My mum injured my son

[KevinTheBird]

NC’d as this is outing.

My dm is a lovely woman 99% of the time - generous, funny, kind and just a great mum. But she has an incredible temper - growing up we were always walking on eggshells as anything seemed to set her off. She was never massively physically abusive, the odd push or slap, it was mostly saying absolutely horrendous things or leaving us behind and pretending to go home. She once left my brother and I at a station for an hour and was then furious when she came back as a policeman was trying to calm us down. Afterwards she would point blank deny these things had happened.

It probably only happened 1-2 times a year but it certainly made for a weird atmosphere growing up. My mum and dad divorced 15 years ago and since then there has been no hint of this behaviour whatsoever. I now have dc, we live in the same town as my dm and are bubbled with her.

I’ve never left my dc alone with my dm properly- always been in the same house/ place although not directly supervising as her temper has always been at the back of my mind.

Today we were at her house. I was feeling unwell so she said for me to have a nap and she’d look after dc. I did this then 20 minutes later woke up to the sound of dc2 screaming. I ran downstairs, saw my DM’s face and a smashed picture and immediately got dc in car and took them home without saying anything to my dm.

Dc1 said Dc2 had thrown a cushion which had knocked a photo off the wall and smashed and my dm had told him he was a fucking idiot. I asked dc2 if he was ok, he nodded but was obviously shocked which I wasn’t surprised about as he’d never seen my dm like that before.

It was only when I got him out of the car that I realised he was holding his hand tightly and covered in blood. He has about a 2 inch, deep gash across his hand. He said my dm hit him with the smashed frame and it cut him. I’ve patched him up, I don’t think he needs stitches but it’s really nasty.

I messaged dm with a photo saying ‘you cut dc’s hand when you hit him’. She just replied ‘I don’t remember doing that. He shouldn’t have trashed my house’. I was too upset to send anything back but she messaged about an hour later asking if we wanted to go to the park tomorrow.

I’m so sad for my dc, it’s such a nasty cut. I’m so angry with myself for not protecting him when I knew she could do this and I’m so sad that my dm is still doing this all this time later. If she’d apologised, admitted she’d done something wrong, shown some concern for dc I might understand. But she has never apologised for anything and never will.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve been going round there everyday to do schoolwork. It’s not fair and I’m just so bloody angry with her.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if someone has already said this. I would normally report it to the police, but presumably you were breaking rules by seeing her at all? If not and she's in your bubble, then you weren't, but I think it makes any case a bit flimsy (because onus on you to explain why you chose to bubble with her in the first place).

The why make an arse of yourself @hopsalong,they are bubbled together.

Anyway do you really think the police would give a fine to @KevinTheBird because shes in her dms house.Dont be so stupid.

Ok @KevinTheBird what happens the next time she loses her rag and your dc come off worse.
Your one and only job now is to protect your dc. Which is why you need to go to the hospital, get it checked out and tell them the truth as to how it happened.

I would have went straight to the hospital the minute i noticed it.Could be glass stuck in there doing damage.

Is he settled and asleep OP?
Is he still bleeding?

other than small children who were in her care and therefore vulnerable
yep, she only assaults tiny people who are defenseless, and when no one else is looking

DeeCeeCherry
I'm wondering generally if Mumsnet need to add a trigger warning? How is that done?

You report the post and ask for one

Thanks Nanny0gg

Your son will remember what his grandmother did, Kevin. You really must go to A&E with him.

Who knows what your mother may do in the future if she keeps on getting away with things - even if she can't help it. For all you know she may have done other things and you just haven't heard about them. Do you have a dad?

This is not a light weight matter, Kevin.

@FlippinNoah

You need to take your 5 year old son to A&E TONIGHT.

You need to show him that this behaviour is completely and utterly wrong and that you will protect him - and you do that by
a) going to A&E to get the injury seen to b) reporting it to the police AND
c) never seeing her again.

HE needs YOU to protect him. 5 years old and he gets called a 'fucking idiot' and hit with broken glass. It just beggars belief.

And when it comes out (and it will) months down the line, when he tells his friend at school, "Granny called me a bad name and hit me with the glass" and the teacher finds out, it will be referred to the Safeguarding Lead and it will be followed up, possibly by Social Services, what will you say? "Oh we didn't see her for a while but we've been round since and everything's ok now"?

Your son will remember this for the rest of his life, and quite possibly have a scar on his had as a visual reminder if it's not seen to quickly. Please do the right thing and protect him from her. It doesn't matter that it's your mum, blood ties mean nothing in a situation like this.

Oh stop with all the dramatics!!! Stop trying to make the Op feel worse!! The cut isn't bleeding. The Op says it's a clean cut and not deep. Going to minor injuries in the morning sounds like a good plan. Getting a sleeping 5 year old out of bed and taking them to a&e now will just add more stress. Making a big drama out of it all will NOT help the OPs children!

Don't blame yourself. You quite reasonably expected her not to hurt a 5 yo. So sorry this has happened. Have no idea what you do about the long term as I suspect your kids will ask to see her again at some point,and will want to.

Although I can see why some might see it this way toocold54 I personally think you are being too harsh on OP here

Yohoheaveho

I get that it’s harsh. But our job as parents is to protect our children which OP isn’t doing.

If this was OPs boyfriend who had been violent in the past and then did this but the OP wasn’t planning to break up with him then many would agree that the OP is an unfit parent by choosing him over her DCs. Why is it different that it’s her mum?

I would normally report it to the police, but presumably you were breaking rules by seeing her at all? If not and she's in your bubble, then you weren't, but I think it makes any case a bit flimsy (because onus on you to explain why you chose to bubble with her in the first place).

A child getting attacked Vs a parent leaving their child with their mum for 20mins.

They were in a bubble but regardless I don’t think the police would give a shit what Covid rules were broken!

She’s my mother, you say.

That’s a biological role and means nothing if you don’t live up to the role. Your mum was crap. Left you at a railway station! Lost her temper!

Your siblings won’t leave their offspring with her.

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

Your dc is five and was injured in this appalling way, and you are still saying, but she’s my mum! Well here’s news for you OP , you’re the responsible mum in this scenario, it’s as if you can’t see things straight because you’ve rationalised her appalling behaviour for so long.

It’s tough but you need to do right by your children. Your ‘mother’ can sort herself out.

Your rationale for thinking your mother was past this behaviour and it wouldn't affect her grandchildren was understandable.

No it wasn't understandable at all. It's entirely skewed because of the fact OP was abused by her DM.

I hope you're en route to A&E with your child who may not be able to communicate to you if anything is wrong at 5 yo. Just take him in and stop messing around, he's your child not an inconvenience.

You really should take him to a&e tonight in case there are any shards of glass in the cut.

It’s understandable after such a long time you felt it was safe with you upstairs, but you really must cut her off now. It’s horrifically hard, but you cannot let your children get into the same cycle you were in as a child with her and if you have her around at all they will see her actions as acceptable.

It does get easier once you’ve made the initial break.

Getting a sleeping 5 year old out of bed and taking them to a&e now will just add more stress. Making a big drama out of it all will NOT help the OPs children!

Exactly. It's 11:15 PM, FFS. You know what A&Es are like this time of night, surely? With a 5 year old who's been woken up and pulled out of bed? The docs are as likely to be concerned about a parent who'd do that to a child, as they would be about the GM.

(the above was for @FlippinNoah, obv)

@sadpapercourtesan

She has said she will take him in the morning. Stop berating her just because you vampires want your drama fix a bit faster

Yeah gets a bit much with some of these comments!! I just feel sorry for the OP, why make her feel even worse.

If you read the OPs posts a couple of times you will see she is talking like an abused partner "oh he's a good dad really" sort of thing - and where she says she will always be my mother, we sat her down and talked to her etc.

OP if this was your partner rather than your mother you'd be having your arse handed to you on a plate the way you are protecting her.

They tend to be a lot more worried about injuries with a delayed presentation. Especially as delaying it means increased risk of infection, and long term problems.

You delay and don’t take your child to A&E now they’ll want to know why and when you say your mother did it and why there will be a full investigation and she will be barred permanently for having any care of them and any other kids

You are in FOG and it’s time to protect the kids not your mother.

Plus if school get wind they’ll do a safeguarding programme too

Time to go NC and realise you are a mother now and NEED to protect the kids here

@saraclara

Getting a sleeping 5 year old out of bed and taking them to a&e now will just add more stress. Making a big drama out of it all will NOT help the OPs children!

Exactly. It's 11:15 PM, FFS. You know what A&Es are like this time of night, surely? With a 5 year old who's been woken up and pulled out of bed? The docs are as likely to be concerned about a parent who'd do that to a child, as they would be about the GM.

Bollocks would any doctor make a comparison between a parent who decided a cut needed treatment now and a violent attacker

Not bothering to seek medical treatment for an injured child who may have shards of glass in their hand is far more likely to get a negative comparison. Especially as a 2 inch long, deep gash, is a significant injury on the size of a 5yo.

This is the first thread I have really hoped is not true as it's actually so horrific. Poor, poor boy. No one would EVER be near my child again if they done this and I'd seriously consider calling the police.

@KevinTheBird hand wounds can be really serious despite not looking it.

Honestly, and I know this is harsh, but if you deny your son medical care tonight then you're at absolute worst abusing him and at best neglecting him.

I had a cut on my hand when I was little from falling over onto a smashed bottle and my pinkie finger is still a mess today.

Seriously, get him some medical attention and never see your mother again, don't let your son grow up thinking you cared more about his abuser than him.

@KevinTheBird

I don’t think she’s ever physically hurt someone other than me and siblings and now obviously ds. Most of her rages resulted in her smashing stuff, storming out and telling us she hated us rather than hitting. I know she did something at her old job at least once as she got a disciplinary for it. Of course she insisted this happened because her boss hates her rather than anything she did.

I won’t be letting dc see her again, certainly not at any point I can imagine at the moment. I explained to both of them earlier that gma had been very bad and that we won’t be seeing her for a while.

I’m pretty sure the cut is clean - it’s not bleeding and he could move his hand well earlier. As I said previously I will take him to minor injuries tomorrow to have it checked over and I’ll tell them how it happened.

I know I fucked up, I’m not going to pretend I didn’t. But I genuinely did not think she would ever do anything like this.

OP I’m really sorry this has happened to your son first and foremost and to you. Your first line is telling - she never physically hurt anyone except you and siblings. So that’s multiple people she has hurt in the past. Your ability to appraise risk is skewed by your childhood experiences. Counselling for yourself would be useful in helping you make sense of it. Trauma bonds in particular.

A and E in the middle of a global pandemic for a cut hand? Lol.

But I get that pp want to underline the seriousness if your DMs actions.
She’s gaslighting you to think this is ok. It isn’t. She needs anger management work and it’s not your job to ensure she gets it but all you can do is ensure the saf tot of your DC... do she won’t see them again until she’s under control.

I think OP will have made a final decision now whether to take him tonight or tomorrow. Whilst I personally agree tonight would be better, let's not put her off taking him entirely by scaring her about repercussions she may face when I'm sure we can all agree he needs medical attention at the very least to just check it over, and getting that at some point is more important than not at all.

@lyralalala the OP has rolled back from the 2" deep gash thing now. Seems there was a bit of understandable hyperbole going on when she first posted in shock.

She's confident that his hand is clean and normally mobile. The emotional damage done by waking him up and taking him to A&E for a non-complex injury really isn't justified. he's been through enough today, for a five year old.