Teacher grab

[hibijibi15]

Hello, just wondering, does anyone know whether a primary school teacher is allowed to grab a child to stop him from running if he won't listen?

So has there been prior involvement from social services?
You say she interfered but by the sounds of it she had a short discussion with your child's teacher about how lovely they are? Is there something else you were annoyed about them discussing?

hibijibi: he has issues with his emotions because he screamed at her when she did this (don't touch me)
......
I hope you don't mind me going back to the beginning of the thread and finding this.

I wouldn't call it having issues with his emotions, it strikes me as quite normal for a child to squeal if they are grabbed. Don't all parents nowadays teach their children that nobody is allowed to touch them? However in this instance the teacher wasn't doing anything wrong or inappropriate, she just wanted to stop him running off and maybe leading a charge :-).

Your children sound normal to me. They are still very young and will learn to stick within the rules.

Don't worry and take care of yourself.

Glasscase you keep telling me things I say are unture or impossible. They are improbable yes, which is exactly what makes the situation hard for me to understand. She shouldn't be discussing my kids with anyone whatever it is to say, which is also what you said, then told me I am angry about it.

Social servies - who mentioned social services sorry run that by me again.

I wouldn't call it problems with his emotions either so I don't understand why the teacher said that, exactly you got me thanks x

There is nothing odd or sad in the OP asking for second or third opinions: many, many parents of children with SN have been through the experience of having to ask for repeated investigations before diagnosis.

However, thinking through this thread again, I am more and more wondering if this isn't more likely to be children acting out because of the stresses of the past, their mother's illness etc. It is common for children to get unsettled even by positive changes in their lives (my dd got very difficult when her little brother was born) and here there's some major stuff going on.

OP, what I would do here is try to work with the school. A parenting course would probably be brilliant if you can find one, but in the meantime I would speak to the school, explain that you are worried and ask if you can work with a joint strategy on this. Try not to get too judgmental about individual not-very-serious lapses on their part unless you equally want them to be judging you for everything you don't get perfectly right. The more you can work together the better it will be for your boys.

Also try to be wary of the temptation of displaced anger. I know this one, my eldest had some very difficult health issues and I've found it so easy to get bogged down with thinking about something somebody did wrong (she was misdiagnosed) or something unkind somebody said (long list here) or even something unkind they may be thinking. The problem is, all that energy is energy you are not spending on dealing with the actual problem, not spending on making things better. Energy is finite: use it well.

At the end of the day, those people who did or said something unhelpful will be gone out of your lives but the work you've put in helping your boys to adjust and acquite life skills will still be there and you will all benefit from it.

And all best wishes: you have all come through so much!

No glasscase I am angry about lots of things my friend has done to interfere such as even once organising a birthday picnic for my partner without even consulting me, when we had already arranged a meal out, just as an example. Making the whole family catch a stomach bug whilst I was having chemo, coming to the house when I've insisted I needed to rest (after my op). Interfering. She is known for it. Why social services? Are YOU ok in yourself? I don't think you'll manage to fit me in your case scenario.

Well, no. As a child, my needs wouldn't include an absent violent alcoholic father and a mother with a potentially recurring life shortening/deadly disease so there is that.

This is why I asked of social services have been involved.

In just about every post you have awritting you say you are confused and don't understand. What don't you understand?

This is going to sound harsh but if the way you have been writing on here is the way you related to your children in real life it's not surprising they don't listen to you. Every post you write is conflicting with the last. Anytime someone picks up on something you have said you change it.

I have been useless at explaining myself. But here goes in a nutshell.
I am not angry with the school. I posted on here to ask whether something was acceptable. They tell me my boys are fine and that my parenting skills are very good, so I am confused why the teacher would need to grab him and say he has emotional issues because of that one occasion.
Does anyone understand how it appears contradictory?
Last year, newly single and still tired from the chemo I had to take them every day into the crowded corridor, I had TWO of them whos shoes I had to take off and put indoor shoes on within ten minutes, with one bench which was always taken, one child who would run outside if I took my eyes off him, the other would just be totally distracted by the other children and couldn't do his shoes himself, people in the way, all over the place, it was as clear as day that I was struggling, and the teacher would just chat away with the same mother every single morning, about photo frames, shoes, random chatty stuff, whereas the slightest gesture of help or support for me would have gone a really long way. This is just to explain how it was last year. She is great in many ways but not impartial.

Another thing was she never let me know how things were going, never gave me any news, whereas she would with other mums. One approached me one morning in the corridor and said 'so then, it appears your son and my son (they are the biggest) have been protecting the small children from the bullies'. I was so happy to hear this and at the same time, during the most difficult year yet encountered for me ,at the time it would have been lovely to have got a bit of news like that from time to time in passing, but all her time was for other people.

I feel I have misrepresented myself. I am not stomping around waging war with everyone, I am always pleasant with people, am nice as pie with all the teachers but just confused as to why this particular teacher seemed to be avoiding giving me any news.

This morning I had a chat with the headmistress to see if she could suggest any ways of improving my parenting skills, and she said they were more than fine and that the boys have no problem and they are excelling in school. So I said maybe I just need to learn to get them to listen to me and she said perhaps. Apparently at school, theres no major issue about them not listening.

But three weeks ago the headmistress said there was a prob with my 6 year old because he knocked over a little girl and didn't even notice (he's very considerate usually) but now she says he seems a lot less distracted than 2 weeks ago. So it is hard to fathom whether it's ok at school or not. It's not really just me being a loose cannon, inconsistent, making things up etc as some seem to have read. Complicated isn't it. And that's just a part of it all!
Thanks cory and Liz and lots of other people for your sympathetic words.
I do have an appointment in a couple of weeks, for me, I'll see if they have any suggestions to help me to communicate with my boys. I will try and find time to read the book which was suggested although haven't had time to read a book in four years since my second pregnancy.

There is nothing odd or sad in the OP asking for second or third opinions

Sure, but she’s on her fourth possibly fifth opinions and they have all said the same thing. There is nothing wrong with the kids.

They tell me my boys are fine and that my parenting skills are very good, so I am confused why the teacher would need to grab him and say he has emotional issues because of that one occasion.

Because she obviously couldn't get him to stop. Him usually being well behaved doesn't mean she can ignore this situation. Emotional issues? I think that's the first time you have mentioned that.

Last year, newly single and still tired from the chemo I had to take them every day into the crowded corridor, I had TWO of them whos shoes I had to take off and put indoor shoes on within ten minutes, with one bench which was always taken, one child who would run outside if I took my eyes off him, the other would just be totally distracted by the other children and couldn't do his shoes himself, people in the way, all over the place, it was as clear as day that I was struggling, and the teacher would just chat away with the same mother every single morning, about photo frames, shoes, random chatty stuff, whereas the slightest gesture of help or support for me would have gone a really long way. This is just to explain how it was last year. She is great in many ways but not impartial.

Sorry but it's not the teachers job to put your children's shoes on. You could have asked for help if you really felt like you weren't coping.

Another thing was she never let me know how things were going, never gave me any news, whereas she would with other mums. One approached me one morning in the corridor and said 'so then, it appears your son and my son (they are the biggest) have been protecting the small children from the bullies'. I was so happy to hear this and at the same time, during the most difficult year yet encountered for me ,at the time it would have been lovely to have got a bit of news like that from time to time in passing, but all her time was for other people.

Perhaps the other parents were instigating conversation with the teacher and asking her how their children were getting on. I just can't see why that would upset or anger you. It's not an issue at all. It seems she has given you updates about other things when it's necessary.

So it is hard to fathom whether it's ok at school or not. It's not really just me being a loose cannon, inconsistent, making things up etc as some seem to have read. Complicated isn't it. And that's just a part of it all!

It's not that complicated though. You are making mountains out of molehills. If the teachers say your children's behaviour is fine, then it's fine. They are just letting you know the odd time when your children are a bit distracted or acting up. That's not a big deal, it's what they do. They can't pull you aside to let you know every good and bad detail at the end of every day. They will let you know the important things, or the things they feel you may want to have a chat with them about at home.

@hibijibi15

I have been useless at explaining myself. But here goes in a nutshell. I am not angry with the school. I posted on here to ask whether something was acceptable. They tell me my boys are fine and that my parenting skills are very good, so I am confused why the teacher would need to grab him and say he has emotional issues because of that one occasion. Does anyone understand how it appears contradictory? Last year, newly single and still tired from the chemo I had to take them every day into the crowded corridor, I had TWO of them whos shoes I had to take off and put indoor shoes on within ten minutes, with one bench which was always taken, one child who would run outside if I took my eyes off him, the other would just be totally distracted by the other children and couldn't do his shoes himself, people in the way, all over the place, it was as clear as day that I was struggling, and the teacher would just chat away with the same mother every single morning, about photo frames, shoes, random chatty stuff, whereas the slightest gesture of help or support for me would have gone a really long way. This is just to explain how it was last year. She is great in many ways but not impartial. Another thing was she never let me know how things were going, never gave me any news, whereas she would with other mums. One approached me one morning in the corridor and said 'so then, it appears your son and my son (they are the biggest) have been protecting the small children from the bullies'. I was so happy to hear this and at the same time, during the most difficult year yet encountered for me ,at the time it would have been lovely to have got a bit of news like that from time to time in passing, but all her time was for other people.

I feel I have misrepresented myself. I am not stomping around waging war with everyone, I am always pleasant with people, am nice as pie with all the teachers but just confused as to why this particular teacher seemed to be avoiding giving me any news.

This morning I had a chat with the headmistress to see if she could suggest any ways of improving my parenting skills, and she said they were more than fine and that the boys have no problem and they are excelling in school. So I said maybe I just need to learn to get them to listen to me and she said perhaps. Apparently at school, theres no major issue about them not listening.

But three weeks ago the headmistress said there was a prob with my 6 year old because he knocked over a little girl and didn't even notice (he's very considerate usually) but now she says he seems a lot less distracted than 2 weeks ago. So it is hard to fathom whether it's ok at school or not. It's not really just me being a loose cannon, inconsistent, making things up etc as some seem to have read. Complicated isn't it. And that's just a part of it all!
Thanks cory and Liz and lots of other people for your sympathetic words.
I do have an appointment in a couple of weeks, for me, I'll see if they have any suggestions to help me to communicate with my boys. I will try and find time to read the book which was suggested although haven't had time to read a book in four years since my second pregnancy.

Hi, I would start writing a diary. Have a look at descriptors related to pda, asd, adhd etc. Eg www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-test-children/?src=embed_link www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/information-on-the-eda-q/ Record examples. Look at questionnaires on development such as asq 48 months questionnaire.

Try to actually have info that is in black and white including these examples from school.

Can I ask what country youre in?

@MotherExtraordinaire have you read all the OPs posts? She has been to a few different specialists, doctors, spoke with teachers. All those professionals agree that her children don't have SN.

If my son wasn't listening then I'd be more than happy for the teacher to grab him 🤷‍♀️
Maybe it's your son you need to have a chat with about behaviour and not the teacher!

Well, I didn't really intend to say that I was unhappy about her grabbing him, I was more trying to gauge the situation. To know whether it's usual in the classroom, or whether my son was being really unruly, and also trying to gauge why he got so upset about it whereas he's usually really happy. She said there are about five really active kids in the class, not just him.

No one here knows if it was your child being really unruly, or whether the teacher was out of order. Like you, we weren't there.
Of course your son isn't going to be happy about getting into trouble.

Really sorry you're struggling OP & think it's great that you're talking to someone & trying to find some support for yourself.

I'm sure your dc are lovely & kind & also a handful & act up sometimes too. I think it's a bit of a leap for the teacher to say 'ds can write well etc, you're doing a good job' to you interpreting that as the teacher said my parenting was great. We've all got areas we struggle with & discipline is hard for most parents.

When you say e.g. no point even trying time out, is it because it's too much to follow the consequences through? Most discipline techniques are hard work but worth it if your dc responds to something & you see an improvement in behaviours. My dc know to listen & at that age, it's even more important when they aren't really aware of potential dangers.

I hope things get easier for you. Go easy on yourself

Thanks for your kind words.
I must be coming across as crazy.
The class teacher said exactly what I said, to me last week.
This morning, the headmistress, who is also my other boys class teacher DID say exactly what I wrote, this very morning, when I asked her if she had any suggestions where I could look for help woth parenting techniques. She said there is no problem with your parenting techniques, quite the opposite in fact, and then said, there is no problem with the boys in school, quite the opposite, they are even TOO clever.
I know you are trying to help me but so many people assuming I am making things up is making me feel really odd indeed.
You're right, the danger issue is what really worries me. I am on my way to finding help.

Thanks again for your encouragement x

Time out etc they just won't stay there. It is hard to enforce of course when you are all alone. One parent, one child would of course be easier. Two parents with two children would of course be more manageable (depending, granted) and I don't have spare hours to wait, I never stop moving all day everyday. (Apart from this thread which I keep sitting down in front of in between tasks)

But I will try to work on it. Please don't asassinate me for this folks it's not helping

She said there is no problem with your parenting techniques, quite the opposite in fact, and then said, there is no problem with the boys in school, quite the opposite, they are even TOO clever.
I know you are trying to help me but so many people assuming I am making things up is making me feel really odd indeed.

Is it really difficult to see why people might think you are making things up when you claim the teacher has told you your children are too clever? Maybe there is a bit of a language barrier here? teachers don't go around telling people that their children are just too clever.

Your son can be the happiest child alive and still have an outburst and behave badly. Yes she needed to grab him, he didn't listen and could hurt another child or himself. The way he screamed may have given her reason to worry that something was happening at home, given the severe reaction. They are doing their bit to safeguard your child.

Glass case once again!! Are you a troll?
Three times you have said 'teachers don't do/this never happens/this wouldn't happen' .... when they have. It's not possible to have lung cancer at 42 but I did, the doctor dismissed me twice. It's not possible to have precipitous labours but I did. I could continue but no need I suppose.
You are addressing me like an idiot! Why are you dismissing so much of what I say?
No language barrier thanks all the same. What on earth! Do you not think that would have occured to me!?

Glasscase Two things you think I'm making up are things which according to you 'teachers wouldn't just do' ON a post where I am questioning teachers consistency and you have just decided I'm crazy or an idiot.

Have you ever been accused of driving people round the bend?

You said 'they wouldn't be discussing my children because teachers don't do that' but then said ok maybe it's possible, maybe they do then if it's nice things. I don't care if it's nice talk or not, it's not their place to discuss my kids between them, but it DID happen

Glasscase did you look back over the posts after you said that I hadn't mentioned the teacher mentioning 'emotional issue' 'Emotional issues?
I think that's the first time you have mentioned that.'
It wasn't the first time I mentioned it.

But you would prefer to consistently doubt my words. It's maddening.

I'm trying to understand why your posts are so inconsistent and a lot of it doesn't make sense. You said you weren't in the UK so that's why I asked if there me be a language barrier. I didn't mean language barrier between you and the teacher.
I do not for one minute believe the teacher said most of this

She said there is no problem with your parenting techniques, quite the opposite in fact, and then said, there is no problem with the boys in school, quite the opposite, they are even TOO clever.

Also, your friend asking a teacher how the children are doing and the teacher saying, fine they are lovely boys, is really nothing to get annoyed about. If that was the extent of the conversation then its fine.
I did not once call you crazy or and idiot.

It's not possible to have lung cancer at 42 but I did, the doctor dismissed me twice. It's not possible to have precipitous labours but I did. I could continue but no need I suppose.

Both of those things are absolutely possible. You are not the only person to have experienced either of them.

I didn't say it was impossible for teachers not to say those things, what I said was I don't believe they did.

You also made it sound as though the teacher had been discussing personal information about your children with your friend, when that wasn't the case at all. So you made it sound a lot worse than it was.