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DP is not interested in our new baby (long!)

178 replies

claraenglish · 29/10/2007 20:44

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
NAB3 · 29/10/2007 20:46

Give him a break! He hsqa just seen his child born at the same time clearly worrying he was going to lose his partner.

He is in shock and probably doesn't know how to handle the baby.

Talk to him, not us.

WanderingGraveyards · 29/10/2007 20:53

I think he's in shock - many men don't realise that a pregnancy - even the planned ones - are going to end with a baby. And suddenly he's gone from having you to himself to sharing you with this new, noisy-sucking interloper and he may well be questioning how the Hell he's meant to be the man and provide for you all etc. In other words, he's panicking.

He is being a bit of an arse, though.

NAB3's being a bit harsh imo, but she's right about talking to him, once you've worked out exactly what you want to say. That bit you might want to work out here

sophierosie · 29/10/2007 20:54

Sorry to hear this I think for some men it can be a bit of a shock becoming a parent and experiencing someone they love going through childbirth.

I've read about men becoming jealous too of the newborn and it does sound as if this is what is happening to him. Has he been jealous of you before?

Try not to think about your relationship at the moment - you have enough to think about for now - you and your baby - sounds like the softly softly approach may work with your DP.

How old is your DS?

Interested in this thread?

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colditz · 29/10/2007 20:56

have him read this.

Many women feel the way he feels after having a baby. It's a big shock.

Have him read this then insist you want to talk about it because you are upset.

claraenglish · 29/10/2007 20:57

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WeeWitchyWilkie · 29/10/2007 20:57

NAB - sorry but that was a really bitchy reply to someone who is a) new to MN and b) obviously in need of some support

Sorry Clara but some people...

Glad you have found MN. I don't know what to advise other than I think you ned to talk to him again. It is very early days and although I would feel exactly the same in your position the relationship must be worth the effort as you have had a beautiful child together. DOn't give up on him just yet.

Are you close with his mum? Could she speak with him?

colditz · 29/10/2007 20:57

As for leaving the room to breastfeed STOP IT THIS MINUTE.Don't for one second let him think you will ever discomfort yourself or your baby to accomodate his immaturity.

NAB3 · 29/10/2007 20:58

I wasn't meaning to be harsh.

He has to say what the problem is otherwise nothing will change.

colditz · 29/10/2007 20:59

Is this a complete shock to you, clara, that he could ever react in this way to something he doesn't accept well? Or has he shown signs of this before?

claraenglish · 29/10/2007 21:00

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NAB3 · 29/10/2007 21:00

bitchy?

colditz · 29/10/2007 21:01

Although this may not help you in your situation, exp wailed at me a few days after ds1 was born that "it feels like you love him more than me!"

To which I relplied "I do love him more than you! Get used to it, you are never going to be my number one priority again, so lump it or leave!"

and he looks back on it now, and admits he was a selfish cock.

WeeWitchyWilkie · 29/10/2007 21:01

I was going to put 'What a bitch' but thought better of it so decided on bitchy. It was harsh and totally unsupportive. Suggest think before you post.

NAB3 · 29/10/2007 21:02

Because I said talk to him, not us?

I meant if she doesn't talk to him and find out what the problem is she isn't going to be able to help.

We don't know what his problem is.

colditz · 29/10/2007 21:02

he is actually reacting like an older sibling to the baby might be expected to - ie, childishly.

seriously let him read this thread, and see for himself what his behavior is doing to you.

NAB3 · 29/10/2007 21:02

Please do explain yourself.

I certainly wasn't meaning to be bitchy. ???

NAB3 · 29/10/2007 21:03

You have completely misunderstood me.

claraenglish · 29/10/2007 21:15

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colditz · 29/10/2007 21:25

It is easy to misunderstand tone on a forum, no worries, I get what you mean - but remember she is only 5 days postnatal with her pfb!

WeeWitchyWilkie · 29/10/2007 21:33

I;m not gonna hijack this thread arguing the toss with you. Re-read your first post as an outsider. It was blunt, abrupt and sounded as though she shouldn't be posting on here - that she should be talking to him. She was asking for advice on what to do from a group of mums - surely that is the ethos of MN otherwise everything I posted could be referred back to 'Talk to X about it'

Sobernow · 29/10/2007 21:44

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rookiemum · 29/10/2007 21:44

Clara, give both of yourselves some time.

I came home from the hospital crying and spent most of the next few weeks that way, partly because I was desperately tired, and partly because I felt I had destroyed our perfect relationship and DH didn't seem that bothered about DS.

Before DS was born DH's sister said something which I thought was strange at the time, she said that she wished men could get their two weeks paternity when the children were older as hers wasn't any good with babies.

Now I understand, DH was the same. Most men are fixers they like practical problems you can solve e.g. baby keeping you awake then move it to another room, finding bf difficult then swap to a bottle. They don't quite get the concept that you need to put a lot in and then you get your reward much much later when they start to smile and gaze adoringly at you.

At the minute you're knackered, you are hormonal, both your lives have been turned over, it will get better, promise.

MingMingtheWonderPet · 29/10/2007 21:46

In some respects I sypathise wtith your DP. When I came home with DS, quite frankly I couldn't really stand the sight of him. I genuinly wondered what I had done, and regretted falling pregnant in the first place. I missed my 'old life'. DH was pretty supportive, and so was my mum and gradually I came to love my new DS and our new life.
However, it did not come without some work. And this is the tough bit. IME, I would not have bonded with DS if I had not forced myself to sepnd time with him. I guess this is where it is a bit more difficult for your DP cos he has to go back to work soon and could easily not spend too much time with your DS. I was forced to spend time with DS cos once DH went back to work, we were on our own!
I guess what I am saying is, cut him a bit of slack, but also remember that he does have to spend some time with DS. It will come, lots of men don't like the baby stage, and once DS is crawling around and later kicking a football around I am sure your DP will be right there.
Good luck, those first few weeks with aa newborn can be difficult for everyone.

yomellamoHelly · 29/10/2007 21:51

How sad. Maybe your dp is just feeling overwhelmed. Let's face it having a baby is a BIG change - for men too. I too found it hurtful that I had to keep such a distance with my dss (have 2) in the middle of the night, but have long since accepted that just is the case of how it is (not how I envisaged it originally). Personally I'd give your dp some space from ds whilst still engineering 5 minutes here and there when you think he's in the right state of mind for him to do something with your ds. I don't feel I bonded with ds1 for about 9 months and I know of other mums who took ages too. I've no doubt it's the same for the dads too. Our dc all got their hooks in eventually though and yours will too.

cadelaide · 29/10/2007 21:58

Sobernow's post is interesting I think, he may be putting up all sort of defences without even knowing he's doing it.
As yomell says though, babies are highly skilled at breaking down defences!

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