DP is not interested in our new baby (long!)

[claraenglish]

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claraenglish, I just read your last sentence, is your dh resentful of the baby that has come between you and the closeness you had?

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This may be way off the point but your DP is probably struggling with the fact that when he comes home from work his day isn't finished.

I remember throwing a complete tantrum when dd1 was a few months old about never getting a holiday(rather stronger language was used I must admit).

I don't think anything can prepare you for being a parent really you just don't understand it.

Babies and what they need change so fast for the first year I really wouldn't rush into making any descisions.

Do you have any groups to attend? Mum and babies, bf support groups anything that you have to get out the house for? Most mums love a cuddle at a new baby and it would let you drink a hot drink and chat to other adults.

The other point is he is used to being a priority in your life and he has been usurped. Ridiculous yep, childish you betcha but a possiblility.

It is so easy to love your baby and it can be very hard to have any thing left over for husbands and partners.

Is he having some kind of breast envy? Your breasts now belong to the baby, they are no longer sexual and for him, but fulfill nutritional needs in your baby? Every time you feed the baby he is reminded of "what he has lost"? Everytime you feed the baby you are rubbing it in his face? Your breasts are not sexual now. Would he want you to stop breastfeeding and do bottle feeding instead to regain his territory? Can you gently remind him that this is the original purpose of breasts, this is what nature intended, and it is only a short period of time while the baby is little that he relies on your breasts for nourishment.

Clara, I actually stayed long enough to have another child. A child that he didn't want.. (yet cajoled me into having unproteted sex and then was amazed I fell pregnant).

I left him when my first dd was 11 months old but went back partly through fear of being alone and partly through pride (didn't want people to think I was a mug - haha ). I eventually split from him when the girls were 2yrs and 4 yrs...we had become more like lodgers than partners. He also worked shifts which meant he had little time to spend with us and often chose not too. I didn't love him.

My story is a little different from yours though because if I hadn't fallen pregnant in the first place we would probably have been a sort fling and then split anyway...he got bonus time because I was desperate to make it work...

I have now been with my 'new' partner for 10 years and we also have had a daughter together...words fail me to describe the difference in experience of being a 'lone' mum with a partner who didn't have any involvement with the girls, to someone who sits back and enjoys watching her toddler and her daddy together often fighting for a look-in!!!!!!!!!. She is his world....

Clara, I'm sorry things aren't as nice as they were at the weekend, but I think going to your Mum's would scare you more than him. I feel like going to my Mum's quite a lot at the mo but keep trying to arrange activities for DS so that I can't go home (back to mum's) tonight as he has X tomorrow. And even if you're not sure about your future as a couple, DON'T DECIDE NOW. Remember a few weeks ago you wanted to marry him? Give him at least the weekends to get to know his son, and in between don't feel guilty about breastfeeding, co-sleeping or generally being a mum. Good luck

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Thanks Clara - I'm getting married next year too!!

CE, it really is he who has the problem, notyou, but you're suffering his problem. Yes, your breasts are lent to the baby right now, but he will regain access to them eventually. I think most dads go through this 'breast-jealousy', but yoour dp seems to be struggling more than most to cope with it.

He really does seem to be traumatised by the whole affair, and is acting in a childish and excessively testosterone-driven way by not addressing his problems. Such a shame that you have to cope withh the results.

It's very difficult not to see every positive thing he does as "Hooray - we've finally turned the corner! He'll be alright now.", but it isn't that way. You can't expect all this to be over so easily. It's a dance - 2 steps forward, 1 to the side and 1 back. Gradually - we hope! - things will improve.

As for th HV, she should be able to get in touch with your local HV and help start setting up a support network for you. I moved house when I was pg with ds2, and my HV contacted my new HV-to-be in order to get things started. We were concerned about the PND (I hadn't had it with no2, but now I was moving away from family and friends, to a completely strange area, I didn't want to fall off the radar IYSWIM)

I have had a read of your posts Clare and can really feel for you. It sounds like your DP is just really immature and has no reference points to help him know how to be a father and a good partner to you. My DP struggled to bond with DS1 in the beginning, by the time we got to DS2 and now DC3 WIP we are joking that until the baby says Papa or can kick a ball there is not a lot of interest though he is helpful and know the 'right' thing to say and do. DH read a book called something like "So your wifes had a baby and you're having a breakdown" - written by a bloke in a very blokely way - it was the only pregnancy/baby related thing that my DH has ever read and he said it helped. Till he sorts himself out I would focus on yourself and your baby and leave him to it and try to let the things that are annoying you about him at the moment just slide off you. Easier said than done I know. I am sure he will look back and feel like a real a$$hole for the way he has behaved. All the best.

Isn't it frustrating when you're trying to get out of the house and it just doesn't work! They need feeding or changing or winding or they're sick so one or both of you needs a new top....!
Try your local library and/or leisure centre for adverts from local tots groups, or search NCT bumps and babies groups on the web, walk past church halls and see if they have posters about baby groups.
Failing that do you have shops you can walk to, rather than a big supermarket? Its a great way to work off some baby weight and it kills more time too! I find my ego always feels better after an eco friendly walk to the shops, when several people have said what a lovely baby!

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I wonder whether it would be worth starting a thread on this in The Men's Room topic? Perhaps get a more exclusively male perspective on the situation. Men are notoriously bad at accepting 'self-improvement' if it's thrust in front of them - just think how differently men and women would react to the gift of a self-improvement book.

My dh picked out this book for himself when I was pg with ds1. I've also heard that several ofthese go down well with men. But, under the circumstances, I doubt you presenting your dh with either of them would be effective. That's why I think maybe other men would be better able to advise you on how to get through to your lummox man. ( no offence?)

Hi Clara. I've been following your thread and thought I'd throw in my 2p!

I think you should stop trying to convince your dh of the benefits of bf, he clearly doesn't want to hear and I think you're really suffering with each knock back. Protect yourself: your ds is your first priority here (Congratulations btw!). You want to bf and it is best for your baby. End of.

Don't keep trying to make your dp interact with ds. I really don't think you can force this, and may just add to the resentment. Let him take the initiative. I think your dp's bond with your ds has to come from him, naturally. Also, if you back off, you can absorb yourself in your lovely baby and take some pressure of yourself. Does that make sense? I mean, you might feel better if you're not stressing to try and create something between two other people.

I also think that you should go to your Mum's house next week (am I right that she's still away then?). It will give you a break. and I assume it's not so far away that dp couldn't visit if he'd like to. I think you all need the space. Don't make it open-ended though: I would say, 'I'm going to Mum's on Monday and I will be back on Friday.'

And finally (honest!) by my calculations your baby is just over 3 weeks old: that really is still incredibly early days in this whole process. Please don't make any big decisions. I'm so sorry you're having such a crap time when it should be so lovely.

I've just flicked through this thread so apologies if I'm repearing anything or it's useless.

From as soon as I started to 'show', DH went weird. I think he doesn't like vulnerablilty. He just shut down. It was awful. All my dreams of a 'family' etc. and I had this moody uncommunicative lump.

However,(and this is the good news), DH is now so much in love with DS (now 14mths) and has been for about 5 months. It doesn't excuse his behaviour but we are now all so close again. I though that I would be separated by now but I was wrong.

It took time, a lot longer it felt than other dads, but he got there and I'm so glad I didn't do anything rash.

HTH

Hi...Just read the first page of this thread, and then the last two. Wish I had time to read them all!
Im sure I havent got any different advice than what has already been offered...but I just wondered how things were progressing as it has a few days since the last post. I also wanted to say that I think you are a remarkably understanding woman and your dp is very lucky to have you! After I read your first post I thought that if my dp had reacted like that to the birth of our children I would have walked out! But I am also sleep deprived with a newborn...and it makes us do and think silly things! I just cant believe that he cant bear the noise of the baby, especially when you breast feed him...to expect you to leave the room is just shocking. I think that I would have asked him to leave the room if he was the one with the issue with it. Also...you mentioned that he said to you that he doesn't love you as much as before...I nearly spat out my brew!!! I know our feelings towards our partners change after having a baby, especially the feelings of women towards our partners, as after all we have been through childbirth and all its ordeals, and somehow it seems the men have it easy(er!), and our love for these tiny creatures that we grew inside us overtakes how we felt for our partners. But even then I doubt we would tell our men thats how we felt...I know I didnt as I wouldnt want him to feel jealous. Your dp is remarkably honest with you, and I wonder whether it is to punish you...does that make sense? maybe to punish you because he thinks you love his son more than him, or because his son takes up so much more time? Its like the Oedipus complex in reverse! The rational side of me however does realise that so much focus is on womens postnatal depression and their bonding experiences that men get forgotten. I cant imagine what it must be like for a man to see his partner get bigger and bigger as his baby grows inside her, and then the pain of child birth cant be very nice to witness. Maybe some fathers dont realise that babies dont really do anything...not for about 9 months anyway! But I cant help think that he is being so selfish...if he loves you at all he should but these negative feelings aside. But then again if it were a mother with these feelings I wouldnt be saying that...its so tricky isnt it?! I think that forcing any bonding is definitely not the way to go. I would give him responsibilities, as im sure you are doing...like bathing, or getting the baby ready for bed. Maybe get him to give him a bottle of expressed milk...although I know finding time to express can be difficult in the early weeks! Its hard enough finding time to go to loo let along get the breast pump out!! But I wouldnt mention any bonding type conversations for now. Just get him to do certain jobs, like someone else mentioned men like to 'fix' so having 'jobs' could work. And then I would get yourself out there and do some stuff with your son, hopefully your dp will see how happy and great your life is with your ds he'll want to know what hes missing out on! I took my first child to everything I could get my hands on!!! It helped me stay sane, I met so many other new mums that I still keep in touch with 3 years on! I took him to Baby massage, baby yoga, baby swimming and Rhythm Time (a music group) to name just a few! I dont know how mumsnet are with mentioning this sort of thing as Im new to the forum, but I would search the net for Rhythm Time...the website should tell you were your local group is. I would highly recommend it! I would also contact your leisure centre for details of baby swimming groups...and definitely ask your health visitor or check your library for baby and toddler groups. It will help you feel more integrated...the last thing you need is to feel depressed.
Its not your fault your dp has reacted this way. Imp he is being childish...Im not sure what he thinks he is gaining by behaving like this...but I also think that now is not the time to be making major life decisions. Go out and have some fun with ds, and once youve all had some sleep then its time think...but that could be a few months off! I really hope things are going well for you..I'll be thinking of you! Please post and let us all know how things are!

Clara - any news?
Hope things are getting better

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Clara, that sounds so much better, yes its small things but they all add up. Well done him for recognising that working at your new relationships as parents not just partners needs time, and taking the time off work to do it. And good luck you with forgiving him for his really hurtful attitude in the beginning, he is trying to be better and if you hold a grudge it will hurt all of you. I really hope things continue to improve for you all. Your last sentence sounds really pessimistic, I know you're protecting yourself but you have to trust him a little bit. Keep smiling anyway

It's so nice to hear that things are getting better. I do think no matter how much people warn you no one ever realises just what a shock to everything a new baby is. People react in all sorts of different ways.

It's great you are making time to spend together - I think it is really easy for men to feel left out of the love fest between a new baby and its mother. have you read 'how to babyproof your marriage'? I'm not a great self help fan and I found some of it deeply annoying but it did give me some things to think about.

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Good news Clare! Having a baby is a real shocker for the whole family and sometimes takes a while for everyone to adjust. Sounds like you have all got there