DP is not interested in our new baby (long!)

[claraenglish]

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Hi, I know you have got particular difficulties but I think everyone with a new baby at some point feels like they have fallen out of love with their partner (at best) or that they are seconds away from taking a carving knife to them (at worst). It is really normal.

Shock of new roles and adjustment (or failure to adjust), hormones, suddenly realising that you can't just walk away, lack of sleep, sheer bloody terror... and suddenly you are looking at the man you knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with thinking 'I've made a terrible mistake'. It gets better, honest!

Maybe, just as he resented the baby breastfeeding because the baby as coming between you two, so you are feeling distant from him because baby will always come first for you.
I don't think you are falling out of love with him, I think you are very tired, hormonal, and maybe even a bit relieved that DP is not blanking his son.
You are very right not to trust your stability and decision making sense atm, well done.
It will be exciting when your Mum gets back as she will notice much more how DS has grown and changed, and hopefully she will be able to see an equal change in DP
Keep taking life a day at a time cos tomorrow and the day after you will most likely feel completely different again.
If in doubt smile, it makes them wonder what you're up to!

Agree completely with millie865. This is a completely new time for you both, what you're feeling is completely normal.

Clara, my DP was the one who wanted kids so much, not me. But when our son was born 3.5 months ago he got a huge shock.

The planned section (can you have a calmer delivery?!) was "the most terrifying moment of his life" and if anyone in the room had hurt me he said he "would have killed them all without a thought". Strong emotions voiced by a generally taciturn bloke.

When we got home he did all the right things and we got through each day ok, but my baby turned into a colicky, restless misery most of the time. He has loads of baby experience but not 24 hours a day and not when they're as grouchy as our son! He found it desperately hard. Even now at 15 weeks we still nark at each other frequently, and disagree on how some things should be done. It does feel like the essence of our relationship is still there but very deeply hidden.

I can't think of any other circumstance in which a couple have to endure such a massively lifechanging and sometimes traumatic experience and then have no time to discuss it afterwards! It shakes the foundations so deeply but you just have to be as patient as you can, allow each other space and time, and have faith in yourselves. It will get slowly easier and better, and you will see more of your old selves in one another, but right now there's no time for that because your baby needs you so much.

Incidentally, don't give up with the BF. Although supportive I think my DP secretly felt left out by it ... now he'd freely admit that not having to get up (every 45 minutes the other night ) more than makes up for us not using formula!

Hang on in there, it's a rollercoaster as they say but you will get through this. Until your mum gets back there's always MN, stay with us!

I haven't had time to read all the posts but lots of men (and women too) are really shocked by the birth of their baby however much it was planned and wanted. It often takes men a lot longer to get to know their baby and start to feel and emotional bond, often this doesn't happen until the baby is smiling (6 weeks) babbling (5 months) or even sitting up (about 8 months). He probably feels left out because he's no longer the centre of attention and needs a while to adjust. Also, although you might both have agreed about certain parenting issues before the birth sometimes people feel differently when they have to deal with a real live baby and there's nothing wrong with reviewing you plans onces the baby is here. Bye the way, I don't think that going back to you Mum's is a good idea. I know that she could offer you practical help but it won't give your DP the opportunity to renew his relationship with you or get to know the baby.

I thought I'd fallen out of love with dp for a while (actually most of the first year) with ds1, after 11 years together pre-children. In hindsight it was all to do with what has been said here - first baby is such a shock and you lose all the physical closeness for a while as all your time and attention is taken up with the baby, you're knackered, no opportunity to talk about things properly,hormones, bit of pnd mmaybe, sex life suffers etc etc - but we went on to have ds2 which I though would never happen! and it has been fine this time. Your relationship does change but it is survivable I think. I really did think we would have to split up at one point but now, as someone said, we are a nice little family unit.

Hi there,

Sorry only read OP. I know how you feel to some degree. Dh was very similar with DS1 although not to the same degree - he did look after him, change him and stuff but was always very open about not loving him and because of that was not very tolerant of the sleeplessness and crying that goes along with a newborn baby. Which is understandable really as why would you tolerate all that without the overwhelming love? However it grew gradually and by the time ds1 was 5 months old dh was head over heels in love with him. I think this is probably more common than people realise - its just not talked about. Ds1 is now 21months and dh worships him. Ds1 totally loves his daddy too and seeing them together is amazing.

Had ds2 6 weeks ago and its the same but this time it doesn't upset me as i know it will develop with time.

I understand you are upset and feel alone in this. However i would advise you to try not to get cross or upset with your dp for being honest enough to share how he feels. Better this than bottling it up. He does need to help you however - why not chat to him about how you feel telling him you understand how he feels but he does have to help you. I am sure he will grow to love his son in time once he is a bit older and interactive. Good luck x

Bathing the baby is good, especially if you can manage to stay out of the bathroom yoursef. That way he can take complete resposibility for how he chooses to look after his son, without feeling under the (potentially critical) eye of the 'expert'.

Dh still baths the children 7 years on - it's become his special time with them. It's lovely to have 20m of total peace to myself, and I very rarely use it on housework .

You're right not to trust your emotions right now. Try keeping a bit of a diary, so that you can (a) log anything that feels good, however small, and (b) 'shelve' negative thoughts and worries for the time being. Later you can come back to them and decide whether you need to continue worrying about them.

Congratulations on your lovely baby .

Don't worry about the irrational fears - don't forget your hormones are all over the place, you've probably had v little sleep, and you are worrying about your DP. Anyone in your situation would be having irrational fears.

In six month's time (I know that sounds a long way away, but it does go quickly) your son will be sitting up and so interactive that your DP won't be able to help himself getting involved. Even in a few weeks from now (about 6 weeks) when he gets the first proper smile, I am sure it will help him bond.

Just try and hang in there. You must be so disappointed and hurt, but don't give up on your family yet. For many people the early weeks are such a blur of sleep deprivation they remember very little anyhow.

Good luck and take care

It's not that you've stopped loving him, you just don't have the energy to pander to childish whining when the whiner isn't a child. Instead of making you feel pity for him like it did before you had a baby, it's making you angry.

Men just do not react the same way to the birth of their child as women do. They can't. They don't have the same hormones. However that is not an excuse to be a dicksplat.

A GOOD phrase is "It's your turn"

How can he argue with that?

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Clara,
i've just kind of skim read this thead and really feel for both you and your man and reckon you've had some really good advice on here so far. To echo what other posters have said, stay with MN for support while your own mum is away, you are doing a brilliant job!
Best bit of advice i was given (and i've passed on to loads of new mums) is DON'T JUDGE PARENTHOOD BY THE FIRST 6 WEEKS! it's perfectly normal to be crying and in your dressing gown for the first couple of months, well done on having painted toenails!!! It does get better, and your dp will probably melt at the first cheezy grin! In the meantime it sounds like he's trying, and probably fairly knackered too! (which occasionally makes some men a little less than thoughfull about picking their words carefully... apologies for the sexist sweeping statement)
Hang on in there Clara! You're doing brilliantly!

Good for you, CE!

Just make sure that the bottle is not at the same time of day each day, to ensure that your body doesn't get used to that and adjust supply accordingly. Perhaps make giving the baby a bottle a weekend 'treat' for you both: he gets to feed the baby, you get to sleep (or self-pamper )?

fantastic news clara - sounds like he's really coming round. Maybe your mum being away could be a bit of a blessing in disguise as she will not be there to support you so he will HAVE to step to it - and sounds like he is. Well done for being so patient with him - and for painting your toenails!!

glad its getting a bit better Clara - it's so true about the 6 week thing.

Colditz- loved that summary, couldn't have put it better!

clara I have lurked on this thread so pleased things seem a bit brighter

Well done you for staying out of the way and letting them have time together, I know I found it hard letting anyone have my tiny and it must be harder not being sure how DP feels about DS. Im glad he seems to be getting used to parenthood, have you tried again to express milk for him to bottle feed? My DS is 9months and I only started shaving my legs when I took him to baby swimming - I'm very impressed! Hope things continue to improve

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Hmm...difficult one. It may well shake DP into action, but it could make him think it's that easy to get his old life back...

I'd probably go though.

If weekends are good, but weekdays are bad, I wonder whether he has problems at work but doesn't want to tell you about them.

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clara, you started this thread about 2 weeks ago
during which time your dp has shown some promising
signs of finding his feet as a Dad -
are things really as bad as you think at the moment?

If that really is all that's keeping you there CE then I would pack your bags and leave for a couple of days..let him come home to an empty house and wonder how you and your son are doing...

BUT - I think asking him to go and see his GP and chat about his feelings might also help. He may have some kind of shock or depression after the birth...

I feel for you, but I stayed with an arse of a man when I had a new baby because I was scared of being alone - I ended up feeling and being more lonely than if I had left ( which I did eventually..)

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