DP is not interested in our new baby (long!)

[claraenglish]

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Clara - my DH is taking time to bond with our new DS, who is now six months old. We have an older daughter, who is nearly 2 1/2, and he was not as hands on with her as I had thought he would be. I had expected him to be bathing her and changing lots of nappies but he was not keen. However, he gradually became more involved and became really close to DD when in charge whilst on paternity leave after the birth of DS.

A friend noticed the other day when DH met up with us all that he greeted DD enthusiastically, but completely ignored DS. He is starting to pull faces at DS and tickle him sometimes, but only for short periods. He will hold him if I ask or feed him but does not volunteer and isn't really keen. However, I'M NOT WORRIED! I just don't think he's interested in babies and I've seen how close he has become to DD, even though he wasn't that hands on to begin with. He now voluntarily gets up to her in the night if she cries, gets her to help him with jobs around the house, reads her stories, buys her presents, and takes her on outings on his own.

I hope this helps to reasure you a bit. I'm not sure I would recommend encouraging your DP to talk about it with someone as I don't think my DH would be keen to do that. However, you know him best. Also, making him feed or change nappies might create resentment too. I found just asking DH to hold him now and again whilst I went to the loo or put the washing out etc. helped. He then got to pull faces and play with him, getting a fun reaction back. It helps once baby can smile (about 6-7 weeks).

With regard to breastfeeding, I think this is a difficult one. Whilst you should be able to breastfeed in front of your partner (and indeed in public) our society has funny views about breasts that are pretty engrained, and if you partner has strong feelings about you and your breasts it might be best not force the issue in front of him, i.e when you're eating. I'm sure others may disagree with me, but I don't think now is the time for you to be dealing with his 'breast' issues - better just to find a quiet spot with a good book and let him get on with the household chores!

By the way, me and DH were in separate rooms for two or three months after DS was born and I was happy with that. He got to sleep and then could function better during the day; I got to feed and change nappies without worrying about noise. Do whatever works for you.

I really hope it works out for you. Try and stick it out for a while. It really is early days!

Gosh.... I can totally understand that this must be very very hard for you. I think there have been lot's of sensible posts. In my opinion, he sounds like he needs a bit of a hard word. (Is there anyone whose professional opinion he respects? like the midwife/doc?) Personally, it's not like you can 'take a break' and 'sleep on the couch' if you wanted to. That's the thing with being a parent. We can't turn it off and on. Especially as mothers we can't. Fathers seem to get away with it. And society doesn't help by only giving two weeks leave.
(I would have been furious if my partner had slept in a separate room. I understood that during the night he had less involvement as he is a builder and therefore works with dangerous tools, but to me the job of mothering is as important and I was just as much entitled to restful nights)
Whatever his reasons for his behaviour are, the result is selfish in my opinion. I certainly agree that people change and I wouldn't give up on the relationship. The beginning is definitely a haze of weirdness. However you are entitled to feel angry. I hope you have a good support person or two where you can vent that anger safely.
If this comes across a bit extreme I don't mean to. You know yourself and your partner best. Keep the big picture in mind. For example a dummy isn't the end of the world and I got my partner to a feed here and there so he could bond and give me a break. Our kid never developed nipple/teat confusion.
Good luck

men are such babies!! i have one of those kind of dh's as well. he's fab and lovely but always gets v jealous of our new babies and is very hands off at first. i wanted to let you know that things work out fine with us after 6 months or so, with each month being better than the last til at 6 months it seems like things are back to normal. so try not to make any major decisions til that far down the line. dh was worse with ds1 but after that he knew what to expect - me wrapped up in baby stuff, feeding constantly, crying baby etc. i know a lot of posters on here have strong feelings about this kind of thing, but what works for us is if I do the whole baby thing. it's tough, but easier in the long run. so dh sleeps on the sofa (we still get to snuggle in the evening/morning though), i do all the nappies, i do all the feeds (duh" bf so i guess i would have to) and in return he doesn't whinge and looks after the kids while i have a shower etc.
he bonds later on, now he adores the ds's and spends loads of time with them, I'm happy to sit back while they do their boy thing.
sorry, th at was a bit of a ramble, what I am trying to say is don't worry about how he is reacting now, just do your thing, get on with the baby stuff, he'll come round to it all in his own time. i know it's irritating. imagine he is about 2 and you'll be on the right track

Hi Clara,

How are things going this weekend?
Hope DP is getting a bit more involved and that you are feeling happier.

Clara, I was sort of like your DP after DD's birth. She was just a baby. I didn't feel anything more for her - possibly because I was in so much pain, I couldn't care about anything else.

The bond happened in time and my love for her grew every day. Give it some time. Meanwhile, involve your DP in things to do with your baby - tell him bathtime is too difficult for you on your own, and ask him to join. Leave him with baby when you have something else to do (ironing, cooking). Don't say it's to forge a bond, but say you have to do this and that, and baby should stay next to him.

Most important is the smell - the bond between parent and baby works through pheromones. Try to leave the baby in your DP's arms. Say, when he is watching TV, put baby in his arms, saying you will be back in 5 min. Soon, you might see a lot of hugging and kissing. Nobody can resist kissing a newborn's little neck

Hope that helps. Really, give it some time and DO NOT pressure him & make him feel like he HAS to love his child. Of course he will, but let it come on its own.

I agree that bonding can take time. Things may very well improve. Sounds like it is really taking it out of you though.

I would advise sitting down with your dp and saying to him --- look, you say you have no feelings for our son, and there is nothing I can do about that. But he is a baby. He is your baby and you have a duty of care towards him. He is our joint responsibility and you are not pulling your weight, which is making things really hard for me. A baby needs to be cared for, whether you feel like it or not. So you need to stop making this all about you, and take responsibility for the shared care of this person that YOU helped to create.

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well done both of you x

I just wanted to say it sounds like things are better for you Clara and I am really happy for you. Do keep posting and keeping us updated, even if you just need to get things off your chest and unburden.

I know it was ages ago but I had to mention your first reply from NAB was awful, so glad many more supportive posters have come on since and helped you.

Only read your first and last post. Glad to see things are getting better. I never bonded with ds straight away and felt totally pushed out when dh did so well. I resented the loss of us as a couple and that dh didnt feel the same and didnt actually want just me and him again.

It took time but I got over it. I've never been as maternal as him though despite breastfeeding for years etc with both kids. DH has actually just given up work to be a sahp and it works well for all of us.

If a dad had been the OP, saying these things about the mum, we'd all havie been saying 'baby blues' and 'PND'. Men can suffer PND too, I think. And it can be worse for them because they aren't allowed to do so, or to talk about it. (Of course they are, but YKWIM.)

Both my father and one of his friends warned me wghen I was pg with my first dc that they found theselves unable to relate to their first child until he learned to smile and be responsive.

Congrats to both CE and Mr CE on your new baby. I'm sure it will work out for you, with lots of open talk and the love and trust you clearly have for each other.

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Clara so pleased to hear that things are getting better for you, and hope things continue to improve

Clara, i am so happy to read that things are improving. I posted a huge long post to you yesterday and my computor crashed mid send . It is such a traumatic big deal for men, and they get forgotten sometimes because they dont have to do the physical stuff. Your DP sounds wonderful and i bet he makes a wonderful dad too Interestingly, my DP finally said to me that he didnt bond with DD straight away, but now they are inseperable, he adores her, now that she interacts with us (she is 2) he says that he really enjoys her company.

Glad things are seeming better Clara. It is a massive massive shock to most men, even if they think they are prepared.

A week or so after our twins were born I distinctly remember Dh saying to me 'I miss you so much' and I didn't understand what he meant until much much later. I think the first few weeks are like a new intense love affair for mummy and baby and the dads are often pushed to one side, however unintentionally and it must be very hard for them.

Clara - your post really made me smile. Those first few days are SO hard and made worse by a lack of communication between you.

Take it steady, keep talking to each other and ENJOY.

xx

clara, you are doing amazingly well,
looking after a new baby as well as a shell-shocked partner!

And, yes, the arrival of a baby is quite a shock to
the system for us blokes. A weird sort of shock, particularly if
you want to be a Supportive New Man!
On the one hand, you are running around trying your hardest to
do everything you can...but then you soon notice that there is not
really that much a Dad can do directly with the baby at the beginning.

Also sounds like Marsi was spot on;
the birth experience has affected your dp pretty badly.

All credit to you for supporting him while he comes to terms
with all this. He definitely sounds like the kind of guy who
will reciprocate in spades - soon!

that's fab news, so glad things are looking more positive

(I want to mention something about the ff/bf - please don't think I'm just being miserable or having a go, not at all, you have to do what works for both of you. 1 or 2 ff a day in the early days of bf esp, can affect your milk supply, esp if done at night. i only mention it in case it does have an effect and you later feel it was something you wish you had known. obv it is your personal and family decision)

I'm really pleased things sound so much more positive for your new family and that you sound so much more upbeat yourself as well. Congratulations to you and DP on navigating this tricky patch!

congratulations on the birth of your DS. Glad you are coming through this sticky patch. The first days and weks are very hard but it does get easier and more fun.
Just want to second morocco about the ff/bf - try the kellymom website for loads of bf advice but do be aware that ff will affect your bmilk supply negatively. Best of luck

Something nice that we discovered when ds2 was neborn, which helps the dad feel the intimacy of breastfeeding:

Strip b aby to his nappy and feed him lying down in bed. Dad takes off his shirt and snugs up as closely as possible to the baby, dad's chest to baby's back. After a few moments of lying there quietly he will begin to feel baby's breathing and swallowing rhythm.

It is the best post-natal cuddle you can imagine .

While frequent or regular bottle feeds will compromise supply, IME a very occasional bottle isn't a problem, especially if it's in the evening or at night, and mum goes to bed and sleeps through that feed.

romancandles - you must have a lovely dh . mine would never have been arsed to do something as lovely as that

oooh rc, that sounds soooo cute

great news clara - sounds like you have a really good relationship and are able to talk about the problem which means you will be able to get through it.

I gave my dd a bottle of formula a day (although from about 6 weeks) and bf was fine. If it works for you then go for it

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