DP is not interested in our new baby (long!)

[claraenglish]

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Clara, this is so hard for you and 5 days postnatal is hard enough God knows .

Can you "make" him spend time with ds by giving him a job like giving him his bath at night or taking care of nappies once he's home from work to give you a break? He may not like it at the moment but at least he'll be spending one-to-one time with his son.

I can imagine that it might be easy to get into a pattern of you doing everything for the baby which will be shattering for you and could possibly make it harder for your dh to feel part of things later on.

I make no excuses for his behaviour though. Ok, he's being honest about his feelings but I think in this instance a bit of faking "happy families" with you as well as his parents wouldn't have gone amiss.

I hope things get better for you - congratulations on your ds. I'm sure the three of you will be very happy.

Congratulations on your lovely baby
Do you think your DP could have be depressed? I think post natal depression is reasonably common in men as well as women? Even if he isn't, becoming a parent is pretty difficult to deal with for most of us. Newborns are so needy, and don't really give much back, at least until you get those lovely gummy grins.
I don't think this is the moment for a relationship crisis, I think you both need some time.
But it must be really difficult for you. I think he really needs to work on getting over the breastfeeding issue. I don't think you should think about bottles at all.
I'm not sure whether it's better to encourage him to look after the baby, or just give him a bit of time for the moment? Have you got some kind of sling for DP to carry DS around in when you go out? Might make him feel a bit more useful?

He does sound like he's in shock from the birth - the fact that he was in tears because he thought he might lose you points to that. Maybe he is overwhelmed by all the feelings involved. He was probably unprepared for what he's experiencing.

Poor you having to deal with him as well as caring for your new baby though.

do you have any good friends with babies? If so can you see if your dh can have some man-to-man time with other dads - might help? I think, as other posters have said, that the seeing you in pain and being afraid he would lose you - which are very basic protective instincts has made him feel distant towards the baby - the 'cause'- if you like - of it all. As the experience recedes hopefully this distance will wear off.
In practical terms - babies do become quieter feeders over time! What ever you do don't stop b/feeding unless YOU want to.
From your point of view - its very early days in hormonal terms - if I were you I'd have a good cry over the midwife when she next comes round and go from there.

Clara, I'm hugging you! My dh was fab with our firstborn,dd, 4 years ago, but was completely different when ds arrived 5 months ago! And I'm talking completely. I don't think he was even aware he was doing it, but he kept calling ds "it" and "the baby". I was borderline depressed and his distancing from the baby was awful. My daily thoughts were of running away from the situation and all worst case scenarios. In his case, I considered shoving ds at him and forcing him to bond, then looked at relationship dh had with HIS dad and realised that that was pretty shitty and distant and, maybe, he was just terrified that he was going to be the same kind of father all over again to HIS son. I went softly, softly, and just kept presenting situations of "OOh, will you hold your son for a second while I...." and it really did the trick. I also expressed a bottle of milk every day, and, again, asked dh to feed him while I slept. Slow on the uptake, but I showed him how tired I was,(which I was stupid enough not to do with our dd, trying to act like supermum,) and guilt kicked in! I agree with a lot of the girls here, that shock is involved. And your hormones are all over the place. Keep asking for his help. He loves you and is just flailing as to his role. But he is acting like a bit of a prick and needs to cop on.

You poor thing, how odd that this has happened after the pregnancy being his suggestion. How was your labour? Was your dp down at the business end? could he be in shock at what he saw? My dp fainted as ds slid out, and he wasn't even watching that area. He said it was from seeing me screaming in so much pain, it was really very disturbing for him. I think he'd have been rocking in a corner if he'd have seen what was actually going on down there, poor squeamish chap.

I believe things will get better for you as time goes on. If I were you I would tell your dp firmly and confidently that the first three months are the most difficult, and at the end of them your baby will start to smile and laugh and love you back. It's true!

In the meantime, look after yourself and bide your time. Don't take his reaction too seriously for now, while he sorts out his emotions. Good luck x

As others have said he is most likely in shock since the change was almost the instant your DS was born.

I have always thought I was glad I was the one giving birth and not in my DH shoes as I would have found it very hard to watch something which is apparently so hard and painful for somebody I loved very much. There are very few other occasions when we are present in the medical treatment of somebody we love. It must be very very scary. It is also a question of control because he had absolutely no control over what was happening. You may feel that you didn't have any control over the birth process but at least you knew what it felt like and what was happening.

It is a good thing though that he has not withdrawn from you completely and is looking after you. I would have been personally more worried for you if he went into hiding and left you to it. He isn't going out with his mates or getting drunk every night. He is making an effort and I think, even if he is putting on a front for his parents now it could be that in time he will not need to pretend any more and the view he is giving to his parents is for real.

I am wondering if it might be a good thing that he goes back to work. He will have time to miss you and your DS and have a bit of breathing space and normality. Hopefully he will find himself wondering about your DS more and may begin to look forward to coming home. I do agree that you should leave your DH with your son as much as possible to give them a chance to bond.

However unfair you think he is being I think you need to remain calm with him. Try not to make him resent DS more by being the cause of a rift between you. It is horrible that you are having to juggle this especially when you are going through the hormonal upheaval. Hopefully in time things will improve although it might not be overnight.

I would also talk to midwife to see if she can either have a word with DH or to see if she has any experience of how to deal with this. She might not but it is worth a word.

I hope things sort themselves out for you all.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy too.

Clara, huge congratulations on your new baby.

I wanted to answer this because I remember really well the sensation of looking at my 6 day old ds and feeling nothing but cold terror. If I could have left the room pretending to be disgusted at my dp feeding him I would have done so - just to let off a bit of steam, and frankly to get out of the same place as this disruptive object (my own baby). It's frightening for both of you right now but as you adjust (to parenthood) you will find common ground again. I also second Sobernow's thoughts about the fragility of tiny babies and how that can make people feel that they can't take the pain of bonding with something so vulnerable.

The good news is that babies are gorgeous and I agree that it is likely your ds will win your dp over and definitely try to ask your dp to spend time with your ds, even if it's on the pretense of giving you a break.

This early time goes so slowly, but really it's sort of not 'real life' IYKWIM, it's like the time straight after a car crash when everything's crazy and surreal. I was discussing today with some other mothers that we don't really remember the first bit, it's in a haze. At the time it seemed as though ds would never be a month old - now he's 7 mo, a total joy, and every day seems to speed up. You'll both get there. My advice would be to try to suspend as many stressful relationship emotions as possible and concentrate on your new baby. Every time a scary thought about your dp comes into your head, try to promise yourself that you'll revisit your worries in 8 weeks time but that you'll shelve it for now. Easier said than done I know. Good luck.

Congratulations on your new arrival. Having a new baby is a rollercoaster for any parent be it mum or dad, I have been very lucky with my dh he has always been supportive with both my children however he wasnt so good at changing nappies . Being a new mummy and daddy takes time its so different from how your old life so it will take a while to adjust to your new life. Is it possible for someone to come over and have your son for a hour or so and you can go out on your own to have a little talk even if its just a walk round the block or a quick meal out. I think men find that they are being pushed out a little bit which frankly isnt your fault as a new baby is so demanding. The one thing I would say is dont bottle up your feelings talk to someone and have a damn good cry if thats what you want. Take care and I hope things sort themselves out im sure they will.

I've read that men can have post natal depression too. Could this be why your partner is acting the way he is?

I'm sure you mentioned something about your DH suggesting you both sleep in separate bedrooms.

IMHO its a great idea, we ended up doing it about 3 weeks in and it worked out so much better for us because I found it so hard to get to sleep with the noises DS and DH were making. Also if your DH is getting more sleep then he will be more alert to do chores, look after baby during the weekend, and hopefully be a bit more optimistic about things.

I wouldn't be in separate rooms forever, just until your DC isn't waking up as much, or perhaps your DH could spend some nights in the same room and on those times he would be responsible for nappy changing and bringing DC to your side for BF.

Believe me your relationship will survive you being in a different room for a while, I think if you both get a bit more sleep then things will look a lot better to both of you.

Hey Clara how's it going? Is today your first day without DP in the house?

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Oh Clara,

I really feel for you. Some men can be very difficult at times and it is not always easy to understand them, but please don't throw your relationship away after just such a short time of this behaviour. It's amazing how quickly we (me too) can forget ALL the good times with our DP when we are experiencing a difficult period. You are very tired, too, so it must be hard to think clearly.

I have been reading the other posts and many good theories have been suggested about your DP's behaviour. I would go ahead and register your DS with DP's surname. If the worst came to the worst you could always change it in the future. You have to be the strong one for now. It sounds as if your DP is in some kind of shock and may be jealous, so you need to show DP how special he is to you. It's not easy when DS is so demanding, but if your mother could baby-sit for even an hour whilst you focus totally on DP ...

I woud definitely encourage DP to spend as much time holding/interacting with your DS, but avoid giving him chores like nappy-changing for now or anything that might put him off. It sounds as if DP is an angel in many ways - keeping the house running, so value that.

It might take months, but I say hang on in there!

Good luck and of course, congratulations to you both on the birth of your little one.

Oh sweetheart!

Congratulations on the birth of your DS!

Agree completely that your DP is in shock. He sounds like a man in need of a debrief. You said that things seemed brighter? Try not to focus on the fact that your DP has been unable to bond with the baby yet.... look forward. It will come.

Please please please don't make any decisions at the moment. Give yourself and DP time. You have 6 weeks before you need to register the baby. If necessary change the appointment, but please make no decisions this week ok?

Much love to you.

Hmmm, lots of stuff going on here. Personally, I cared for both our DSes when they were tiny, but I find babies under 3 months a bit ... well ... gross. They're so helpless. They're like something out of a David Lynch film.

(I did breastfeed, I did cosleep, etc etc.)

I think your DP may be depressed. It may be that your son's birth has brought up some unpleasant stuff from his childhood, and his relationship with his mother. I wonder if he's cagey about talking about his childhood?

It's quite clear that he has strong feelings about you and about the baby, much as he's trying to be indifferent. Yes, some of his feelings are negative, but I think negative strong feelings can cover positive strong feelings ...

Hi Clara,

I've read all the other posts and I think a lot of what has been said by other posters about your DP's behaviour could be right.

My situation was that my DP was horrible and unsupportitve when I was pregnant but fine once the baby arrived. OK, a different situation but I had similiar feelings to you now. Don't do anything rash, I'm sure he will come round.

It sounds like he is trying to provoke a reaction in you and could well be jealous of the baby. My mum said my dad was jealous when we all arrived and it took him some months to become the doting dad.

But you have a right to be angry!

I'm angry for you that he is spoiling what should be a precious time for you. If I'm totally honest, part of my anger comes from my DPs behaviour when I was pregnant.

But I'm sure you will weather the storm and come out as a strong and loving family unit in the end.

Just wanted to send you support really.

love Vulgar x

DH was thrilled with DD1's birth but still didn't like to do much with her cos she was so tiny and he was really worried that he would do it wrong. PLUS babies are so boring. Your DP does seem to be taking it too far. I think some of the others might be right and he may have been expecting the rush of love that you got and when it didn't come he freaked out and the guilt he feels will probably be huge.
Try not to let him ruin your first days/weeks with your son.
If he continues to do this type of stuff, then tell him that you would rather he ewent to work so you caould actually enjoy being a mother.
DO NOT let him intimidate you into changing to bottle, you are doing so well to breast feed, it is not easy. And if you don't want dummies lay down the law You wil have to be firm. Perhaps tell him what Colditz told her DP. You are not No 1 anymore, you never will be again, get used to it.

I am sure the love will come for your DP but give him a chance. Most men start noticing them when they become interesting and star tto do stuff, which can be weeks/months. When they start to smile/coo/make noises/reach out for people they recognise.

I am really sorry that he is ruining your first experience of motherhood, but now you know how he is being try to ignore it as much as you can and enjoy your son. DS will not remember anything so your DP is the only one missing out here. He will never get this time back, and neither wil you so enjoy it despite him.

Clara,
congratulations first of all. I would totally echo what Mars says about not making any big decisions at the moment. He obviously loves you, but doesnt feel what he expected about your son yet. It is a time of huge change and readjustment for you both. Softly softly, one day or even one hour at a time. Keep bfeeding, do not hide away. These reactions from men (or indeed women) are not unusual, though of course upsetting to you. You may well find that slowly dp starts to relate to your son, in different ways to you perhaps. Provide him with opportunities to do this and maybe move to a point where you can go out for and hour and leave him with ds when he is in a wakeful state. good luck, i totally hear from you that this is not the start to parenthood that you wanted or anticipated, but with time a strong father son bond can grow.

Hi Clara, how's it going? My heart goes out to you. Did you and your partner do ante-natal classes together, and if so, can you get in touch with people from that so he can talk to other new Dads? Or ask your midwife for info on local drop-in groups - it will also give you something to do when he is back at work. Well done for being out and about so quickly. I do so hope you get to enjoy these early days with your ds.

Hi clara,

I have been following your other thread since you went into labour although I haven't posted and I just want to say how sorry I am that your dp is behaving in this way. I know all the other posts are right about giving him time, and he is in shock and all that, but at the same time I would also feel so angry with him that he is spoiling these first precious weeks with your baby - especially as it is YOU who is doing everything

Just a bit of practical advice - when dd was born, DH and I weren't married and we gave her a double-barrelled surname. No we are married and we have changed her surname to my DH's surname (which is now also mine). When we registered her birth, the woman told us that we could change her name to our married name later but not vice-versa - so if you wanted to give you ds your surname now then you could change it when you get married. We just did this last month and it was very straightforward.

One more thing I would say is that it sounds like your mum is sort of filling the role you dp would normally fill - obviously this is great because your dp is not filling it but I wonder if this might make things worse for your dp who might feel like you are ganging up on him, and he is surplus to requirements? I'm not suggesting for a second that you are doing this, just that he might feel this way

Will keep checking to see how you are getting on and really really hope he starts coming round soon

Your opening gambit was bit strong nab

Clara Im so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time with your dh at the moment.

I remember reading some research that suggested some men actually suffer from something like post traumatic stress syndrome after seeing their partners give birth. It isnt unusual for men to feel nothing and even dislike the baby who in their view put their partners through so much and endangered their lives, ultimately some men feel that it is their fault, they got their partners pregnant.

Is it possible to suggest that you dp goes and talks to the gp about things, talk to your midwife if she is still visiting you, and ask her to talk through your labour with you both, this debriefing may help. Im not sure what else to suggest but I think its important you talk to someone like your midwife or hv so that hopefully they can support you

I hope things improve for you

You said in an earlier post Clara that you don't know any other couples with babies. Perhaps you might get to know some by joining NCT or striking up conversations at the clinic (when you get that far) so you can find some other parents with a baby the same age as yours.

Can understand how you feel about dp's attitude. Very hurtful. People on here have said talk to him. Well that might help, but some men don't like to talk about feelings and he sounds like one of those. Sounds like he's being supportive in practical terms, so I don't see how letting him feed the baby would help. Probing his feelings only gives him the opportunity to hurt you more with things he says. Most likely he knows his attitude is inexplicable, so attempts to get him to explain it are doomed to failure.

I would try to ignore the negative things he says, eg complaining about the baby noises, and thank him for the positive things he does. If he can't share your joy at the baby at the moment, it's sad but you can't force it. Better to try and give him non-baby-centred attention when the baby is asleep and doesn't need you. Even if it's just falling asleep in his arms. Let's hope he gets over this phase v soon.