DP is not interested in our new baby (long!)

[claraenglish]

Message withdrawn

You poor thing. What happened? (I have no experience here at all, btw, but I didn't want you to go unanswered)

oh clara, what has happened? I was pleased to read your positive post but im not surprised, i would expect it to be up and down. Give him time.

What's happened Clara?

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

clara - you poor thing, you are really going through it.

DP is being very childish in his attitude to bf, is he being (subconsciously) 'coached' by his family? (Sorry, I have read the thread but a couple of days ago). Is your hv sensible and thus could be trusted to have a meaningful convo with him about why bf is a good thing?

Can you have a sensible discussion with him about breastfeeding? It would be insane to have got it going so well and then chuck it because he doesn't like the noises involved - does he think your ds is going to not make slurping noises if he's bottlefed? That's mad.

No-one will doubt your ability, you are doing the absolute best for your baby. These early days are tricky for a trad dad who is out of the house all day and can't breastfeed (obviously). This time will pass.

Do you really think he might walk out? I would definitely want to air that topic. My guess from your posts is that you are - as, god knows, we all have been - hormonally imbalanced and imaging the worst. Only a complete arse would walk out on his wife and child at this stage, I genuinely doubt things are as rocky as they seem right now.

Take care - I know it's not the same but we are all here to support you whilst your mum is away.

your HV is there to help you

you may well have PND, it sounds like your DP is really having trouble adjusting to his new role and you are bearing the brunt

please try to talk to her or even show her this thread if you can't

have you talked to your DP about the breastfeeding issue after this incident?

I've been following this thead and I feel so much for you. It sounds like he's shell shocked by the whole thing and I was wondering if he has any male mates / family who have also recently become fathers that he can talk to about this? I suspect that the two of you are going round and round in circles with you becoming more hurt and confused by his approach and him thereby feeling more isolated. I think he needs to voice his fears to someone other than you.

I do hope he manages to accept this soon, I can imagine how tough this is for you. It sounds to me like you're doing a really great job with your ds, so no-one's going to think that you're not capable.

Yes - it is a genuine reason to be hurt - you are doing what you think (and feel) is best for your baby - Will your DH be around tomorrow when the HV comes?

I'd definitely say something to HV - they won't doubt your ability and should have experience of supporting you as a mother as well and your baby.

Are there any baby groups or breastfeeding cafes/groups that you can go to? Take each day as it comes - plan to go out for a walk etc. The HV should be able to give you info on whats in your area.

haven't had time to read the entire thread but my first thoughts were - it's very early days and the first baby is such a shock - my relationship took over a year to recover i would say, that this is probably pretty normal. My own experience was the opposite - DP bonded fine with the babies but didn't seem that interested in me at times! He told me the other day that he loves our 2 children more than me because they are flesh and blood and I am not! I try not to be offended as I kind of know what he means - the bond with children is different because they are small and vulnerable and you are responsible for them. Equally, i can see how this could really scare someone that wasn't expecting it like your DP. If you feel your relationship was generally good beforehand I would give him and you some time. Remember how crap men generally are at expressing themeselves and that your hormones might be making you oversensitive - all compounded by shock and lack of sleep! It really is early days and will get much better!

forgot to say, my DP was a bit freaked out by the bf first time - he didnt say anything but I could tell he was a bit grossed out and he made me feel uncomfortable doing it in public, always making me cover up etc - second time he proudly tells everyone how much comes out when I express and sterilises everything for me! Give him somme time - it is a major change for both of you.

Clara, nobody would doubt your ability!!
And, no, you are not being oversensitive -
what in God's name is his problem???!!
He does not like the sucking noises?!?
The mind boggles.

You need all the support you can get,
definitely talk to the HV.

Message withdrawn

hi clara - i've been reading through but not added anything because I don't feel I can really contribute much. Am only on my first baby and he's still very small, we're still muddling through here so in no position to offer advice! I'm glad MN is helping you and hope your HV can give you some RL advice and support.

It sounds like he may have a hang up about breastfeeding. Maybe it's that thing about feeling that your breasts belong to him and not to your baby.
I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice but I really want to give you support.

clara, this must be incredibly painful for you.

It does sound as if something has affected your DP much more than he anticipated - either the sharing of you, the loss of himself as the main focus of your concern, the shock of the birth experience, or maybe deep jealousy that he wasn't bf or something over his own childhood. Your DP must know he isn't reacting as most new dads do? Would he go to a counsellor, or maybe to Relate with you to talk this through?

I am sure there is something in his reaction to your baby feeding that is beyond the obvious and rational.

I think it would be worth talking to your HV about your DH's dificulties - she may have an idea of where he can get soe help / support. She has NO reason to think you are being anyhting other than a brilliant Mum!

I am really pleased to hear he was apologetic.

He comes across like a really good guy,
desperate to be a great Dad/Husband
but at the moment simply not up to it emotionally.
And I would not be surprised if deep inside
he is incredibly frustrated, even ashamed about that.

Clara, I hope from all the posts here you do
realise that you are NOT at fault.
Breasfeeding is not the real issue either.

I wholeheartedly agree with Blu's last post.
Your situation - what your dh is going through - is
not at all unusual and your HV should be able to help.

Stay strong, the three of you will get through this!

Clara,would DP be happy to chat to another bloke? My DP would chat to him for a bit of male perspective. Our DD is 8 months now and she is his first.

I'm sure you are a fab mum and he will come round eventually, as others said, it is a shock especially first time round.

Speak to your HV and take it from there.

Hugs to both of you!

Clara - You are so not alone in this experiecne, and although I have not read all the posts, you sound like you are doing such a good job, esp with PFB, and it is SOO hard alone, asp if you have a DP who should be supportive and ain't.

My DH barely picks up, or attends in anyay to my DD, now 11 weeks old. We also have a DS, 2.5, and he adores him, and dotes on him. DH did loads for DS when he was tiny, changing nappies etc.. but hasn't even helped bath or change or dress DD.

I don't know what his problem is. What I do know is that I have to try my hardest not to shut him oiut. My instinct is to shower DD with love as compensation, and not to ask DH to do things for/ with her. I've only been out once on my own for pleasure since she was born, and that was at night when she was asleep.

Keep offering him opportunities to get involved, and suddenly when the smiles and the giggles come, he will beome interested. Babies are terrifying for everyone involved, and you've had 9 months to get used to yours inside you, your LO is part of you in a way that makes men feel v left out. I suspect whilst being scared of losing you during labour, he may also have been somewhat in awe of the amazing thing you have done - perhaps a little jealous of the isntant bond that mums usually feel for their babies.

On the subject of Feeding - is he left out? Does he think that he could do more if the LO were FF? If so, could you express? Its worth asking him. Sorry if this has been covered.

It breaks my heart that my DH isn't interested in my DD, she is so beautifu, giggling and cooing. I stayed at my Mums last week for a break, and DD was quite poorly, DH wasn't even interested. I talk to my Mum, remind myself that it should get better, and keep trying.

good luck

Ah yes... my DD sometimes projectile vomits with hidden wind - DH's response was "leave her, she's just greedy, let her cry for a bit". When she wouldn't BF, and screamed, he said "don't give her ff - let her stay hungry that'll teach her not to refuse BF".....

Hi Clara, don't have time to read the whole thread but have read your OP and wanted to reassure you with my experience. My ds is 14 months. Had a quite traumatic birth and dp was v. worried about me, and isn't particularly into babies anyway. The first night we had ds home he screamed all night - in the morning I put him on the bed and dp snarled "Get that f*ing noise away from me". I went downstairs and cried unconsolably ...

Well, dp is now the most doting dad imaginable, adores ds more than anything. He has never done much on the practical front - nappies etc - but that's OK, we manage, and he is great with ds emotionally, they play, they laugh, they adore each other. I would never have believed this could happen looking back at those early days when he is quite happy to admit he saw ds as 'just a collection of chores'.

New babies are really difficult. They are delicate, they scream, you feel threatened because you don't know what you're doing, they are uncontrollable, you can't communicate with them ... Dp and I both took weeks or maybe even months to bond with ds properly, but that is OK. It's a perfectly reasonable response to feel very distant from the baby, just as it is reasonable to love them from day one. We got there in the end! It helped actually that both of us had quite low expectations about the early weeks, so we didn't feel like we were failing by struggling, iyswim.

A wise woman said to me at the time that a lot of men really aren't great with tiny babies and just to give him time. Of course your dp should be more supportive, but I have never found focusing on 'shoulds' with my dp to be helpful for either of us! Give him time, and get support anywhere and everywhere else you can in the meantime.

Good luck and congratulations!

Morning Clara,

How are you feeling today?

Is the sun shining where you are? If so, get DS all snuggled up in the pram and go for a walk to clear your head - enjoy.

Clara - congratulations on your lovely baby.

I just wanted to add my experience. My dh took a couple of months to bond with both my dcs, he just found that he couldn't relate to tiny babies at all. He avoided them where possible and never changed a nappy or did a bath. He is fantastic with them now though and loves them deeply.

My SIL had a similar experience to you with the breastfeeding issue as my BIL can't bear the idea or the sight of breastfeeding in any way. SIL gave in and went for the formula but now says that she regrets it now four years later and should have told him to get over himself. He is a great dad, he just has a wierd phobia.

I hope you and your dh find a way through these early days. It is such a shame that he has no friends to let off steam with and so you have to bear the brunt.

It sounds to me like you dh is very upset and mixed-up by the whole ongoing experience and is reacting aggressively. Sort of agressive-defensive, if that makes sense.

My love is in pain and I can't do anything about it!
My woman is being turned into a mooing cow, she's making scarey irrational animal noises!
That little scrap of brat caused all this - and now I'm expected to love it?!
I'm supposed to love it! Why don't I love it? There's something wrong with me!
It's wriggley - oh shit I'll drop it - what do I do?!
I'm a man - I should have all the answers, but I don't know what to do!

I do hope the HV can help, and that your dh can work through his issues and begin to enjoy fatherhood and to support you.