DP is not interested in our new baby (long!)

[claraenglish]

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Well said Romancandles - that sounds a lot like my DH

Ah jsut realised you are a MAN! Even better, a male perspective definately helps.

or did I misread your post?

will go away now.....

Sobernow might have something about your dh being scared of his fragility.

Sounds like your dh is scared to bond with your ds, but why? Because he's scared of losing him/you/your relationship what?? He's probably also feeling guilty about he's feeling - which ain't going to help.

I struggled to bond with my first dd because I'd had mcs in the past and couldn't quite believe she'd stick around. Something in me made me distance myself even tho' I'd wanted her so badly. Could your dp be worried about being hurt if he bonds? My dh bonded before I did with dd1 - but it did come with time.

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Clara - i have all these irrational thoughts too!

Unfortunately they come free with the gift of a lovely family.

You're not alone.

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.
Just keep coming on here and talking to us until he grows up enough to appreciate what a wonderful woman he has and what a good mum you are. He is missing out big time, and one day he will realise this and regret it. My dh couldn't live with us when ds1 was born( I was 15 and still lived at home) and now we have been lucky enough to have 4 more beautiful children. He has a job where he has to work really long hours, but even when he is shattered he says they all make him smile and realise why he does it. Just give him time and space, as he has got to do this in his own time, although this is so hard on you. Take care of yourselves x

Hi Clara,
Just wanted to say congratulations on your new arrival and so sorry that you are having such a difficult time with partner. If he is generally a kind and thoughtful bloke which it sounds like,then this could be a temporary reaction, I really hope he comes round and it works out for you X

Breastfed babies more intelligent! it was in all the papers! make him read about it!!!!

Are you sure that, if you give up breast-feeding, he won't just find something else to object to, if there is a deeper issue he has not acknowledged? it would be a shame to sacrifice b/f for nothing ...

Hi there.

I so sympathise with you. My DH was stacked with work and away a lot when my DS was born and for 6 months. DS was sick and in and out of hospital and my mum had to come over from Spain to help look after my DD. DH was angry and defensive, mostly I think because he felt he was letting me down. It took until DS was about 6 months and giggling and laughing and being cuddly before DH really started to bond with him and now (13 months) they have a great fun relationship and I even leave DH to get on with it if I fancy a day or evening out! Breast feeding won't last forever. If it really makes him unhappy then pop into another room when you're doing it or express and bottle feed when you're in public. I know this sounds like you're giving in, but you know, successful relationships need some compromise and it really is only for a very short while before you're ready to start dropping feeds and moving to formula.

I also think you need to see your HV or doctor to discuss whether you do have a touch of PND. It sounds like you do - but perhaps just in bursts, not all the time. Don't call it "fragile", PND is not something to be afraid of or hidden. I had it after DD was born and admitting it and talking about was a huge help.

Love and luck.

Clara, you are having a tough time.
My friend had a similar problem when her son was born, she now refers to it as Dh suffering from male PND, don't know if it exists but I can what she means.
Keep talking about it, on MN, to your Mum, friends, just let it all out, its so much healthier that way.
Have any of your friends got babies?
I am so glad you have a lovely baby, he is worth it all. I promise you. If in doubt focus on him.
Are you still feeding DS yourself?

Maybe it's you that he's worried about in that case? Maybe he resents ds at the moment for taking 'you' away and seemingly making you go through a hard time? Maybe he thinks you're not as happy as he thought you would be?

If he is very protective of you, it could be that he is worried that ds is going to make you ill/exhausted/stressed out and is blaming ds for it.

I don't think not bf will help your dh and ds bond, in the end it will just be another thing for him (and possibly you) to feel guilty and resentful about.

It needs to be talked out more I think, you may be worrying about that he is thinking things that he really is not thinking - IYSWIM! You can drive yourself mad worrying about your dp. Just focus on you and the baby and your dh will come round.

Clara no-one is rational this soon after having a baby. Don't beat yourself up about it, and don't feel a need to put on a front with the hv, you need to be honest about what you're going through.

I think your dp is going to come good, but the first few months are really tough for a WOHD (not that they aren't for us too, but I have a particular friend who is failing to come to terms with being a new daddy right now) - patience and keep the communication lines open.

Clara - I am like that with the worrying about terrorist attacks and whether babies are breathing! With ds1 I felt guilty as I stopped worrying about DP in London as all my worrying was taken up with the DS at home! Now on number 2 I realise there is only so much time and energy to waste in worrying and upset and bloody housework - the post about getting out for a walk was spot on!!! That is what helps in these early days.

And I have one big piece of advice for you which really helped me: get a breathing monitor. I think I was heading towards PND first time around as I was so sleep deprived from checking the baby every hour that I just couldn't get on top of things. A monitor really helped me as I could switch off and get some proper sleep knowing I wouldknow if there was a problem. Doesn't work for all but us and several friends have found them really helpful.

Where do you live, I would love to meet up and give you a real life hug.
This will have to keep you going for now.
Hug

Worrying about your baby is completely normal, it becomes part of your subconscious. It's maternal instinct. Did you never wonder how come your mum seemed to have eyes in the back of her head? You, too, will develop them. Yesterday ds2 took a dive off a table, and was caught simultaneously by three mums (including me), one of which was sitting at a neighbouring table and hadn't even been paying conscious attention to us.

It's only if worrying takes over, and stops you from getting on with life, that it is anything to worry about, IYSWIM.

Worrying about your baby is something you can accept and enjoy. It's not the same as worrying about terrorists and plane flights.

BTW, I am a mum, not a dad. I don't pretend to have any special insight into how men think, but dh and I had some heart-to-hearts as I was recovering from PND, and some of the things I have suggested might be going through your dh's mind were mentioned by my dh.

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CE, I'm in Berks - near Reading - if you want a shoulder to lean on, large lump of chocolate...

I wish i could give both of you a hug, and the baby.

Its bloody difficult and its a major time fo change for both of you.
Lots of stress , when a new baby arrives.

I think small steps are needed here.
simply carry on feeding the baby, in a matter of fact way.

On rare occasions when baby is down for a nap, keep a little phsyical contact with partner. hold hands. Look directly at his face when you talk to him.

Tell him you were glad he was with you when you had the baby.
that no one else would have helped you ,and that it was important that he was there.

You may think he knows this, but sometimes we all need to hear the good stuff.

I wouldnt worry so much about him not appearing to love the baby, its all indivudual, and quite frankly happens to mothers all the time, so why not fathers?
I didnt love my first until he was about 3 days old. I thought he was ugly , horrible and kept thinking his mother needed to take him home!!! ( and I was breastfeeding him as well!! LOL)

Well done you for sticking to the breastfeeding, and well done baby for knowing what to do!
On the bright side he is talking to you, even if not very much, kaybe keep trying the softly softly approach and ask him to hold baby while you nip to the loo - when clean, fed and happy is most appealing but don't spoil him! Is he doing anything for the baby at the moment, and is he still looking after you and the house or has that ground to a halt now he's back at work?
I would avoid making B/feeding any more of an issue than it already is, you've said its better for baby and its what you want, no need to rub is face in it any more. He should be getting used to it now.
On the less bright side I'm in N Yorks and can't think of a good excuse for a day in Berks off the top of my head, but I have long arms! Seriously though, if you want reinforcements on the end of the phone while your Mum is away I'm very willing to be on call.
How are you feeling in yourself today?

If you changed to FF would he really help, or would he do a few, the novelty would wear off and then it would be all you, seething cos you gave up bfing???

If he really wants to help y ou he should be supportive.
I don't think the health benefits are convincing him, so perhaps you should try the "It's what I want to do , and that should be reason enough for you to support me" approach.

There are other things he can do to bond, bathing is an excellent way to bond, unless ds screams thru bathing. Tho if he's like my DH who didn't bath DD1 alone until I was in hospital having DD2 (DD1 was 2.8yo) then you may have quite a wait
Bloody men, why can't they mind read, then just do everything we want them too.???

Is that asking too much do you think??

btw he should apologise most profusely for the mocking. I would be furious about that, but also I'm afraid I would think that was pretty pathetic and would probably look at him like this

Bathing is a good one. DH used to give DS all his baths when he was little, and it was "their time".

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Clara, happy anniversary

It will get better, just take it a day at a time. Please do not challenge your feelings too much right now. DH is there for you and is taking more of an interest, so that has to suffice for the moment.

Also, make sure when your Mum is back that DH does not feel left out. She may be able to babysit and give you a bit of time together. Just a meal for the two of you or maybe afternoon tea somewhere nice, no pressure with a baby, etc

And yes, people fall out of love, I know I have done but then sometimes I think I am very blessed with my little tribe and DP and then the world is alright again.

It would be nice to live happily ever after but it does not happen so often and it certainly does not happen without both parties doing their bit.

Hang in there and hugs to you three!!