Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

It’s not necessarily about the children more about life in general, and the kids just factor in. Everyone is entitled to a good moan. The same way childless people complain about being tired..... never complain to a mum about being tired if you don’t have kids... never

@Nomorepies what a horrible thing to say!!

@Nomorepies

I think people without kids like you are miserable.

Unnecessary.

Nomorepies has a point.

I can't imagine going to a forum, designated primarily for subject/people 'X' and asking - said people 'X' - 'Why are you so miserable?'

It's rude.

Especially when many threads on the forum designated primarily to subject/people 'X' outline aspects of the world/society that disadvantage them because they are 'X'.

And during a pandemic where group 'X' have borne the brunt of job losses, poverty, extended working hours (ie. exploitation).

It's either rank stupidity, creepy or goady.

never complain to a mum about being tired if you don’t have kids... never

I detest when people say this. What a pathetic and ignorant thing to say.

Shall we tell everyone to never complain or be depressed because we could live in a 3rd world country so have nothing to complain about?

Damn right ignorant and pathetic

I hate the fact that many people - even women - automatically assume that because you've birthed a child, you are some kind of publicly-owned sponge/cushion, willing to bestow 'Magical Mum Benevolence' on all random comers, irrespective of how rude, patronising or lacking in basic respect they are.

Not sure it makes me 'miserable' - but it does make me quite cross.

Shouldn’t complain about tirednees to a woman who is finally pregnant after suffering years of fertility and countless miscarriages like I did. I literally couldn’t sleep due to anxiety and would spend hours each night counting kicks. I think that was the worst I had in terms of lack of sleep - even when you consider the 30mins on / off sleep I had while breastfeeding - as DH used to stay awake and keep an eye on DS while I slept through feeds.

Well right now it can be miserable. There is no respite. We are "on" constantly. We've no grandparents to bubble with for childcare so we've not had a break or proper time together for almost a year. Just because that's challenging doesn't mean I regret my children. Just means that right now it's a bit shit.

I think it's human nature to moan. Possibly those with young kids (myself included) don't have time for much else in their lives to moan about, so we moan about the kids. I wouldn't change being a mum though. I might winge but my little boy is a joy (most of the time).

Anyone can be tired - mothers on here that think only mothers can be tired just do one.

Patronising and pathetic - once again it's that 'I'm more special because I birthed a child' mentality coming out. 'Your issues are secondary to mine because in a MOTHER'!

Do one please.

But my childless friend had it much, much worse. Still remember when she rang me out of the blue to say her whole family had been hospitalised with Covid. She lives in a country where it can be a death sentence and everyone in the friend group took turns spent texting and facetiming in the night as she was convinced one of them would die if she slept. Luckily all survived but wouldn’t wish that on anyone

There was a trend in social media of people going on about hating their kids. Or at least resorting to wine / gin and calling them "little shits" and so on. Seemed on trend to dislike your children for a while. It bugged me. Went past the "solidarity" line. I quite like mine, as it happens. They're good kids. But not every moment has been glorious, no.

@BackforGood

Well, IME, they aren't

However, if you are taking your research from reading threads on MN, people post when they are seeking help / when they are struggling with something, so that is why you read about the difficult aspects. They don't post when they are laughing or otherwise having fun. They don't post to log in eeach day and say I've had a lovely day today. They don't post to say - "yup, another good day in my life" - where's the 'news in that?

This.

I love being a parent, can't imagine not having kids. But they make my head explode at times.

I feel like I knew it would be hard but thought, because I’ve heard this so often, that all the indescribable unconditional endless love and magical bond etc. that you feel would make up for it and it would therefore “all be worth it”. Well it is hard but don’t think I’ve ever experienced any of those feelings! I don’t hate her or anything but it’s definitely possible that if I had a second chance I wouldn’t go down this path. I’m unsure.

I have a 6mo and I have experienced all the negative things you stated except I don't mind not having time to myself. But the last 6 months have been fucking amazing too and wouldn't change it for the world and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat

Because kids are hard work & I have no idea why people are surprised when they discover this.

Some people just think their life is harder than everyone else's and like to have a good moan.

Don't let it put you off - not everyone is miserable.

I stopped at one, because I knew I’d be miserable with more. I never regretted it

tootsytoo all those subjects you outline come within the ambit of 'motherhood'.

It's disingenuous to pretend the site doesn't attract a readership whose interest is in motherhood - either as parents, or those exploring the path.

And I might give the OP a more generous reading if it weren't that this is about the sixth post I've read in as many days, innocently asking posters-who-just-might-be-mothers why mothers are shit at something or another/moaning pointlessly about something or another.

This site attracts a lot of people who have some weird fetish about mothers.

You know, mothers were people prior to children, right? We didn't spring from the womb as mother's, we have some experience of life without children by way of comparison.

@tootsytoo

Anyone can be tired - mothers on here that think only mothers can be tired just do one.

Patronising and pathetic - once again it's that 'I'm more special because I birthed a child' mentality coming out. 'Your issues are secondary to mine because in a MOTHER'!

Do one please.

Fully agree with you, this one annoys me so much. The number of people who told me when I was pregnant "you haven't known tiredness until you've had a child" used to give me rage! Also, I had a spell a few years ago of intense fatigue that lasted nearly a year; I had a fair bit of time off work because of it. Some days I would try to power through and would end up light-headed from it. Docs never got to the root of it, and it flairs up every now and then although never as badly as when it first came on. The tiredness that I felt in the days and weeks and month after having a baby, with all of the night feeds and sleep deprivation and coping on my own at home with my partner working 12 hour days was a drop in the ocean compared to the tiredness I felt when I was unwell. And I remember at the time ole ole saying to me "oh you think you're tired, wait until you have kids" 🙄

It's very tiring and there is no off switch or let up but for every exasperated moment my toddler brings me at least 4 smiles or a cheeky laugh!

You have to remember as well for the last 10 months there has been zero let up for many parents no dinners out, no softplays in Scotland, no quick family visit and grandparents have child for a few hours. This makes it 100 times tougher ontop of a pandemic and money/job worries. Oh and then throw into the mix you worrying about your child's development and socialisation!

I'd respect the OP a lot more if they linked to a male-dominated forum where they'd posed the same question to 'people'.

I love my children more than anything, but they are draining the life out of me. The last few years have been all about our DD, she is SN, school has been such a disaster and so unreliable I cannot work, in fact I could only drive about 20 minutes from home so I was close enough to shoot back up there and bring her home (at the schools request), I get literally 1 night off a year, usually my birthday where DH will get me tickets to see a band or something. I have no friends at all here, and any I have and all our family are very far away (we emigrated in 2014). There is no-one who is comfortable or confident to look after DD for luxuries such as 'date night'. She has been an inpatient at a peads psych clinic which then resulted in her having separation anxiety and she did not go to school for 3 months once she was out and it hours of screaming just to get her to leave the house. This year in August she was moved to a special needs school and there was finally light at the end of the tunnel, where I might be able to think about having a hobby, going further afield than 20 minutes from home (we live in a fairly remote village). Lockdown has meant I am once again surrounded by her ALL the time. Schooling her at home is hit and miss at best, my house has been smashed up, I have been punched and kicked, screamed at constantly. Currently she has insomnia but I still try my hardest to get her up every morning, so she is floating around ALL day, as a nice side bonus she has also developed what I am hoping is temporary Agoraphobia. We also have DS who she will systematically pick on, over power and abuse. It is rare that they can play together for any period of time without it turning violent.

I have not had a life in 6 and a half years, I put everything me related on the back burner for the sake of our children (including surgery). I haven't done anything remotely fun for 16 months, I only go out to run errands and do the weekly shop, this lockdown is brutal for me, it took away my ray of hope, and then took away any head space. Our DD is a lot of hard work and I do need space from her, even just the reliable, predictable time she is meant to be at the new school. The only time I get to spend with DS is his weekly hobby that I make a point of taking and staying with him for and now we don't have that either.

I will of course do everything I can for them, but during this period it is so very difficult.