Why do people with children seem so miserable!?

[MAK93]

So a serious question & no offence intended, but as I don’t have children but looking to start a family, it’s really pickled me.

I always see/hear people complain about having children, how hard it is, how they don’t get time for themselves, how it affects relationship with their partner, how their life feels mundane & without purpose (other than being a parent).

I know most people talk about the bad & not necessarily the good, especially on MN.

But it really is betrayed in such a negative way that it makes me wonder why people continue to do it, surely it can’t be as bad as some make it seem?

Interested to maybe here parents explain if they have felt like this but the other side to the situation (positive one!), or if it was a phase, if you regret it in hind sight or is it really not as horrible as I keep reading

It’s the relentlessness of the responsibility. It’s extremely draining. There are of course huge positives which are hard to understand before you have them, but the negatives (being knackered, being broke, never getting a break) are easy to imagine.

Nothing prepared me for being a parent and to be fair we’ve been dealt quite a hand - unexpected twins, both disabled and issues with my health. The day to day of dealing with disabled twins and everything that goes along with that is overwhelming. But then the other day one of my (still non verbal) twins spelt out his own name with magnetic letters and I was so happy I thought my heart would actually burst. They aren’t overly affectionate so when one comes just to give me a cuddle I want to cry with happiness. They are the reason I get out of bed every day even when I’m exhausted and in pain or am projectile vomiting or have the flu. That’s hard but it’s also a good thing. I wish life weren’t so hard for them but I would never want to go back to not having them.

When they are small it can be very boring, lonely and absolutely relentless. It does however get easier as they get older.

@ApplesandAnimals

I’m going to tell you everything I wish I was told before having kids.

People do talk about it like you say, but they should speak louder sometimes IMO. It’s overwhelming and puts huge pressure on everything; your body, your relationship and your finances to name some. You don’t have a life for a long time, everyday life is often thankless drudgery, and no one talks about how boring babies are.

You might end up with easy babies, or get one who doesn’t sleep/eat/cries constantly. Post natal depression is real. Your partner may step up and he/she may not.

You do love them, but this may take a long time and often not straightaway. You can kiss your evenings goodbye for the foreseeable. I cry at how different my life is and often wish I could have my old life back.

The positives (for me, anyway) are that this little human, who looks a lot like me, smiles at me every time he sees me, keeps me on my toes, makes me laugh and changes every day.

Also important to remember that it comes naturally to some people, and others not so much. Unfortunately you can’t do a dry run so you only find out when it’s too late!

Good luck.

This in spades. I am finding it really hard, I got the difficult baby! I think I had a touch of PND and really resented my son for a long time. Love him to bits now, but still often yearn for my previous life. Oh, and he is 2 and still doesn't sleep!!

@littleseeds11 so accurate x

@MAK93 it's true, people love to tell you horror stories. It's the same when people talk about birth- everyone is trying to convince you that their birth was the worst. The THINGS people told me when I was pregnant- I remember being like right. So this baby is going to tear me in half, and then in half again, when it comes out, and then I will basically be too exhausted to enjoy my life for the next 20 years, and even if I weren't the drudgery would make it impossible to enjoy anyway?

Now tbf I ended up with an emergency c section so technically I did get a little bit torn in half when he came out but still, it was fine, and now he's here and he's lovely 🥰 Yes, some days I think "oh fuck I'd love to go back to sleep" but my partner and I take it in turns to have one lie in each at the weekend, and yes our lives are very different, and yes the baby is currently asleep in Christmas pjs because even though I feel like I am constantly washing his clothes, I have somehow run out of clean babygrows again BUT he is an awesome little dude and I am very excited to see who he becomes, and if having children is something you think you want then go for it. Of course there is the risk of things like PND, and I'm not minimising how awful that is, but I think sometimes we get sold the idea that raising children is AWFUL for EVERYONE and I don't think it's fair (although to be honest I think it's backlash from decades and decades of people pushing the narrative that men had it hard because they had to work, and women had it easy because "all" they had to do was look after the children and the home.)

Portrayed, not betrayed.
I got left with 3 under 8, and then 2nd marriage had 1 more, marriage ended through DV.
Wouldn’t swap 1 moment with my wonderful family. Been mostly poor, always tired, but loved/ love every bit of it. 💕

Because the good outweighs the hard times .

People come to mn with problems or moaning and complaining when things are tough. I'm sure people would think twice (actually give up altogether) before entering a relationship, if they spend time on MN relationship boards before hooking up.

I adore my kids, and absolutely love the fact that I’m theirs, and they’re mine. I’d merrily lay down my life for theirs without thinking about it, and watching them develop and grow is incredible.

That being said, I find being a parent hard. The constant worry, housework, laundry, repeating myself, the squabbling, their constant need for mama, being on call 24/7, the whirring risk assessment running in my brain as to which child is going to hurt themselves/destroy something first, feeding, nappies, the crying when they’re tired but won’t go to sleep, it just doesn’t stop. Admittedly, the DTs are nearly 3 so I’m sure it’ll ease off as they get older, but the worry will never end, it’ll just change and probably get worse as they get older!

I wouldn’t change it for the world, and if I could magically go back and make the decision again about whether to have children or not, I absolutely would do. They’re the best thing I’ve done with my life and I feel like the luckiest woman alive to be their mother. I’d feel even luckier if both were asleep but I can hear one of them laughing

It's the constant worry that gets me 😔.

Having a child is a responsibility, it is inescapable responsibility and sometimes it's hard. It doesn't go away and being a parent is probably who you are first and foremost after your child is born - everything else is less important.

I don't think it is miserable at all. I wouldn't change it for all the money in the world. That doesn't mean I don't get annoyed or want a break sometimes.

I didn't know how much my parents loved me until I had a child of my own and could feel the same way about someone else.

I probably look pretty haggard and miserable right now due to the months of sleep deprivation. It’s true that’s having a baby drops a bomb on your life and relationship and it takes awhile to find yourself again.

But the love I feel for my baby is indescribable and at times overwhelming. She is the best thing in my life.

Not better or worse just different. It's like starting a whole new life from scratch. I wouldn't change it but it's been considerably more difficult than I expected. My pregnancy was complicated my son needed surgery before he was born and when he was five months old. As a result he was an incredibly fussy baby and for a full year he cried anything from 4 to 10 hours every day. My mother died suddenly when he was 15 months old and trying to manage grief while raising a child is tough. My partner is incredibly supportive and that makes everything much easier. My son is two now and much more settled. It's still hard especially in lockdown but I love seeing him grow and change.

No one wants to post "help my baby wakes every 90 minutes" and have a load of responses saying "it's great, what a blessing" do they? People are here looking for support, advice and some solidarity.

I love my children and being their mum, I'm just not particularly enthralled with the amount of washing, food prep, cleaning, wiping bums, dealing with tantrums and bag/scooter/bike carrying that comes with it.

Well I mean apart from every parent tell everyone constantly I have no idea!

Everyone's own experience is unique to them, though, isn't it. You can tell others about your experience - it doesn't mean others will have a repeat, mirror image experience of your own. For example, who could have predicted my PND???

Intensive babysitting!

@glassacorn

Babysitting other people's children is not an accurate reflection of becoming a parent yourself. It's so far removed from the psychological and emotional impact of being a parent to your own child. The pressure and responsibility that comes with - babysitting doesn't come close to giving someone insight to what this feels like.

I think i was naive and had no idea of the reality of parenting, otherwise i dont think i would have bothered, or at the very least left it til later.

Your OP made me laugh, I remember wondering the exact same thing!

When I met DH and started spending time with DSS I remember being absolutely blown away by how much fun it all was. People always talk of love and fulfilment and hard work, and those are all true of course, it they’re also bloody good fun, amazing company and a chance to regress a bit yourself.

Then I thought, perhaps this is just step parenting, and was quite afraid to have DC in case it didn’t match up. I actually went to bed and cried when I fell pregnant (accidentally) with DS as I was convinced it was going to be a big mistake. Couldn’t have been more wrong. Best accident ever! Went on to get pregnant again when he was just 9 months old. They are 10 and 12 now (and DSS is all grown up!)

Yes, all the hard bits are true at one point or another, but mostly they are fun, excellent company and bring great joy.

@Plussizejumpsuit
@glassacorn

You are both making the point that hearing others' experiences and looking after others people's kids give you insight to the challenges of being a parent to your own. It absolutely does not, not fully. It may give you some idea of the practical reality, through the window or a snapshot anecdote of someone else's life.
It doesn't tell you about the emotional and psychological reality for you - which is so deeply personal, and something you can only know truly after your baby is born and your relationships with your own child develops.

[quote BringPizza]@Sausagessizzling there are some lovely memories, and mostly they're ok to be around but they don't give me any sense of fulfilment and I genuinely get nothing from parenthood. Honestly, in my own case I think I'm just emotionally withdrawn and too independent, I hate people needing me, I hate being controlled.[/quote]
I don't get fulfilment from my children either and I also find the constant being needed something I cope with easily. But then I also really resent this idea that my children are supposed to complete me. I love them and enjoy having them in my life but I'm always a bit surprised when people define themselves as a mother first because I just don't. I define myself as a woman, as a professional etc and mother comes a bit further down the line. I think this suggestion that being a parent should be practically all you need, particularly for women, is deeply deeply damaging.

It would be weird to post loads of threads about how wonderful being a parent is. People tend to share their challenges on MN OP.

Why don't you start a thread asking people to share the good things?

In fact if you search the archives there are probably a few already.

I love being a parent. I love my kids more than anyone. I love the joy they bring. I love watching them develop, learn & grow. I love the way they make their grandparents so happy. There are challenges & I'm knackered at the moment. But they bring so much love and meaning to our lives. I wouldn't swap them for the world.

Bit of a mix, I'd say:

• people post or speak when they're having a rough time and need help

• incidents, like tantrums, give you more to talk about than just a general feeling of things ticking along nicely

• other people don't want to seem unsupportive or rude by disagreeing with someone who's struggling (like if one teen goes off on a rant about how they worry about the maths exam, even very confident students will chime in to be polite: you need poor social awareness or genuine arrogance to be the one that says "I'm finding it really easy")

• there is a bit of a fashion to moan about children

• it's also a cultural thing (which I struggle a bit with as an immigrant): you are almost expected to say that you dislike children in general, that you can't stand other people's children, that nobody wants to be around other people's children and that babies are boring. I hadn't come across that one before and it's taken me a while to get used to it.

we're in a pandemic

For the record, I did not find my babies boring, but there were many occasions when I would have found it rude to say so, because it seemed unsupportive of everybody else in the room.

There were hard days, but then I've had hard days to do with work and hard days to do with friendships.

@corythatwas I agree with all that, and especially on the cultural thing. Also the system here is not family friendly compared to some other countries (when it comes to parental leave, maternity allowance, childcare options etc.)
It makes parenting harder than it should be.

Tbf you can't bang on to everyone about how great it all is all the time because you sound like a smug twat then and everyone gets sick of it.

This is true, but that's the part I don't like, I love hearing about others peoples good stories, seeing how proud they are of their kids when they talk and tell me about all their achievements, I never once walk away thinking they are smug, I think it's lovely. And yes you have to respect others may be struggling but talking about good, positive things should not always be translated as smug, although sadly I hear a lot of the time it is.

There's any variables which affect your experience too.

If you have..

Healthy, nt, reasonably good natured, compliant children.

A supportive partner

Family support

Money

If you have all these things,it will be a breeze.

Only a couple...you'll manage.

None of them... you're in for a rough ride.

I would totally agree with if it was changed to "it is more likely to be a breeze" and "you are more likely to manage" as obviously some still struggle if they have all of this but yes if you have non of those things,I think a rough ride is definitely in store.