A Question for all those out there with an only child.............

[becaroo]

I was wondering if any of you who have only children have had any regrets about not having any more???

Or, have any of you gone on to have another child and regretted it??

As a mother of an only 4 year old ds myself, I am at the stage where I am very unsure about having another child (tbh I dont think I could cope, bith physically and mentally) and yet I feel that I am in some way "condemning" my ds to a lonely life....any thoughts?

i have a 5 year old only.I don't regret not having anymore,because,up to now,i have been happy with DD and would not have enjoyed/coped with another either.Now trying for number 2,but not successful so far.Number 2 may never happen.just grateful we have at least one.was in turmoil over decision myself,for years,the conclusion...put myself and DH first,do we really want another?.answer in end was yes.there's too many factors that may affect how sibs get on anyway,so can't rely on them in later life.me and DH are happy,not lonely onlies.DON'T let others put pressure on you either.lonely onlies are more of a myth than a certainty.it's the quality of parenting that counts in our opinion and the insight and commitment to provide onlies with the same opportunities as those with sibs.
hope that helps.

Bec, anecdotal evidence does not suggest that children without siblings go forth into the world with any disadvantage, socially or emotionally.

That said, I think it is important that some family peer group is close at hand. Does ds have cousins at this stage? If so, they can become as close as siblings .. but without the rivalry!!

DD is 5yo.

I'd love another child. At present I am physcially unable. I had problems when TTC for DD (about 2.5yo of TTC in all), and then my c section left me with adhesions (Asherman's Syndrome) that has left me infertile for now. Currently having treatment for it, no idea of it will result in increaded fertility yet.

However, if I don't have another child I just know DD will be fine. She is a happy well adjusted little girl. She is very social, she knows how to share, she loves other children, etc. We have always made sure she spends a lot of time with other children and she has lots of friends.

Yes, sometimes I worry about it. Maybe having a sibling would be great. Not necessarily for now as such as age gap would be so big now, but for the future.

But then even having siblings doesn't guaantee anything, not as children and not as adults. There are plenty of siblings who just don't get on, so no guaraantees there either.

I just enjoy what I have now, and I am ttuely grateful for my little girl. I can offer her everything right now, and nothing is halved or shared. We are careful in trying to ensure she isn'tspoilt entirely and doesn't expect things, etc.

Well I have an only DS, and I now tend to say that I 'would have' liked another one. I am nearly 43, DS dad doesn't live with us (but is a great dad, pays towards DS upkeep, sees him at least twice a week etc, we're just not a couple and never will be). I'm not going to have another because of:

The greater risks of problems at my age - which is not to denigrate in any way any SN kids or anyone who has them: when I was pregnant with DS I was quite determined to deal with whatever he turned out to be like, but now I have DS I'd be worried about giving him a sibling with SN...

COuldn't cope financially with getting pregnant and having a newborn again

If I got PG by someone other than DS dad, what kind of dad would the hypothetical man be, and what would that do to the current family dynamic?

I'm not entirely sure I could love another child as much: DS is a lovely easy child and what if a subsequent one was a little sh*t?

DS is a sociable child who goes to nursery 2 days a week and different M&T groups 3 times a week. He has a couple of older cousins who he doesn't see very often because they live miles away, but he also has a couple of 'special' friends around his own age, who are the DC of close friends of mine. I don't think he's going to suffer from being an only.

I have a nearly 4 yr old ds. I would love another one, but I know what you mean about not being sure of coping. The baby bit is so far behind us and the future is kind of interesting.
Having said that, we are trying for another (ivf, though) and should it not happen, I think we have more or less decided ds will be an only child. I'm not happy about that, but I don't think much of it is worry about him being an only child, iyswim.

Hi becaroo, we had ds earlier this year (now 9 months old) and we feel our family is now comlplete - it was a hard pregnancy birth and post partum and I am not sure I could do it all again but that aside we feel so happy now with ds I don't feel that pull for more. I know alot of my nct group are already thinking of no.2 but I don't I sort of just know. I think you must follow your instints - I personally don't think ds will lose out as he has cousins very close to his age and we go to lots of groups together.

Pruners - I'm in a pretty similar situation - we are probably starting treatment for no 2 in the next few months (ds was IVF and I cannot get preg naturally). I adore ds but I do not feel totally sure I want another - I don't mind either way - and am really curious about whether you've found it hard to deal with the treatment given you aren't 100% keen on having another? I guess I'm a bit worried about all that - how will I motivate myself to inject etc when really I'm not so sure I even want another! Would really be interested to hear how this is for you.

As an only child myself it did not bother me in the slightest when I was little that I had no siblings - I did have cousins that I met with most weekends though.

Strangely it bothers me now that I'm an adult that I don't have siblings. When major family events happen, illness/death, separation etc that I have felt the desire to have someone close to share it with.

Having said that my husband has a brother who he never speaks to on the phone and meets with once a year if lucky!

Hi boo64
I have found it pretty easy! I do want another, really, I've just been disappointed so many times (negative cycles) that it's hard to get jazzed up about it - but 'it' is the treatment, not the outcome.
I am just slowly coming to terms with the idea of not having another and as far as I see it affecting ds, I'm kind of sad, but fine. As far as it's affecting me - that's a different matter. We've put off a lot, spent a lot of money, had a lot of hopes come to nothing - it's taken its toll on me emotionally.
I think once you get going on the injecting etc, it'll be fine. Fingers crossed for you. xx

I have one and I am very happy to only have one
I am quite certain that I won't be doing this again
I adore my ds. Sometime it's very hard but more often a joy
I was an only child and don't see anyting wrong with being an only child
There are positives and negatives to being and only and for those with siblings
My dh and I are happy
We talk about it often (and I have started many threads asking why people have chosen to have more than one)
I have concluded that I am very motherly and yet not very maternal
I do mourn the fact that I will never breastfeed again though - think that's the only thing I do feel quite sad about though

Pruners - good luck to you too. I agree the thought of starting is sort of worse than actually doing it!
I just wish it was as simple as having a shag!!

siblings are important for children, adults, the elderly.
as a child, they play together, fight together, learn all sorts of social interactions togther.
as adults, they are someone who can be a postive influence on our lives, a negative one, but never ever a blank.
sibilngs provide us with neices nephews who can be a joy, or a burden. but only a blank if we so choose.
as elderly people, specially those who havent had children of their own, it is their sibings children adn grandchildren who will be visiting them in their old age homes.

having the first child is much harder than the second. even with a big age gap, the second is simply much much easier.

also, this is not a nice thing to think about, but anecdotal evidence has suggested that the loss of a child is apparently easier to bear when the parent has another child they need to care for, even adult children. the other chidlren will never replace the lost child of course, but it forces the parent to deal with the loss, in what has been suggested to me as a better way.

try to find the energ within yourself to provide your child witha sibling.

having said all that, a happy healthy home environment is more important than any number of siblings

I have one child and I think he is a blessing. Prehaps it would be nice if he had siblings, but then we don't always get everything we want in life. Life is what you make of it and there is no point in blaming your parents for not having a sibling.

I had a horrible pregnancy, postnatal depression and then my son had developmental problems. I haven't yet had the courage to have no. 2 however I am still young and I have plenty of time.

If I get pregnant again I have to think about the affects on my son of having a very ill mother.

I think it depends on how highly you rate family relationships. I have a friend who is an only child of only children. Both his parents are now dead, he has no brothers or sisters, no cousins and no aunts or uncles. I feel sorry for him.

i am one of four and i love it, dh is an only child and he loves that. it's no coincidence, i think, that he chose me so that he gets all of the adult sibling stuff (he's a good friend of my sister's and her partner now) and still gets to have nieces and nephews etc.
he just laughs when people sympathise with his 'singleton' status, he can't believe that people think it's a situation set in stone. we all find family in different ways, i think. good luck with the IVF, Pruners and more children to those that want them.

always thought i would have more than one but was 31 when i had dd, now 3 1/2, but am glad now i have only one, because its bloody hard work and i am to old and knackered to do it all again

One kid, no regrets. She's not lonely, she has us, lots of friends and her dog.

We might have had more if we'd started earlier and I hadn't found I had PCOS but we're happy with what we've got. And so is DD.

lonley life is rubbish - an exactly what i thought when i was young and extremely stupid and decided to have ONE more - i ended upw ith twins. of course i love all my children - would die for them etc

however

1 child = more money
less hassle - think logistically - work, home , parents evenings, after school classes,

1 child inherits your estate when you die - it isnt divided in to fairly worthless chunks that might just get two or three children a start int he housing market.

i would suggest 1 child would allow you the freedom to have your own life whilst spending a large proportion more time than those of us with multiples.

primarily for me the issue is money.

think university who pays

first car - who pays
driving lessons - who pays

children - yeah so nice cute blah de blah de puke - that lasts for 10 years At MOST

say you are mid twenties. by the time you have a ten yr old - your mid thirties - no more cuteness - teenage years loom - and believe you me they will be there fr the rest of their lives - always there. always.

so dont even think that when they hit 18 that they fuck off get a job and thats it - cos its not. think long term. 10 years - then a possible 50 years of un cuteness expense.

I'm an only child and I think its fantastic. I was never lonley in fact I loved having space and time to think. now I have a dd of my owm with no intention of having any more because of the amount of time and attention I can give her. That said my DP does have 5 other children 3 of whom live with us(14 + twins 10). The fighting and bickering that go on is beyond me! BUT they do love each other (my dd included) and will always be there for each other which is something I never had as an only child. And the make great baby sitters

We only intended to have one child (well actually never intended to have any, but that's another story!). We had dd, now 11, very late, and adored having her as an only child for nearly 5 years. Then, not sure why, we decided to try for another - and ds, now 6 was the result. I had all the doubts - will I have the energy,the patience, will I love another one, will dd be upset, why change something that's so nice etc etc. I can honestly say it's the best decision we ever made. It is a completely different proposition having two - they adore each other (which helps) and watching them interact is amazing. I think - and this is about me, not anyone else - that the relationship I had with dd was too intense on both sides - having a sibling has taken the pressure off her. The first time she said "we" and I realized she meant her and her brother rather than her and me was a wonderful, if poignant, moment!

I find the money arguments a bit sad - can't imagine planning a family based on how much they will inherit when I snuff it! Sort of hoping to live long enough to see them established in careers - or at least doing what makes them happy - which I hope will include earning enough so that they can make their own way.

I am an only child. My DD is 5 and I am now 7 months PG with a second child. I have chosen to have this baby and I don't have a partner. Why? Primarily for me if I'm honest. I just adore my DD to pieces and I want more please! As an only child myself I had no doubts that DD would have a perfectly nice life, and would have got more attention from me too. I never felt particularly lonely growing up (although I did read loads). But I'm also sure DD will love having a little sister so have no doubts about the choice I've made.
I don't think you should beat yourself if you decide to stay with only one - that one will be enormously loved and IMO a little spoiling is OK too. Have another because YOU want to.

On reading through this thread it seems that many of us change our minds about only having one child when the first one reaches 4/5 years old. This seems to be the "crunch" time and happened to us too. For me I just felt that dd1 was going to be lonely, not so much in childhood but in later life. I am an only child and now wish that I had brothers/sisters. I also agree with a point seeker made that the parent/only child relationship can, in some cases, be too intense. I felt this with my own mother - I sometimes felt under so much pressure to be the perfect daughter!

I'm an only child. As a child it didn't bother me, I had lots of cousins and friends nearby. However, as an adult the pressure of expectation from my parents has been utterly crushing. Especially now I've got my dd's I find my parents clinginess stifling, I really really wish i had siblings to share the load.

I know most of this is down to my nutty parents rather than the only child status but it hasn't helped. I knew I definitely didn't want an only child, I fear turning into my Mum, so I've got 2 dds.

Just don't be nutty - your ds'll be fine