A Question for all those out there with an only child.............

[becaroo]

I was wondering if any of you who have only children have had any regrets about not having any more???

Or, have any of you gone on to have another child and regretted it??

As a mother of an only 4 year old ds myself, I am at the stage where I am very unsure about having another child (tbh I dont think I could cope, bith physically and mentally) and yet I feel that I am in some way "condemning" my ds to a lonely life....any thoughts?

[twinsetandpearls]

I only have one for lots of reason mainly

1. I had very bad PND with dd and I cannot risk it happening again.
   
2. I have found being a mother very hard - mainly because of my depression and I would not want to inflict myself on another child
   
3. I divorced just after dd was born and dp and I are only just now in a position to have another which would mean dd would be 7 when another child came along meaning they would not be playmates anyway so we would have 2 only children
   
4. I was a SAHM for nearly five years and feel this has helped give dd a fantastic start to life, I would want to be able to give another child that same start but I don;t think I could make those scarifices again. Dp has said though that he would be a stay at home parent.
   
5. Having been left a single parent once and going through the worst period of my life ever I don;t think I could ever trust a man again to have his child.
   
6. Financially it would be very difficult, at present we have a good standard of living and that would go if we had any more.
   
   I do sometimes get periods of intense broodiness but I know they don;t last, I miscarried earlier in the year and as evil as it sounds there was an element of relief as well as loss.
   
   It can be hard being a parent to an only child, dd is demanding and we need to be a constant playmate but because of that we are a very close family. Dd does not appear to be a lonely child, she has a half brother and we have made an effort to create a home which is welcoming to her friends so that there are constantly children coming in and out.
   
   Sometimes I feel guilty, expecially for dp as he has not children of his own but I know he loves dd as his own as we have been together since she was a baby.

[butterscotch]

My DD is now 4.5months too early for me to seriously think about it. I had complications (mild) in pregnancy and was constantly stressed about it all (hated being pregnant as well) and I had a horrid labour and birth experience. Not sure I could go through it again .

However money is an issue we couldn't afford childcare/nursery for two and we live in a small 2 bed house we really want to move. I am now 32 and realistically we can't afford the mortgage if I didn't go back to work so all factors considered we would have to wait till DD goes to school and childcare costs drop down, hopefully by then we will be able to afford a bigger home. DH would love another one, but I think if we have moved and suddenly DD is at school and we have more money we might think sod it we can afford more now. also my friend who has one ds who is now 6 went to legoland and for tickets for the three of them and B&B it was £250 finances are definatly a factor for us. We want to give DD as many opportunities in life as possible. Very thought provoking posts.

Good luck to all those TTC.

[happyathome]

bamamama-yes exhausting,to the point where iv'e nearly gone to the doctors with stress related symptoms...this cannot go on!...hope you get your army into position and fire away!!! on those conflicting thoughts.
you don't seem any nearer Becaroo .
don't know if it helps,but 35 is young!.
MIL 40 when she had DH.My cousin 36 with 1st
baby.My friend,also 40,had her only child.
All were well.No complications.
You sound like me,to be honest.you have got an interest in having another,there is just a lot of fear in your way.
Watched Barbie in Swan Lake with DD.Motto was...your'e braver than you think you are.
wish i could believe that...it's true though,all great achievements and learning come from going beyond your comfort zone.guess we just want to avoid all the discomfort hey?!.
BTW Barbie only made it though because she was pressured into dangerous things and had lots of support,reassurance and help...
know it's only a fairytale,but it really mirrors real life.I actually think if i got more reassuance from everyone,mainly my DH and mum,think i would go ahead more willingly/bravely.just feel so alone and visualise a scene where life is as it is now,but more tiring because of the extra chores,stress of juggling and meeting two people's needs and lack of sleep and DD suffering as a consequence.No guarantee that DH will be around anymore than he is now(which isn't much).He just told me tonight he has given provisional notice of resignment,to happen in Febuary.He plans on working from home and has things in the pipeline,but i can't feel reassured until it happens and even then we'll have to see if it pays off.
anyone else identify with that..feeling like they need a lot more help/support if they are to have two?.
maternal feelings switched off again this month(how irritating)...not sure why.
suppose because marraige been a bit unispirational and know deep down another kid might just shatter the bit that's left.
it's so tough.glad to read all the positive only threads again.thanks everyone.
i feel really stressed,as it's almost ovulation time again,like an internal pressure to do something.decision time again.
do you get that?.
sometimes i just want to yell...LEAVE ME ALONE!,to the stupid voice!.
sorry,not a very helpful post,just thought if anyone identified with me,they might feel some relief,like i've got from the thread.
hopefully bumped it again too for you.

[becaroo]

bamamama...I can totally realte to your post...I wish someone could make the decision for me (either way).

Posting this OP has raised a lot of issues for me and I have talked things over with my dh. Bottom line is I think we might try for another...and see what happens.

Thank you so much to all those who have posted...as usual there have been some very touching, honest and above all supportive posts.

Good luck to all of us who are struggling with this issue...whatever we decide xx

[becaroo]

happyathome...just reread your post.

You are quite right, I do have a lot of fear and that is what is holding me back I think.

Ds was a very poorly baby - the first 6 months of his life were incredibly stressful and awful and of course there is no reason why I should lucky next time round (ds is now fine btw )

I hated being pregnant, although the birth itself was easy, it was afterwards that things fell apart. My ds and I did not get very good care - ds was discharged from hospital despite not feeding, being janudiced and only weighing 4lbs 8oz, I was dicharged with a womb infection and the support from midwives and HV just wasnt there (m/w was a student I later found out and got moved to another job because of so many complaints and we had 3 HV due to shortages and non of them were any good or seemed to care) End result, I got bad PND (surprise surprise)

The thought of knowingly putting myself, dh and of course now ds through that again makes me think I am a mad woman, but then I think of all the joy ds has brought into my life...he is my reason for being.

Perhaps it is time for a leap of faith.....?

[DrNortherner]

I have an only ds who is 5, he is happy, confident and sociable and I'd like to pretend it doesn't bother me taht he is an only, but it does. I look at other families all the time, I study how many kis they've got and the age differences etc. I am 31 so know I have time to have another but then I worry about a big age gap, I am an only child too so am well aware of the stiffling relationships onlies can have with parents (I have it with my Mother) and sometimes am aware of dh and I idolising and worshipping our ds just a little too much (if that is posible)

If I'm honest the decision of having a second haunts me. Shall I? Shan't I?

Tbh, I don't think not having siblings is of any detriemnt to kids at all, but I can't shake this feeling.

[happyathome]

sorry it was so bad for you Becaroo.i'm glad you're getting nearer to deciding.Your last 2 sentences put a spring in my step.Like you say,despite the hard bits,my DD fullfills me so much,but like you Dr,i fear i could be stifling her too much at times and fear that as she gets older,i will be gripping on and strangling her independence.you think you will manage with your view your only will be ok,but i guess it's our bad memories of being onlies that are haunting us...we pretend everything was ok as an only,but no familial status is ideal and i will admit that.Mind you,don't suppose living in a larger family is ideal either,but as onlies,we look over the fence,to what we think is the greener side.
what we may do is definately unknown territory and as you say Becaroo,a leap of faith.
I just wish i had that overpowering wanting for a child,that always overcomes all obstacles and assumes the 'prize' is worth all the suffering.That 'i'm not giving up' attitude,which i don't seem to have right now..
I'm not actually TTC yet this month!.Think logistics of 2 has put me off lately...especially thought of trying to help DD with homework with a baby in tow and
the rush to get to school everyday.Quite honestly,don't fancy having to juggle a baby into it,especially later,when 1 has to be dropped off at a pre-school,the other at school argggh!.
Sometimes think i romanticize the notion of life with two.Think it will be a whole new adventure,but realistically,suppose it's only a truly new adventure with first and second would be same daily routine,but with added chores and tiredness and another to clean up after and negotiate with.Mind you,you've got all the extra smiles,cuddles,milestones to watch in awe.Someone else who needs you.Someone who needs your first child.You're not just adding people,but a complex web of relationships to the family,which is a nice idea.
Anyway,i'll go,cause,i'm probably confusing you again Becaroo,sorry.
Anyway,your sense of incompleteness says it all.You know,i'm starting to think that is the only valid reason left.Can't argue with that.TBH,i do feel complete most of the time.Am happy with what i've got.Maybe that's why i'm focusing too much on the negatives.I really see that as a 3 we stay closer,or if DH has his craving alone time head on,then it ends up me doing ALL the caring/parenting.Now if that was 2 kids,he'd go off with one,so we'd be more seperate,or he'd still go off alone and i'd be ripping my hair out with 2 demanding my attention.
blah,blah,blah.oh why am i ranting on tonight?!.
good luck Becaroo-have courage,because i think 'completing' the family you want,is right.too many other if's and but's.

[bamamama]

DrNorthener I can really relate to the idea that there is a feeling of unease about the whole one child scenario that you can't shake. I'm at the point where if I see a family with a single older child (10 plus say) I want to go and ask them if they regret this. I too study family sizes - this really can't be good! What I really need is a fast forward to both futures so I can see which one is best! I'm 36 now and also embarking on a change of career so I really feel my time is running out. This feels like a really responsible adult type of decision (like to have a child in the first place wasn't ) and I just don't feel up to it. Part of me also feels that if I do decide that one is enough am I saying that I'm not really up to this mothering lark and that I'm too selfish to have another? Sorry for long and waffly post but this subject is very close to my heart at the moment.
OTH, if you read the '2 under 2' thread having only one does seem quite appealing!

[mezzer]

Coming in at the end of a lengthy discussion to add my two cents. This has been a really interesting thread. I'm dealing with some of the same questions. Dd is not quite two and I'm 30 so I still have time but I can't stop thinking about it. My body DEFINITELY wants another. A large part of my brain does too. BUT, the logistics, the finances and the pure exhaustion scare me off. I also worry about my not-so-fabulous relationship with dh. At the end of the day, I think I want another child but can't imagine doing so with my current husband. Not a good sign for our marriage, huh? .
But, truly, I fret over the conflict between having just one and being able to give her lots of attention, etc and having two so that she has a sibling and perhaps doesn't get too much of my attention. It's a hard call. In the end, there is not right answer.

[NoviceKnitter]

Sorry havent read whole thread - i'm an only child and didn't miss siblings - i've always had very very strong friendships which filled the "gap". my mum was on her own and so we had a very good strong relationship - quite intense i suppose. When she died tho it was a lot for me to cope with alone and it's made me think alot about how bigger families help spread the load in all kinds of ways.

i once had a bf who was an only child but had two parents and said he always felt like it was two against one. but i think they were pushy and uptight - more about them than fact that he was only child.

Now i have dd i know i want siblings for her but i also feel a bit sad and confused about how that might make our relationship different from the one i had.

bottom line is, i believ any family number is ok - healh and happiness are about other things than numbers.

[Elibean]

Becaroo '35 isn't too old then?'

I had dd1 at 43, and was 45 when I got pg with dd2 - I am probably one of the oldest Mums on Mumsnet, so not really in a position to give you an average perspective, but 35? No way too old!

This is a very poignant thread for me, I agonized for ages about ttc #2 - and had lots of good reasons not to, mostly age, age, and age, but also that I knew I'd have some postpartum bp issues again, which was scary. Once you have one LO, putting your health at risk is very different...I had to get several medical opinions before I felt brave enough to try.

FWIW, I never had a clear cut yes/no over this. I got to a place where I felt at peace whichever way it went - more or less - knowing I'd grieve some aspects of having an only, but be mightily relieved at others. And I also knew that having another would give me a mix of joys and stress - which it certainly has! I agree with all posters who've said there are pros and cons either way...not to mention as many individual 'rights' and 'wrongs' as there are posters.

Just wanted to wish you the best with your choices, and with Pruners and anyone else struggling to TTC luck and stamina (years of IF, m/c, and IVF here). Your ds will be fine either way - he'll just have different issues to deal with, but IMO what really counts is the way he learns to deal with them

[Elibean]

That would be 'to Pruners and anyone else etc' as opposed to 'with'

[becaroo]

I think the overwhelming message from this thread is that any size family is fine, but that most of us agonise over the 1 or 2 children question, which is really comforting as I thought I was the only one

Elibean...your thread gives me hope!!! I think turning 35 has precipitated some sort of mid life crisis..I looked in the mirror the other day (which I try to avoid doing whenever possible!) and thought "who the hell did that to my face!!" Gravity is not my friend!!

Bamamama...totally know what you mean re: adult decisions..I may look 90 but mentally I am still 17!

Happyathome...I think the feelings of terror about having another are fairly normal. Have you discussed things with you dh? I found it really helped...

[happyathome]

more great posts.thanks.it's helping me a lot as well as Becaroo.
mezzer-same here.sometimes i feel that my marriage has 'died' to some extent.hard to even get conversation out of DH half the time.he is so slow and inefficient that i end up multitasking like a bat out of hell,to get things at least running smoothly. most of childcare left to me.i am very bored with his company these days and end up mumsnetting,my tv programs,housework or reading to stop myself turning into a zombie.all that said,i know i would miss him if he was away all week for example,and if i ask him to help,he will.he still has his qualities and i do remember why i married him.overall i know i love him.that's the main thing.were just going to have to make more effort to connect.
i also worry that my DD will be badly lacking in attention if i have another.

novice-i am an only very close to my mum and dad too and want that for me and DD.funny isn't it,how siblinged people feel uneasy if they stick to one because they are nostalgic about sibling relationships and we are the opposite.as someone said,we will mourn the good things about having an only.

ELIBEAN-love your outlook.your'e right ,the important thing is health,happiness and the strategies that your child has for dealing with their own circumstances!.

becaroo-we have talked on and off for years about another,but DH doesn't help.he just said a long time ago that 3 didn't feel complete(he's an only!).since then all he says is that he's happy to go along with my decision and would be happy if another happened.he was aslo a bit dissapointed that i wasn't pregnant last month.at that time though,he thought he was about 60% happy that it was negative and 40% dissapointed.i was too.looks like we might be heading for that 'accepting attitude' where we will be happy either way.however,up until last night,i was well anti second kid.told DH we were like an old married couple and it wasn't good.then,just like that,in the middle of the night,we woke up,and i got the urge to make love.at first i was really hesitant and thought,no i couldn't go ahead with it anymore,i didn't want the two week wait again e.t.c ,then,bam i just let nature take over.wasn't sure it was right thing after,but did feel less tense and like i was 'back on track' if that makes any sense.
think that feeling of sharing love and creating more love through it and more family/love around me is going to be the clincher.i do fear for DD,that she will have no family whatsover when we are gone.i too will only have DH and DD in the distant future and it does make me sad at times.suppose it makes my marriage more precious.i must not lose it!
just keep hearing religious saying in my head all the time...any decision that is based on love,is the right decision.
i think i am committed to a decision now...that i am going to let nature make the decision .after all,i think a lot of stress in life comes from thinking we have control over everything and it seems such a shame that we are using all our energy and time,trying to control it,when like everyone else says,you won't be able to control the outcome.not only that,but when you do finally decide,yes,then you can't get pregnant,you feel cheated out of 'progress' and that you feel youv'e wasted all that time 'deciding',when the decision was never really yours anyway.
think it's taken me a while to accept that i can't have everything and i will have to let some good things about singleton parenting go.the pros and cons,constantly keep overtaking each other,in a vicious circle.
the main decider is that i feel i can't get on with my life.i think about it everyday.every spare moment.i may keep my easy routine e.t.c.,but i have to live with constant mental anguish and what if's.if someone asked me,what if i'd have done this and that,i would have thought..you should have just tried it.life is too short to mess about.i always think 33 years old seems like my 'cruncher',because we just don't know what's around the corner do we?!.i think we regret postponing things in life more than anything...then we don't get a second opportunity.only if i don't conceive,will i be able to relax,because i'll think...fair enough,it's not meant to be then!.i am not committed enough to do IVF e.t.c.
i'm still getting the feeling that i can't go back to contraception,it doesn't feel right,feel like i am 'blocking opportunity' in my life.i know the question will torment me for another month.
i just want to focus on positive things now,like getting fitter,improving my pmt!,learning to relax more(it's not the baby that would create a problem,but my anxiety over everything!),getting the house tidier and learning better habits,improving my marriage...all this will hopefully give me a better sense of coping,if i do happen to find myself pregnant.

PHEWWW!...hope my post gives some inspiration to someone and some 'peace'....actually that's all i want for Xmas..who knows,i could be 9 weeks pregnant by then
good luck becaroo and thanks for listening and the tip about talking...i do need to talk more to him on the whole i must admit!.
keep us posted please with your 'progress'.would love to see how everyone's dilemas panns out.

[DarthVader]

bamamama when you say "I'm at the point where if I see a family with a single older child (10 plus say) I want to go and ask them if they regret this"

Surely you wouldn't really think about doing that, would you? I would find that an outrageous and shocking thing for anyone to say to me, pretty much as offensive as you could get.

[bamamama]

Darthvader - of course I wouldn't actually do this! As you say it would be shocking and offensive - I suppose I meant that when I see a family of three I would just like a bit of insight into how that works for them. (bama now slightly concerned she's looking like some mad family size stalker obsessive )

[becaroo]

bama...dont worry, you arent going mad Thinking about saying something and actully saying it are two different things...I often look at other families (especially those with more then 4 kids) and would LOVE to ask them questions about how their own family dynamic worked, but I never would, obviously.

Happyathome...you sound much more positive and thats great. Talking to my dh REALLY helped me, and I put it off for so long I wish I had done it much sooner.

Who knows...we may run into each other on the antenatal theads????

Good luck to you all xx

[DarthVader]

sorry

[happyathome]

so are you going to try then becaroo?.
i do feel a bit easier,but my hand/foot ezcema has gone wild lately and i'm thinking after one TTC session,better not use steroid cream...just hate having to 'watch' everything,just in case i do get pregnant...there i go again..worry,anxiety,worry,anxiety...
yes,we must get out all that stress,to survive the long journey...and i've not even started properly.
could do with even more threads to brainwash me...oh yes having two is the best thing in the world,don't know you've lived till you do e.t.c.
any more good news stories anybody?-
please don't come and tell me how 'easy' one is or i may bang my head on some brick wall with confusion and frustration.....and Darth,i may say that,but i'm not going to actually do it either

[becaroo]

Thinking about it....thinking of nothing else tbh

[sweetkitty]

My MIL is an only child (adopted) her family is very little, her Mum and Uncle died a few years ago then her last Aunt died this year, she doesn't keep in contact with her DH's family (he's dead as well) so she has very little family only a few cousins and us of course, I really feel for her as she says she envys big families especially when her Mum was ill she had to do everything for her.

[happyathome]

i'm finding it hard to 'want' another at the moment,because of the time of the year.just so busy with sorting DD's stuff and doing christmas presents early e.t.c....wouldn't be enough time to fit in baby care and still have the 'me' time that i do inbetween now.weekends are starting to fill up will school friends parties(glad really i don't have 2 lots of those!).
i have decided that when i get thoughts on having another,i'm going to keep a diary and then i can tot up the pros and cons easier.
e.g.:gets up in night..thought...oh i do love my bed,i'm sooooo glad i don't have to sort a baby out.
just tiny things really.suppose i'm analyzing my life in detail and trying to really listen whether i like it as it is,do i really want all that extra aggravation.on totting up recent thoughts,there is really no place for another baby at present.
i know it sounds selfish,but as we've all established,it has to be a selfish decision in the end,because i'd have to raise the child for 20+ years.
everyone else keeps saying about the negatives of having a small family/no family in the future and i do have concerns sometimes too,but it's so hard to make a decision now,based on what it may do for the future.there are so many variables about the future,that i just can't see it and find it pointless anymore to have 'visions' about it.all i know is how i feel now and how my family feels...as it is,we're ok!.
it feels like a decision you would make in millionaire quiz...2 answers to choose from.if you want to take the risk you may end up with a million,but you could also go ahead and choose the wrong one,and lose a what you already have .
it's just so hard,because i'm so negative at the moment.i can't see enough benefits in
having two right now .it's all about what stability/health/relationships i could lose.i can't focus on the future gains at all,and feel that it's too much stress and hassle to get a 'presumed' result.
of course the back of my mind keeps whispering...whatever happens,you would be 'enriching' yours and the family's life.another person to love.another close relationship to be had.it's about possibilities i suppose,instead of just shutting the door on the future/oportunities.
what weighs so heavily,is that i'm an only.i
can't see the joys of the 'other side'.never had it.don't miss it.don't see it as a neccessity in DD's life.more of an extra bonus.no personal experience of my extended family being supportive to me .
if i lived in a tribe,like the one on Tanna(tv if youv'e not seen it),think i'd have 10
and not doubt it!-they live together,families do not move away,mothers have daily support from family/friends,husbands seem to be around a bit more,they look after their elderly e.t.c...that would be a great enviroment to parent in,but our society...isolation and more isolation.some people may think in a society like ours,we should have more family for support as 'friends' are too busy with their lives e.t.c....families from what i've heard don't seem to be much better...they move far away,rarely speak or meet up and have jobs that take up much of their existance and don't leave much time for family togetherness....
sorry that was so depressing(i think i am a bit depressed just now),but i see it as the truth after many months reading threads debating these topics
that's why i see that onlies that are taught to be independant and enjoy their own company and to follow their own instincts on things are really the ones who may survive better in this society.self-reliance is a great thing in my view.
then again i say that,because i'm a lucky only,i've found a good husband and have a lovely DD and have a close relationship with my parents...guess what i'm saying is,we all need a certain amount of love each too to survive.think my parents instilled enough common sense in me and taught me self-respect and other values that i feel have helped me have a healthy relationship with husband.obviously takes two to tango.he has similar values,so we don't clash.it is a myth that all onlies are selfish,because i think we are very 'giving' towards each other and that's what keeps the respect in our marriage.
so my main fear is whether DD will find enough love as an adult when we are gone.but again,siblings don't always guarantee it either.
hope that helps,don't let it put you off though.if you disagree with
my post,maybe that means having more is right for you.
thanks for listening.good to get this rambling rot out of my head.prefer posting to writing a journal,because you also give other people food for thought and a different perspective on their own thinking/ideas.nice to know there are friendly/sympathetic/sharing ears out there

[HonoriaGlossop]

happy, that was a lovely post. I tell you what, it's just great that there are people out there who give this much thought to having children - really, I don't think you could make the wrong decision, because you've given it and are giving it so much thought.

Whatever you decide will be right for your family.

I do have a sibling, and as children we were very close indeed, so that was great and I know the positives of that. However as adults, though we love eachother, he lives abroad and we meet up about once a year if that; and that is focussed around our parents; would he come JUST for us...I can't honestly say I think he would TBH. If our parents needed care the burden would be on me because I'm here, ditto if they died and things needed organising. My mum is one of six and the burden of care for her dad came on her despite that....and she does not see her siblings much at all, despite lots of love being there.

Looking at me and my mum and in fact most people I know, partners, friends and children are the key relationships; not siblings.

So I totally agree with you; having another one is for YOU and for what YOU want your day to day family life to be like. Nothing else. Because there are no guarantees. Second pregancies are usually completely 'normal' but there are special needs/multiple births to be considered too; they really do happen! If that's ok and you'll take it all in the mix, great. But if you don't feel like that it's important to KNOW you don't!
x

[paddingtonbear1]

This is a really interesting thread, although I've not had time to read it all! I am an only child (not through choice on my mum's part), and atm have 1 dd, who is now 4. For financial reasons we couldn't think of having any more until she went to school. Now, dh is keen but I'm not sure I am! Financially things would still be hard, we have a large mortgage and no savings - I have to work but childcare costs would be crippling, plus maternity pay at my firm is the bare miniumum. I'm also nearly 40 so my age could be a problem.
Not sure dd would mind being an only, I didn't particularly as I didn't know any different. dh has a sister who he's close to, at times I feel bad thinking dd may never have a sibling.. and also, with the final decision in my hands, would dh resent me in the long term? He says not, but I wonder sometimes.