A Question for all those out there with an only child.............

[becaroo]

I was wondering if any of you who have only children have had any regrets about not having any more???

Or, have any of you gone on to have another child and regretted it??

As a mother of an only 4 year old ds myself, I am at the stage where I am very unsure about having another child (tbh I dont think I could cope, bith physically and mentally) and yet I feel that I am in some way "condemning" my ds to a lonely life....any thoughts?

[PrincessAfterLife]

another one here then, bluefox! I have a 4 yr old DS and feel that we should be getting on with deciding when to try for number 2.

We would love another child but the time has never been right for us so far. I am the main earner, we live far away from family, and if I don't get a full night's sleep these days I turn really evil . Quite honestly, right now I would prefer to not have another child than have another and not be able to afford to stop working to raise him or her for a couple of years like I did with DS. DH is keener to have another now that he has got in to being a mainly SAHD.

On the loneliness issue, I don't feel that DS is lonely. He goes to nursery every day and starts playing with random kids in parks or wherever without any shyness. He plays happily alone and gets plenty of attention from us. He's a very balanced kind child and I don't think he'd turn out a bad person for not having a sibling, if that's the way we end up.

[DeathByPruners]

Thanks Aitch (it really is surprisingly buoying when someone you don't know wishes you luck in something so, erm, blah) (vocabulary deserted me, it's early)

boo64, we get to do that as well, and no bother about contraception

[boo64]

Ha pruners that's true!

And actually we had a long phase of baby making sex before the IVF - timing it around ovulation etc and it was so miserable (and entirely pointless in terms of getting pg but we didn't know that at the time!)

There is another site especially for people going through IVF and other fertility treatment which I used and was a great source of support first time round - to be able to chat to people going through a cycle at the same time. I wonder though - does the whole treatment seem less daunting this time? (sorry to thread hijack a bit OP!)

This is a very useful thread to me - thank you to the OP and everyone who has posted, there are some really thought-provoking points!

[Theclosetpagansbesom]

I really wanted more children but infertility meant I only got one. I am fortunate to have him.

I've always seen my infertility as a bit of a cloud BUT this half term (his first since starting school) we have done lots of days out and for the first time I see a silver lining to my cloud. The cost of these days out has been expensive but thank goodness I only had one child to pay for. Don't know how parents with more than one do it.

[becaroo]

Thank you all for your messages....I adore my ds so much, but have only just gone back to work P/T and started a P/T OU degree and if I am honest, I am just being selfish..I wnat some of the old me back.

On the other hand, I was encouraged NOT to try for a baby because of my health problems and if I hadnt been a stubborn old moo I wouldnt now have my ds.....difficult isnt it?

I know some onlys who hated it and some who loved it. I am one of three and my dh has a sister and my ds has two cousins who he loves but I take your point about later life...someone to share the familial burden. (Although I have to say I am not that close to either of my siblings really)

I just wonder if I am physically, emotionally and mentally capable of doing it again???....Also I have just turned 35 so age is a factor for me.

[DeathByPruners]

becaroo - I really recognise that - wanting a bit of the old you back. It's finally happening and it's really good. OTOH I guess we all hope to have a longish life and perhaps a few years doesn't make a difference. I don't know.

boo64, I don't find it more daunting, but I'm on another site as well, just for ivf etc, and I know plenty of people do. I think it's really varied, our responses to it depend so much on eg how easy it was/has been, what it was like being pregnant, what the fertility problems are. I can tell you though that I find it all right, a bit of a bugger in some ways, but interesting in others.

[OverMyDeadBody]

Before I had kids I was adamant I would have more than one, for similar reasons mentioned here, but more, with a 4yr old DS, I know for definate than I don't want any more (how things change in reality ) I just don't want to do the whole baby/toddler/child thnig again with another.

I'm just reaching the point where DS can pretty much join in most of the things I do and I'm living my life the way I like it, lots of spontineity, lots of adventure, lots of activity, it's great. But I think a lot of it is only possible because there's only one of him (and one of me, being a single mum) but the dynamics would change with more, and I don't feel any need to change things.

I also have six siblings, we're all really close, every weekend is filled with lots of people, so don't worry about DS being lonely or having too much attention focussed on him.

Do what feels right to you, every family is different and that's a good thing. There isn't one ideal family type.

[DynamicNanny]

I was an only child until I was 6 - then a friend of my parents lost his parents and that was it - he was on his own, he was an only child of only children and didn't/wouldn't have a family network until he made his own.

Mum and dad then had my younger ssister and although we sometimes don't get on - I'm glad that she's here - I couldn't imagine the hurt/lonliness of being on my own should anything happen to my mum my dad passed away 2 years ago now.

If I forget the aunts and uncles that have deserted us since my fathers death I would say my family tree looks cold - theres me and my sister then up a stage is my mum, and then up a stage is my grandad (mum's dad)

It would have been a lonely existance without my sister and although I know that we won't be best friends for life I know that should anything happen to either of us we would cross mountains and rivers, and fly to the other side of the world to help each other.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

I'm in same position as happyathome & Pruners. Not having IVF but ttc ... but may be too late at 43.

Definitely want a second despite worries of being too old/too tired + potential birth defects. I'm one of four and I don't know how I would survive without my siblings. However the main reason is the personality of my dd (also 4 yrs). She's very sociable -a people person - she's starting to hate being an only child despite having lots of friends. There's no guarantee that she'd get on well with a sibling of course but there are no guarantees about anything in life really.

Also, Bluefox's post strikes a chord. My relationship with dd can at times be too intense. I'm not sure basking in the bright white heat of two adoring parents attention (grammmar all over the place today but ykwim) is good for a child's development.

Finally, all the things that OverMyDeadBody describes so well here:

"I'm just reaching the point where DS can pretty much join in most of the things I do and I'm living my life the way I like it, lots of spontineity, lots of adventure, lots of activity, it's great"

... actually make me feel that I want a second more strongly - NOT the other way around - because having one is relatively easy, and for me personally I feel that I am not living the life of a fully committed parent (although I am of course fully committed to dd) nor canI live the fully committed life of a childless person. I experience tantalising but unsatisfactory glimpses "over the wall" in to each world. Feel split between the two really. Not expressing this well, but I have an instinct that having a second would resolve this feeling. Very selfish of course...but the decision to have a child is ultimately a selfish one ...even if the experience of motherhood itself is not.

I don't know if so many conflicting views have helped you make a decision Becaroo but good luck with making it ....

[happyathome]

CountingTGH's-HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.I know exactly what you mean.I spend most days,houseworking or mumsnetting and like you say,feel lazy in a way that i haven't a baby/toddler to sort out,then off i go to pick DD up from school and i do feel fullfilled from then to bedtime,but then are glad to sit down and do nowt again(or mumsnet again).Housework alone is less stressful,but quite shallow,no child to have a laugh with inbetween e.t.c...as you said don't feel like a full parent anymore,but school times mean you can't go far anyway can you?!.I felt 'lost' as a baby/toddler parent and feel like me now,but that me is like the empty,unmotivated person i was pre-parent.I ask myself,if i just became more commited to NOT having anymore,couldn't i find something to focus on...but all i focus on is DD and anything related.Cannot be healthy!!Bet she grows up saying i'm an overbearing,nosy,controlling mother.

i am also an evil witch on less than 8 hrs thesedays
not sure the reality of two would match my rosetinted view though.am still yet to be convinced.
COUNTING-does your DD hanker after company a lot?.mine does like to play with just us and alone.wonder if it's because i have'nt exactly encouraged regular company...mind you i believe you get to be more independant if you spend time alone as an only,and you can enjoy your own company.sometimes think a lot of company would leave DD gagging for more the minute they've gone and make her notice the quietness of our house more,IYKWIM...my DD has just learned to enjoy company when she does get it.Still think she is social though and won't be as happy playing alone for as long as i did as a child.
good luck anyway to you and all.
hope you get your heart desires

[boo64]

Have had a discussion with dh and Becaroo just thought I'd freak you out by saying your thread may well have changed hte course of my life if all goes to plan because we're definitely going to try for no.2 (am quite freaked out that because it is IVF we'd end up with no3 concurrently but I guess 2 for the price of 1 is better than none...)

[boo64]

obviously not just because of your thread but it was real food for thought and clarified some stuff that I'd been pondering over for months!

[LucyCielo]

I am an only child and have never missed having siblings - however I am quite a shy person who has never been able to socialise very well. I have apparently been the same since I was very young so don't know if this would have always been my nature.

Before I had dd I always wanted a sibling for her but now she is 10 months I am beginning to reconsider. It is probably for selfish reasons but I don't think I would have the energy to start from scratch again! I have told dp I will think about it again after I turn 30 in 18 months so maybe I will have forgotten the hard work of a newborn by then.

[seeker]

Another anecdote. Yesterday my dcs were apart for the whole day (unusual for a Saturday chez seeker) - ds went to watch a football match with his dad then a party and dd went riding then to play with a friend. We all met back at home just in time for Strictly Come Dancing, and it was so nice to see them greeting each other as if they hadn't seen each other for weeks, then cuddling up like puppies on a beanbag to watch tv together! I really think if it's at all possible, then go for two - it is huge fun!

[kittywitch]

becaroo, I am an only child. My parents split when I was three.

I have always wished that I had siblings and have been deeply envious of those that do, that'll be nearly everybody then.

I would love to have sibs to share things with, moan about my mad mother to.

It makes me sad that my (many) children will have no aunties and uncles or cousins.

Only children are usually more self reliant but I think they find it harder to be part of a group and are often loners.

of course it's up to you if you have another child, but leave it much longer and the next baby would be like another only child because of the age difference

Any way I thought I'd share with you some of the downsides of not having sibs. I think it's definitely BETTER for children to have siblings.

[DeathByPruners]

Go Boo64!
(I know exactly what you mean about the twins thing...)

[onebadmother]

DS is 6, DD is 2.
4 was definitely the decider.. I think something about his body becoming that of a small man rather than a big baby.. but was very unsure until birth of dd.
Can'\t begin to express how much joy she's brought. Am cryign just writing about it.

And I recognize the over-intensity of relationship with first child - also overstimulation! DD is having a much longer babyhood, DS was talking at 10 months!

DS seems much more relaxed now.

[professorplum]

I have 1 sis and she is at least as important to me as my dh and dcs. We are closer to each other than to our parents. When I was a teenager I asked why my parents only had 2 dcs. My dad said it was for financial reasons. I was totally devestated by this, we were not rich but very 'comfortable'. The way I interpreted it at the time was if I had less stuff, did fewer extra ciricular activities, if we had fewer holidays and only 1 car, then I could have had another sibling. I think if he has said the reason was when I am in my 50s, 60s or 70s, I will inherit a larger amount of money, I would have punched him. I am so glad I have my sis and my dcs have each other. I think a sibling relationship is more important than the parent child relationship and my parents are fantastic.

[Hallowedam]

Ds is an only child (so far, I suppose...) and oddly enough is really good at finding siblings to play with. He doesn't just play with his friends, he plays with their brothers and sisters at the same time. He invited some of his classmates' older brothers and sisters to his birthday party which is apparently unusual enough for the older ones to tell other grown ups how kind he is. I wonder if it's an only child seeking out siblings thing?

My mother is an only child and I know she's felt very alone since her parents died when she was only 21 and 23. She told us (my sister and I) lots of stories about her family, but it's not the same as having someone who remembers.

[chocolateteapot]

DD was a few weeks short of her 4th birthday when I became pregnant with DS. It wasn't planned (sorry, I feel guilty writing that when there are people having difficulty conceiving) but when I found out I was pregnant I was hugely relieved as we had been procrastinating about whether we should have a second for 3 years since DD was one.

Left to our own devices I am sure we wouldn't because 1) I couldn't imagine loving another child as much as DD 2) We both found adjusting to parenthood incredibly hard (not helped we found later by the fact that DD has dyspraxia and therefore things have been harder 3)My brother and I got on horrendously and I wasn't sure I could cope with the arguments and fights that I was sure there would be 4) DD had always slept well and I was convinced that the next one would therefore never sleep and I am absolutely rubbish without sleep 5) My Mum had had a number of miscarriages in between having me and my brother and I was convinced the same would happen to me 6) I was getting my life back and I liked it that way. There were more reasons I think but can't remember them now.

I am really pleased to say that every single thing I was worried about hasn't happened. By coincidence there is pretty much an identical age gap between my two dcs and myself and my brother (about 2 weeks difference) but there the similarity ends, my two get on brilliantly. DD has struggled along the way with jealousy but I know without doubt that having her little brother has enriched her life a lot and she does now say that she wouldn't want him not to be here. The other day he hurt himself and by the time I got in to see what had happened she had him on the sofa under a blanket, surrounded by his toys and had got him an apple (am I making myself sound very bad here about how long I took to investigate ?!), it was really sweet. Having number 2 for us has been a complete doddle in comparison to the first time round.

Having said all that I think we would have been more than happy if we hadn't gone on to have two but everytime I look at DS I am so pleased we have him.

[Hallowedam]

Btw, I have two sisters myself (one from my father's second marriage) and really love being one of three. You get to gossip about family far more, and if you fall out with one there's always the other to talk to. Although I'm not going to suggest dh divorces me and remarries just in order to provide a half-sibling for ds!

[becaroo]

Boo64...hurrah!! So glad my (nearly unposted OP) helped.

My very best wishes to you and good luck...any chance of naming the baby becaroo ?

There are some really heartfelt replies on this thread...thank you all for taking the time to respond.

As for me...I just dont know. I keep looking at my ds "small man body" and am starting to long for the feel of chubby arms and legs again (oh dear!)

Do any of you think I might be feeling this way beacuse he is due to start school in January...empty nest syndrome and all that and I should just wait for it to pass????

Thanks to all those who posted about hating being an only too...good to have both sides of the debate.

[happyathome]

could be empty nest becaroo.
i had it just before mine started school.then i adjusted to 'me' time and it was ok.but it's back and STRONGER.you see them growing up and time going on and on and you really feel like parenthood is slowly walking off into the sunset...

oh no,back on chocolate for comfort.this TTC time has been the ONLY time i have'nt craved it...whatdya know?!!...maybe it's getting to me more than i think.
my head,so doesn't want another right now,but i bet i won't be able to resist at ovulation time
did all you feel a huge weight lift from you when you didn't have the conflict anymore of deciding.?.It's like world war two in my head
good luck becaroo.maybe see if you like 'having your life back' when he's started school.get a feel for it,then ask how another would fill the slot.
this thread proves yet again, that the only child scales are balancing out...for every unhappy only,there is a happy one!
your call becaroo,your life!.....

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Becaroo - Agree it could be empty nest syndrome - I wonder about this too - and there are loads of threads on here about women who have had three/four/five children and still feel this way, even though they know they couldn't financially or emotionally manage another. It can be a difficult battle between head and heart. I guess that's why so many people's pregnancies aren't "planned" in the strictest sense of the word. Many of my friends have just gone with a strong instinct/feeling and that (along with a few glasses of red wine) has resulted in a pregnancy. Most have been happy with their decision. And most - but not all - know when they have a sense that their families are complete. Although I recall seeing another thread on that too ... Mmsnet is brilliant for this sort of thing that can often be too difficult to bring up in rl ...

Happyathome - your question really struck a chord with me,

"did all you feel a huge weight lift from you when you didn't have the conflict anymore of deciding.?.It's like world war two in my head"

I'd love to know the answer to that too.
I feel as though I am living in a sort of limbo state; not really able to leave the thought of having another baby behind but not quite being able to focus on the future either ....

What fabulous posts Chocolate Teapot and Seeker.

Couldn't agree more with Professor Plum about importance of siblings.

Agree age 4 is the turning point when you see them turning in to independent people .. sniff...

And if you decide to go for it Becaroo - don't worry too much about the age gap - it is probably harder early on but it matters not a jot when you take the long view. There's 5,10, and 15 years age difference between me and my siblings. Now we are in our forties and fifties we are as close as we have ever been.

Good luck Becaroo, Boo64, Pruners and all.

[happyathome]

maybe i know the answer already counting,because when i TTC last month,i felt so content,excited and full of hope and felt that i could get on with life,knowing there was nothing else i could do...it was now up to nature/God.I had finally handed the reins over to fate and it felt great.
However,it's this week i've felt depressed,because i'm back to square one and have to decide whether to try this month again,then i'm going to have the two week wait again!!!.I don't feel strong enough some months though.It only takes an illness or holiday (DD's) to make me wonder why i'm bothering trying(feel like my plate is full at those times)-think your'e right.It's going to take a few drinks,courage and a commitment to stick with my decision.
My mum came this week,and as good as pointed out that i was tired,the place was a tip,so as good as,how would i cope with another?-i flew off the handle because she just brought down my wall of courage again(think she fears me getting pregnant again,in case it 'ruins' my life-we are very close and i know she only has my best interests at heart,so i tend to take on board what she says).So i'm glad i have all you positive mumsnetters to give me confidence that it will be ok,because my mum only had me,so has no clue about life with multiple kids.
Are any of you feeling really tired and stressed and put it down to the stress of deciding on another and on the rollercoaster of TTC?...i sometimes blame it on parenting,then think,maybe mum is right,i haven't energy for two!!
Do any of you find the responsibility and sometimes monotony of parenting is too much,and wonder why you are craving to care for another in the midst of it..why..i ask myself(as i crash into bed,or don't even want to get up in the morning).Or is it the uncertainty of the future that's making us so depressed...would the happiness of another child to love,lift us out of that...i really want to know
thanks for listening to my long rant