A Question for all those out there with an only child.............

[becaroo]

I was wondering if any of you who have only children have had any regrets about not having any more???

Or, have any of you gone on to have another child and regretted it??

As a mother of an only 4 year old ds myself, I am at the stage where I am very unsure about having another child (tbh I dont think I could cope, bith physically and mentally) and yet I feel that I am in some way "condemning" my ds to a lonely life....any thoughts?

[becaroo]

I know just what you mean happyathome....in many ways having another baby would be idiotic for me.

I have just gone back to work p/t and started on OU degree p/t but I am starting to wonder whether I am doing all that to somehow dampen/repress my wanting another baby???

This is all getting a bit phsycological isnt it???

My MIL was VERY scathing when I broached the subject of having another earlier this year...as you say, they only have your best interests at heart, but it does make you feel like saying "wny? Have I done that bad a job with my dc???!"

I am still very unsure about what to do...might ask dh what he thinks...he will think he is married to a mad woman!!!!

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Becaroo and HappyatHome - I think it's virtually impossible to remain completely rational and objective aobut this issue. It IS a deeply psychological matter and so many emotional issues come in to play.

I too feel low when its the school holidays or when dd is ill HappyatHome and wonder why I am trying for a second. But that's parenting isn't it? One minute you are totally embattled and depressed and the next minute something wonderful happens to change it all around! It's a cliché but it is an emotional roller-coaster. I imagine with two children the lows are lower and the highs are higher (but maybe that's terribly naieve and other mnsetters with more than one child can enlighten us further about this!)

I definitely attribute my current 'low state' to the monthly cycle of expectance followed by disappointment. I've tried to adopt a "whatever will be" attitude and feel very blessed to have one dd, but it's sometimes difficult to remain positive. If I felt that my depression was deeper than that though I do think it would be unrealistic and unfair to expect a second child to lift me out of that state ifyswim and in that instance, I wouldn't be going ahead, but like you, HappyatHOme, I attribute it to uncertainty about the future.

Hope I'm not waffling on too much, but am not sure that mils and mothers or any close relatives are the best people to judge on these matters. Yes, they love us but they could have other subconscious reasons for not wanting us to have more children. (I'm mightily ashamed of my attitude now of course, but I confess to being rather subdued when my sister announced she was pregnant 13 years ago because I knew it would mean she would have less time to spend with me.) Also, shouldn't make assumptions but perhaps our mothers and mils have very different ideas to our own as to what consitutes "coping" or not. For us combining an OP course with parenting may be "coping" better than having a tidy house for example!


Good luck both!

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Not saying your house isn't immaculate of course Becarroo !!!

[becaroo]

Countingthegreyhairs....sadly, I live in a hovel

Maybe with me it is also the dreaded hormones kicking in - I was 35 at the begninning of october so it could be my mind/body conspiring against me and trying to convince me to breed more before its too late???

Whatever the reason, its driving me mad. I am normally a very rational person (too much so sometimes, perhaps) and this constant "shall we/shant we" debate is making me feel like a hormonal, ranting mess.

Thanks for listening

[happyathome]

counting-love your post!...some very sensible food for thought to chew on there!.
think i want to avoid rollercoaster,but then silly me...i will be on one anyway for the rest of my life,because i have a child.I'm sure us 'only child' parents also think it will be emotional bomb x 2,whereas,i suppose maybe parents of more,somehow manange to 'dilute' the mental anguish to survive,or maybe theyr'e just too busy or
tired to worry and therefore they just get on with it.Maybe we've too much time on our hands or we put too much effort/worry into our parenting of one?!.
One thing shines out in all our stories...we feel like we're going mad(lets all cackle round the bonfire )...surely this is because it is our instincts talking(maybe hormones too...i'm 33!),but really if our bodies/brains weren't interested then we would shudder at the thought of pregnancy,be completely indifferent to newborns,we would just focus on the future without another thought(and throw the baby stuff on the bonfire as we cackle.In other words,going mad happens when you feel confused i suppose.Now it is your head that confuses you and other people .I reckon your heart just knows and it battles just to be heard.
I'm the opposite to you becaroo.feel like my days of college and careers are over.been there.done that.something tells me my 30's are not for that.neither are they for 'retirement' pleasures.i suppose to me,it is to grow the family that you want to have around you for the rest of your life.i have immersed myself in 'the decision' and if not that,then mumsnet...in other words,tried to 'carry on/extend' mothering,because i'm so on the fence too,and i don't want to let go.feel i will lose interest in mothering if i go back to career land and then use it as an excuse to not bother trying again.
anyway
conclusion...maybe we should go babydusting instead of trick or treating ...before we get carted off by the white coat brigade.Think this 'decision' is going to go on forever.If we can't think of
really good reasons why we shouldn't then maybe we should...no forget it..too rational.
no seriously...just spending half my life on here discussing it,means i'm half commited already!?
thanks for your support,both of you.
any more psychology quite welcome!
i just apologise if i have confused anyone,or put them off

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Can identify with everything you say in your second para HappyatHome .... and a cackle around the fire sounds like a very good idea btw )

Becaroo - I have personally experienced a huge surge in hormonal/maternal feelings as I get more ancient ... I'm sure there's truth in that. From one hormonal ranting mess to another (also living in a hove ) "good luck and hope you are able to find a route through the heart/head maize!!!"

[MaryAnnSingletomb]

on whole no don't regret it at all

[HonoriaGlossop]

I don't regret it, no. DS happens to be an extremely highly strung, sensitive boy and has now been found to have SEN as well (dyspraxia) and I am 100% sure that he has thrived better with our full attention; he soaks it up and needs it far more than some other, more even-keel children, probably would.

For me, I regret not getting to 'do' labour and breastfeeding again so that I could 'get them right this time!'. but that is selfish reasons, for me, nothing to do with welfare of ds or putative second child!

I don't deny that i have wobbles, huge ones, about this issue. I have a close sibling and i fully know the lovely parts of having one so I do know that ds is possible missing out on one of life's joys; and as a parent you want your child to have ALL of life's joys, unrealistic though that may be. I wonder about ds' life when DH and I are dead and of course I sometimes allow myself to picture a lonely person with no immediate family.

However that is not something I can do anything about, other than to ensure ds sees all his family inc cousins, which he does, and that we help him value friendships and get good at making them, which we do.

So taken as a whole I do not regret ds being a singleton. For him, and for us, there are HUGE pluses to that situation. And will continue to be so, all through his upbringing I am sure; though these advantages are not all about money, Custardo's post about the reality of the cost of children up to adulthood is very important.

[happyathome]

thanks counting for validating my feelings.so i'm not just a mad old witch then.it's all part of the 'big decision'.
..come on then...ready to cackle....1.2.3......cackle,cackle,dance,cackle,throw at least half the baby equipment on the fire then(better save some just in case!)....
there,that feel better?!,has it driven out any of your hormonal rage.
good luck.

thanks Mary and Honoria.Know what you mean about wanting to get breastfeeding right next time Honoria.Sadly,iv'e read posts where it didn't work out with second child or first child fed well,second didn't e.t.c..Sorry,i don't mean to put a damper on things.I would be determined as i could next time to MAKE IT WORK !.Just as well though that we don't make that one of our primary reasons for having another eh?!As for better labours,guess it might be better as we know we survived it before,so not being as scared,might reduce the pain?!...not guaranteed though.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

What a touching post HG. Your little boy is very lucky to have you as his mother.

Yes, there are all the presumed advantages of a second that we would be "more relaxed" and "know what we are doing" etc but nothing is ever guaranteed. All we can do is weigh up the pros and cons, make as sensible and rational decision as we can, and having made a decision, leap off the top board and plunge in to whatever life course we have chosen as wholeheartedly as possible... . Even then, unexpected things can happen.

Btw - apologies for dreadful spelling in my last post - meant 'hovel' and 'maze' obviously ....

[HonoriaGlossop]

counting, thank you so much for what you said - wow.

[Countingthegreyhairs]

You've set me off now HG ....

[becaroo]

Well ladies, we are getting in a lather, arent we??

What lovely thought provoking posts...

I am going to talk to my dh about it and see what he thinks....although it is so much easer to be honest and frank with you guys!!

I keep running over all the bad bits of my ds's babyhood in my head (and believe me, there were planty ) and it still isnt helping get rid of my feelings...what to do?

My MIL would probably require CPR if I did get pregnant again

[becaroo]

Obviously, that should read "plenty"

Sorry, long day.......

[LazyLinePainterJane]

Whatever you decide, realise that your hormonal feelings won't change. DH and I decided that we only wanted 1 child because we wanted to not be mainly parents forever. I didn't want the logistics of dealing with 2 children and I know that you don't always get what you want when it comes to second children.

Despite this decision, I still get all hormonal and broody from time to time, even though I know what I want. My body still wants me to have another baby. It's hard to make a decision when your hormones are trying to make it for you, IYSWIM.

You can only make the decision that is right for you. I felt pressure from PIL to have another because "that's what you do" and it seems like everywhere I look, women are pregnant with their second.

Personally I think that providing your child with a playmate is not a good enough reason to have another child. Children with siblings can be just as lonely and onlies.

[LazyLinePainterJane]

as onlies.....

[becaroo]

Thats a good point...I am not particularly close to either of my siblings BUT I wouldnt be having another baby for that reason personally. My ds is nearly 4.5 so if I did have another they wouldnt be playmates anyway.... I just have a feeling of incompleteness I suppose.

Interestingly, no one has posted about having another baby and regretting it

[bodycolder]

I have one ds 13 and I did want more but it was too complicated health wise and it was more for me if I'm honest as ds is totally happy and sociable and we always have a houseful!Now that the decision is final I feel calmer and just enjoy having him We recently went to NY and it was great with one I don't think I could cope with more now

[LazyLinePainterJane]

That's because generally, people don't regret having their kids. I suspect that a few honest ones would admit that they might have it differently if they could start over again, but once you have a child and get to know it, you don't regret it.

I think that if you feel incomplete, that that is a reason to have another, as it is for you. I think that even with your age gap, kids normally find some common ground.

[becaroo]

So...35 isnt too old then? Am slightly worried about the age thing. Have spoken to dh about my feeling s this evening. He didnt have me sectioned or laugh at me which was a relief!

Is it easier 2nd time round? Will I be better at it? PLEASE tell me I will!!!

[DarthVader]

this is a gorgeous thread that I started about the delights of having one child

[mesaloca]

I am an only child. I have never wished for siblings and have never met an only child that suffered through lack of them.

[Mog]

I've a work colleague who is an only. She lost her mother when she was 16 and her father is now very ill. She's 36 now and has no partner. So it's therefore possible at her age she will have no family of her own. This type of scenario is when I think it is very good to have siblings. It means you are still connected to people in a very deep way (and that doesn't necessarily mean you are close).

[bamamama]

Becaroo - thanks for starting this thread, you beat me to it! We're trying to decide about whether or not to try for #2 although we know that there is actually little chance of that happening without intervention (no fertility issues, long story). As someone said it's like WW2 in my head trying to decide what is the best thing to do. I look at my perfect ds (age 17 months) and realise that the decisions we make now are going to affect him profoundly for the rest of his life. Thanks darthvader for linking to the other thread, it does show that only having one doesn't make you some sort of part-time parent if that's the way you go (IYSWIM).

I'm actually finding the whole issue exhausting and want someone else to make the decision for me!

[seeker]

Becaroo - when I was your age I was still in a high powered, 15 hour a day outside the home career-type job without a thought in my mind of even having number 1, never mind number 2! No 35 is nost definitely not too old!