A Question for all those out there with an only child.............

[becaroo]

I was wondering if any of you who have only children have had any regrets about not having any more???

Or, have any of you gone on to have another child and regretted it??

As a mother of an only 4 year old ds myself, I am at the stage where I am very unsure about having another child (tbh I dont think I could cope, bith physically and mentally) and yet I feel that I am in some way "condemning" my ds to a lonely life....any thoughts?

thanks so much honoria for the support.brought a big to my face.you were very helpful.must admit,i worry about possible multiples(in mum's side of family!)-just wouldn't enjoy that i don't think!.also worry about health,like if 2nd ends up with allergies,because my DD had ezcema and is allergic to egg,and i'm full of ezcema,dust mite allery and hayfever..eek...would just be a nightmare if the poor thing was suffering.just so many possible dampeners for me.i may change my mind though next month,who knows!?.
thanks too peterduck-so glad it's not just me and i have all you lot for support.hope you sort your mind out too.BTW,i didn't want another at all when my DD was as young as yours.
thankyou thankyou thankyou

exactly paddington...like you say,only children adjust to what they have.don't know any different.
i too wonder if my DH would regret not having anymore,but like PETERDUCK,my DH is pretty inefficient at times and seems to get fed up after a certain lenghth of time with DD.I would have hoped for more involvement and help from DH,and fear 2 kids may not change things.Wouldn't want to lose my time with him at night,that we have ATM,but then again a lot of nights,we waste...him on computer,me with tv,or reversed and we don't make much conversation.we need to make more effort.Maybe that's why i'm not as horny ATM,because i feel so 'distant' from him.That is not a good base for having another child.

I really envy those people who decide to have another child and then just "do it"!

I am in a constant state of anxiety/confusion at the moment. I am 35, what if there are problems?? What if I cant cope??

Perhaps I am over thinking this??

after having my first child i swore never again, i was perfectly happy to have just the one. but 5 years later i changed my mind and a year after the birth of my second child im pregnant again. i have lots of friends who are only children and its not bothered them. but never say never because you may well change your mind

Hi I am a mum with one, aged 13 now. I do sometimes feel a little regretful as I know he will probably leave me eventually and I will no longer be the most important woman in his life, and frankly would not want him to stay and bcome sad stay at home man with mad old mum. My decision was founded on the horrid birth (10lb9.5oz) and 18 months of post natal depression. My DH has supported me in decision but I know he would have liked more espcially a little girl. But having said all this my boy is a delight, He is one of the team, bcause he has largely only talked to adults he speaks and acts like one both at home and out in company. We get to go away on holidays we could not afford if we had more, and are generally financially better off. We are also fotunate in that my sister and DH's brother and sister have had a number between them so the family will still be quite big if he needs them when we are gone. My friens had a second child because she was an only and I think she has always regretted it as she lost the close relationship she had with her firstborn and has issues with the second child now 10.
Don't suppose that has helped but thought a viewpoint from further down the road might be of interest.

yeah,i envy them too becaroo
thanks for more stories folk!

BTW,congratulations spugs....you say we may change our minds,but the trouble is,with that mindset,i cannot commit myself to the future the way it is,you know,can't focus on getting rid of baby stuff e.t.c.(hmm-took a baby book back out of charity bag....i may just need it).Hard to live the the 'maybe' attitude.Have you enjoyed life with two a lot more than one then?(specifically what's been better)

packingqueen-yeah thanks,i do want to hear how it is for those with older onlies .would be good if grandmas came and gave their version of a life with an only too.could be most interesting.do any of those regret only having one i wonder???
how many teenage onlies are happy that way?

oh becaroo,i feel your pain...here's a HUG

packingqueen...I do worry about losing the bond with my ds, whom I adore any there is always the worry about whether you will ove another child the same....

Perhaps, in the final analysis, it is best to take a chance than live with a lifetime of regret......I very nearly didnt try for a baby...lots of people warned me against it (due to my health problems) but I am a stibborn old moo and tried anyway and now I have my beautiful boy. If I had not listened to my heart then I would not have him and that thought absolutely terrifies me.

It is oddly comforting to know that others agonise over this decision too

thanks for the hug hth

becaroo-just wondering,do you have that feeling of incompleteness everyday then,even when times are hard?.I'm confused,because mine keeps dissapearing,and i feel quite content/relieved at having one sometimes!-sure glad i took the risk with my first though .
it's about coming to terms with the fact good and bad will be mixed isn't it and not
second child=happier future full stop.

After 12 yrs of trying and finally giving up,I found myself pregnant yet again. Expecting as before to miscarry, we joked to 24 weeks then realised the seemingly impossible might happen. The ultimate in high risk pregnancies and we pulled it off.

So, yes my ds will probably be an only child, was it planned no, do I regret it - no.

Do not judge people from an exterior, you have no clue how they got to that position in the first place.

Hello becaroo,

I haven't read anyone else's posts (yet) but I think the most important aspect is whether or not you and your dh/dp want another child.

I am more or less an only (my parents split when I was 5 & I have 2 younger half sisters whom I see once a year if I'm lucky). It was great being an only in some respects but I would have loved to have a brother or sister, especially as my parents' split was not at all amicable & this was very hard on me - it would've been a great comfort not to have to go through all that crap alone iyswim - and also because I was often really lonely. We moved all the time due to my step-father's job so I was always saying good-bye to friends.

This is probably not your situation, though. I have 2 dc & my main reason for having a 2nd child was because I thought being an only was the absolute worst. Now I'm not so sure. My 2 love each other dearly but they also fight constantly. It's wearing & you have to be prepared for the almost constant rivalry & jealousy, even if it doesn't happen. I have no regrets about having 2 & wouldn't have done any differently but I no longer believe that being an only child is so dreadful. If money is an issue then you need to think about costs doubling. Travel is also much easier with one child.

I could go on because the issue fascinates me (but I won't). The best advice I can give you is to do what feels best for you.

fortune, that was really interesting, to hear the issue from both sides! I must say, I do think that if you do have an only (by choice!) then if at all possible the home environment should be stable as in, NOT moving all the time. That must have been grim indeed. Also, it was thought provoking to think of you going through your parents' split unsupported...

I think your post is a really balanced view.

Thanks!

Fatback...I am not judging anyone. I realise that some only children are not onlys by choice and I have had my fair share of pregnancy heartache too.

My thread was a genuine attempt to get advice on an issue which is very important to me - I apologise if it has offended anyone.

Fortunecookie....dh and I have had a heart to heart about the issue and the upshot is that he would like another child but does not want to pressure me so has kept silent.

I think we am going to try for another...some days feels totally the right thing to do..others (like yesterday when I was really tired from work and fed up) not so good, but there are always good days and bad days...it isnt all roses and picket fences.

Thank you all very much for your stories/advice/tips. It is very much appreciated

Sounds like a good plan, becaroo! Enjoy your decision - of course there will be days (and nights, later) when you wonder, what have I done? but the joys outweigh the doubts.

And don't forget that with kids, the love and adoration carries you through the hard bits. If anyone had told me Five Years Ago that i would be soppy with adoration for the human being who has run a great line in sleep deprivation/career sabotage/body alteration.....would I have believed them?

You might have some hard exhausting times, whatever the size of your family, but you will be bizarrely grateful! Good luck Bec!

glad you've reached a decision...should be easy from now on eh?!....good luck and lots of babydust your way(if i have any to give).
i've decided not to try this month,because i'm on a steroid cream at the moment,so don't want to be full of medication whilst trying.
i also realised that if i tried this month i would have an august baby,meaning it would be the very youngest in class when it goes to school.not good at at all.i already find it a bit tough with a june baby,but luckily,being an only ensures we have lots of one-to-one homework help to help her keep up with the others.it's a bit tough socially on them too i think being so young!
i know...maybe it's all just excuses and i'm not thinking positive enough.i'm finding it hard to deal with the potential problkems before i even start/before they exist....
bottom line is i don't think i must WANT another enough,because,surely i would see past all obstacles?.i would just get on with it and not find excuses to put it off.
anyone think that.do you think i'm not dedicated enough to the idea,or is it my brain just trying to trick me again,in a last attempt to make me see sense(rather than listen to my heart?)any of you experience this.
if you do try for one,becaroo,will you keep us posted on how you feel please,would be interested to see how you feel about pregnancy 'scares',if your enthusiasm remains when TTC fails(i hope it doesn't!) etc....good luck.

BTW-last posts were uplifting.know what you mean honoria about adoration,even through hard times.

like your post fortune cookie-thanks for your honesty..gives me more reassurance,if DD does end up an only

I am one of three and my memories of childhood are very happy ones mostly of racing round on bikes with my brothers, setting up obstacle courses and having races etc. I also remember our mother putting us on three separate chairs to stop us fighting.

As an adult when my mother was very ill we were all on the phone to each other giving support. If we need something the others are there for us and we also have the joy of nieces and nephews.

I love watching my children cuddling each other or playing together, they are happy for hours and yes they fight too but they learn to negotiate and share through this which makes school easier.

My friend is an only and now she is ill. She has no family at all to support her and misses her late parents. Luckily she has good friends

Another friend's child is an only and is well loved but he is lonely and she always needs to take a friend for him. She also has to spend a lot of time playing with him.

Given the choice I would not have an only child but if you have make sure that they are very good at making friends.

I am on of 4.Always wanted lots of kids.

I have pcos and was delighted to have dd after a few yrs of trying.She is now 15.

We thought she'd be an onlie and were reconciled to it after yrs of trying for second child.

Always made sure she had loads of friends around etc.Made decision to live in estate with loads of kids.

Then 10 yrs later I got pregnant unexpectedly.Ds is now 5 .

I am very glad they will have each other when I am old and dribbling from both ends.

They have a wonderful relationship now.

However I must also say dd says she enjoyed being an only child and didn't find it lonely AT all.