Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

They are!!!! That’s what I’m telling you. It’s all the testosterone in them

Stop making excuses. It isn’t testosterone, it’s bad behaviour.

My son has just come up and reminded that I need to add that most toys get broken. They get played with for a certain amount of time then ‘repurposed’ as a gun or something bloody dangerous and broken. Downstairs is a toy graveyard akin to the kid in Toy Story.

@welliguessitwouldbenice

My nine year old still takes his monkey to bed and can’t bear to part with any of his twenty or so most precious soft toys from babyhood

My 18yo still takes his penguin to bed. He recently got his girlfriend’s gran to patch him up a little. When his girlfriend isn’t staying over, he sleeps with his arm around the penguin

Yes this, my 13 year old boy cuddles up with Snowdrop the white fluffy cat every night. He's had him since he was 3

They are!!!! That’s what I’m telling you. It’s all the testosterone in them.

I’m trying to think of all the boys that I know (and there are many) that are ‘out of control’, and it’s only a small handful of non-parented, feral ones.

The others are all great.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Another thread has just reminded me we haven’t done enough hand wringing about being the dreaded MIL yet. All we’ve done is concentrate on the fighting, wrestling and wrecking of tea parties/barbies.

You will have to play second fiddle to the wife/girlfriend. You won’t be able to go wedding dress shopping with her unless invited and of course won’t get such a strong relationship with the grand child(REN) due to her own mother muscling in first. Awful. Just awful.

Someone is projecting their own fears there....or do you actually have grown up sons to know this will actually happen?

As it happens most adult men I know are closer to their mothers in adulthood than the daughters are....

For all the negatives with boys, there are as many positives.
Same with girls.
Boys don’t have to be hitty and shouty. They can be sensitive, caring, extremely loving and affectionate, play with both boys and girls. I have found this especially true is they have older sister(S) and can relate to girls / model their behaviour from an older sister

Oooh it’s getting you all a little rattled though isn’t it. With your precious boy first borns. I was the same, and then the second one came along and it was all true 🤣

Aside from giving you a chance to boast about your terrible parenting I can't really work out what you think you're adding to the thread, @justanotherneighinparadise? It's not helpful for OP, it isn't the experience of most people on the thread and it's just making you look bad that you insist that your children are totally uncontrollable.

I’m sorry some posters have given you a hard time, despite you being open from the outset about your PND and the impact on you. It’s clear to me that this is an extension of that. You had an image in your head of the mum you would be to your next child and those images don’t line up with reality. I haven’t experienced gender disappointment but I do understand this. You’ll have people tell you that it’s not acceptable to feel this way as all that’s necessary is a healthy baby - but as someone whose babies weren’t healthy I feel that you are completely entitled to feel how you do, I believe it’s likely a symptom or result of your PND and it doesn’t make you a bad or selfish person.

I have twin boys and we had a very difficult birth experience - early emergency section, didn’t get to see them, separated overnight while they were being worked on in NICU (where they stayed for 3 and 8 weeks), couldn’t hold one of them for a few days etc. One was swiftly diagnosed with a rare illness, and over time has become more complex. Both of them are autistic and non verbal. Basically nothing about my life as a parent is what I had imagined when I thought about it.

I still find the birth very difficult to deal with - can’t look at photos of other women holding their babies just after birth even now. For a while I thought about having another baby - aside from wanting another child, part of my also saw it as a chance to experience the things that most other mothers do. I feel like we missed so much in those first few months being separated and dealing with so much medical stuff. But I realised that there were no guarantees it would end up differently, and even if I did experience them it wouldn’t make me less sad about what happened with my twins - if anything it might make me feel worse.

Even if you were having a girl, there are no guarantees that anything would be the way you imagined - I’ve learnt since my twins were born that things can change at any time and you can’t predict how things will go. My boys are my whole world and you will form your own individual relationship with your son based on who you both are, not what you expect them to be.

I think more counselling / support would be a good idea so that you’re feeling as strong as possible before your new baby arrives. Also sounds like there’s some issues from your childhood that need talking through with someone impartial and supportive and who can challenge your thoughts on this and make you think about them differently

Sending to you and hugs. You’ve been through a difficult time and that plus pregnancy hormones can cause emotions which are disproportionate. This doesn’t make you a bad person or selfish.

They are!!!! That’s what I’m telling you. It’s all the testosterone in them.

Absolute bollocks. Parent them properly

@justanotherneighinparadise

Oooh it’s getting you all a little rattled though isn’t it. With your precious boy first borns. I was the same, and then the second one came along and it was all true 🤣

I have three boys and I'm pleased to say that we do not have a house full of broken toys and they do not hit others. Sounds like you need to learn some behaviour management techniques rather than thinking this is normal.

The posts about boys giving more hugs are frankly ridiculous. If you're breeding in order to get cuddles, you need help.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Oooh it’s getting you all a little rattled though isn’t it. With your precious boy first borns. I was the same, and then the second one came along and it was all true 🤣

I got both my boys at the same time. They are autistic, non verbal and no concept of danger / causing pain and yet have never hit each other,. Not even once. One has been to A&E once, after he fell and hit his head and cut his eyebrow. It’s bizarre you think this is normal, unless of course you’re just trying to wind up an OP who’s already distressed, which is charming behaviour from an adult...

These threads make me so sad .... girls are so much highly prized over boys. I've never once seen a GD disappointment thread about someone expecting a girl who wanted a boy. What's happened that has made boys so unwanted???

OP please get help for your experiences, they seem to have left you with post natal depression. Once you're well and strong, you'll be in better position to take care of yourself and your little man.

@bluebluezoo

My boys do hit each other with all sorts of stuff. They wrestle, weve ended up in A&E a few times, as have my friends who have two boys. So boys are certainly more physical. I guess having a girl might night help abate that, or else they’ll just start whacking each other with teddies and teapots

Please stop saying shit like this.

What sort of parent are you that lets your childrens ”wrestling” and hitting each other land them in a&e more than once?

This isn’t a “boy” thing, it’s a parent thing. Discipline them and stop letting them hit each other.

One of mine is very physical and has a tendency to hit. Guess what? She gets punished every time. Every time. She has never landed anyone in a&e.

This is the issue with gender stereotyping. This behaviour in girls is stamped on and controlled. Boys it’s a shrug and “just what boys do”.

You are so right. @bluebluezoo it sounds like you’re raising two thugs.

Meant to say left you with PTSD, not PND.

I have met my share of rough boys and absolutely nightmarish girls. Met a little girl over the summer who, before she arrived, her grandma was trying to convince me that once I saw what little girls are like I'd want one too (I have two sons). This child rolls up, and she was a demon. She was incredibly spoilt, and would hit and pinch my boys who have been taught not to hit girls because they are stronger than them. It was a difficult few days trying to bite my tongue as this terror ripped through the place and was constantly mean to my boys while her grandmother beamed about what a treasure she was and how sassy she was (sassy being spoilt rotten, no thanks).

She was not an exception either, I've met a lot of spoilt little girls who were raised with 'Princess Syndrome'. Also met a lot of rough boys who were raised with 'Boys will be boys Syndrome'. It's down to parenting.

My sons are two of the loveliest little children, they're very loving and affectionate. I'm currently expecting a third boy and I am honestly happy with whatever I will get. I cannot imagine crying over finding out he was a boy. This is your child, why does what's between his legs matter?

If you really feel this bad please get help immediately. Children know when they're being rejected, it leaves lingering effects on them.

Boys and girls. Who cares. As long as the baby is healthy.

To all those mums with girls. At some stage you will be grateful that us mums of boys have raised kind and caring gentlemen when your princesses start dating those horrible boys. Let’s hope your daughters live up to my expectations 😂😂😂

I have a twin brother (I'm a girl) and we are super close and have a great relationship. Siblings can be close regardless of gender x

OP I haven't had chance to rtft, but I noted you mentiomed stereotypes.

I have 2 boys, the eldest is calm, sensitive, and a quiet soul, the youngest is fiesty, fearless and actually bonkers!

They have had the same upbringing and there is only a small age gap.

Please, for you, try and get some more therapy/counselling and work through.

P.S. my boys are super cuddly and caring, and I can see their bond growing daily, please don't fixate on other people's experiences.

Just because OP feels this way now doesn’t mean she will reject her son - the overwhelming majority of people who feel this way feel it temporarily, no doubt a combination of hormones, previous PND, sometimes trauma. I have no doubt the OP will love her son just as much as her daughter.

For what it’s worth, I would have been terrified to have a girl due to my own experiences of childhood. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love them unconditionally but I felt relieved that I was having two boys. I didn’t have a close relationship with my mum growing up and I think that relationship with our mother and their relationship with any siblings we have has a big impact here.

God, there’s some crap on this thread in the last few pages! “Boys will be boys” is just an awful way of excusing poor behaviour. All kids have the potential to be energetic and physical, regardless of sex. Why would it possibly be ok to allow boys to injure each other and break stuff, by not girls? Utterly ridiculous. My boy does not behave this way and neither do any of his male friends, even when a group of them are running around together. He gets very upset if a toy gets accidentally broken and have never intentionally broken anything. He’s very aware that you care for possessions and people. He knows it’s not ok to use his hands on other people and has a strong sense of morality and justice when he sees another child being unkind. He is a naturally gentle soul, but even if my DS2 grows up to be full of beans, he will absolutely know there are boundaries when it comes to behaviour. Full of energy? Go kick a ball in the garden, run around, jump on a trampoline. Pushing kids off slides and landing them in A&E? There is literally no scenario in which this is appropriate behaviour and I’m baffled that anyone would think there was. I’m guessing your sons think it’s not ok for boys to cry either....

Your kids sound out of control

They are!!!! That’s what I’m telling you. It’s all the testosterone in them
Ermm if you prepubescent boys have enough testosterone to make them violent and uncontrollable you really need to get them to a doctor. Your boys are out of control because you don't control them. Funny that they "an angel at school" presumably because the teacher doesn't go 'oh well boys will be boys' and doesn't tolerate bad behaviour from boys or girls.

People want to believe in blank slate-ism, that good children are a product of good parenting.

It isn’t so simple.

Walk into any classroom and you’ll note that boys cause the vast majority of disruptions. I mean, it’s not controversial in the least to say the jails are full of men, and men cause the most social disruption.

But say the same about boys and people sure get mad about it 😂

Sure, you may have been lucky that your boy is well-behaved, but many parents aren’t that lucky (and yet they’ll always blame the mothers, just look at this thread here).

No wonder nobody wants a boy.

Oooh it’s getting you all a little rattled though isn’t it. With your precious boy first borns. I was the same, and then the second one came along and it was all true

Ah bless you. Most of us on this thread have more than one boy, who are older children, teenagers or even grown.

A bit of discipline, a bit of not foisting harmful gender norms on them, and you have tale after tale of amazing young people who don’t land each other in A&E because ‘testosterone’, who respect their possessions and others’ - no ‘toy graveyards’ here - and who are kind, thoughtful, cuddly, active, different individuals.

My daughter adores her baby brother. From the minute we brought him home from the hospital they have had an incredible bond. I've found rather than have any preconceived notions about who my children might be or what they will be like or like is daft as they will just be who they want to be. I would try some therapy and work through it.