Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

I had my DS after two DDs and although I wasn't disappointed at the scan, I did wonder if I would bond with him the same way.

Having had girls I just couldn't imagine having a boy and loving him the same way. He's now 2 and I love him with all my heart, just as much as I did my girls. He is such a funny, loving and happy little soul. You will love your boy just as much as you do your girl. I would seek some help from your MW or GP for the way you feel and particularly for your previous birth trauma as I imagine that is triggering a lot of your anxiety and feelings towards your current pregnancy. You're not the first and you won't be the last. There is help and support out there for you.

@Handsoffstrikesagain

hardback haha I have a strong suspicion you are right!

eggnog I am truly so sorry that you have gone through such pain and heartache. People that experience ‘gender disappointment’ at this level need to get a grip on reality and grow up

Do you say this about people suffering other manifestations of postnatal or prenatal depression? What about postnatal psychosis - I guess those people need to get a grip and ignore their hallucinations?

I’m shocked that after all the awareness raising of pre and postnatal depression and other mental health issues over the last decade that people still respond this way. Or is it only the socially acceptable manifestations of these mental health issues that warrant empathy?

Two girls like in Frozen??! You do remember Elsa locked herself in her room for most of their childhood, and their parents were dead? What part exactly of this childhood did you wish to replicate?

You know frozen is not a true story!! Seriously when your boy arrives you wouldn't swap him for a thousand girls. It's ok to be a bit disappointed but you may well have had a girl and been disappointed that you'd never have a son! You will love your son every bit as much as your daughter

And there are less fights between brother and sister than same sex sibling apparently! That is a bonus! Believe me I have three same sex and it can be hard!!!!

SM and Frozen style stuff has a lot to answer for.

How about we give a society where children aren't stereotyped in the womb, where no one says 'boys will be boys' or cries because they think their unborn child won't cuddle them because they have a penis, and where boys and girls are raised with the expectation that they will be held to equal standards of behaviour a go

A lot of parents do try very hard to raise their kids without gendered expectations.

But parents can only do so much. I’m sure most of us don’t want to give our girls pink sparkly shit or our boys yet another truck. But this is what many respond to. Or are you going to call us lazy parents?

A lot of this is not for lack of trying. I’m sure most parents don’t want to see their boys in jail, join a gang or end up homeless on the streets (to use extreme examples). This stuff doesn’t just happen to boys from ‘bad’ families although it might make you feel better to believe it.

This is beyond the OP’s post. I’m sure her little boy will be amazing and grow up to be a responsible member of society. Most little boys do.

But male violence is a real problem. It’s a problem in all societies across time and culture. You can’t wave it away and say it is a result of bad parenting and would not exist in your utopia.

There's a reason I said 'a society' not 'parenting', @UsedUpUsername - I agree that parents can't do it all, mostly because they're fighting against a constant tide of wider influences if they do try and be more gender neutral. But I don't see how we even start the process unless we at least try to not fix our expectations of our children from birth based on their genitals and if we refuse to acknowledge that our own prejudices and ingrained stereotypes - which we all have, because we were raised in this society, too - play a role. Going 'oh it's all innate anyway' is the least helpful possible response.

A lot of this is not for lack of trying. I’m sure most parents don’t want to see their boys in jail, join a gang or end up homeless on the streets (to use extreme examples). This stuff doesn’t just happen to boys from ‘bad’ families although it might make you feel better to believe it.

And while this is true - that these things do happen to families across the social spectrum - it's just disingenuous to pretend that they aren't strongly connected to poverty, deprivation and abuse in childhood - again, it's just burying your head in the sand and really unhelpful to pretend that your son becoming a criminal is just a randomly distributed misfortune that's equally likely to happen to anyone and so there's no point even looking at wider factors. Those factors go a long way beyond parenting so again it has to be seen on a societal not an individual level and blame isn't helpful, but nor is pretending that there are no underlying causes.

It's quite unpleasant to hear that this is the saddest you have been in your life OP, but maybe you are just over exaggerating or something? Bloody hell though, frozen?!

Anyway, I have two boys and they are completely and utterly different, so thee is no guarantee that two of the same sex will be the same or get along. I also have a daughter and when I was pregnant with her, deep down I wanted another boy. My reasons are a bit more complex than yours, I haven't seen my own mother in many years and she doesn't love me, so I worried that I couldn't love a daughter either. Anyway, there it is.

But she is a year old now and I have adored her since the minute she was born. She is the best thing ever and I can't believe how ridiculous I felt when I was pregnant.

You rarely if ever hear about people having gender disappointment after the baby is born, so focus on this and maybe try to count your blessings a bit rather than imagining your life is going to be like a Disney movie.

I'm incredibly close to my younger brother and
my son (5) and daughter (3) absolutely adore each other.

I understand your feelings to a degree as I would have liked two boys but one of each is fabulous and you'll love him exactly the same as your daughter when he's here

OP I've not RTFT because I can't be bothered with 14 pages of how you should just be grateful for a healthy baby and you don't know how lucky you are. I was the same with my second- had a girl, desperately wanted another boy, and I was gutted, absolutely gutted. I did bond with her, but it took a few months after she was born. Talk to your MW or HV if they're decent, they can help you

It's not the hugest leap in the world from "boys will be boys'" "it's what they are like, it's the testosterone" to regarding un-stereotypical boys/men as not really real men to be somehow a bit lacking, a bit gasp girly because they aren't running riot but prefer to sit quietly and colour in. Or that the girl who likes football or science or trucks isn't a proper girl (such a disappointment, she hates Frozen and never wears dresses).

Hi goodnessgracel, I was bitterly disappointed when I learned I was having a boy - especially as I knew that I would only be having one child. I had pictured all the wonderful things I would do with a girl; how close we would be; how in love we would be. I had a hard time growing up with an older brother and was dreading having a little boy. I felt so guilty and only ever told my mum. I felt like this pretty much up to my due date. Nothing was every going to change my mind.

Only something DID change my mind: he did. He 5 now and is the most loving, cuddly, gentle soul I have ever known. He loves flowers, and butterflies, and mummy. I’m a lone parent so have been able bring him up however I wanted - which means no shitty gender roles and expectations (which were exactly what I was projecting onto him in utero!). If he loved dinosaurs and trucks I would love him just the same. I honestly think you will look back on this and think the same too. You’re lucky as you have one of each, but if I was to have another now I swear I would not be desperate for a girl again like the first time around.

Just to add, while typing this he came up to me and said, “I love you mummy, we are BFFs!” and my heart just melted even more.

Ditch the gender stereotypes, wait and see and I PROMISE you you’ll feel just great. Congratulations x

I wanted girls-two would have been the dream
Boys just didn’t enter my head at all (I come from a family where boys outnumber the girls 4-1)
I got pregnant with a girl-over the moon-then pregnant again-boy
I was crushed-it sounds awful but I didn’t want blue,dinosaurs,trucks etc etc
I went on to have 4 more-3 more boys and then a girl
God my boys are so cuddly,they ring to check up on me-ask my advice over the daftest things-3 love shopping just as much as I do-they are just amazing men
I love them just as much as I love my girls-it didn’t matter once they where there-that first cuddle and I couldn’t have cared less if they where pink/blue/alien
Turns out not all girls like pink and princesses etc-my girls are much more ‘boy’ than my boys ever where-it was number 5 (boy) that loved pink,princesses,Barbie,dressing up in dresses etc-my girls just didn’t want to know
Please get some help-your not the first,you won’t be the last-and you will love him just as much as you love your daughter
Congratulations on your pregnancy by the way

Turns out not all girls like pink and princesses etc

Dd loved her brothers toys. She wasn’t really into dolls and girly toys.

So what are you going to do about these feelings Op? You say they are irrational but are not reacting to helpful suggestions about contacting your MW.
I'm a girl - I don't like frozen, pink stuff or Disney. Being a girl does not equal being cuddly and sweet. Let your child develop their own interests. My two boys like dinosaurs.
Imposing your own opinions on how your children are or should be will create the resentment you are feeling towards your own mother.

I very much wanted a girl when I became pregnant. Funnily enough, I didn't think about the gender when TTC. I was initially so disappointed on finding out it was a boy at 20 weeks, as I had built up a picture if our future 'mummy daughter' relationship, wanted to dress her in pink and bows etc.
My God, my DS is amazing. Cuddly, smart, beautiful, everything I could have ever wanted. Sometimes, a higher power knows what you need more than you do. I'm not religious but I just feel that fate is a powerful thing.

Sorry that should have been dont like dinosaurs

I’m really close to my brothers and my kids have gone on holiday with them and my parents without me. I know men who visit and care for their parents v regularly (probably less on the whole than women who do that, but you have a chance to impart those values). Your children are individuals so don’t worry about stereotypes.

I feel like your gender stereotyping is very intense though- eg you describe normal, cute toddler behaviour (your daughter stroking a teddy and role playing with it) and attributing that to girls, when both my boys did that kind of thing and it’s how a lot of toddlers tend to play. You’re looking at any of the positives of parenting and deciding they are all to do with parenting a girl, rather than just the experience of parenting that many of us have with girls or boys.

My DS (15) is far more affectionate and tactile than his sister. I love them both deeply. He's never hit anyone in his life, not into football, likes history and writing and foreign languages. We have amazing chats about everything.

It makes me so sad to see baby boys put into stereotypical categories before they're even born.

I have to say if you think little girls are all pink, barbies and tutus and boys cars, sport and tough love them I think you must be intellectually challenged. I feel sorry for you and them, mainly them.

No judgment at all from me. All I can say is you don’t know how things will be in the future. I get what you’re saying about having two girls as that would be lovely but coming from someone who has 2 boys and 1 girl and wasn’t bothered about the sex of any of my children when I was pregnant, I’m actually relieved now that I only have the 1 girl. Don’t get me wrong she is the easiest most laid back child out of the three, so to be fair having two of her would be a doddle, but seeing the lovely relationship she has with her brothers melts my heart. I am one of 4 girls and although I’m very close with one of my sisters I don’t get on with the other two and never have. They’re all about drama and are very bitchy and have been since we were kids. I didn’t really want that for my daughter. Her elder brother is really protective of her and they’re only 2 years apart so are very close and do a lot together. She is also really protective of her younger brother and she has a lot of time for him. She is very girly but also loves getting stuck in with the boys whether that be playing Xbox with her older brother or wrestling with her younger brother. Anyway sorry for making it about me I didn’t mean to. I’ve never been in your position so I couldn’t possibly understand how you feel but I wanted to try and make you see that things can turn out amazing in the end even if it wasn’t what you hoped for or expected in the beginning.

@ItsIgginningtolookalotlikeXmas

Walk into any classroom and you’ll note that boys cause the vast majority of disruptions Not in my classroom. Groups of 14 year old girls who have taken a dislike to you would be my personal bane - I'd say there's an even split of disruption from boys and girls overall, and that's many years of teaching experience.

Agreed. There are plenty of disaffected teenage girls out there too who disrupt lessons.