Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

I very much want my boy thanks - but when he was young if he hit or threw things or was in anyway unpleasant or violent he was told to stop. I didn't just shrug and say 'oh well boys will be boys'.

@UsedUpUsername
I suspect that a large proportion of those men in prison were allowed to run wild as children and be violent and disruptive whilst their parents excused it as boys being boys.

I love the feeling I got when she opened one of her xmas gifts early, a teddy, and cuddled him and fed him and stroked his head. She's so gentle and sweet and I feel like boys (sterotypically?) aren't.

In the main, Children are a product of their upbringing. If you teach them the be sweet, kind and caring then that's what they will be. You're at risk of projecting your stereotypes onto you son.

My little boy is the kindest, sweetest little thing. He's the first to look after people in his class if they're hurt or upset , tells me I'm the most beautiful mummy, gives the best hugs and kisses, loves music and dancing just as much as football..... I could go on.

Oh and my daughter barely slept her first year, had to be held or rocked but wasn't a very affectionate child. She likes a cuddle and a kiss but a fleeting one... My little boy insisted on being put down to sleep but is so, so affectionate. He likes to pull down my mask, give me a kiss and clap his hands. He loves cuddles and having his head rubbed. I am sure there will be a bit of rough and tumble, both my kids have a lot of energy but it does sound like your upbringing has filled you with a lot of preconceived notions which just don't really apply.

Boys are incredibly cuddly!! My DD was much more independent. Boys are also less complicated with friends etc. I adore my DD and DS and think I'm really lucky to have one of each.

OP, I had a MMC earlier this year. I used to think that I would've preferred a girl over a boy. However, I'd just be grateful to have a healthy happy bouncy baby regardless of gender.
DH and I were hoping to find out what we would've been having around Christmas time but we're not. Don't know if this sounds harsh, but look at the big picture and think of families who are struggling to conceive or going through a MC etc. You are SO LUCKY to be having a baby at all.

Walk into any classroom and you’ll note that boys cause the vast majority of disruptions. I mean, it’s not controversial in the least to say the jails are full of men, and men cause the most social disruption

Because men are “naturally” violent?

In which case why don’t all men behave like this? Why can some men reign in their “natural” urges and not hit, rape, murder or commit other crime?

Why is it the men in prisons are more likely to be from certain demographics? Less education, poor backgrounds etc?

Couldn’t possibly be due to upbringing, could it?

@Coffeeandcocopops

Boys and girls. Who cares. As long as the baby is healthy.

To all those mums with girls. At some stage you will be grateful that us mums of boys have raised kind and caring gentlemen when your princesses start dating those horrible boys. Let’s hope your daughters live up to my expectations 😂😂😂

Love this. Absolutely!

Please get some therapy op - it would be unfair to yourself not to. I think with the chance to talk through and understand your feelings, you can move through this and have an easier time of it.

You recognise that male/female stereotypes are just that - stereotypes. My ds13 isn't cuddly but he has been loving and protective of his brother since day 1 and there is only 2.3years between them.

He is really similar to me in personality (I would say I fit more male stereotypes) and we have a good laugh together and find each other easy company. We both love to look after people and protect and care for them so he has been the easiest child to parent. People always compliment me on his behaviour but it isn't my parenting it's just who he is. I'm pretty sure he will visit me in the retirement home too

@KeepSmiling89

OP, I had a MMC earlier this year. I used to think that I would've preferred a girl over a boy. However, I'd just be grateful to have a healthy happy bouncy baby regardless of gender. DH and I were hoping to find out what we would've been having around Christmas time but we're not. Don't know if this sounds harsh, but look at the big picture and think of families who are struggling to conceive or going through a MC etc. You are SO LUCKY to be having a baby at all.

I am so sorry for your loss, I know how painful that is. However, people having it worse than you doesn’t mean you can’t be upset about things that are less serious, otherwise none of us could ever be upset about anything - there’s always someone worse off.

My twins are both disabled and can’t do many things that other parents take for granted like speak / communicate - that doesn’t mean my friends aren’t allowed to find it difficult when their twins are constantly shouting, demanding, asking for things constantly. Even though I would love my boys to be able to ask me for something, I can understand that it must be wearing to be talked at in stereo all day every day.

OP has had severe PND, and is clearly struggling, and is acknowledging that her upset isn’t a rational response. It’s how she feels though, and she should be able to talk about it without being told others have bigger problems. It’s clear that some of the reassurance here is helping her. I understand if you find it offensive that anyone could be upset about such things but that doesn’t make the feelings go away, they are just bottled up and worsen.

I know gender disappointment is real, but rather than project the thought of not bonding and antenatal depression, I would look to start therapy again so your head is in a better place for when your baby boy arrives.

I have a 2.5 year old DD who is very active and loves dinosaurs and trucks. I can't get a hairbrush through her hair - each child is completely different.

I hope you are able to accept this with time.

@bluebluezoo

Walk into any classroom and you’ll note that boys cause the vast majority of disruptions. I mean, it’s not controversial in the least to say the jails are full of men, and men cause the most social disruption

Because men are “naturally” violent?

In which case why don’t all men behave like this? Why can some men reign in their “natural” urges and not hit, rape, murder or commit other crime?

Why is it the men in prisons are more likely to be from certain demographics? Less education, poor backgrounds etc?

Couldn’t possibly be due to upbringing, could it?

I know mothers who did everything right and still have a rude, violent son. Yet the parents always get the blame.

It’s not controversial to suggest men are more violent. Across cultures and history, this has always been true.

Yet say this about boys and people suddenly can’t handle the truth. We aren’t blank slates

My ds is 14 months and his 2 current favourite activities are kissing and dancing! Boys are wonderful!

Imagine never having a daughter to start with 🤷‍♀️

Agree that you should restart your therapy. Imagine someone saying that about your dd Good luck op.

We aren’t blank slates

But we are heavily influenced by stereotypes and societal expectations as well as where we live and the education you received.

Walk into any classroom and you’ll note that boys cause the vast majority of disruptions
Not in my classroom. Groups of 14 year old girls who have taken a dislike to you would be my personal bane - I'd say there's an even split of disruption from boys and girls overall, and that's many years of teaching experience.

But we are heavily influenced by stereotypes and societal expectations as well as where we live and the education you received

This. Not all violence is a product of parenting, but that doesn’t mean it’s inherent.

Peer groups, schools, tv, society in general all shape and mould us.

Because gender stereotyping and external influence starts before we are even born, there is no way to tell what is nature and what is nurture.

Yet say this about boys and people suddenly can’t handle the truth. We aren’t blank slates

How about we give a society where children aren't stereotyped in the womb, where no one says 'boys will be boys' or cries because they think their unborn child won't cuddle them because they have a penis, and where boys and girls are raised with the expectation that they will be held to equal standards of behaviour a go, and then decide whether or not gender differences are innate?

I'm one of 7, I love my brothers and have amazing relationships with all of them. One of my sisters I cannot stand and the other I am civil with. Not already guaranteed to get on.

Seriously you need to grow the fuck up and instead of being ungrateful that you're having a healthy Baby boy. Start being grateful that you're able to have a Baby at all because believe me if you'd gone through 18 years of infertility and then lost 4 Babies once you had managed to fall to pregnant you would be thankful to have a Baby boy in your arms. As a few people have mentioned it's always Boys people are disappointed with when finding out what they're having

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Well said hardback. It takes a special kind of thicko to think that all girls will like Frozen, baking and princesses (btw, why do these people care? I’m assuming they are grown adults that don’t sit around watching Frozen all day?). It’s pathetic.

I suspect that the overlap in the Venn diagram between 'has heavily gendered expectations of children' and 'is an adult who is into Disney' is quite large...

OP I just want to say, I have three boys all close in age and also a girl who is quite a bit younger than her brothers. My boys as babies and toddlers were just as loving, gentle, nurturing and sensitive as my girl. They can be a bit more physical with each other rough and tumbling but I think that's more their closeness in age to each other than anything else. Now my oldest is 12, we bake together, pick out cushions, laugh about the same things. My middle boy is just the most gorgeously sweet sensitive soul and I feel blessed to have him in my life. My youngest boy is alive with creativity he is a true artist. They make me count my lucky stars every day that I am their mum, I could not be prouder. Break away from those gender stereotyped shackles of older generations and believe all of us that are telling you that whichever version of baby you have it matters not a jot. They will be a blessing and a joy and when he is finally here you will feel thankful and wonder why on earth you ever doubted that having your baby boy would be a bad thing.