Absolutely gutted over gender disappointment

[goodnessgracel]

Second time mum here. Just found out I'm having a boy and I'm gutted, never felt so sad. Please no judgment as I feel awful enough as it is that I just can't be happy to be pregnant.

I had a truly awful pregnancy with my DD and missed a lot of her first year due to PND. Worst thing I ever went through. Through a lot of therapy I finally became brave enough to try again. I felt this could be a healing experience as well.

What I didn't know is that I had this preconceived fantasy in my head all along. I so desperately wanted a girl with all my heart. I wanted a sister for my daughter and imagined two beautiful girls like in the movie Frozen, I must sound daft. I wanted two girls at the dinner table and two girls to talk to when they're grown. I imagined giving birth to another beautiful girl and healing from my horrible PPD and experience i had the first time. I love my daughter and I love being a mum to a girl. I know I can bond with a girl. I only realised all this once we found out the gender, that I had been cooking this all up in my head all along! Never really, critically thought about how I'd feel if it was a boy.

I'm gutted. So gutted. Afraid I won't be able to bond with him. Gutted that my daughter and him won't enjoy a close relationship as they would if I had 2 of the same. Been crying all day and I feel like an awful human being. I don't like the dinosaurs, trucks, active personality that comes with raising boys, yes its all a stereotype I am sure but each little boy I know fits it. Will he be too busy to cuddle like my daughter does, will we be close when he's older. I am heartbroken.

Please, has anyone felt this way and does it ever go away? I can't help but feel I've ruined it all.

Everyone I know that has boys and boys/girls together says Boys are so much more affectionate than girls.

My girls are brilliant (of course!) but bicker like fuck and have both become daddy's girls.

All the boys I know are very close to their mums and cuddle well into their teens!

Have faith that you will come to adore this baby and a few months in I doubt you'll think about this. And not all boys are of the thuggish variety! They're all different, just as girls are. Mine are chalk and cheese.

Congratulations. And no point beating yourself up over these feelings. They will go away though.

Pregnancy hormones are playing with your brain op. He will be gorgeous!

Did you find out the sex with your first? I remember my dsis saying she wasn’t sure she would know what to do with a girl, having previously had a boy. But she was of course absolutely fine and is glad to have one of each.

I can understand how you are feeling as as a mum of only boys, I am a little jealous that you have a girl. However, my boys are super cuddly and kiss me all the time. They always hold my hands and snuggle for cuddles. Children's interests are often driven by siblings so if your daughter is into frozen then it is highly likely your little boy will be too. I don't have any sisters but I have one brother and we are very very close so don't assume they won't be close. Get some help before bubba comes along because you don't want these feelings to intensify before he is here.

Your poor baby😔
You need help op

I have two boys.

Neither are stereotypical. They are very; very loving; very open with me; the absolute lights of my life.

I went to an all girls school, had a sister, no real friends who were boys, a mum who had been one of two girls too. My mum was a little like how you describe YOUR mum. In fact, she was disappointed that my second was a boy. She thought it would be nicer if I had a girl. I think she likes girls clothes more etc etc.

Now she absolutely loves my DS2! She is besotted with him.

My boys makes me laugh every day. Some of the things we enjoy together are:

Cosmic kids yoga
Baking
Cooking
Sewing
Playing
Painting
Junk modelling
Bike rides
Playing with our cat and dog
Nice walks
Jigsaws
Board games
Being read to
Cars (just like Daddy!)
Playing in the garden
Growing fruit and vegetables
Playmobil
Lego
Origami
BRIO
Science experiment kits
Painting
Colouring
Music and singing
Paw Patrol
Dinosaurs
Transformers

Have you noticed I didn't mention football? They do have an England kit each and goal in yet garden for when we have a kick around but they aren't more bothered than that.

Get some counselling, start to enjoy the idea of a little boy, look at pinterest for boy nursery ideas, look for boy outfits from some lovely websites......your little boy will open up your world and your hearts. He is a blessing x

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time - However I’m afraid I agree you need to seek urgent therapy to help you through this as I can’t help you make sense of it because it doesn’t make sense and I think you may be suffering from some MH issues.

For what it’s worth I have one of each and they are each separately amazing.

My nine year old still takes his monkey to bed and can’t bear to part with any of his twenty or so most precious soft toys from babyhood

My 18yo still takes his penguin to bed. He recently got his girlfriend’s gran to patch him up a little. When his girlfriend isn’t staying over, he sleeps with his arm around the penguin

You get to experience being a mother of a daughter and a son!
I love my daughters but would have quite liked to experience a mother son relationship.
Also as we enter puberty with the first of 3 girls, I can tell you girls can be hard!
You know you are being unreasonable so I encourage you to go and talk it through with someone. You can readjust your fantasy in your mind.

My boys do hit each other with all sorts of stuff. They wrestle, weve ended up in A&E a few times, as have my friends who have two boys. So boys are certainly more physical. I guess having a girl might night help abate that, or else they’ll just start whacking each other with teddies and teapots.

Good luck!

Just wait until your boy arrives.

You will look back on this thread and feel completely mortified.

I had a girl first time around. Boy second time - I had no idea about boys when I was told, I hate all boys toys etc and wondered how the experience would be. As a baby I can tell you it's absolutely no different. How many times do you get people saying is it a boy or girl...they look and act the same. You will love the character, not the gender. My DD is now a teen and my boy 11....he gives me so much more love and cuddles. I understand what they mean about 'mummy's boys'. Even my friends with 2 girls - the girls have their own sets of friends, they are not joined at the hip.

Projecting and imagining future life can only go so far. Take it day by day

Not rtft. I wanted girls. I have boys. I am so thankful for that. My youngest has a taggie he carries it with him and snuggles it at night. We have so many cuddles its crazy. He is only 2 but likes to tuck me in at night for cuddles. If one of them cries the other immediately goes to cuddle them and check they're ok and get a plaster etc to make them better. They have energy but so do girls. They like boy toys but trust me boy toys are super fun. You'll see. At nursery they tell me how the girls push the boys over sometimes and are bossy. The boys are so much more chilled.

They will be close if you bring them up that way. If you are cuddly they will be. You're mum has done a number on you. Trust me he will be your special boy who will amaze you everyday once you get to know him.

@goodnessgracel

I know this all sounds extreme and I'm quite ashamed. I think it comes from my upbringing, my mum was always going off about how she was so happy she never had boys and how girls were the only ones visiting their parents in the retirement home she worked at. I struggle knowing whether or not her observation had any truth. My daughter is such a quiet, sweet cuddle bug and I just have this vision of a boy running wild around the house and slamming doors and throwing die cast trucks like my friends DS was doing last weekend. I don't think it's fair to him that I feel this way and it makes me feel awful, but I can't help this reaction and it makes me feel worse.

Just because your DD is sweet and cuddly, it doesn't guarantee a second DD would be the same. My eldest DD is like this, but my youngest is completely different. She's loud, she's always on the go and runs around in a Batman costume. Love her to bits but she is not your typical girl Also, my nephew is not a typical boy. He is gentle, thoughtful and kind. I certainly never witnessed him throwing cars or anything similar when I looked after him. I'm sure as soon as you meet him all this disappointment will fade.

I have two boys and they are the most affectionate, loving, sweet little things. They follow me around demanding kisses and hugs all day (it honestly can get a bit overwhelming). Yesterday the 4yo spent ages brushing my hair and making me "look like a princess". They also play trains and dinosaurs and football. Kids are kids. I really don't think sex makes much difference, at least not during the baby/toddler/primary years in my experience. And I often see on here the "girls are closer to their family" thing but anecdotally the only people I know who are no contact with some relatives are women. And also ime boys seem to live at home a lot longer than girls, who are often more independent from a younger age. Obviously these are generalisations based on people I know but it shows that the stereotypes aren't true.

Another thread has just reminded me we haven’t done enough hand wringing about being the dreaded MIL yet. All we’ve done is concentrate on the fighting, wrestling and wrecking of tea parties/barbies.

You will have to play second fiddle to the wife/girlfriend. You won’t be able to go wedding dress shopping with her unless invited and of course won’t get such a strong relationship with the grand child(REN) due to her own mother muscling in first. Awful. Just awful.

My boys do hit each other with all sorts of stuff. They wrestle, weve ended up in A&E a few times, as have my friends who have two boys. So boys are certainly more physical. I guess having a girl might night help abate that, or else they’ll just start whacking each other with teddies and teapots

Please stop saying shit like this.

What sort of parent are you that lets your childrens ”wrestling” and hitting each other land them in a&e more than once?

This isn’t a “boy” thing, it’s a parent thing. Discipline them and stop letting them hit each other.

One of mine is very physical and has a tendency to hit. Guess what? She gets punished every time. Every time. She has never landed anyone in a&e.

This is the issue with gender stereotyping. This behaviour in girls is stamped on and controlled. Boys it’s a shrug and “just what boys do”.

There’s no point sugar coating it. Boys hit each other with stuff. I watch all the kids in Reception playing together while we queue and guess what, they hit each other with stuff 🤭. There are a cohort within the school that regularly get Time Out and the parents get letters and phone calls. THEY ARE THE BOYS 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I know the parents. We talk. Weirdly my child is an angel at school.

The problem is you have got your hopes to high.... there’s only a 50/50 chance either way.

Relax. Congratulations I think a boy and girl is the perfect mix. They will still play together and he can look after her. I’m 3 years older then DB but he always looked after me & still does.

My boys do hit each other with all sorts of stuff. They wrestle, weve ended up in A&E a few times, as have my friends who have two boys

Your kids sound out of control

@justanotherneighinparadise

There’s no point sugar coating it. Boys hit each other with stuff. I watch all the kids in Reception playing together while we queue and guess what, they hit each other with stuff 🤭. There are a cohort within the school that regularly get Time Out and the parents get letters and phone calls. THEY ARE THE BOYS 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I know the parents. We talk. Weirdly my child is an angel at school.

All the boys do? Or just the ones whose parents say crap like 'boys hit each other with stuff' as if that's just the end of the matter?

The only time DS has ever been properly hurt by another child it was a girl - I don't think 'girls push other children off slides', I think that sometimes young children need help learning boundaries of physical play and that whether they have male or female genitals they should be taught very early that hurting others is completely unacceptable.

@welliguessitwouldbenice

My boys do hit each other with all sorts of stuff. They wrestle, weve ended up in A&E a few times, as have my friends who have two boys

Your kids sound out of control

They are!!!! That’s what I’m telling you. It’s all the testosterone in them.

Or because you seem to have given up on parenting them because they were born with penises...

My son is so affectionate. He cuddles me and kisses me goodnight, I still tuck him in, he snuggles up on the sofa with me, tells me he loves me. You can have a boy like that. The most important thing is you show him how lovely boys and men behave and don't assume he'll be different. Don't do the "boys will be boys" crap or treat him differently to a girl. Someone said to me when I had my daughter "oh how lovely, now you'll be able to have conversations?!" My son was 3 at this point and I remember looking at him and being positive I was going to be able to have conversations with both my kids. And I can - they are lovely (at 10 and 13).

@justanotherneighinparadise

There’s no point sugar coating it. Boys hit each other with stuff. I watch all the kids in Reception playing together while we queue and guess what, they hit each other with stuff 🤭. There are a cohort within the school that regularly get Time Out and the parents get letters and phone calls. THEY ARE THE BOYS 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I know the parents. We talk. Weirdly my child is an angel at school.

Oh god I hate this. My boy is not like this. You don't have to raise as though this is a given!