School head ordered my daughter to sit on her own

[coclala]

My 3 year old daughter woke up and asked for milk. Then she told me something and I am stunned.
She has a very close friend at school. She almost only play with her. In the parents meeting last week, her class teacher mentioned nothing more than she and that girl had a great relationship. In the meeting there was also head of pre school. The following is from my daughter : Today, the head came into her class and ask her to move to another table to separate her and her best friend. My daughter said no. Then she was asked to sit on her own. My daughter was scared to tell me that the head asked her to move the table. I was getting very emotional.

If you were me, how would you react?

I want to have a chat with the head tomorrow morning and ask her why she wanted to separate my daughter and her best friend before I send my daughter in. I guess we may have to change school if the chat was unsuccessful.

So, like you, I was an avid child-psych book-reader, including the book you mention.

My only solution, or so I believed at the time, was a tough one: I gave up my full time job in order to look after my DC myself. IF you want a close amount of control input over your DC, then keep her at home for another year...

The fact that you're upset with the teachers and don't think they're doing a good job speaks volumes.

Solution two: yes, look around for another school. Though that may be equally discombobulating to your child.

Or just leave things be. I can honestly say that, in fact, none of the shit I worried about was all that important... every single one of us has probably fallen out with a childhood friend or been told to do something we didn't like by a teacher - just part of life. It is only in very bad, cruel, abusive, situations that things really matter long-term. Probably at age 3 (maybe at any age) the main things are sleep, good food and fresh air and, bonus, a parent/adult who empathises and is kind.

I think my neurons aren't working properly, I can't really understand your post OP

You're coming over a little tiger mom-ish, might it be worth considering just letting her be a small child in a more relaxed setting?

It sounds like the setting is far more formal than I would like for a 3 year old... but that's personal preference.

Also I think you buy into a certain ethos with some private schools. So you may not be heard if you want changes for your daughter.

I would like to help her to integrate her emotional and logical brain from a young age and hope her neuron fire and connect in an intelligent way that she will think positively and happily on her own.

Seriously- step away from the psychobabble books and lead your daughter by setting her a good example- i.e. by not overreacting to the slightest thing. And you can't suddenly decide that every teacher has to exude constant passion and smiliness just because you have had a child. Your child will spend her life surrounded by normal, fallible human beings. It's your job to help her get used to that.

What is 'neuron fire' anyway?

I'm ever so confused now. So was it the head moving the daughter or the daughter making the third child move and getting into trouble for it?

OP, what did the teacher say when you asked why your daughter was moved by the head?

You only seem to have two posts on this thread and unless there's a missing link I'm lost as to what armchair psychology books and neurons have got to do with a 3 year old moving tables.

If you didn't think the teachers looked very happy at this school why did you choose it?

If you are not happy and paying for it then stop.

I am work in a senior position at an outstanding (state) school. I showed a family around who took far longer (1.5 hours) than any other family. They spent most of their time talking about mental health and well being etc. The child has been with us for quite a few years now and I can honestly say that this amount of focus on books, theories and links to emotions is having a significant impact on their child. I am not saying don't think about it but please try to apply some logic to it. Have appropriate reactions for appropriate scenarios and whilst and try to have fun as a parent. Sometimes your instincts rather than books and theories is what your child needs.

I noticed that your thread title says " ordered", whereas your post says the Head "asked".

There's a lot of difference between those two meanings OP. How did you conclude that your dd was " ordered" ?

You’re way overthinking a minor interaction your child had.

My daughter was scared to tell me that the head asked her to move the table. I was getting very emotional.

OP, only just seen this from your initial post. This is actually quite worrying. Your 3yo dd is already scared about telling you about an incident in her day that was probably quite innocent and where your job was to reassure her. She was scared because you were getting emotional.

It's not the head who is causing damage here: it is your excessive reaction and the fact that your dd is already beginning to feel responsible for that reaction. This has to change! 3yos need to feel that parents are big, strong, unshakeable people who can show them that the everyday world is nothing to be scared about. Otherwise her neuron connections (or whatever) are going to be all over the place. Fake it until you make it but do not put this burden on your dd.

You are already THAT PARENT!!

Bonkers🙈

Dd1 when she was three told me a very detailed story about how she wasn't able to join in with the weekly music class at nursery one week, how she was taken to another room and brought back once it was finished and she missed her friends and having fun. It was utter bollocks. Obviously I checked whether there had been a problem with the payment which meant she couldnt take part or something. No, it was just a complete lie.

Three year olds make things up all the time, it takes work to get them to understand why it is wrong and that it can get them or other people in to trouble etc

These are very complex dynamics for a group of three year olds!

I agree I overthinking but not overdoing.

Before I picked my daughter up, I read all you messages. Different opinions. Some very good suggestions. Thanks ladies.

I spoke to my daughter's best friend mum this morning. She said her daughter didn't want to go to school today until she mentioned my daughter's name. She adores the pair's friendship. She suggested to meet up for outdoor play during holidays.

We went together to have a few words with their teacher at the school gate. I said like one post suggested here - it might be her imagination. I wanted to clarify what happened. I didn't mention the head. I just said my daughter was asked to sit away from her best friend then sat alone at the snack table. The teacher said yes. When they giggled and made noise (but not disruptive), they would ask them to settle on different tables. My daughter would say no and ask if she could sit on the snack table. They would say - feel free to sit on the snack table. Then my daughter would put her head down and walked to the table and sat there on her own for a while. Teacher also said they would never separate them for long.

Jealous game? I meant this. My daughter would play with another kid to get her best friend jealous. They do this to each other.

I thought these psychology parenting books are bibles. Ladies you think they are not practical? They read too much into our behaviours? I see there are teachers here to leave comments. I assume you must have lots of experiences deal with these Minor ( I see bigger) issues. You think just wait and see, relax and chill? Believe that our kids could figure out naturally?

Children need guidance from their parents.

If she was upset about being moved than the reaction should be, well what happened before that? Was you being silly?

You won’t believe this but teachers don’t generally move children who are well behaved, and as children the teachers expect some behavior as they are young and just learning. Making a mistake isn’t unexpected. They learn from those.

I think the best friend thing is creepy at this age and you should encourage your DD to make more friends and I wouldn’t refer to Thai child as ‘best’ as that suggested she’s above all others.

Stop using the books as bibles. Even if you agree with the general theories, they are principles not diktats.

Might be worth leaving the books alone for a while....

The teacher used "Best Friends" all the time. I inherited it.

Yes, teacher here. I would 100% relax and chill. And take the parenting books with a massive pinch of salt.

My understanding of it is that the girls were being loud (and three year olds can be incredibly loud) they were asked to sit separately. Then your dd was upset - as is normal for 3 year olds - and had a little sulk.

This is such an everyday event in a classroom, it really is. Learning to sit calmly with a peer is all part of school readiness. And it is entirely appropriate to ask the girls to sit separately at times, that's another thing they have to learn - can't always be with your best mate and it's unhealthy for them to focus on one person all the time. When they fight - which all kids do - they'll be snookered socially if they haven't played/sat with anyone else.

To respond just to the point about books: it's so tempting to think there is one perfect way to raise a child and if you read the right guidance, everything will go perfectly. But you already know that real life isn't like that.

During the pandemic, so many of the ways you might normally get gentle advice or reassurance are hard to access (school gate chats, activity groups, etc) so it's natural to turn online or to books. But sometimes that can end up magnifying an issue that would have resolved on its own, or "seeing" a problem or condition that isn't really there.

For example, the whole brained child? Great book. I know lots of people who have read it - what we all have in common is that they read it due to specific concerns about sensory processing or other possible challenges their child was experiencing.

If your child seems to developing in a neuro-typical way and is a happy and loving child, then I would say just try to relax and enjoy being her parent. Pour out your attention on her, listen to her, laugh with her, cuddle her respond to her curiosity and encourage her to wonder. But at the same time, don't lose yourself - take breaks, look after yourself, talk to your friends, keep up your own interests where you can.

I thought these psychology parenting books are bibles

Oh my, that's so wrong, do you have friends with young children? It's really not normal to bring up children by a textbook.

🙄

You do realise OP, that in about 3 months time (give or take) the kids will have wandered off. Your daughter will be best mates with some scruffy kid who picks his nose.