Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

At 18 he would usually be heading off to university so presumably capable of coping without his parents

I think the examples of 16 and 17 year olds you know are not typical. Loads of 18 year olds have significant wobbles at university and aren’t as independent as you think they are. Given that this nearly 18 year old is doing resits shows that he is already struggling. Abandoning him to live abroad will give him the message that he isn’t as important as the rest of the family.

The points about student finance are important as well. It will probably affect his and the girls’ home status, so instead of being able to get a loan for the UK tuition fees it will cost you a lot more in fees. Currently tuition fees for UK residents are £9,250 a year. For overseas students it is currently £23.400 a year for the course that DD is doing.

Doesn’t sound like it’s your burden to bear, sounds like it’s being passed onto your son to deal with instead,

The way you write about your husband is like you have no power. Your son lost his father, you married a man who doesn't like him and now you want to move to another country and leave him behind when he's still in education.

Poor kid. Perhaps he would be better off with his uncle because it sounds like he's a bit of an inconvenience to you

Money doesn't trump time spent with my son. Just my opinion. You've got to do what you think is right for your family

Do not go to the ME with any man unless you have complete faith in him, his prioritising you and the dc, and the integrity of your relationship. Going with a man you feel you 'have' to stay is a terrible mistake.

Taking your DDs to the ME is likely to be a big mistake.

Leaving your DS is a big mistake, forget university for now, you need to get him through his A levels. Why is he re sitting?

Hey, @steppemum, stop -- you're totally exploding the OP's unbreakable financial alibi which means she absolutely has to leave her son behind to retake his exams while she and the more portable DDs follow a thoroughly unpleasant-sounding man to the ME, or face a Magically Bigger University Fees bill.

I'd be interested in why the OP thinks that her two daughters, who will also have been out of the UK for some time before (presumably) also applying for UK universities. Or does she think they won't go to anywhere expensive because they're girls?

@HardlyEver

Hey, *@steppemum*, stop -- you're totally exploding the OP's unbreakable financial alibi which means she absolutely has to leave her son behind to retake his exams while she and the more portable DDs follow a thoroughly unpleasant-sounding man to the ME, or face a Magically Bigger University Fees bill.

I'd be interested in why the OP thinks that her two daughters, who will also have been out of the UK for some time before (presumably) also applying for UK universities. Or does she think they won't go to anywhere expensive because they're girls?

My guess is that since the daughters are the “pride and joy”, their uni fees will be paid for with this large new salary. Unlike the poor boy’s.

@corythatwas

Soooo, OP, what you are actually proposing to tell your son is: "The rest of us are all moving to the Middle East because your stepfather can't be without his daughters, but I don't feel that way about you nor does anybody else, so you'll just have to cope as best you can."

That's nice

This is absolutely it.

I note OP didn't acknowledge people's very sensible warnings about women's rights in the ME. I wouldn't voluntarily move my daughters to a country in which they do not have equal rights by law. For their sake when it comes to their self worth and also because OP will have less rights than here should she want to, for example, leave the country with her children if she hates it there. Particularly prudent to be mindful of that when her DH clearly believes he has the right to make unilateral decisions that suit his preferences rather than the whole family's.

You would be hugely letting your son down if you go through with this OP. He lost one parent, gained a step parent who he will know doesn't like him and now his one remaining parent is choosing to move across the world with the person who doesn't like him.

He's 18, he's had a rough time of it and this next year or two will change his life - if he gets his qualifications he will have more opportunities to choose from for the rest of his life.

It's beyond me that you could be considering this at all, let alone with the women's rights issues.

It's so sad.

"I guess it's my burden to bear"

What an absolute crock of shite. You're an adult who is choosing to stay in this situation, to the severe detriment of at least one of your kids.

Your son is the one who's been bearing the burden of Least Favoured Child for years. You and your husband between you have put that burden on him and given him no choice about bearing it.

(Also, quick rule of thumb here: if your marriage is a "burden" to you, then it's definitely not doing your kids any good at all. So don't kid yourself that you're doing it for their sake. Look at what all 3 of your children are learning about family dynamics, ready to imitate in their future relationships.)

I can’t believe this is still going.

@ConflictedMummy what you are suggesting isn’t that unusual, my daughters forma boarding school is full of teens who have either come over as an international student, are children of forces parents and I know of two teens who with a relative whilst the parent or parents are overseas working.

One friend lives in USA to support her husband whilst their son is at boarding school school and she flies over to get him for school holidays, the reasons are they don’t want to interrupt their education.

I’d worry because this is a resit so he will likely benefit from the extra support of his family, it also depends on the relationship, I get on much better with my aunt than my mother and would have loved living with her growing up! The other reason to worry is he wants to go with you, so how much would that impact his mental health being left behind, not sure I’d want to risk it.

@ConflictedMummy what you are suggesting isn’t that unusual, my daughters forma boarding school is full of teens who have either come over as an international student, are children of forces parents and I know of two teens who with a relative whilst the parent or parents are overseas working.

So that makes it OK then?
This boy isn't them

Read the last paragraph Gin.

'I’d worry because this is a resit so he will likely benefit from the extra support of his family, it also depends on the relationship, I get on much better with my aunt than my mother and would have loved living with her growing up! The other reason to worry is he wants to go with you, so how much would that impact his mental health being left behind, not sure I’d want to risk it.'

I agree with this.

Okay, so this thread is truly riled up, sorry about that. I would just like to say that I am the DS in this situation and I wanted to know what other people thought about this decision my mum made not too long ago. I wrote it from the perspective of my mum to get genuine answers I guess and also to try and rationalise it from her perspective (basically putting myself in her shoes). Because tbh as many have pointed out my extended family are quite toxic and they all encouraged my mum to go abroad as life would be better for them etc... tbh I do wish that my mum was the one posting this so she can get some meaningful advice for once.

Anyway... I didn't expect this thread to blow up like this so I thought it's only fair to give some closure.

It depends on how your son feels, if he had passed his A-levels he might have been away for a term at a time at university or six months travelling. He’s 18, he is an adult.

@ConflictedMummy are they going then? How do you feel about it all?

Your dh should go alone and you stay with kids. Spend holiday together. Your dh can afford muliple air fare trips back with his triple pay. You cannot seriously put extra money above your children's education.

Has your mum already left you?

It’s a reverse I didn’t expect to come!

I think she did the wrong thing in leaving you. I’m sorry this happened.

Thank you TicTac.

@ConflictedMummy sorry to read your update, really not sure what to say. I moved out of home when I was 17 due to lots of reasons including it being toxic, but it meant I couldn’t finish my education (I did eventually go do Uni in my late 20s) it was the making of me but I had a supportive boyfriend and his family at the time. Do you have any other support?

Oh sweetheart don't apologise, hope you're ok, I imagine people wouldn't have been as blunt if they knew this

Your dh sounds incredibly selfish. Puts his own interest above your ds and his dd's. Does he understand what a restrictive life women live in ME? It sounds like your ds really needs your support. If you dump him on his uncle he is unlikely to ever forgive you.

Op I’m not surprised it blew up, you deserve so much more support from your mum and stepdad

Have you even considered you ds will be.misding his friends who have gone to uni and he is left behind with a younger year group and probably few friends if any. Now you are planning to abandon him too. He has probably had a miserable life because you chose to have this man in your life even though he did not get on with your child. When I remarried it was a case of if you want me you make my kids happy too and if not you will go. Since this poor boys Dad has died has anyone ever put him first?

Cripes. I didn't see that coming. I hope it is working out for you OP. Please try your very best not let your mum's and stepdad's decisions affect your life negatively.

@ConflictedMummy

Okay, so this thread is truly riled up, sorry about that. I would just like to say that I am the DS in this situation and I wanted to know what other people thought about this decision my mum made not too long ago. I wrote it from the perspective of my mum to get genuine answers I guess and also to try and rationalise it from her perspective (basically putting myself in her shoes). Because tbh as many have pointed out my extended family are quite toxic and they all encouraged my mum to go abroad as life would be better for them etc... tbh I do wish that my mum was the one posting this so she can get some meaningful advice for once.

Anyway... I didn't expect this thread to blow up like this so I thought it's only fair to give some closure.

First - don't apologise!

Second - are they going, and when? The uncle - is he going to be any actual use to you?

You've been dealt a bad hand here OP, but this is a forum with lots of skilled people on it; if you have any specific questions you want to bounce off people, here is a good place to ask.