Should I leave DS with his uncle so he can finish A-Levels here?

[ConflictedMummy]

Hi all. I have a dilemma, DH has found a new job in the middle-east where he’ll receive almost triple the salary he’s receiving now. DS, who’s 18, is currently doing his A-Levels and he will stay with his uncle if we go. The reason we can’t take him is because he has another 2 years of A-Levels and if we take him with us he can’t get student finance to go to uni. We are bringing our 2 DDs but they are still in school

@ZolaGrey

My god I am so sick of people staying with partners "for the children" it is such a fucking spineless cop out.

As a grown up child of parents like this , I agree. The rows were horrendous.

If he’s still at school/college, even though he’s 18, he will still be on the list.

Safeguarding goes on until they leave school. I’ve taught y14’s who’ve repeated yr 13. They are still subject to it.

I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear

Bullshit. I struggle to believe that any decent human being would come out with such self centred garbage.

It's not for the children's sake, it's for your own selfish reasons.

And it's not your burden, it's the burden of your son who has been failed by you for the last 13 years and is about to be failed all over again.

Good way to fuck up his future and ensure he cuts you out of his life as an adult. Well done.

@3rdNamechange

I've seen divorces happen when their children are adults and when they discover that essentially their entire childhood was a sham, it's devastating. And like you said, living in that environment as a child must be horrendous.

I just don't think children should grow up with this martyred "it's my burden to shoulder, for the sake of the children" when actually it's because one or both of the parents haven't got the bollocks to actually make a change so everyone has a shot at being happy.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

If he’s still at school/college, even though he’s 18, he will still be on the list.

Safeguarding goes on until they leave school. I’ve taught y14’s who’ve repeated yr 13. They are still subject to it.

well, ds best friend was having horrendous rows with his father. One night his dad punched him. friend is 18. he decided to leave home. Asked school and SS for help and was told

1. SS not interested he is over 18, so no access to half way house, suport, fostering. Nothing zilch.
2. School can't help, fight is between 2 adults, if he wants to do anything, phone police, but as they were arguing, unlikely that they will press charges
3. No, school could not help with allowing him to work from his uncle's house (too far to come in every day). If he didn't come in to school on Monday morning he would be considered as unauthorised absence.

This was in September this year.
So my limited experience says that while school may be concerned and give support, etc, he will not be on SS list. They are no longer involved post 18.

Agree with previous posters. The OP isn’t staying with her DH for the children. She’s staying as it’s a cushy life for her and she gets to swan round the Middle East being a lady who lunches rather than parenting ALL her children. If she was a decent mother she’d have put her foot down years ago and not picked her dh over her ds.

How about you put your son first for a change ?

Who in earth would take their female children to the ME ?

I'd leave my DH if he even suggested that I leave my son behind.

I’m only speaking from a teaching experience.

I don’t know about SS involvements or stuff like that. I just know they are on all safeguarding lists until they leave school.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

If he’s still at school/college, even though he’s 18, he will still be on the list.

Safeguarding goes on until they leave school. I’ve taught y14’s who’ve repeated yr 13. They are still subject to it.

Safeguarding is not the same thing as being a LAC. He will not be a LAC at 18 or 19 because he is not a child. Safeguarding is activity undertaken to keep people safe from harm, abuse and neglect. In terms of statutory responsibilities and duties, we are usually talking about children and vulnerable adults, also described as 'adults at risk'. OP's son seems unlikely, going by the information posted, to meet the definition of an adult at risk as given by the Care Act 2014: An adult at risk is any person who is aged 18 years or over and at risk of abuse or neglect because of their needs for care and or support, and whether or not a school would include him on a list of people they have safeguarding concerns about, he would not be entitled to any support under the provisions of the Children Act as he will not be a child.

@plutodust

it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with. Is that what DH told you? to get rid of DS.?

I think OP is right on that at least - 9k of fees, then rent to live somewhere and living expenses. My DD's student debt from university is not far short of 60k for a UK resident.

OK, now explain why OP claims that the cost will only be unaffordable IF HE COMES WITH US.

IOW, she thinks that if he stays in UK his university costs will be lower than 60K

Can you make any suggestions why there will be any difference at all

*OK, now explain why OP claims that the cost will only be unaffordable IF HE COMES WITH US.

IOW, she thinks that if he stays in UK his university costs will be lower than 60K

Can you make any suggestions why there will be any difference at all*

EIther:

a. she hasn't researched it properly.
b. her husband is lying to her.
c. she's talking bollocks.

I think op means that if he stays here he can get a student loan but if he goes with them then he can't get one and they'll have to pay all the costs.

@kursaalflyer

I think op means that if he stays here he can get a student loan but if he goes with them then he can't get one and they'll have to pay all the costs.

I also think that is what she means, but it is not true as I have tried to say, but she isn't listening

@plutodust

*OK, now explain why OP claims that the cost will only be unaffordable IF HE COMES WITH US.

IOW, she thinks that if he stays in UK his university costs will be lower than 60K

Can you make any suggestions why there will be any difference at all*

EIther:

a. she hasn't researched it properly.
b. her husband is lying to her.
c. she's talking bollocks.

Can I go for c for 100 points please? Op is just trying to justify her shitty parenting by coming up with excuses.

If the relationship with DS is bad now, think about what it will be like when his parents leave for a different continent without him when he’s said he wants to go with them.

Presumably you’ll be able to magically afford DDs uni fees?

Crap crap crap.

Total crap parenting.

And I just knew from the first post this was going to be a step dad situation. Funny that.

Guess it depends on whether you're prepared to sacrifice your sons well-being and happiness in order to keep your dh happy. Sounds like you think it would be a great move if only it weren't for that pesky ds holding you back.
I can't see how it would be good for him except that if he doesn't get on with dh maybe he'd be better off with his uncle but what it would do for your relationship with him is anyone's guess

Jobs in the ME aren't usually subject to tax so they sound amazing, reality is often quite different. Have you worked out where will you be living, some places require guards, living behind gates and walls etc. (I've been there, done that) You are being a very poor mother to your son, who has no one else. Your dd's have their dad. You need to think, can you really do this to your son? You are responsible for him, casting him aside like this is just unbelievable to me. Nothing could make me do this to my child. Maybe there is a middle ground and you could join your dh later ?

Soooo, OP, what you are actually proposing to tell your son is: "The rest of us are all moving to the Middle East because your stepfather can't be without his daughters, but I don't feel that way about you nor does anybody else, so you'll just have to cope as best you can."

That's nice

tbh, the damage has probably already been done with your son, so if his uncle is happy to support him, then he wont be the first kid to be fucked over by his family. Sounds like hes trying to make a good go of his life despite all that and it might actually do him good to be away from a family where he is the least favourite. And at least your husband and two princesses can pretend youre a happy family with more money

There is still a possibility that ds would be deemed Overseas status for student finance purposes if he is a dependant of parents who live abroad, outside EU, and therefore only in UK for education. Since SD sees this as an opportunity to sever any financial links to avoid such, ds would need to declare that he is independent on SF application to get maximum loan.

@ConflictedMummy

Hi all. Thanks for all your replies and for showing so much insight. So to update DH and DS got along at first and somewhere down the road they started having constant arguments and fights, I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear. On the topic of money, which was reflected heavily on in this thread, it would cost 60,000 over 3 years to send DS to his chosen uni, if he comes with and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to cover this. He’s currently at a very good school and I don’t want him to leave it, and he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk. It’s not ideal but we all would really like to leave the UK

"I have to stay with him for the sake of all my kids and I guess it’s my burden to bear." My first reaction to that statement was 'Oh, lay off the martyrdom!'. My second was to wonder if the way you expressed this meant you have already considered not staying. And my third was to pick through the statement.

Have to stay - why 'have' and not 'want' or even 'need'? 'Have to' implies compulsion, against your true wishes.

For the sake of all my kids - your son is treated differently to your daughters by your husband. "DDs are DH’s pride and joy" whilst he has "constant arguments and fights" with your son. So when you say "all my kids" I am struggling to see any benefit (any 'sake') to your son of you staying with your husband. There's no emotional benefit, it can only be financial.

So I'm wondering, has your husband impressed upon you that if you leave him there'll be financial support for your daughters only? Or that he'll want full custody of them and you and your son can go hang? Or something else that makes you financially afraid? Pretty sure that's coercion right there if he has.

I guess it’s my burden to bear - that's the martyrdom talking. And it's incorrect. Staying with your husband is a burden that you are imposing on your three children. Don't think being their father's pride and joy will protect your daughters, it won't. I've read many a post on here from adults who were the Golden Child of their parents whilst a sibling was the Scapegoat, discussing how it totally screwed their head and affected future relationships.

And then there's the rest of your post, which is really chilling.

On the topic of money - if you are uprooting your family to triple your income, don't you DARE cry poverty at providing for your child! Any additional cost for his schooling created by this move must be part of the calculation of whether the move is made or not.

he’ll get his own little space for hisself with his uncle, away from their house but a 30 second walk - oh, fan-bloody-tastic! Just newly 18 and as well as handling resits and being cast aside by his family, he has to get to grips with running his own household! I cannot think of a crueller way to treat your child.

we all would really like to leave the UK - Again - 'all'? Really, 'all'? Your son would like to stay with his family. I doubt your daughters have any say in the matter, daddy doesn't want to leave his pride and joys behind. And you? What is your reason for wanting to leave the UK? And again, looking at the words you use - you don't express it as wanting to GO somewhere (a positive), you say you want to LEAVE (a negative).

I have a very bad feeling about what's going on in your household @ConflictedMummy.

And while we're on the subject of your household, what ages are your daughters? Which ME country is this job in?

Your son is repeating y12. How can you contemplate leaving the country before he finishes his A-levels? It's only 18 more months for fuck's sake. You have let your son down but sticking with your husband but you should prioritize your son for once.

Will you be expats while ds is at uni? If so are you sure that he'll qualify as a UK student ? Would he live with you in the holidays while flying back for uni?

If you're tripling your income you'll be paying for your ds at uni right?

Prioritise your son, don’t leave him. Poor lad. Your husband is horrible.