DD told she wasn’t a big girl at pre school

[Thereluctantstepmother]

My DD (nearly 4) is very well behaved.

Today she came home from pre-school a bit sad telling me that she had put her hairband around the tap and her pre school manager had told her that this wasn’t a big girl thing to do.

DD has spent a long time avoiding being told off (she tells me that she never wants to get told off) and today was one of the first times. DD pulled a confused face and her pre-school manager said “that isn’t a big girl face”.

I am feeling really triggered by this which is why I’m running past you all before I act because I’m a bit blurred by my own emotional response.

I’m completely happy for DD to be picked up on unwanted behaviours but I really detest the way it was framed as her ‘not being a big girl’ because... she’s not a big girl!

I told DD that at least she now knows that’s she’s not allowed to do that and she won’t do it again. I told her that all different people and places have different rules so I understand why she said she felt confused. We had lots of cuddles and she seems to have moved on.

But I still don’t feel happy with her being told she’s not a big girl, it’s as though she’s being shamed for not knowing a very nuanced rule.

When I first dropped DD off today (before this happened) the manager said that DD had been in a “funny mood” with her lately which I thought was an odd thing to say. DD is aware that this manager tells children off and I think she’s quite cautious of her.

Do you think I should just leave it or say something to her?

Thanks for reading.

I think it's a way of avoiding using the phrase 'a bit silly' which other parents might complain about. Personally I think it's a non issue and wouldn't even cross my mind to raise it with them.

You're overthinking this massively.

Most little girls love to be told they're a 'big girl'. And she is a big girl compared to the younger children, or to babies. You don't like it, fine, ask them not to use that phrase again. It's often used as praise.

Thanks.

She put a hair band around a tap and got told not to do it, and in child speak that it wasnt an appropriate thing to do.

You need to teach her that she wont always get everything right and that's ok.

Move on! She sounds a lovely girl but isnt perfect.

Massive over reaction.

Honestly this sounds fine to me. What would you have liked her teacher to say?

It's hard to understand what your actual problem is. This is such an over reaction, you need to work on teaching your DD that what she does wont always be right

I see your point, in that she did nothing 'wrong' and was made to feel that it was wrong. The adult could simply have said, we don't do XX here at school, dd. You look confused, so I will explain.

However I also think this is a non-issue. Part of going to school - indeed the major part at this age - is to learn how things are done in the big wide world. So she learned, you helped her to feel ok about it, everyone moves on. She's going to have her behaviour corrected a lot over the coming years!

If you think she has a good reason to be scared of this director- well that's another thing. She shouldn't be scared of the adults caring for her. A healthy respect, sure. But not scared or worried.

I’m usually ‘that parent’ but this wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

I think you need to be careful not to reinforce for your dd that being told off is a big deal, and work on her resilience rather than addressing anything with the nursery. Because these things are going to happen and they didn’t really do anything inappropriate. Better to boost dd’s confidence around making mistakes.

You feel 'triggered'?! Bloody hell Op, grip!

It's not a nuanced rule - she's one of the older kids there and she was behaving like one of the younger ones.

@Kanaloa

Honestly this sounds fine to me. What would you have liked her teacher to say?

We don't do that 🤷‍♀️ why confuse the issue? Child does something wrong "we don't do that" its clearer than giving her the mythical impression that she somehow needs to grow up further in order for those behaviours to be accepted it clearly tells her its unwanted behaviour end of story

I don't think that not tieing a hairband around a tap is a 'nuanced rule'. So I think it is fine she has been told not to do it again and that it wasn't something they would have expected to have to specifically tell her not to do - so fine to be told off for doing it.

The "big girl" wording is a bit strange - but they are encouraging her to act in an age appropriate way and letting her know that doing silly things or pulling silly faces isn't expected behaviour. I wouldn't dwell on the language and focus instead on reinforcing that it is normal to get things wrong sometimes and best to learn from it and move on.

I really don't understand why you have an issue with what was said?

You are way over thinking this, preschool manager did nothing wrong. I think she phrased it quite well tbf.

She was told her behaviour wasn't appropriate. It wasn't a telling off as such. The staff are teaching the kids what is and isn't acceptable in your absence. How else would you expect the staff to deal with these sort of things? I think your reaction is a bit precious and isn't going to do your DD any favours in the long run.

Huge over-reaction.

As the parent of a (now adult) daughter, who was a perfectionist as a child and hated being told off, I really wish I'd put more effort into teaching her that it's okay to get things wrong, and that being told off isn't the end of the world - that the person she disappointed will have forgotten all about it half an hour later.

She says herself that she really wishes that she'd learned that mistakes and failure are okay. She knows it intellectually, but still finds criticism really hard.

So please please don't continue in the vein that you are at the moment. That was a very gentle rebuke, and if you and your daughter continue to blow it out of all proportion, it's really not going to be healthy in the long term.

I would fins it annoying because I don’t use the incentive of being a ‘big girl’ or ‘big boy’ as a way of making my children do something. However I think if you send your children to nursery/school/childminders/granny’s house then you have to accept that they might use phrases and approaches that you wouldn’t and that this isn’t worth bringing up.

I would let this one go. It wasn't a very sensible thing to do. It's not a 'rule' but it's best not to do it. I wouldn't be bothered by the phrase 'big girl', especially as she is presumably one of the oldest in that context. My Reception aged DD saw a child crying at drop off and told me she doesn't cry anymore because she is a big girl. This isn't something we have said directly, although we do talk about how grown up she is getting when she helps out with things.

I would also try to model coping with being told off, and reinforcing everyone gets told off sometimes. It must be stressful if she is always worried. Plus it doesn't sound like she was even really told off, it was just commented on.

I think you are massively over thinking it.

She put her hairband round the tap! Would you have preferred this went unremarked?

DD has spent a long time avoiding being told off (she tells me that she never wants to get told off)
I find this more concerning, that a 4 yr old is so focused on this, she should be carefree and not worrying, sounds like your DD is picking up on your anxieties.

Actually, your op has a lot of "she now knows not to do that", and "she was confused at the different rules" stuff; do you let her run riot at home?
It really does read as though you're as confused by the (perfectly normal) "rules" of behaviour as she is.

Well I would have said "Don't forget your hairband, let's put it back in your hair so you don't lose it" it's hardly bad behavior.

do you let her run riot at home? 🤣 seriously?

I can't believe you said it made you feel triggered though! Are you overly anxious and passing it on to your dd?

It's probably not the best phrase to use. Not allowed to say naughty. Which at least kids understood. You need to be clear with the nursery on how they stop unwanted behaviour. Being told off is part of growing up. How can they learn what behaviour is acceptable and what isn't.

Child does something silly and gets corrected in a very gentle, age appropriate way. Can't see the issue. I'd choose a different hill to die on if I were you...