DD told she wasn’t a big girl at pre school

[Thereluctantstepmother]

My DD (nearly 4) is very well behaved.

Today she came home from pre-school a bit sad telling me that she had put her hairband around the tap and her pre school manager had told her that this wasn’t a big girl thing to do.

DD has spent a long time avoiding being told off (she tells me that she never wants to get told off) and today was one of the first times. DD pulled a confused face and her pre-school manager said “that isn’t a big girl face”.

I am feeling really triggered by this which is why I’m running past you all before I act because I’m a bit blurred by my own emotional response.

I’m completely happy for DD to be picked up on unwanted behaviours but I really detest the way it was framed as her ‘not being a big girl’ because... she’s not a big girl!

I told DD that at least she now knows that’s she’s not allowed to do that and she won’t do it again. I told her that all different people and places have different rules so I understand why she said she felt confused. We had lots of cuddles and she seems to have moved on.

But I still don’t feel happy with her being told she’s not a big girl, it’s as though she’s being shamed for not knowing a very nuanced rule.

When I first dropped DD off today (before this happened) the manager said that DD had been in a “funny mood” with her lately which I thought was an odd thing to say. DD is aware that this manager tells children off and I think she’s quite cautious of her.

Do you think I should just leave it or say something to her?

Thanks for reading.

But she wasn't told she 'wasn't a big girl' as your thread title, she was told that what she did wasn't what big girls do (ie. because she is a big girl she shouldn't be doing it). I think that's absolutely fine. Children of that age love being told they're 'big' girls and boys (other than when they want to be babied) and this was a subtle way of telling her her behaviour was wrong. She wasn't told she was naughty, just that what she'd done wasn't appropriate in language she could understand. What's wrong with that?

You're triggered Have you had a traumatic hair band experience, op?

Wow there’s loads of snarkyness here today.
Thanks to any posters who were constructive and kind. I’ll take heed of your advice and teach her resilience.

”Don't forget your hairband, let's put it back in your hair so you don't lose it"

Someone else would have been on here complaining about the paedophile teacher fingering their precious child’s hair and how it had made them uncomfortable.

Oh my goodness - wait until she starts school!
Seriously, why do you find it triggering, is this about something that happened to you as a small child?
Why is she frightened of the manager? This needs investigation.

You are going to be very hard work for all her teachers if you overthink this much because someone had to nerve to tell your daughter not to do something.

At 4, kids all start getting told that they are getting to be and big boy or big girl, because they are. They're not babies anymore, they're not toddlers anymore, they are turning into little men and women and its time for them to start showing reapobsinkity, accepting their mistakes and fixing them etc.
It's just a normal way people talk to kids when they've done something without really thinking it through, because at that age they sho8pd be learning to do that.

Triggered???? Have you some massive back story relating to the phrase ‘big girl’ that you haven’t mentioned?

If not, you sound a bit mad.

Oh dear. Your dd is going to end up with a big 'resilience' problem. I'm sorry op but she's learning off you. Change it now. My poor mum molly coddled and overprotected us and I ended up with mental health problems as a teen abc adult. Thank goodness I has a christening of fire out in the real world and have come good in the end. But my goodness thar journey was hard. I'm very very mindful and active in teaching my children resilience. It's paying off so far. Take heed.

One of the hard things about having kids go to nursery, pre-school and then school is they get disciplined by staff and teachers in ways or using phrases that aren't the things you would say at home! Ultimately unless there's any reason to think that's going to be damaging permanently in any way, you have to accept that's part of the process of letting them go into the world and out of your own little sphere. It can be hard though.

I agree it’s not really bad behaviour. I wouldn’t really like it but would focus on supporting my dd rather than arguing with nursery.
You could role play at home with you putting a hair band on a tap and your dd ‘telling you off’ to take the worry away for her.

Contrary to the pps I would have found it irritating too, but then my DS's preschool annoyed me a bit with all their nonsensical rules. It's a hairband on a tap FFS. I sent him to an outdoor preschool after a while instead, where the rules were about more logical things like not running while carrying a stick.

In a preschool setting a 4 year old is a big boy/girl. It is a shame she is anxious but I don't think many children like getting told off but as tellings off go this seems pretty mild. I wouldn't dwell on it with her, it's done so move on is the best way.

My own childhood was brutally traumatic and I remember very keenly what it was like to be shamed by adults. I am the definition of resilience if you knew my life story and how I have overcome many difficulties.
When it comes to my DD, I don’t want her to have to be as thick skinned as I did because as I know that can create its own set of issues later on.
It’s hard finding the balance of teaching resilience and allowing DD to express and feel her feelings within our home and recover from a bad day at school in a nurturing environment.

Being corrected if their behaviour falls short of expected is not being "shamed", op. Is this thinking the reason you don't correct her yourself?

You can't expect a nursery worker, or a teacher, to carefully consider every phrase they use before talking to a child. She did something wrong, she was told about it. End of story. You'll a hard time once she starts school if you are are going to pick up on every phrase you don't agree with.

And what happened with your dd does not equate to a bad day at school, op. Come on!

"You'll have'

You are totally over thinking this.

It’s hard finding the balance of teaching resilience and allowing DD to express and feel her feelings within our home and recover from a bad day at school in a nurturing environment.

Have you been reading a lot of parenting books?

You are totally overthinking this, but you have have a traumatic childhood, that's the reason why- you are on the lookout, rightly, for anything remotely like what you went through, and want to be able to give her that loving kind environment you didn't have.

Be kind people.

OP- by giving her a loving home, you will help her deal with all those times people are a bit snappy, rude, funny with you, or say the wrong thing- she won't meet perfect people at school and people do and say things very differently. That doesn't equate to what you went through in any shape or form though.

I think it's odd language to use around / about a 4yo. 'That's not a big girl face' is a bit confusing. What does it even mean to a 4yo? And to tell you she was in a funny mood with her is odd too. She's 4, not her friend.

I told her that all different people and places have different rules

It's a shame you didn't tell her that different people have different ways of expressing themselves and they're not all like Mummy's

Please don't do this to your child, OP. The whole thing should've produced nothing more than a "Oh well, you'll know not to do it now".

My own childhood was brutally traumatic and I remember very keenly what it was like to be shamed by adults.
It's easy for is all to laugh and call you neurotic at first glance, but now your update means your post makes sense. A close friend goes through very similar with her daughter due to her own childhood abuse, and it does hold her daughter back massively. My friend never had help to deal with her abuse and the abuser was never challenged. Even family members did not know he had abused her until he had died. Please seek help.

@Thereluctantstepmother

My own childhood was brutally traumatic and I remember very keenly what it was like to be shamed by adults. I am the definition of resilience if you knew my life story and how I have overcome many difficulties. When it comes to my DD, I don’t want her to have to be as thick skinned as I did because as I know that can create its own set of issues later on. It’s hard finding the balance of teaching resilience and allowing DD to express and feel her feelings within our home and recover from a bad day at school in a nurturing environment.

I wouldn’t call being told off once a bad day at school

Very much overthinking this! I can understand why you might find it hard to navigate this given your own experiences, but your child is going to be corrected by others from time to time and it will be really hard on you both if you have the mindset that this is shaming.