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Original poster

DD told she wasn’t a big girl at pre school

176 replies

Thereluctantstepmother · 16/11/2020 13:23

My DD (nearly 4) is very well behaved.

Today she came home from pre-school a bit sad telling me that she had put her hairband around the tap and her pre school manager had told her that this wasn’t a big girl thing to do.

DD has spent a long time avoiding being told off (she tells me that she never wants to get told off) and today was one of the first times. DD pulled a confused face and her pre-school manager said “that isn’t a big girl face”.

I am feeling really triggered by this which is why I’m running past you all before I act because I’m a bit blurred by my own emotional response.

I’m completely happy for DD to be picked up on unwanted behaviours but I really detest the way it was framed as her ‘not being a big girl’ because... she’s not a big girl!

I told DD that at least she now knows that’s she’s not allowed to do that and she won’t do it again. I told her that all different people and places have different rules so I understand why she said she felt confused. We had lots of cuddles and she seems to have moved on.

But I still don’t feel happy with her being told she’s not a big girl, it’s as though she’s being shamed for not knowing a very nuanced rule.

When I first dropped DD off today (before this happened) the manager said that DD had been in a “funny mood” with her lately which I thought was an odd thing to say. DD is aware that this manager tells children off and I think she’s quite cautious of her.

Do you think I should just leave it or say something to her?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
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JuliaJohnston · 16/11/2020 18:46

@Poppinjay

What have you based this on, exactly?

She made a hash of telling a child she didn't want her to do something.

In your opinion. Lots of posters had no issue with what was said Confused The only bit you got right was "they are unlikely to do any real harm". Ain't that a fact.
IHaveBrilloHair · 16/11/2020 18:48

She didn't make a hash of it at all.
The OP is over sensitive and is bringing up her Dd the same way.
Most kids would have taken the hair band off the tap and thought no more of it.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 16/11/2020 18:52

@Feedingthebirds1

The problem to me is that putting your hairband round the tap isn't an obvious no-no. There may be a good reason for the rule, not forgetting it and then losing it or whatever, but I think explaining that to the child is much better than just saying it's not a big girl thing to do, and I'm not surprised the DD was confused. The DD might be bigger than most of the other children, or it might be that the teacher was saying that she should be a big girl now because it's pre-school and she'll be going to big school next - but she's still only four.

I agree she needs to be more resilient, and I understand why the OP has issues around discipline. Both of those need to be thought about to decide how to go forward. And I wouldn't necessarily say anything to the school. But I don't think the teacher was right to phrase it that way.

I agree with all of this, and also with all @HeyGirlHeyBoy wrote.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Poppinjay · 16/11/2020 18:53

In your opinion. Lots of posters had no issue with what was said

Lots of posters don't have the years of experience of working in early years and supervising practitioners like her that I have.

There are much better ways to communicate messages like this to small children and that one was pretty inept.

JuliaJohnston · 16/11/2020 18:54

@Poppinjay

In your opinion. Lots of posters had no issue with what was said

Lots of posters don't have the years of experience of working in early years and supervising practitioners like her that I have.

There are much better ways to communicate messages like this to small children and that one was pretty inept.

Maybe not, but lots of us have wide experience of bringing up children 😂
angstridden2 · 16/11/2020 18:55

Oh dear lord, who’d work with children these Days? So glad I’m retired.
What is the matter with some parents?

Poppinjay · 16/11/2020 19:02

What is the matter with some parents?

Do you mean the OP who was aware that her emotional response may have been disproportionate so, instead of acting on it, turned to some other parents to ask for a bit of perspective or the posters who have laid into her , called her names and taken the p* for daring to ask?

alittlebitofbreadandnocheese · 16/11/2020 19:11

Are you for real?

angstridden2 · 16/11/2020 20:23

The OP may have a backstory which makes her over sensitive to The language used to correct her child, but the many posters agreeing with her may or may not have a similar history. I’m afraid I can see why we are losing good teachers. It’s difficult enough teaching and jumping through all the hoops education now demands without having to weigh every single interaction.

trunumber · 16/11/2020 20:38

Some of you are fucking vultures. Maybe try living OP's life and see if you're all so balanced and reasonable and scornful then?!
She asked for a little advice, she was polite and respectful - there is absolutely N0 need for some of these responses. It's like bloody Mean Girls here sometimes.

switswooo · 16/11/2020 20:43

Teachers / nursery staff can make mistakes. I remember a teacher who made a decision about the kind of child she thought I was and treated me differently to the other kids. To be fair to her she did eventually seem to realise that she had misjudged me and did try and make amends.

I don’t think everyone is suited for working with children.

Balhammom · 16/11/2020 20:45

Complete non-issue.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/11/2020 20:49

Good for the OP trying to rewrite the script.

However, we all do need to deal with criticism and that's the DD as well. I find the phrase, "mistakes help us learn" very useful.

BoyTree · 17/11/2020 00:14

What is the matter with some parents?

In the OP's case, a brutally traumatic childhood that has led to her questioning her reactions and seeking reassurance as she tries to do the best for her child. What's your excuse?

Morninglights · 17/11/2020 06:33

@angstridden2 as a parent I wouldn't be too worried about this and certainly wouldn't raise it, but I do think simply saying "please don't put your hairband round the tap" would be more effective

Surely in many jobs though it's about continuous development? I'd always found feedback helpful even if sometimes it felt impossible, because in hindsight actually I could see there's often always room for improvement

Sussexroadleyst · 17/11/2020 07:28

Everyone gets told off even as an adult when they are at work!

I've never been "told off" at work in my life. I'm an adult. I wouldn't accept a "telling off" by another adult.

Sussexroadleyst · 17/11/2020 07:28

And I still don't get the issue with the hairband thing. Who cares?

Benjispruce2 · 17/11/2020 07:32

The hair band would get wet, we are in covid times too so it’s not sanitary plus it’s not what she should be doing. It’s minor, she was corrected in a minor way, mum is blowing it all out of proportion. Not forgetting this story has been retold by a 4 year old.Confused

Arosadra · 17/11/2020 08:36

Please don’t pile on the op. It is really hard not to overreact to minor incidents which cause your child to feel shame, when you come from an abusive background in which your childhood was characterised by shame, with repercussions for your whole life.

OP has asked here. She hasn’t shouted at school staff or done anything inappropriate. She’s only trying to breaks cycle of abuse and ensure her child grows up knowing she is worthy of respect and kind words. OP is to be commended for that.

Sussexroadleyst · 17/11/2020 08:55

Please don’t pile on the op.

Agree. A lot of people have been dicks on this thread.

PeggyPorschen · 17/11/2020 11:47

@Sussexroadleyst

Everyone gets told off even as an adult when they are at work!

I've never been "told off" at work in my life. I'm an adult. I wouldn't accept a "telling off" by another adult.

if you were the kind of people who needs a telling off, you would have the attitude to match let's be honest.

Now if you were a manager, how would you handle an employee that needs to be disciplined exactly? Can you honestly pretend you would ignore the problem completely, or just give them a pat on the back? Hmm

Sometimes you tell off people, because they behaved in such a way it needs to be done. Let's stop the nonsense shall we.

Sussexroadleyst · 17/11/2020 22:31

Now if you were a manager, how would you handle an employee that needs to be disciplined exactly?

I am one. I've never "disciplined" an employee because they are grown adults, not toddlers.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/11/2020 22:53

@Sussexroadleyst

Now if you were a manager, how would you handle an employee that needs to be disciplined exactly?

I am one. I've never "disciplined" an employee because they are grown adults, not toddlers.

So what do you do when an employee has an issue of misconduct or gross misconduct?
CeeceeBloomingdale · 17/11/2020 23:02

I wouldn't have been given this head space. I have used the incentive to be a big girl with my own children. Use the opportunity to teach the child some resilience, being wounded , ashamed or huffy after being told not to do something silly is ridiculous.

Being aggrieved about it as a parent is also ridiculous. Children are not perfect, it's good to know and accept that your precious offspring can be less than perfect occasionally, it makes them a more rounded human being. Children on the whole like rules and to know what is expected of them.

JuliaJohnston · 17/11/2020 23:05

@Sussexroadleyst

Now if you were a manager, how would you handle an employee that needs to be disciplined exactly?

I am one. I've never "disciplined" an employee because they are grown adults, not toddlers.

Plenty of people are disciplined at work, adults or no Confused. There are recognised disciplinary offences in most medium to large organisations, surely you know this?