DD told she wasn’t a big girl at pre school

[Thereluctantstepmother]

My DD (nearly 4) is very well behaved.

Today she came home from pre-school a bit sad telling me that she had put her hairband around the tap and her pre school manager had told her that this wasn’t a big girl thing to do.

DD has spent a long time avoiding being told off (she tells me that she never wants to get told off) and today was one of the first times. DD pulled a confused face and her pre-school manager said “that isn’t a big girl face”.

I am feeling really triggered by this which is why I’m running past you all before I act because I’m a bit blurred by my own emotional response.

I’m completely happy for DD to be picked up on unwanted behaviours but I really detest the way it was framed as her ‘not being a big girl’ because... she’s not a big girl!

I told DD that at least she now knows that’s she’s not allowed to do that and she won’t do it again. I told her that all different people and places have different rules so I understand why she said she felt confused. We had lots of cuddles and she seems to have moved on.

But I still don’t feel happy with her being told she’s not a big girl, it’s as though she’s being shamed for not knowing a very nuanced rule.

When I first dropped DD off today (before this happened) the manager said that DD had been in a “funny mood” with her lately which I thought was an odd thing to say. DD is aware that this manager tells children off and I think she’s quite cautious of her.

Do you think I should just leave it or say something to her?

Thanks for reading.

Gosh you are going to have a loooong few years while dd is at school. Definately overthinking things here

Thank you kind posters.
Unkind ones you might want to work on your emotional intelligence.
Logging out now.
👋

I'm sorry she was told that. She seems like a very conscientious child, and you should be proud of her.
That being said, I used to work in a primary school and you would NOT believe all the things children are told off for. It was a particularly strict school, but still, I don't doubt that this will happen again (and some adults do seem to have arbitrary rules that don't apply elsewhere).
I'd focus on building resilience. After all, do you really want her to be a "good girl" all the time? Sometimes it's better to stand up for yourself and take risks.

When it comes to my DD, I don’t want her to have to be as thick skinned as I did because as I know that can create its own set of issues later on.

But teaching her to be as thin skinned as single ply toilet paper won't help her either OP.

In fact she'll more than likely end up on MN in the future, asking for help in toughening her child's resilience up because her mum raised her to be far too sensitive.

There is a balance to be had, you just need to work on finding it.

Unkind ones you might want to work on your emotional intelligence.

There's a couple of things you need to work on yourself, op. Urgently.

I understand why you don't like. My sons' old nursery would never have used this sort of language. Its unnecessary. All the staff needed to do was give a short explanation of why we don't do that and leave it at that.
'Not a big girl thing to do' is a bit shaming.

Still when you send your kids off you can't really control how the setting chooses to do things.

I agree with you about not liking it though.

You were "triggered"by it. Ffs no wonder your dd is so sensitive!

Recover from a bad day at school? Seriously? She was asked not to put a headband on a tap... OP I know you've given background but you are projecting on to your dd and it isn't going to help her function.

She's not far off starting school and it won't do her any favours if she crumbles every time she's told not to do something. Teach her it's fine if she's asked not to do something just acknowledge what's been said, other people are different to you and her and will communicate differently.

Last week my dd was put on the orange circle of a traffic light behaviour warning thing they have at school, only 50% her fault and normally would have been a quick 'don't do that' but the teacher was dealing with 30 kids all moaning and telling tales after every break so was putting any child on this orange circle if a tale was told to nip it in the bud- my DD grabbed someone's hood during a game, another kid told and they all got put on this circle. That kind of thing is fairly common and your DD will need to learn to brush it off.

I get it OP - this was a completely random thing and there was no way for your daughter to know that it wasn't a good idea. Ideally, the nursery worker would have just been factual about it e.g 'Shall we move your hairband so it doesn't get wet? Maybe that's not the best place for hairbands.' rather than suggesting that she should have known not to do it already or that not knowing was some kind of failure on her part. It may not be the kind of thing that's worth bringing up with nursery based on one incident, but perhaps something you can be aware of and try and manage it from your end or approach them if it's happening a lot.

When my kids do something that they think is funny/clever/interesting but is actually really dangerous, risky or otherwise a terrible idea, I explain rather than tell them off IF there's no realistic way that they could have known what a bad idea it was. I also make a point of saying that there was no way they could have known and that I'm just explaining to them now so that they will know for next time.

I do remember a time when I was younger and my parents had friends round. They had been talking about the need to strip the wallpaper in my room but complaining that they didn't have time (you can probably see where this is going!). I decided I would help out by peeling off the corner that was coming away from the wall, and got quite a lot off before excitedly going to tell them and they shouted at me in front of their friends and I was mortified - not only had I not helped (which was my intention) but I had been made to look stupid and naughty in front of other people! It's not like a life-changing thing and not exactly awful, but I do remember the crushing feeling of having got it wrong and being embarrassed about not 'getting it', so I can empathise with your daughter and understand your desire to protect her from that.

If your DD has moved on, as you said, then you should also be able to. I hope you haven't drawn too much attention to it with her as you have in here or she will pick that up and may overreact herself.

Calm down and pick your battles.

they shouted at me in front of their friends and I was mortified
But that's not remotely similar to what happened to op's dd.

What is a pre school manager, is this someone who is a bit of a helper at school. ?

@Thereluctantstepmother

My own childhood was brutally traumatic and I remember very keenly what it was like to be shamed by adults. I am the definition of resilience if you knew my life story and how I have overcome many difficulties. When it comes to my DD, I don’t want her to have to be as thick skinned as I did because as I know that can create its own set of issues later on. It’s hard finding the balance of teaching resilience and allowing DD to express and feel her feelings within our home and recover from a bad day at school in a nurturing environment.

It is hugely difficult to be balanced about your child’s experience when you had a traumatic childhood. You desperately want to save them from ever feeling the way you did.

You are right in never wanting her to have to be as resilient as you had to be.

But you teach resilience exactly by helping children to understand that they don’t need to be excessively upset by fairly trivial things. And also by teaching them that actually can cope with some difficult things, like feeling silly or embarrassed or having to be told that their behaviour has been inappropriate. That’s how they learn, by being taught what things they should or shouldn’t do (yes, even quite simple things like that, that maybe don’t actually matter much, but you have to start when they are little, with the things that don’t matter so much).

She was told off, it sounds like quite gently without excessive harshness, and it’s never nice to be told off. But she’s okay, really! And she’ll understand not to do that next time.

Pp was right - she doesn’t need to be perfect. She won’t be, and that’s okay. Sometimes she’ll be told off. As long as she’s not treated harshly, it will help her in the long run.

As the parent of a (now adult) daughter, who was a perfectionist as a child and hated being told off, I really wish I'd put more effort into teaching her that it's okay to get things wrong, and that being told off isn't the end of the world

This. My eldest is very anxious but at 7 she's getting there and is fairly resilient. Explicitly teaching them how to fail well is worth the trouble.

Don't overreact. It's a dangerous thing to do because it can prejudice staff against you and any BIG complaints then will be deal with less sympathetically, later.

Just talk to DD about how teachers are very busy and sometimes say things wrong.

They had been talking about the need to strip the wallpaper in my room but complaining that they didn't have time (you can probably see where this is going!). I decided I would help out by peeling off the corner that was coming away from the wall, and got quite a lot off before excitedly going to tell them

Oh Bless you! This is a timely reminder to me to try to remember that my kids understandings may be different from mine!

The fact you're saying this has 'triggered' you. Come on. Please don't raise a victim child.

@JuliaJohnston

You're right - it isn't. Nonetheless, I hope the OP understands the purpose of my posting and that you are able to move past your perception that my attempt to empathise with a struggling mother reaching out to a parenting community for some support was not good enough.

I agree with a pp that it's a way of avoiding saying, "That was a silly thing to do". Personally, I would rather that they just told my child he was being silly, but some people might not.
My equivalent annoying phrase was DS1's preschool teacher who would always refer to the, ahem, spirited children as 'the big characters'. This annoyed me because it seemed to imply that my well-behaved child was a small character. But I knew what she meant

Something my mum does with my DD which seems to work, is to just laugh at this kind of thing, and say 'oh how silly', and then just changes the subject.
My response would have been similar to yours in a way, taking it seriously and then thinking about taking it further, but I think my mum's take diffuses the tension and reassures DD that all is right with the world really, and that she doesn't have to worry.

OP

Lots of nasty replies here.

Ugh this has reminded me of comments, tuts, head shaking saying ‘oh dear’ looks at DS which really got to him a few years back.

Be prepared to hear a lot of things you wouldn’t approve of from teachers and teach resilience.

A different perspective:

I am a behavioural psychologist and always positive with my kids. They went to nurseries schools where the behaviour culture was positive.

My 15 year old recently suggested that I reprimand my 4-year-old more often. He says he had no experience with being reprimanded and it caused a lot of anxiety. From his point of view, being told off from time to time and building resilience is a good thing.

Not sure I agree, but another perspective.

OP you need to get help to deal with your issues from your childhood, it sounds like they are really affecting you. You can’t raise your child to be this sensitive and pass on this scarring, it will make her incapable of doing basic things. This is incredibly mild and not an issue, not even something many children would mention to you—it sounds like you are passing on your worries to her.

@Wishforanishwishdiash that's very interesting. Though would he have had the same capacity for that thought process and been able to tell you had you reprimanded him? Tricky one.