Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

[bluemoon2468]

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

erm, no it’s my life hmm. Is it really past the bounds of your understanding that someone might ha e different experiences and opinions as you?

Your experience of having a husband that shouts ffs at a baby is very different to my experience, my partner is nothing like that thankfully. If he was, I wouldn’t be with him. So yes, people gave different experiences. Even my own father who was absolutely shite, didn’t swear at me as a baby apparently.
What I don’t believe is that a person capable of this changes to be a perfect daddy who hasn’t raised his voice since. Lots of treading on eggshells I’m quite sure.
My concern is for OPs child.

Her husband verbally attacks her 17 day old baby

That's a bit of a leap from what the OP actually said.....

referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc

I'm a mum. I remember feeling rage on a rare occasion when I couldn't cope anymore. I'm certain a spat out FFS. I once punched a bin in frustration and stress. People would say I'm a very calm and happy parent and I am the vast majority of the time. I certainly love and protect my kids every day. But I'm not a robot and a perfect storm of stress has pushed me over at times.

Some people are so black and white and it's amazing how the tone of a reply post on Mumsnet can quickly turn into a massive wave of ltb or extreme responses. All going one step further in outrage than the last.

OP none of us are immune to very bad reactions but it's important that we realise when they are becoming a problem and deal with them.

Babies are very frustrating. It's tiring and overwhelming and we all need to vent sometimes. At our antenatal classes a large part of one of the sessions was about that feeling specifically; teaching us that it's ok to put a crying baby down in his cot and walk away if you need to. That it's ok to ask for help if you need a rest. That yes, it is possible to feel irrationally pissed off at the baby, and it doesn't make you a terrible person or mean that you do not love them.

I'm not concerned that he "swore at a baby" but I think the fact that he was still feeling negatively towards the baby the morning after shows that it's more than typical frustration in the moment that passes relatively quickly. I hope he's able to sort out his feelings and manage those frustrating times.

I agree with happyspud, so many ridiculous responses on this thread. Yes his behaviour is concerning but it's a huge leap to conclude that he's abusive and the OP needs to LTB 🙄 I think a lot of posters probably have not experienced PND or depression and the darkness that comes with it. So many perfect parents on this thread that have never said "for fuck's sake" in a frustrated moment!

I have a newborn with reflux and I'm seriously sleep deprived, one morning I did actually feel angry with her because I just felt so horribly exhausted (I actually hated everyone and everything at that point), even though I logically knew - and know - that she's just a baby and it's not her fault. Admitting those feelings can help to diffuse them and it's not the same as acting on them. My feelings did subside but I am getting mental health support because I don't want to feel that way.

Sometimes depression is used as an excuse for abuse but the fact is that the OP's husband has agreed that he was in the wrong, which is not something that abusive men do. Of course he might also be abusive but there's nowhere near enough information to be able to say that.

Best of luck OP and I hope the thread hasn't rattled you too much

So glad OP has left the thread. Some ridiculous responses.

Op, as others have said, some of your DH's responses to the baby are clearly very concerning. It may well be that he is suffering some kind of mental trauma from the birth and coping with a new born. However, despite the fact you're partners I don't think it's your job to look after him right now, you have more than enough to cope with looking after your new baby. Sure, be compassionate, but the things he's said need to be discussed with a health professionally, preferably by him, perhaps the health visitor in the first instance. If he needs support they will be able to point him in the right direction.

I really feel for you regarding his response to the traumatic birth, how awful for you to be going though that while seeing him crying in the corner. While I understand it must have been awful for him, quite frankly he should have kept it together or left the room if he couldn't properly support you. The same applies now with your baby. Please talk to your health visitor about all this.

People saying there is hysteria etc is because it's pretty shocking to read that a grown man was too angry to look at his newborn baby, that his baby is faking it and lying... whether he is struggling or not stuff like that is just not okay to think and it isn't normal.
Even if he is struggling which yeah obviously he needs some support too but he also shouldn't be left alone with the baby, I 100% agree with that! It's not hysteria it's being cautious because Unfortunately babies get shaken in frustration, it only takes a split second.

Again, I’m surprised at rhe minimising, this is a new born. What’s actually wrong with people. This isn’t just someone who said he was angry or a random ffs at his kid. This is someone who thinks that a new born lies and fakes. Pretending that’s normal isn’t ok.

And it’s not ok because this is a defenceless baby, and who knows what someone can do in the red mist.

And as for the ridiculous statement abusive men don’t say they are wrong. Oh yes they do, they say oh I’m sorry, I love you, I won’t do it again, I can’t help it, I love you so much, I will get help, don’t leave me.

And then they do it again. And worse. However it’s irrelevant. This isn’t about if this man is abusive or not, this is about there is a tiny baby at risk and a man who either needs to get help or get out.

@Bluntness100 Yes, we all agree, he needs help so he's getting some. I'm not sure what more there is to do above getting help though.

@Bluntness100

Again, I’m surprised at rhe minimising, this is a new born. What’s actually wrong with people. This isn’t just someone who said he was angry or a random ffs at his kid. This is someone who thinks that a new born lies and fakes. Pretending that’s normal isn’t ok.

And it’s not ok because this is a defenceless baby, and who knows what someone can do in the red mist.

And as for the ridiculous statement abusive men don’t say they are wrong. Oh yes they do, they say oh I’m sorry, I love you, I won’t do it again, I can’t help it, I love you so much, I will get help, don’t leave me.

And then they do it again. And worse. However it’s irrelevant. This isn’t about if this man is abusive or not, this is about there is a tiny baby at risk and a man who either needs to get help or get out.

Couldn't agree more

Does he have male friends or family members who have had babies? Did he talk to them about realities of having a newborn? He might feel better if he heard other men talking about the struggles they had coping with the screaming, feeling helpless etc? Women tend to ask other women about their experience so while a massive shock might have a more realistic long-term view of how things might turn out.

[quote feministfemme]@Bluntness100 Yes, we all agree, he needs help so he's getting some. I'm not sure what more there is to do above getting help though.[/quote]
Agree, I hadn’t read the ops last update when I posted. But if he gets help. Speaks to his doctor. And isn’t left alone with the baby in the mean time, (as there is no over night cure) then hopefully this resolves.

@Bluntness100 Honestly, based on OP's recollection of events I think it will probably get better when her DH's communication and understanding of babies improve (e.g. they're not a machine where you can hit the right buttons and it'll respond in the right way). The best way to do this is through therapy, I agree with you. I don't think walking out the door as some posters have suggested is best for baby / mum or dad.

* Sorry absolutely no idea why I wrote baby / mum or dad *

Meant to write baby, mum or dad (or alternatively baby / mum / dad). Not suggesting baby and mum are one haha!

@Bluntness100

Again, I’m surprised at rhe minimising, this is a new born. What’s actually wrong with people. This isn’t just someone who said he was angry or a random ffs at his kid. This is someone who thinks that a new born lies and fakes. Pretending that’s normal isn’t ok.

And it’s not ok because this is a defenceless baby, and who knows what someone can do in the red mist.

And as for the ridiculous statement abusive men don’t say they are wrong. Oh yes they do, they say oh I’m sorry, I love you, I won’t do it again, I can’t help it, I love you so much, I will get help, don’t leave me.

And then they do it again. And worse. However it’s irrelevant. This isn’t about if this man is abusive or not, this is about there is a tiny baby at risk and a man who either needs to get help or get out.

Yes to this. Abusive men apologise, acknowledge they were out of line, niceness for a while, then nasty again. Rinse and repeat.

I don't think walking out the door as some posters have suggested is best for baby / mum or dad

I also agree with this, I wouldn’t leave, (and never suggested she did) I suggested watching this for the next six months or so, not leave him alone with the baby, and if it doesn’t improve, then leave. That’s what I’d do.

The thing is it’s very easy to say you’ll get help. It’s a very different thing to do it and engage with it.

Many People agree, say they will do it, but when it comes to it, they don’t and contstantly put forward excuses not to.

Only thr op knows if he picked up the phone to his gp this afternoon, or if this just remains “a plan”.

@Bluntness100

I don't think walking out the door as some posters have suggested is best for baby / mum or dad

I also agree with this, I wouldn’t leave, (and never suggested she did) I suggested watching this for the next six months or so, not leave him alone with the baby, and if it doesn’t improve, then leave. That’s what I’d do.

The thing is it’s very easy to say you’ll get help. It’s a very different thing to do it and engage with it.

Many People agree, say they will do it, but when it comes to it, they don’t and contstantly put forward excuses not to.

Only thr op knows if he picked up the phone to his gp this afternoon, or if this just remains “a plan”.

Yes, people rarely do what they think they would do. I rather focus the first step, let him seek help, go to parental support group, and don’t leave him alone with a baby

@Bluntness100

Again, I’m surprised at rhe minimising, this is a new born. What’s actually wrong with people. This isn’t just someone who said he was angry or a random ffs at his kid. This is someone who thinks that a new born lies and fakes. Pretending that’s normal isn’t ok.

And it’s not ok because this is a defenceless baby, and who knows what someone can do in the red mist.

And as for the ridiculous statement abusive men don’t say they are wrong. Oh yes they do, they say oh I’m sorry, I love you, I won’t do it again, I can’t help it, I love you so much, I will get help, don’t leave me.

And then they do it again. And worse. However it’s irrelevant. This isn’t about if this man is abusive or not, this is about there is a tiny baby at risk and a man who either needs to get help or get out.

Every shaken baby is due to anger......

No one would be telling a woman to pack her bags and leave the baby because she shouted “FFS” when getting weed on.... not entirely appropriate but an understandable response.

Adjusting to a newborn can be bloody hard. I’m not defending his behaviour but I can understand it. He’s likely frustrated and unsure of himself, feeling a bit rejected as baby prefers mum and generally in a bit of a state.

I found the crying hard to deal with when my son was a newborn (boy he was a screamer) and I definitely put him down in his cot at times and walked out, feeling angry and shouting a bit to let off some steam. Great parenting? No. Abusive? No. Human? Yes. I’d have never hurt a hair on that baby’s head though. I feel like this dad is getting judged harshly because he’s the man. If the mum was displaying the same behaviour, people would be telling her to sort it out, but not to leave.

Just to throw out there, men can get depressed after babies arrive. I think the statistic is 10% of all new fathers end up with depression. And quite often anxiety and depression comes out as anger in men. My husband found adjusting to a newborn incredibly difficult, you could see the distress and panic on his face when the baby cried for the first few weeks. He’s a wonderful father, he was just overwhelmed (as was I at first).

Yes, this needs addressing but it sounds like a new father who needs support to adjust. Of course, if it escalates or he isn’t willing to accept support or that his behaviour is inappropriate, then that’s a different story.

The thing is the baby is only 17 days old. The sleep deprivation hasn't even really hit then. What happens when you've had 4,6,9 months of no sleep?

And yes op, I've got a baby, I haven't forgotten what it was like. I had a c section and my husband had to care for the baby a lot.

And yes, I would leave to protect my baby if my dh thought my baby was lying about being hungry. That's some psycho shit.

No one would be telling a woman to pack her bags and leave the baby because she shouted “FFS” when getting weed on.... not entirely appropriate but an understandable response

Of course not. And no one would be suggesting he did either if that was all it was.

It’s always beneficial to read the op properly before commenting.

OP, you might want to do some reading around post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You say your husband found the birth horrifying and presumably thought you or your baby was in great danger. Traumatic birth is a common trigger for PTSD for some women, and for their partners who witness it. Emotional numbness, irritability and anger, and feeling cut off from people can be common symptoms. As well as post natal depression. The best thing might be for him to contact the GP and mention PND and PTSD, start a ball rolling. The midwifery team can also do a debrief, going through the birth explaining what happened and why, and that can be really helpful too. Good luck x x

I'm going to risk posting without reading the full thread. My husband didn't react well when our second child was born. Culminated in him rough handling him into a vest one night and making him cry, I 'caught' this in action and called him out on it, husband took a step towards me and I briefly thought he would hit me, he didn't and backed down. He went to GP. GP prescribed him at John's wart for low mood and mindfulness meditating. He also self referred to a course of cbt. He worked out that sleep deprivation had an impact. So basically after the birth of our second child my husband had a form of pmd. Can happen. Sorry typing fast I want to go to bed 😅 Just wanted to let you know this can happen. It would have broken our marriage if he hadn't taken action.

We're 3yrs on now and if he's run out of St John's wort, blimey you can tell