Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

[bluemoon2468]

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

@2bazookas

red flag, red flag.

Don't leave the baby alone with him in case he completely loses the plot, shakes him or worse.

Totally agree with this 17 days old and acting the way he is !! I would 100% be packing his bags if it was my baby.

Gosh, I don't like the sound of that one bit. And, I mean this kindly, you're minimising it too. You were concerned enough to post some really worrying examples, I think you should take heed of the posters telling you that this could escalate.

I think you need to tell someone what you said here IRL and quick sharp too.

I hope it settles down, but, please, please be on your guard and don't be afraid to do whatever it is you have to do to keep you both safe.

I had terrible PND was DS was born and I behaved a lot like OPs DH. I'm not proud of it. I felt like DS knew I was a terrible mum and so was deliberately trying to break me down. I was no good for him, I hadn't managed to breastfeed him and this was how he was letting me know how shit I was. I was a crying screaming mess. I would get angry with DS when none of the things I tried would settle him and on more than one occasion had to walk away because I couldn't trust myself to be around him. This wasn't during a pandemic and it was with regular HV visits to check on us.

I had early intervention and medication but I still felt this way for weeks before I got it under control. My husband didn't leave me and nobody "protected" DS from me either in fact I was left with him alone for 12+ hours a day while DH worked. He's 11 months bow and an absolute delight.

OP your DH probably needs help, he has to get this himself because if he doesn't engage it won't work.

(Also just to clarify he didn't shout at the baby. When I said he raised his voice I meant that he spoke in a louder voice that had a frustrated tone. He definitely didn't shout, in fact I don't think I've ever heard him shout. Sorry if that concerned anyone.)

because he said 'oh FFS' to his son at 4am

raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc.

Funny how the story changes.

-He shouted ‘oh ffs’ at your baby
-He said he couldn’t look at the baby because he was so angry at him - not in the heat of a sleepless night with baby screaming either, but afterwards when the baby was being cute as you describe

• He thinks his baby is faking and lying
• He got pissed off with you when you told him off for it rather than realising straight away how out of order he was and being sorry for it
• He didn’t support you during a traumatic birth because he was off crying in a corner and he isn’t supporting you in the aftermath because he makes it all about him and cries whenever you bring it up

Your first post also implies you think you might be somehow in the wrong and your desire to protect your baby from his anger and hostility might just be down to hormones?

Your subsequent posts about how kind and gentle and wonderful he is don’t really match with those facts. If he is kind and gentle generally then he should be horrified with himself. He wouldn’t then get pissed off with you when you call him on it?

And you’re now coming up with ways to make it all easier for him like giving him uninterrupted sleep or time out to exercise.

What has he suggested to make things easier for you? Because he’s so kind and such a good partner? Surely he doesn’t want to add extra stress to his wife who is breastfeeding, equally sleep deprived and also recovering from a birth so traumatic that it made him cry uncontrollably in a corner? So he will of course be looking at finding support for himself and manage his irrational anger so that it never impacts his wife and baby again?

OP, I'm trying to be fair here but the tone of your original post to the tone on your latest post has become one of minimising what's happening. That in itself is little concerning tbh.

feministfemme

I think any decent parent would understand the other parents concern and would feel scared enough of their own feelings that they would see removing themselves as necessary.

If I was acting like this, I would do the right thing.

I’m genuinely sorry if you feel ‘got at’ by some of the replies on this thread, OP. You’re a new mum and this must all be quite stressful.

But I have to reiterate that this is really concerning behaviour from your DH. Being a bit grumpy because you’re sleep deprived is understandable, but showing anger towards a newborn in any way, shape or form is a very, very worrying behaviour. Whether it’s a new thing or not for your husband, it’s a massive concern. Objectively, it’s quite easy to see. Maybe harder for you being so close to the situation.

I’m sorry if that’s upsetting to hear, but you asked and people have responded.

OP, I'm trying to be fair here but the tone of your original post to the tone on your latest post has become one of minimising what's happening. That in itself is little concerning tbh.

Yes, she’s minimising and backtracking now.

OP I’m very sorry that you’re having to deal with this but you need to face up to the reality and put your child first. I hope you’re ok.

Highly worrying

You're now going to not do anything other than tak to him about it

Frightening. Truly frightening. If what your original post is true.

@AliasGrape

-He shouted ‘oh ffs’ at your baby -He said he couldn’t look at the baby because he was so angry at him - not in the heat of a sleepless night with baby screaming either, but afterwards when the baby was being cute as you describe

• He thinks his baby is faking and lying
• He got pissed off with you when you told him off for it rather than realising straight away how out of order he was and being sorry for it
• He didn’t support you during a traumatic birth because he was off crying in a corner and he isn’t supporting you in the aftermath because he makes it all about him and cries whenever you bring it up

Your first post also implies you think you might be somehow in the wrong and your desire to protect your baby from his anger and hostility might just be down to hormones?

Your subsequent posts about how kind and gentle and wonderful he is don’t really match with those facts. If he is kind and gentle generally then he should be horrified with himself. He wouldn’t then get pissed off with you when you call him on it?

And you’re now coming up with ways to make it all easier for him like giving him uninterrupted sleep or time out to exercise.

What has he suggested to make things easier for you? Because he’s so kind and such a good partner? Surely he doesn’t want to add extra stress to his wife who is breastfeeding, equally sleep deprived and also recovering from a birth so traumatic that it made him cry uncontrollably in a corner? So he will of course be looking at finding support for himself and manage his irrational anger so that it never impacts his wife and baby again?

All of this!

AliasGrape

I agree with everything you have said. It’s very concerning.

I think you’re wise to step away now OP - we had a similar incident, traumatic prem birth, DH is very logical and ‘if I do x, the result will be y’, had never been around babies and really struggled with the completely illogical nature of a newborn baby. He got stressed one night and did a similar ‘FFS’, stomped out of the room and threw his phone on the floor. I went mental and told him that was completely unacceptable, I wouldn’t tolerate that sort of temper etc (although I’ve certainly had my stressed out moments too where I’ve sworn and had to leave the room due to endless crying and sleep deprivation).

He was horrified and didn’t recognise himself, he was so remorseful afterwards and said he was really struggling with everything and just didn’t understand why what he was doing wasn’t working.

Something clicked after that night, he did some reading online and completely reordered his thinking around DD and her needs and to not take it personally if he couldn’t settle her. Once he’d accepted that babies have no logic and sometimes they just cry and there’s nothing you can do about it, it all just washed over him and he was super calm.

He’s not raised his voice since and is the most loving, attentive father, even when she is tantrumming or being difficult. She’s now a crazy two year old and they are best friends, she loves her daddy more than mummy now .

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

OP, I'm trying to be fair here but the tone of your original post to the tone on your latest post has become one of minimising what's happening. That in itself is little concerning tbh.

Yes, she’s minimising and backtracking now.

OP I’m very sorry that you’re having to deal with this but you need to face up to the reality and put your child first. I hope you’re ok.

Shes not minimising and back tracking, she's being attacked by certain posters on this thread and has reverted to defensive mode!

I think a lot of posters need to stop projecting from their own horrific childhood experiences and step the fuck away from this thread, because they certainly aren't helping the OP!

This thread is a classic example of the MN double standard.

Filter the OPs posts only and read them PROPERLY and not with your confirmation bias goggles on. If a new dad had posted what the OP did about his wife the posters wouldn't be piling in to tell him his wife was a child abuser in the making and he should pack her bags and tell her to fuck off!

They would be demanding that he gets her help for her PND RIGHT NOW!

@bluemoon2468 you've had some really helpful constructive comments so I would take those on board, ignore the rest and actually I'd probably ask MN to delete the thread because it's getting nasty and quite upsetting.

Good luck

MindatWork

Sounds like something from a film. And everything is perfect now. Let’s all pretend OPs child isn’t in any danger....erm... no.

I’m not coming at this from my own terrible childhood memories, I’m coming at it as a safeguarding professional.

@FrangipaniWHOOOOO

@ChickenDoughnut So what is the next natural step other than counselling and support? (which OP has already said they are starting on a path down).

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze erm, no it’s my life . Is it really past the bounds of your understanding that someone might ha e different experiences and opinions as you?

He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me

Nothing to do with boobs. Baby has worked out his Dad's a cunt.

Sorry to be flippant OP. Think there are red flags there though. These are not reasonable thoughts towards an innocent baby.

I can’t give a proper professional opinion to strangers on the internet.

But from what little the OP has told us, I would want to see evidence that both parents are taking this seriously. That may mean the father not being left in sole charge of the baby until he has engaged with therapeutic help.

DS is 7 months now and DH also took parental leave and had no other dad friends.

He NEVER behaved like this toward DS.

At this age your DS is overwhelmed and a bit scared to be outside you. He’s only just getting to grips with the big world and will continue to get more challenging until you come out of the ‘newborn fog’ at about 4 months x

FrangipaniWHOOOOO

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze
OP, I'm trying to be fair here but the tone of your original post to the tone on your latest post has become one of minimising what's happening. That in itself is little concerning tbh.

Yes, she’s minimising and backtracking now.

OP I’m very sorry that you’re having to deal with this but you need to face up to the reality and put your child first. I hope you’re ok.

Shes not minimising and back tracking, she's being attacked by certain posters on this thread and has reverted to defensive mode!

Her husband verbally attacks her 17 day old baby she wants to revert to defensive mode then and tell him to fuck off until he has spoken to someone about his issues instead of making things better for HIM.

Tricky one OP, men can struggle with a newborn, but also if he is feeling this way and saying the things he is saying I would be hesitant to leave him alone with your child. If he is genuinely getting really angry and actually believe the baby is doing it on purpose, he needs some help by the sound of it. He could maybe contact PANDAs x

It is entirely logical and predictable that a baby would act like a baby, that after spending months in a safe, warm, dark environment where they’re never cold or hungry or far away from their mother’s heartbeat or smell that they find being out in the world scary and difficult to adjust to. It’s very logical that a newborn with no developed circadian rhythm nor any understanding of night and day, who has been rocked and lulled to sleep in the womb during the daytime and then woken up when the mother rested at night would be born ‘nocturnal’ and not able to sleep at night.

The information and understanding of the 4th trimester has been around for a while and is readily available, perhaps if some of these logical, practical, solution orientated fathers read it they’d be less likely to lose their rag with their newborns?

The sarcy tone is wrong of me I know but is perhaps influenced with my own frustration at my husband and his genuine bafflement at times when our own tiny baby acts exactly like a tiny baby.

That might be a helpful suggestion though @bluemoon2468 - your husband should read up on the 4th trimester and get into the habit of seeing his son for the tiny, overwhelmed and vulnerable baby he is. I know constantly reminding myself of that helps in my own frustrated moments when I feel I must be doing something wrong.

I really am genuinely concerned by how much of this is your issue though and by how much extra you seem to be willing to take on to make things better for him. Yes men need support too, get pnd too, struggle at times and all that but right now he is not the one with the feeding, the huge hormonal changes, the physical recovery etc. He’s the one that needs to do the work here (of getting himself to a place where he can be a decent parent and not still angry with your son HOURS after whatever it was that originally upset him), not you.