Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

[bluemoon2468]

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

[Tissueboxcover]

There are loads of things a new father can do.
Shopping, cooking, cleaning, bathing, winding, changing nappies, laundry. None of this involves attributing blame or responsibility for his frustration onto a tiny, newborn baby.
I would still be wary and careful because there are still red flags.

[FlanForThree]

OP, you posted asking for advice and you obviously don’t like a lot of the advice you have received. I think you were expecting only replies that reassured you that your DH’s behaviour was normal and not a big deal, and it must have been a shock to see so many women expressing concern for your baby.

But your original post rang alarm bells for a it of us. Please try to understand why it caused alarm. Newborn babies are so very, very vulnerable and there is no room for any kind of anger, aggression or blame where they are concerned. It’s too dangerous. Your husband’s attitude was alarming. I would say the same thing to my sister or best friend, if she were in your situation. I’d be worried.

I’m glad you talked to your HV, anyway.

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

I think there’s even more minimising going on here. An extremely alarming opening post turned into you backtracking and now you’ve spoken to a professional and all is well, no concerns, it’s common, it’s almost a normal response to tiredness and a crying baby. It’s absolutely isn’t.

I really hope that you’re doing the right thing OP and that your baby isn’t at risk.

[GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea]

I'm surprised at the speed with which a health visitor was available to chat! In our area we can't get a face to face visit nor can we go into the health centre to speak to someone! It's 2 weeks minimum for a callback.

That aside, I think if the HV read OPs first post rather than the potentially minimised version then she wouldn't have been quite as happy to brush it off as 'normal' the way she appears to have done! I'm quite frankly surprised by her response.

[Murcielago]

Sorry I don't buy this. The HV has magically confirmed all the things you said your husband has done/said are absolutely normal. Not for a minute. It is all about how your present the story but,no, blaming and shouting about a baby lying about being hungry etc is not normal no matter how much you try to play this down. The twisted thinking in thinking a newborn could somehow fake emotions/ needs is appalling and speaks volunes about something dark in your DH. This can't be glossed over this because a minimised version of the story has been given to a HV. That this is your source of relief suggests you just want to play happy families instead of waking up to the scary truth that your DH thought your newborn baby was an attention seeking liar...

[pollysproggle]

Reading that made me feel sick. Poor baby, i wouldn't be leaving him alone with the baby for one minute.
It's not normal at all and he needs to seek help or fuck off.

[BertieBloopsMum]

I do hope that your DH continues to be calmer around his tiny baby now. Because shaking a baby in frustration can - and does- do enormous damage.