Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

[bluemoon2468]

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

[Stuckinnow]

And put it this way OP (and I'm very sorry for you). If social services knew about your husband's behaviour, your family would be under investigation. He is dangerous. That's not hysterical.

[Smallsteps88]

If you missed my post, I said he thinks that the things he has said and losing his temper are completely unacceptable and he knows he needs to calm down and stop blaming the baby.

So you’re still avoiding the question. I asked you if he was horrified or shocked. I’m guessing he wasn’t. And actually from the way you phrased your OP I can see that you weren’t shocked either. Which confirms my suspicion that this isn’t a first time at all and it isn’t out of character.

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

She knows it's not normal though? She knows it and he knows it, so they're trying to work through it.

No. She needs to firstly make sure the baby is safe and not left alone with her husband. Then he needs to get help. Instead she’s minimising and treading carefully around him so as not to set him off. It’s very, very concerning.

[ChickenDoughnut]

@Stuckinnow

And put it this way OP (and I'm very sorry for you). If social services knew about your husband's behaviour, your family would be under investigation. He is dangerous. That's not hysterical.

This is the truth of the matter.

Have you told a health professional about your husband’s attitude? Or any family members? If you are concealing it, you might want to ask whether that’s because you know, deep down, it’s concerning.

[feministfemme]

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze I guess I see it as if she were to tread carefully, she wouldn't mention it was a problem and try and work through it. They both clearly know that it's unacceptable behaviour, but this may easily be a communication issue rather than a safety issue (e.g. he's not great at expressing when he's overwhelmed)

"I've had a chat with him. He has definitely acknowledged that he's losing his temper way more than he should and that he needs to try and calm down, but says he finds the lack of sleep extremely hard. He certainly doesn't think his behaviour is okay."

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

I’ve just asked my partner what he thinks. He said if he had those thoughts and was saying these things then he would remove himself until he worked out what the fuck was wrong with himself. He said it would scare him that he could think like that, that he wouldn’t expect me to have to deal with that on top of a bad birth and caring for a newborn.

[Happyheartlovelife]

@GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea

Newborn stage IS hard, but how many of us can say we spoke to/about our 2 week old baby like that?? I'm quite shocked actually at the amount of people saying aw poor daddy hasn't had enough sleep when clearly OP hasn't either AND she's breastfeeding which puts extra work on her than her DH has to contend with.

I agree

The red flag isn't why it's happened

It's how he's behaved and how he's reacted.

Unless someone had a perfect baby. Everyone finds it hard

You've only had 17 days. Wait till the child is sick and you've been 5 days without sleeping

They thought my child had leukaemia when she was 1. We spent a week in hospital. Waiting for her cell blood test to come back

I had another child so had to be on my own whilst my husband looked after them

5 of those nights I didn't sleep. She was then poorly for almost 3 years after that. Every 10 days roughly. For 3 years. She'd be sick for around 5 days. I barely slept the whole time. My husband worked away. So I had no slee. It much help. It was horrific.

But my point is. He's 17 days. They aren't even at the hard part yet. Really the first few years are hard. Then if you've got a sick child. Really hard. I don't even know how I managed to stay standing most of that time. I lived off coffee. No sleep.

[Happyheartlovelife]

Pressed send

But at no point. Ever. Did I ever say. For fuck sakes with anger at my child

No mattter how sleep derived I was. And I was incredibly sleep deprived. So much so that it caused my own illnesses. Did I ever get angry. Did I ever say I was too angry to even look at my child.

[bluemoon2468]

@Smallsteps88 okay well I've told you that it's very out of character for him, and that he is upset by his own behaviour and wants to change. I've also made it clear that I'm shocked and want the behaviour to change too. You can either believe what I'm saying or not, but if not you're essentially accusing me of lying, and I'm not really sure what your basis for that is. This is an anonymous forum - if I was in an abusive relationship I would just say so. I'll reiterate again, this is the first time I've ever seen this sort of behaviour from him and it's very out of character. Take from that what you want!

[Blueberries0112]

@lowbudgetnigella

I think it would be good to praise his good interactions, like when you went in just now , something like "it's lovely to see you cuddling like that" praise him for being a good dad (when he is!) perhaps he is used to being good at things and feels out of his depth here. Most of us respond better to our confidence being lifted. Also so many new mums do everything and it always has to be their way, the dads can feel as if they are useless so stop trying. Let him know you will get through this together and you need him.

That would make me feel like I am raising a second child. Can’t his counselor work with him so his wife can focus on their newborn?

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

feministfemme

He sees it as unacceptable once he’s calmed down. My concern is when he feels angry, there’s no point being sorry after if something really awful has happened.

[Smallsteps88]

I mean accusing a baby of lying or faking hunger- that’s contempt. For a 17 day old baby. That’s so far beyond tiredness or frustration.

[Happyheartlovelife]

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]@Happyheartlovelife hope you're ok 💕[/quote]
Ahh

Thank you! Yes. I'm all good now ❤️❤️

[Stuckinnow]

@bluemoon2468 you might not be in an abusive relationship, but your poor baby is. Being shouted at and blamed as a tiny, vulnerable child. You are living in cloud cuckoo land to try to think think this is in any way normal or understandable. I'm honestly not even sure whether to report your post so someone looks into this. I'm so disturbed at the idea of your baby being shouted at.

[CovidNightmare]

Oh god, this takes me right back to when ds(16) was a baby and dh was getting frustrated with him while changing his nappy. In my hormonal state I even remember what I said "don't ever make me feel I need to protect my baby from you....because I will".

My murderous tone must have made something click with him and he's been a doting patient dad ever since. I think he was just verbalising his stress of not being able to remove a dirty nappy/hold a poo covered baby/get a wipe to clean all at the same time, but unaware of how awful it sounded.

[feministfemme]

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze I agree, which is why it's important to get counselling and support to prevent his anger building / getting worse if he feels out of control. I think if you can try and get help then that's preferable before calling it quits, particularly when you factor in that OP seems very dedicated to this relationship and says it's totally out of character for him.

[Smallsteps88]

if I was in an abusive relationship I would just say so.

Not necessarily. You mightn’t even recognise that you are. Or you might be in denial. It takes a lot to get to the point where you recognise you’re being abused and are able to say it. Because doing that means you have to take action that will change your life and that’s scary. So no, you wouldn’t just say if you were in an abusive relationship.

[CovidNightmare]

should of added.... if it had been repeated I would have dealt with it. I would not allowed it to become a common occurrence.

[Smallsteps88]

Fwiw the behaviour of your husband towards his child is an abusive relationship. Your 17 day old baby.

[feministfemme]

@Smallsteps88 What's been said that suggests she's in an abusive relationship?

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

feministfemme

I agree. But OPs husband shouldn’t be left alone with the baby until he has his anger under control. Something tells me that if OP suggested that to her husband, this too would anger him. Like I say, I find this extremely concerning and I can understand the PP who has mentioned reporting the post so someone looks into it.

[Smallsteps88]

[quote feministfemme]@Smallsteps88 What's been said that suggests she's in an abusive relationship?[/quote]
OP asserted that she would just say if she was in an Abusive relationship. I was pointing out that that’s not always the true. I didn’t say she was in one.

[bluemoon2468]

Okay thanks everyone, I think I'm going to leave it there personally. I appreciate that this is just a forum and therefore posts lack a lot of context, and people can only respond based on what I've written, but knowing the entirity of the situation I feel that many of these posts are jumping to quite extreme conclusions. If I felt that my son was in harm's way I would be the first to protect him - I've made it very clear to my husband that I don't think his frustration/anger or language is acceptable at all and I don't want to hear anything else like that going forward. He agrees wholeheartedly. We have come up with a plan to help him get some mental health/coping support and also catch up on some sleep. I don't think my son is at risk of being physically harmed - I appreciate that some may not agree but you also don't know my husband or the situation in full. I'm not planning on leaving my husband for struggling like this, and I would hope he wouldn't leave me if things were reversed. Sorry if people think I'm minimising... I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. I feel that I'm taking this as seriously as it needs to be taken but I don't think by not walking out of the door, calling the police/social services, banning him from contact with his son for life, getting a restraining order etc. etc. because he said 'oh FFS' to his son at 4am I'm being irresponsible. I'm sure some of you will disagree.

Thanks so much for the kinder, more compassionate comments that gave practical suggestions. I've taken them all on board and so has my husband. Hoping we'll be able to put this all behind us and allow him to be the great dad I know he can be.

[feministfemme]

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze I think anyone being separated from their baby would get angry / upset though? I would, and I think OP would but neither of us are dangerous to children. Ultimately though everything we say is speculation and only OP or potentially her husband know what their dynamic is like (though if she feels in any way in danger or her child is, she should seek help).

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

OP please talk to your Health Visitor, they're there to help