Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

[bluemoon2468]

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

[Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]

And yes, I would leave to protect my baby if my dh thought my baby was lying about being hungry. That's some psycho shit

Indeed. Utterly sickening.

[bluemoon2468]

Just wanted to update this for anyone who might come across this thread and have experienced similar. Sorry to those who have replied with supportive suggestions... I stopped reading after my last post as I found many of the replies quite upsetting and not very constructive.

We spoke to the HV who said that these thoughts and feelings are very, very common, much more so than people realise as many people are ashamed to talk about it (not surprised if people react like many did on here!) I think the core of the problem for my husband is that he was desperate to be helpful and not leave me to do everything, and yet he felt that he couldn't do anything right and therefore he wasn't able to make things easier for me. When the baby cried more with him than me he felt really guilty and felt like he was a rubbish dad and I was somehow better at all of this than him. At nighttime he was desperate to be able to keep the baby quiet so that I could get some sleep, so got really upset when he wasn't able to do that. Add sleep deprivation onto that and it all came out in a very negative way. Unfortunately the HV was only able to recommend a self-referral to IAPT which he has completed but the waiting list in our area is around 6 months. However she reassured us that his symptoms seem very mild and very common, and she has no concerns at all about his capability as a parent... and yes we were 100% honest with her about everything. He's been really receptive to reading all the links I've sent him about the 4th trimester, cluster feeding etc. and has found them very useful and interesting. I'm pleased to say that after talking about it, it seems like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and he's back to his old self. I've seen absolutely no frustration towards the baby at all since then.

Thanks so much again to everyone who was supportive and helpful 💕 Early days, but I'm feeling positive at the moment.

[FingersCrossedForAllOfUs]

Hi OP,

I just wanted to say how pleased I was to read your update. I think you have both dealt with this so well and done exactly the right thing in talking about it and reaching out for help. I think you received some awful unhelpful comments initially which were uncalled for.
I’m glad to hear your DH feels a weight has been lifted. I hope things settle down now into a good routine and you can both move forward. You sound like really loving parents who only want the best for your baby. I wish you both well.

[Anurulz]

Am glad you both reached out for support and things are getting easier. I wish all 3 of you all the very best..

[LolaLollypop]

Glad to hear it OP. A newborn is a massive upheaval for everyone involved, not just the mum. And not everyone feels the way they’re supposed to all of the time. I’m glad that you were both able to talk it through and get some help.
And the magic mantra is (and it’s true!).... it does get easier!!

[Smallsteps88]

However she reassured us that his symptoms seem very mild and very common

Symptoms? What illness did she’s suggest he has?

[Aria999]

Going to risk posting without rtft (I saw your update).

Update sounds good. Glad DH is feeling better.

People say weird things when they're stressed with a new baby. Your whole life has changed and it affects people in different ways. I'm sure I said a few things in the middle of a sleepless night that i didn't really mean, to express my frustration. DH was supportive. I love dd and would never really be annoyed with her deeply, none of it is her fault, but sometimes it's very frustrating. (She's 9mo now). Newborns are hard work.

As long as you're talking to each other and helping each other where you can you will probably be ok.

[bluemoon2468]

@Smallsteps88 she carried out what I'm guessing was a generic screener for postnatal mental health difficulties. Apparently he was a couple of points above the 'normal' range which indicated mild difficulties.

[Chocaholic9]

@TummyTurtle

Have you considered that it could be post natal depression? Increased anger and irritability is a common symptom of PND for fathers.

Be kind to him, although I appreciate how easy it is to get cross in the moment. Having a baby is a huge change and exhaustion causes us to be completely different people to how we are normally.

Sending you an un-mumsnetty hug

PND for fathers? How does that work - they don't do through massive hormonal fluctuations like women do.

[Chocaholic9]

*go through

[Incrediblytired]

Oh my goodness OP, some of these responses!

Seriously I just wanted to pop by and say - this is all so normal! It’s never how anyone expects it to be and parenting a fussy newborn is so bloody hard. Especially when all you’ve ever seen is one sleeping peacefully in a beer garden whilst the relaxed parents sip on pimms (I mean who the fuck are these people?!?!)

My own experience was of a stressful, endlessly crying, fussy baby and we did not parent the way we expected to. I was breastfeeding so I did the nights, husband slept on the sofa for 3 month and looked after me in the day. The man cannot function on no sleep and I was convinced he would have a car accident or something if u tried to make him...when I eventually confessed this to my NCT group it turned out we were all doing the same!

Your husband could easily have some reactive depression - people saying “it’s not pnd because his hormones haven’t changed” are narrow minded - stress can cause depression BUT don’t be in a rush to pathologise it this early, it’s only been a couple of weeks and could be transient.

I will give you two things - the best advice anyone ever gave me and my mantra.

Advice : if you are all alive for the first 6 weeks then you are absolutely doing brilliantly. This is all you need to achieve.

My mantra “this too shall pass” I promise it will.

[LoopyLoux]

OP you've completely backtracked from your post.
Did you exaggerate in your original post? Is the original post true but you don't like the replies so have toned it down?

Either way, this is a fully grown man getting angry at his fresh from the womb, tiny, helpless baby. God help you and your son when he becomes a headstrong toddler. Very concerning IMO.

[QueenOfPain]

This is worrying, I certainly wouldn’t be leaving him alone with the baby for any prolonged period. I wouldn’t be confident how resilient he would be in the event of any prolonged crying or difficulty settling.

He needs to know that the language he is using and his lack of insight into

[QueenOfPain]

What a baby can or can’t express.

[FagashJackie]

It's really not normal for a dad to be so horrid about a new born. I breast fed LIKE HELL. But my DH did everything else in the kindest most gentle way, that's why I love him.

[claireyjs]

Men can suffer from post natal depression too and its a massive adjystment for both of you having baby around. He may be feeling overwhelmed and over tired. Try talking yo him about how you are feeling and see if he opens up. I would also have a look into whether there are any father and baby groups local to you. Give him time to adjust to this new aspect of his identity. Hope all goes well for you

[Bouledeneige]

I was seriously concerned to read your Post OP. I have read your follow up comments as well. I think you should be very concerned about the protection of your baby. I think your partner's mindset is very disturbing and psychopathic.

I had a very cryie baby who also had reflux and colic. It went on for at least 6 -9 months and I had PND. I never had any notion that my child was being deliberate or anything other than being in distress. The lack of empathy and ascribing of malicious motivation is not normal. Please don't minimise. I know after you have a baby you feel reliant on your partner and feel the need of their protection - but your child needs your protection more.

[ApricotOLeary]

Does he now understand that a newborn baby can't lie or fake about being hungry and that them giving you a bad night's sleep isn't something they can help or that you should still be angry with them about the next day? What did the hv say about that? Hopefully not that it's normal

[Smallsteps88]

Men can never be post natal, so they can never suffer from post natal depression. They can suffer from depression, caused by the shock to their system of having a new baby in their lives but it isn’t post natal depression. I’d run a mile from a HV or HCP that tried to screen any man for PND. Did she mention a referral to women’s aid or social services?

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Men can never be post natal thank you!! I’m sick of hearing this phrase!!!

[CodenameVillanelle]

Men don't get post natal depression. It's a female condition caused by being POST NATAL

[MaMaD1990]

Telling him to get a grip is the worst way of handling this. I was your husband when my baby was new. Sleep deprevation combined with having no clue why your baby is crying is soul destroying for some people. Have you actually asked him why he reacts the way he does? Ask if he needs anything to help him stay calm. Does he need to go for a walk, a nap, to see a friend or parents? People forget that men can also have postnatal depression and they need support too. Its not down to them alone to support the new mum and by the sounds of it, you're coping well so perhaps a bit of old fashioned communication and support wouldn't go a miss.

[bluemoon2468]

I said I assume that's what it was... it could have been a generic screener for depression for all I know. I didn't ask her the name of the tool she was using.

@Smallsteps88 no, she didn't. I've made it clear she wasn't concerned about the safety of our child, so why would she refer to social services? Also as someone who works closely with social services in my job, it's nightmare enough trying to get them involved when there is severe child abuse going on in my experience, what with how overstretched they are. I would love to see how quickly that referral would be bounced back.

I've made it pretty clear to you that I'm not in an abusive relationship, in fact I'm in a very happy relationship. You have posted multiple times on this thread saying that you don't believe me and still continue to insinuate that I am with your Women's Aid comment. No, my HV had no DV concerns... nor do I... nor does anyone I know. Apparently you know better though? Please, tell me more about my relationship you clearly know so much about.

[Smallsteps88]

I've made it clear she wasn't concerned about the safety of our child, so why would she refer to social services?

Because she has a duty of care to your baby.

[Smallsteps88]

OP- regardless of whether you are happy or not, your husband’s behaviour is massively concerning. I am far from the only person on this thread to think that. I’ve been here long enough and known enough women in real life to know what isn’t being said. Your first post, which I see you now regret being so honest in, tells a story that many of us here recognise.