Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

[bluemoon2468]

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

@bluemoon2468 I had to do exactly that when my youngest was 3 months old because I had a suddenly very angry DP and I was more worried about my defenceless baby than a grown man. He also hadn't harmed her, but his shouty, aggressive attitude towards her wasn't worth the damage it might do - physical or otherwise. I know you want to support him and I understand that, but there's a baby in the mix and his needs are paramount.

It sounds like he is really struggling. Maybe you can redistribute responsibilities in a way that suits you both. I always found it easier to deal with the nights, so I did night times and then my husband got up early to take over. So he had a good nights sleep and then I had a solid chunk of sleep from 5-9 in the morning. He understandably wants to parent ‘50/50’ but that doesn’t have to mean you doing the same thing. You can do more of the nights and he can step up in other ways. He sounds like he may be reluctant, but You need him to be well so that he can support you.

OP my husband also struggled with the lack of sleep - this with a very stressful job at the time made him quite miserable.
We got a decent air bed and he spent about 5 out of 7 nights on that in the lounge with earplugs in so he could get a better sleep. At the weekends he was so much fresher and able to help me more with the night feeds. I always said to him “there’s no point us both being exhausted through no sleep”.

My grandma left her husband with 7 kids in the early 1960’s , she told me all sort of abuses her kids had to deal with, and majority of the time it was because he had this unrealistic idea of child and somehow they can think like adults if I can explain it well. My grandma had to use the kiddie potty so he when come home, he wouldn’t get angry they didn’t use the potty.

He may or may not have paternal depression but it's worth keeping an eye on it. Some useful info and resources here www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/about-us/tommys-midwives-blog/postnatal-depression-men

@bluemoon2468 I keep seeing you say he was horrified at the thought he would Hurt baby but you’re not responding to the question of whether he was horrified at his current behaviour towards him. You say he is such a sensitive man and this behaviour is out of the blue so isn’t he absolutely shocked by it? What is he saying about it? It sounds like he thinks it’s only a problem if he feels like hurting the baby and will remove himself at that point but doesn’t point but doesnt need to do anything about behaviour up to that point. Like his current behaviour is fine because it isn’t physically harming the baby.

Hi Op just to say my dh really struggled with the newborn phase. He didn't make comments like yours has, but wa clearly very overwhelmed and sometimes quite frustrated, although more at himself (not being able to 'fix' the problem) than with our ds. I also bf and what helped us was him taking more of the house stuff on (cooking, cleaning, shopping) while I did more of the baby care. Just for a bit. We also slept in shifts too,so we both got a decent bit of sleep.

You mentioned online communities so can I suggest Redit? My dh is on there and they have subs like Dadit, New Parents, Ask Men etc. My dh found those helpful and also would spend some down time looking at 'calming' pages, to zone out a bit sometimes; just random crap like food pages, pictures of silly animals, shite like that.

Fwiw once our boy started being a little more interactive, things massively improved. He got our boys first smile and laugh and now at 10 months they're thick as theives. Sometimes it's still overwhelming, say during a particularly bad teething stint or when you think they're done pooping but they're not... But the bond is strong enough now that it just doesn't have that same affect.

I do just want to say though... Please don't take on too much, in order to make things easier for him. I understand you want to support him, I was the same, but running yourself into the ground so he can have down time might create its own set of problems. You all need to look after each other xxx

@MJMG2015

This is bad. Your baby is 17 days old and DH is talking about faking/lying & he doesn't want to look at him because he's so angry with him - that's just madness.

Personally I'd be packing his bags & telling him to fuck off - you don't need him making things harder for you!

Newborn babies cry for a reason. It's the parents job to find out what that reason is. It's their only firm if communication. They can't say 'Daddy dearest, I fear I have a gastric upset' or 'Oi ya git, you've got the room at 25 degrees & I'm bloody melting in all this clobber!

He's 17 days out of a very soft, temperature controlled, environment. Everything is new & potentially uncomfortable/difficult/hot/cold/loud

17 days.

I totally agree with you here. I was shocked reading the post. I wouldn't feel safe around Him. The baby is 17 years old and her husband is acting like a spoilt child. He would definitely be out the door.

Oh goodness, what a lot of hysteria on this thread. I can only assume some PPs either had very easy newborns or have forgotten what it's like! It's totally normal to be feeling out of control when you have a 17 day old baby! Your life has turned upside down and it is incredibly hard! It also takes dads longer to bond with their babies because they don't have the same hormones and the same biological connection that comes from the baby having been a part of you for 9 months! It's also normal to have moments of anger, especially when you're shattered and have been woken up for the millionth time. I inwardly "FFS"ed my daughter tons of times and never came anywhere near to hurting her and never would have!

Listen. Obviously needs to have a word with himself because it's not on for him to be saying horrible things to the baby. It won't help, for a start - your baby needs to feel soothed, calmed, and unconditional love from a stable and gentle presence. You know that. Your DH needs to learn it. Did he read any baby books? I rarely recommend this but I think it would help in this instance as he seems to have no idea what to expect from a newborn. He also needs to seek help for the trauma he clearly suffered during the birth. My birth was similar - things were going seriously wrong but I had no idea because I was in and out of consciousness, whereas DH witnessed it all, thought I was going to die and can now barely speak about it without crying and it definitely impacted him.

Parenting is really tough. It's great that you're coping okay right now and can support him. He'll need to return that favour in the future I suspect (just because that's how parenting is, some bits people thrive, others they find really tough!). But for now he needs to sort himself out so he can parent effectively and appropriately. Approaching him with compassion was the right thing to do and I've no doubt he'll step up and get himself sorted. Best of luck to you, OP.

@ChickenDoughnut pretty much it seems

OP I don't need to read into anything . Your husband the father of a two week old baby is stupid enough to believe that a TWO WEEK OLD BABY lies and fakes being hungry and your husband swears when the baby cries and according to YOU , shouts really loudly AT the baby when he weed on an outfit... and is too angry with him to look at him.

You have a huge problem on your hands OP and you posted about it, you are clearly in denial.

The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him

Could your DH speak to his own father over the phone? It might help to get his perspective especially if they are close and your DH can be honest with him. He might not feel able to tell you how he is feeling if you are breastfeeding, exhausted and recovering from a traumatic birth.

Your DH needs to commit to walking away from the situation as soon as he is frustrated and angry. No one plans to shake a baby. He needs to leave the room and calm down.

Your baby can sense anger and will be effected by angry voices.

You know the baby isn't faking anything. Logically your DH should too. He needs to look at why he is reacting like this.

This is just a comment about one angle of the discussion, but a few people have talked about a newborn being easier than a toddler. I'm sure this depends hugely on the child and parents in question. By far the most difficult period for me was around 4-8 weeks, when we had evenings of colicky crying for hours (on top of interrupted sleep). There was absolutely nothing we could do about it, and my nerves were in shreds. I've found toddler misdeeds a breeze in comparison so far. The fact that DC might be deliberately testing boundaries actually makes it feel easier to deal with, because it all feels much more within our control. We know our child better as an individual now, and love them more each day. At 4 weeks, yes we loved them but at times the crying felt like a rogue alarm going off with no off-switch.

So. This might be the hardest bit. It might help him grit his teeth and keep his temper if he knows it might all resolve itself within weeks.

(I didn't know this before having a baby. I thought that if you had a crier, they would just cry endlessly for their entire babyhood. But actually, it usually peaks early on and then drops off massively).

@Smallsteps88 I have responded to that. If you missed my post, I said he thinks that the things he has said and losing his temper are completely unacceptable and he knows he needs to calm down and stop blaming the baby.

I think you’re minimising his behaviour OP. This isn’t in any way normal.
If he’s said he’s nowhere near angry enough to physically hurt the baby, then he should be able to control his language and not even be thinking the things that he is.
As much as you’re saying he’s a great husband, you’ve posted because you know this is a bigger problem than you’re now saying it his. I think stop minimising and insist he seeks some sort of help. I’d be extremely concerned.

@bluemoon2468

Thanks so much to those of you who have given useful advice. I've just walked into the living room and my husband and the baby are having the sweetest cuddle together with my husband beaming down at him. Just want to clarify that he's not a monster, I think he's just struggling with the reality of being a parent to a newborn. I think a lot of it comes down to him feeling really inadequate when he can't stop the baby from crying, and he feels bad when I have to be the one to calm him down and he can't help. I want to help and support him, not vilify him and make him feel even more crap. I'm not sure making him feel like a really terrible father is the answer here 🙈 And yeah 'packing my bags and telling him to fuck off' certainly isn't.

Going to have a chat with him today once things from the night have calmed down and see what we can do to help the situation.

he does need compassion and someone to talk to. but I highly recommend a parental class for him so he doesn’t keep getting all these unrealistic expectations from a child and how to handle it

My DH struggled but with him it was the actual sound of the crying that was a huge trigger for him (he already suffered with anxiety and depression and OCD before baby). Anyway we both realised what was happening and he had to go back on medication as it had triggered the worst depressive episode in a LONG time. 3 years on he is doing amazingly (with another new baby now too) still on the meds though. I would get your DH to list all his symptoms and go to his GP. It’s nothing to be ashamed of but not doing something about it is. It took a while to convince my DH to go to the docs and I had to get quite hard line about it - I was clear I would support him IF he sought help and was working to change things, but if not I would leave.

Good luck, it’s really really not easy I know.

Also I read Your Baby Skin to Skin and I loved it

@bluemoon2468

I've had my own mental health issues in the past and my husband has always stuck by me and has stayed with me through times when tbh I probably wasn't the easiest person to get on with, and if he'd posted some of the things I said or did on a forum people would probably have told him to pack his bags (nothing abusive or anything, just symptoms of anxiety/depression which probably aren't a laugh to put up with day after day). I think he deserves the same compassion from me if he's struggling now. He's always been a person who really struggles with lack of sleep and I knew this would be the part he'd find the hardest about parenting. I appreciate the concerns about him potentially hurting the baby and obviously I'll keep an eye, but I would be extremely surprised. He's generally a very gentle and kind person, and this behaviour is so out of character for him. I'll do a bit of reading about male PND as I didn't even realise that was a thing.

Yes. But there's a difference with anxiety and depression and pretty abusive sayings.

I don't think you should ever say. For fucks sake. To your child.

I'm going to leave this post. As I had a very violent stepfather. This is quite upsetting. That not only are you excusing his behaviour. You're not worried really.

I find this really disturbing. Your husband is a grown man who gets angry with a TINY baby, and you are pussyfooting around trying to work our ways you can make things better for HIM?

I kind of agree with this. You had a traumatic birth but say it was harder for him and so don’t talk about it now. You are a new mother recovering from that traumatic birth and also trying to breastfeed and yet somehow you’re still trying to work out how this whole thing can be made easier for him. Your husband has gotten angry with your tiny defenceless newborn to the point of raising his voice and accusing your baby just out of the womb of lying and being manipulative and yet somehow you’re the one still trying to make things better for him. Because when you told him that it was unacceptable and he needed to get a grip he got angry with you rather than realising the truth of what you were saying.

I have a 12 week old. I know the feelings very well, and we’ve also had moments where my husband has struggled.
But if there was ever a time where your needs came first it’s now - where are you in all this? What support are you getting - from him or elsewhere?

If we accept that he’s generally a wonderful
person and the being angry at a tiny newborn to the point of not being able to look at him is an aberration, then presumably he’ll be so shocked and upset by his own behaviour and feelings that he’ll want to do anything to change them so he can be a more supportive husband and father? Not expecting you to do more and more so he can do less? Has he offered any suggestions of how he can fix it and be a better dad who isn’t angry at his baby, or is it all coming from you?

@Boatonthehorizon

I had a violent father so your OP is quite triggering for me. He also believed and still does believe that children and toddlers and babies are manipulative and you have to enforce your will over their conniving ways. It's an old fashioned view now thank god but connected to what they used to call corporal punishment. I call all of the above 'abuse' and am non contact with my father.

Your baby doesn't just prefer you because of the books. Baby was inside you and part of you for all its life so far.
Also you are kind loving compassionate forgiving empathetic and a harbour.

Him being this cruel, hard and destructive to a baby is unforgivable imo.
Is he treating baby like an employee. Is he in management at work?
Also my dad was worse to boys than girls. Babies too. To harden them up.

I would leave him. Go back to your parents to start with. I'm so sorry x
I wish my mother had left my father.

Same.

I'm finding this post all too familiar.

It's incredibly frightening

It doesn't matter if he is "struggling". You have a defenceless newborn that he so shouting at. That is disgusting. I would be very careful as some people have got "angry" with babies with terrible repercussions. It only takes a few seconds of shaking a baby or something similar for serous consequences, even death. I would tell him to get out. Honestly.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze I think you’re minimising his behaviour OP This isn’t in any way normal.

She knows it's not normal though? She knows it and he knows it, so they're trying to work through it.

I'd be really concerned about leaving the baby alone with him to be honest. Babies become harder as they get out of the newborn stage - I mean, yeah newborns disrupt your sleep at night but the rest of the time they're pretty docile/sleepy in my experience.

How is he going to feel when the baby is a toddler and cries and screams for no reason at all other than they can't play with the toilet brush or can't pull the cats tail?

@Happyheartlovelife hope you're ok 💕

@peachgreen @melisande99 thank you for your measured responses. I'm sure you're both right - maybe there'll be a stage in future that I really struggle to keep my cool with and my husband is the one having to support me to stay calm! Tbh if you'd have taken both our personalities before the baby was born I'd have said I'd be the one more likely to lose my cool!

I think it would be good to praise his good interactions, like when you went in just now , something like "it's lovely to see you cuddling like that" praise him for being a good dad (when he is!) perhaps he is used to being good at things and feels out of his depth here. Most of us respond better to our confidence being lifted. Also so many new mums do everything and it always has to be their way, the dads can feel as if they are useless so stop trying. Let him know you will get through this together and you need him.