Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

[bluemoon2468]

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

No one would have ever suggested to my DH that he kick me out for how I was at times

But you weren’t doing what he is doing and you sought support. Had you not and were behaving like this then yes it could have been suggested to you as your child would have been at risk

I agree Bluntness.

Oh this is bit of a problem. I can understand how tough it is with being tired added to the mix but it's not normal for him to be angry at a new born. Are you sure he has bonded well because to me it seems he hasn't at all. Do you think you can shoulder all the care while he does the domestic errands in the house? Sometimes (most of the time esp with bf babies) they just want the mother. I'm not the one to say raise it with the authorities immediately but he could also be suffering with some pnd. A 17 year old baby needs to be comforted a lot and could be suffering from colic. There's always a reason why they cry and they can also feel tension and if your husband is being tense I'm sure that doesn't help with the baby.

@soffiee Think you might mean *17 day, though 17 year olds need a lot of comfort too

It is worrying but I do empathise is with the frustration - it can be hard when the baby is fed, clean, winded etc and still fussy. We had the fussiest, refluxy baby ever for our first and it really was hard going.

Will he talk about it when calm? I think NHS do a weekly email for new fathers if you sign up. They used to. Or NSPCC send weekly bonding exercises. I find my DH won't sit and read a whole baby book cover to cover but likes things like My Baby Week by Week as can just read a week or two at a time. This helps
a) prépare mentally if a big growth spurt or teething is on the way for example.
b) understand that the baby isn't unreasonable but just doing what babies are supposed to at this age.

I have to say. I found this thread deeply deeply concerning

This doesn't bode well

My friends partner was like this. Eventually he was diagnosed with a post natal depression for fathers. He was also sectioned. But please please look out for this. You've said quite a few triggering descriptions. Please keep an eye out. pM me if you ever need to chat. Always a friendly ear xx

My DH was a bit like this. He is a very clever, usually kind and gentle man. He's very logical - you do X and Y to fix a problem and it's done. Whatever he's done in life so far he's worked hard at and succeeded. We did NCT, we read the books. Fat lot of good they were.

We soon learned babies don't work like that and we had endless rows when our first was tiny because we would feed, change, wind, cuddle her.... and she'd still scream. We worked hard. She still yelled. He just could not get his brain around the fact that we could do everything 'right' and it still wouldn't 'fix' the baby! He found it so frustrating and it used to make him cross.

We were also all recovering from a very traumatic birth which affected him more and I realised. Sleep deprived. Learning how to be parents.

In the end, after 12 or so weeks we also realised our baby had severe silent reflux, that also helped because we actually could help her.

But anyway, it was out of character for him to be so angry. He did swear, he did speak in a way I didn't like. Not directly at the baby but in an angry 'what is wrong with this fucking baby!?' sort of way. It brought out my defensive mother side and I was furious.

We had lots of support from the HV, she was great and I also explicitly told him that if he was feeling cross he was to give me the baby and go for a walk or a run. If I felt overwhelmed (I was more likely to cry than get cross) then I'd do the same (not run, ha ha!). We supported each other but I made it clear that whilst feeling angry and frustrated was ok and actually understandable; showing it definitely was not ok, to either me or the baby. He got it and we worked through it.

We've since had another child and although she was a much easier second baby (no reflux etc) he still found it a challenge. Children now are 2 and 4 and he's the most wonderful father. Toddler years being dealt with admirably, buckets of patience... probably learned by the difficult newborn times! Baby 1 actually also has autism, (which explains a lot!) and he also deals with her meltdowns without any fuss or bother.

Don't write him off just yet. Get some support, encourage him to talk about his feelings and support each other. But do make sure he knows the way he's behaving is not ok and that you will not tolerate it. He's got to address it and learn from it.

Good luck.

Without getting to analytical I'd say something in him is being significantly triggered by not being able to fix it when baby cries.

He might be responding to your son in the way he was responded to as a child.

I'm not talking about being triggered in over used term that is popular right now meaning upset I mean in its proper psychological sense.

Right now he gets little back from baby so it's all give (as is 99% of parenting!) and he probably doesn't like this.

I'd be really concerned about this tbh but no idea how I'd address it. Keep an eye on how he is addressing you too.

regardless of all this please remember you are doing an amazing job. look after yourself.

I think that if this is out of character sleep
Deprivation can be a massive thing to get used to. If I were you I would try to make sure each of you gets a full nights sleep. I know that it sounds silly but take turns to sleep somewhere quieter in the house - he might be just so tried and not coping with it. Me and my husband did a lot of this when ours were young as it's so so hard to deal
With a lack of sleep

I’d also say op, you cannot leave him alone with the baby until and if he gets through this, there is too high a chance your baby could get hurt. Either via neglect or something like shaking. It only takes seconds.

Everyone gets the frustration. But when you think a new born has malicious intent snd is capable of lying or faking, then something is very wrong. As a pp said he has not bonded and that puts the baby at risk that he may cause some damage in a moment of anger. Ultimately you need to protect your child.

Today you walked in and he was cuddling him, but another time you might walk in and he is shaking him. By protecting your baby you’re also protecting the father, from himself and what he may inadvertently and mistakenly do in a fit of anger.

I've had my own mental health issues in the past and my husband has always stuck by me and has stayed with me through times when tbh I probably wasn't the easiest person to get on with, and if he'd posted some of the things I said or did on a forum people would probably have told him to pack his bags (nothing abusive or anything, just symptoms of anxiety/depression which probably aren't a laugh to put up with day after day). I think he deserves the same compassion from me if he's struggling now. He's always been a person who really struggles with lack of sleep and I knew this would be the part he'd find the hardest about parenting. I appreciate the concerns about him potentially hurting the baby and obviously I'll keep an eye, but I would be extremely surprised. He's generally a very gentle and kind person, and this behaviour is so out of character for him. I'll do a bit of reading about male PND as I didn't even realise that was a thing.

Oof! What an unpleasant manifestation of stress. I’ll bet you’ve experienced this directed at you before the baby came along. This isn’t baby specific. This is his personality.

Your post is very worrying. Whilst you’ve not just found your husband having a cuddle and beaming down at the baby, his short fuse is very concerning. It only take a second of losing his temper and shaking or jarring a baby to cause severe injuries or worse.

I would be contacting the health visitor for advice on coping mechanisms for your husband. If he’s like this 17 days in then I would be extremely concerned, particularly around his thought process of the baby faking things.

@sunflowershine thank you, I can really relate to this. I also had a fairly traumatic birth which my husband has probably struggled with more than me. At the moment our son was born he was in a corner far away from me crying his eyes out, not with joy but with horror at the situation, and he cries every time we discuss the birth so I just don't bring it up any more.

@boomboom1234 I think this is a good point. I've suggested that tonight I do a full night alone and he sleeps on the sofa to try and catch up on some missed sleep.

As other have said, there are even tougher times to come. Lack of sleep can be an absolute killer for some people but FFS he's only 17 days in to parenthood!

It might just be the sudden shock of becoming a parent, perhaps he will settle into his new role but I would have been furious if my husband had behaved like that. He needs to get a handle on his emotions because once your baby starts crawling, walking, having toddler tantrums he's not going to be able to deal with it.

@Smallsteps88 not at all, that's why I'm so surprised and reaching out for help. My husband is generally such a kind and gentle person. He never raises his voice and has never once been aggressive or abusive towards me in 12 years together. This is completely out of character for him.

This is awful.

I have a practical suggestion, which sounds really cringy. When I was despairing at our most unhappy baby, DH would hold him toward me and do a stupid baby voice to ‘be’ the baby. So saying ‘but I just want a cuddle mummy’ or ‘I’m tired and I just can’t get to sleep’ or ‘it just all seems wrong and I don’t know what to do about it’. It really helped me see it from the baby’s point of view.

Also on a practical note, it’s about this time that they start needing help to get to sleep. We didn’t realise this. Also they only can manage about ninety minutes awake time. You might cut down the crying if you aren’t aware of those things.

But they do cry, they will be a (not deliberate) PITA. Did your husband not expect this? I’ve had problems with mine when children were not doing what they ‘should’ do, so I think expectations would be a good place to start talking about this.

Then is he not completely horrified by his own behaviour and wanting to get it sorted? What has he said about his language? If it’s so out of the blue, this very sensitive man, would be absolutely shocked and disgusted with himself.

I’m surprised at the amount of pp excusing his behaviour, every other thread of this nature it’s highlighted that this is abusive behaviour and could lead to baby being harmed.

Just another thought, if he’s a user of social media, particularly Instagram, I would tell him to stay off there. It’s absolutely full of perfect little families with their perfectly behaved little newborns. Of course it’s all bollocks, but I think comparison is definitely a thief of joy.

What was your husband’s own childhood like? Was his own father distant or angry?

I had a violent father so your OP is quite triggering for me.
He also believed and still does believe that children and toddlers and babies are manipulative and you have to enforce your will over their conniving ways. It's an old fashioned view now thank god but connected to what they used to call corporal punishment.
I call all of the above 'abuse' and am non contact with my father.

Your baby doesn't just prefer you because of the books. Baby was inside you and part of you for all its life so far.
Also you are kind loving compassionate forgiving empathetic and a harbour.

Him being this cruel, hard and destructive to a baby is unforgivable imo.
Is he treating baby like an employee. Is he in management at work?
Also my dad was worse to boys than girls. Babies too. To harden them up.

I would leave him. Go back to your parents to start with. I'm so sorry x
I wish my mother had left my father.

This is really dangerous. His thinking about the baby is so disordered and is the type of thinking that leads to babies being neglected or physically harmed.
I am sure he's usually a lovely man but he's not being lovely, kind, empathetic or particularly humane at the moment. He needs a short sharp shock of being told how it is and he needs to go seek help himself for his behaviour and attitudes. You can't fix this for him. And don't ever leave him alone with the baby until and unless things improve.

Honestly, I think you should watch out for these symptoms (particularly for PND or potential abuse). However, if this is completely out of character or he knows his behaviour is wrong, I wouldn't be running for the hills just yet. He seems to have had unrealistic expectations and is struggling to cope, but unless there is any behaviour that actively worries you and sets off the 'spidey sense' of " me or my baby aren't safe" then he may easily have a mental health condition.

You could always try counselling if you were looking for a way for him to express his feelings in a better way (as having a newborn is a difficult task for anyone, and maybe he's just not got a way of expressing that without coming across like an arse). Anyway, sorry it's all been so difficult and props to you for keeping it together

*Not to say that mental health conditions are an excuse for abuse or anything along those lines though, sorry should have phrased it better!