Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

[bluemoon2468]

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

[CodenameVillanelle]

Fathers don't get PND by the way. They might get reactive depression but PND is a female specific condition that is related to the physical and hormonal changes post birth.

[bluemoon2468]

@drumst1ck unfortunately we live in an area with tight covid restrictions and as such we currently have absolutely no support outside of each other. I'm sure that isn't helping. No one else has even been able to meet the baby and we've definitely missed out on some of the joy of having a new baby and being able to introduce him to people, have people bring gifts and food round etc.

@GraveyardPlotsAndDoomedScreams this definitely rings true for me. My husband likes to be able to fix things, and it's like he goes through the troubleshooting list - feed, change, rock etc. - then gets frustrated when none of them work.

[drumst1ck]

@GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea sadly sometimes with PND it's difficult for the person to see that what they are doing isn't rational until it's talked through or pointed out to them. He might not realise himself that what he is doing and saying is a problem.

[Mumbum2011]

From your posts it sounds like your dh had an 'idyllic' childhood with perfect parents who never argued. Perhaps he thought he'd be perfect too and is struggling to deal with the realities of parenthood. Has he had to deal with any other challenges/ struggles before?

Either way his response to the baby is worrying. I wouldn't leave my baby with him. Sounds like he's impulsive- lovely doting father one minute but then quick to blame the baby when things don't go the way he planned. I would urge him to speak to a doctor/ health visitor etc.

[drumst1ck]

@CodenameVillanelle they still call it PND as it's obvious what the cause is. It's estimated about 1 in 10 new dad's experience PND to some degree.

[bluemoon2468]

@GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea I've had a chat with him. He has definitely acknowledged that he's losing his temper way more than he should and that he needs to try and calm down, but says he finds the lack of sleep extremely hard. He certainly doesn't think his behaviour is okay. I've suggested that he takes time out to exercise every couple of days as this is usually very important to him but something he hasn't done since the baby's been born. I've also suggested that he takes a nap in the afternoons when the baby tends to sleep more and he said he thinks that'll help. He was absolutely horrified at the suggestion that he might physically harm the baby and said he hasn't felt anywhere near angry enough to do that, but agreed to put the baby down and walk away if he ever does.

[Nowisthemonthofmaying]

He may find this book helpful - my dh did! It explains why babies behave the way they do, in scientific and evolutionary terms, and there's a bit at the end of each chapter for fathers/partners specifically, with tips on what they can do to help etc (I also found it v helpful and reassuring!) It sounds like he needs to educate himself a bit.

Your Baby Skin to Skin

[MsPavlichenko]

The red flag is his extreme anger at a helpless baby. Saying he can't look at him as he's so angry is very worrying.

Most if not all parents struggle with newborn babies, and all the changes. Most get frustrated, maybe even with each other or themselves. Lashing out (even verbally) towards the child is not normal and you need to see it as such, and not make excuses.Regardless of how he has behaved previously.

Also, most abusive and controlling behaviour begins during pregnancy, or soon after birth. I am not saying that is what it is but you'd be foolish to ignore the possibility, however unlikely it seems.

[feministfemme]

@bluemoon2468 Honestly, he sounds like he's having a hard time (as I'm sure are you!) but if he's willing to try and change and is horrified at the suggestion of harm then that bodes well for the future. Good luck with your husband and baby, I hope you can both figure out a way for him to regain some control and positivity in his life

[Blueberries0112]

Yes, he need to read some baby books , probably for dads if any since he is not alone as far as not able to bond.

But be careful though, if he seems too frustrated, he could shake the baby out of frustration

[Blueberries0112]

I had a friend who got in serious trouble for shaking a baby. The baby is ok but he can’t be trusted alone with a child anymore

[NotMeNoNo]

It sounds like he's a long way out of his calm, capable, comfort zone. You really need to reassure him that he isn't doing anything wrong (as in not being able to stop the crying) and the best thing is to try and get some sleep/fresh air/support and cut himself some slack.

Despite the best plans you can't always parent 50-50 when babies are very tiny and BF. In fact it would be a miracle if any dad managed it. The best thing is to support you and in a few weeks the situation will have changed out of all recognition. He sounds like he's set himself a high standard of "succeeding" as a dad and feels he's failed at it. Honestly, the test of parenting is the long run, not if you are first away at the lights.

[Smallsteps88]

He was absolutely horrified at the suggestion that he might physically harm the baby

But not horrified at his language towards the baby? Particularly as he has never spoken like that about anyone before?

[HyacynthBucket]

This is really disturbing. He needs urgently to address his expectations of a child, particularly a newborn. Get over sleep deprivation as a start, and then he needs to find parenting guidance, perhaps specificalaly for fathers - are there any online classes? Or can the HV suggest anything. His attitude that the baby is capable of lying or faking, is preposterous and deeply worrying, and needs addressing asap, together with his frustration. If the above have no effect, you need to take action OP - not sure what, but don't let this situation ride. It would be awful for the child's future.

[myshoelaces]

@bluemoon2468

I've had my own mental health issues in the past and my husband has always stuck by me and has stayed with me through times when tbh I probably wasn't the easiest person to get on with, and if he'd posted some of the things I said or did on a forum people would probably have told him to pack his bags (nothing abusive or anything, just symptoms of anxiety/depression which probably aren't a laugh to put up with day after day). I think he deserves the same compassion from me if he's struggling now. He's always been a person who really struggles with lack of sleep and I knew this would be the part he'd find the hardest about parenting. I appreciate the concerns about him potentially hurting the baby and obviously I'll keep an eye, but I would be extremely surprised. He's generally a very gentle and kind person, and this behaviour is so out of character for him. I'll do a bit of reading about male PND as I didn't even realise that was a thing.

That's great but there's a child involved now. That child has to come before your relationship. You can't have an angry man around a tiny baby just because you want to support him.

[Pikachubaby]

I’d be really concerned OP

[GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea]

@bluemoon2468 I'm glad that he's acknowledged his behaviour is wrong. BUT with all the kindness in the world, you're now shouldering more and more responsibility on top of your own sleep deprivation so he can exercise and nap! I know you're doing that in the hopes that it'll help, but you're essentially pandering to him when it's you who had the traumatic birth and needs to recover, and you who needs to be catching up on sleep because if you're breastfeeding you'll be awake throughout the night more than he is! Fwiw I don't think your husband is a bad father at all, it's clear he struggling more than maybe he'd admit. However, that's not an excuse for his reaction to your baby!

Can I also add, toddlers are far more challenging than newborns! His behaviour really needs to get in check before you find yourself trying to deal with an 18 month old who really won't be perfect 100% of the time, and an angry DH thinking his buttons are being pushed purposefully.

[Superscientist]

You never know how you will react to sleep deprivation until you are in the middle of it.

I would be asking him to step out of the room for 5 minutes every time he gets frustrated with the baby. if that doesn't calm him down he should go for a brief walk. Getting frustrated with a newborn happens they are frustrating!! Letting it impact on your baby is not ok though you have to find a way to process the frustration before it gets too much. As well as the 4th trimester, look up purple crying.

[porridgecake]

Isn't there a baby book that is written exactly like a car manual or similar? I know it is a bit tongue in cheek, but I am sure I have heard it being recommended for practical support.

[bluemoon2468]

@myshoelaces not sure I'm going to solve the situation by leaving my otherwise loving, supportive husband 17 days after giving birth, ending a perfectly happy marriage and leaving myself as a homeless single mother in a very poor financial situation during a pandemic lockdown, all because my husband has made a couple of (completely inappropriate and out of order) comments. Let's put it in perspective here... he hasn't actually hurt the baby or done anything particularly damaging at the moment. I'm not saying he doesn't need help or support - quite the opposite, I reached out for advice here because I want to know how I can best support him - but it always baffles me why some people on MN jump straight to the most extreme 'solution' to every problem. Would the people suggesting I pack my bags and leave him (leaving myself alone to raise a baby for the next 18 years) honestly do that if they were in my shoes, without even having a chat with him first to see if the situation can be changed?! If so, no wonder divorce rates are so high!

[Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]

He was absolutely horrified at the suggestion that he might physically harm the baby and said he hasn't felt anywhere near angry enough to do that, but agreed to put the baby down and walk away if he ever does


Giant red flags all over the place. Would you knowingly have had a baby with a man that thought he might hurt it? No.

If he's like this now what will he be like when the baby gets older and is " more annoying"

I would be very very worried about your baby OP. I am and it's not my baby.

[bluemoon2468]

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel he doesn't think he might hurt the baby. He was horrified and said he never would. I said would he walk away from the baby if he ever did feel like that. He said of course he would, but he would never hurt the baby and can't imagine ever feeling that way. Please don't read things into it that I'm clearly not saying.

[NameChange30]

"At the moment our son was born he was in a corner far away from me crying his eyes out, not with joy but with horror at the situation, and he cries every time we discuss the birth so I just don't bring it up any more."

I'm sorry the birth was traumatic for you both. I think the newborn days are so hard because you need to recover from the birth but get very little sleep and have to look after a needy baby. Obviously the mother is recovering physically and emotionally, while the father is only recovering emotionally, but it does sound as if the birth was very traumatic for him. I think it would benefit him (and probably you as well) to have a birth debrief and some counselling. It's really important to recognise and process his (and your) feelings about it.

He does also need to sleep/rest when he can, and get some fresh and exercise. But as a PP said, you need those things too, so please make sure there's a balance and you're not martyring yourself for his sake.

I think that these steps will help massively in terms of him having more patience with the baby, but it wouldn't hurt to ask the HV about any support and/or parenting courses that could be helpful to him.

FWIW I read "your baby skin to skin" and found it all very annoying (the stupid sections about cave people!) but each to their own... there is a book called "Babies and Toddlers for Men" by Mark Woods that I would strongly recommend. (I bought the pregnancy one for DH and it was great.)

[ChickenDoughnut]

I find this really disturbing. Your husband is a grown man who gets angry with a TINY baby, and you are pussyfooting around trying to work our ways you can make things better for HIM?

[ChickenDoughnut]

out