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Original poster

Husband getting very frustrated with newborn

232 replies

bluemoon2468 · 23/10/2020 09:50

We're FTP to a 17 day old baby boy. My husband is a very involved, hands-on dad and he bonded well with the baby initially. He's still off work as he took a month's parental leave, so we're trying to parent 50/50ish at the moment, although I'm exclusively breastfeeding so feeds are pretty much down to me.

In general my husband is quite a calm, even-tempered person, but over the last week or so as the baby has got less and less sleepy and more and more demanding he's started to get so frustrated with the baby. This is particularly true when the baby won't settle at night, or when he appears to be crying for 'no reason'. The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS' really loudly at the baby when he weed on his outfit etc. We didn't have a great night last night and when I said the baby looked really cute this morning he said 'I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'. He takes it personally that the baby seems to prefer me (I've tried to explain that this is because I have the boobs, not some sort of slight on him personally) and he'll settle easier for me than him. They are still having nice times together when the baby is being 'good', but it's like my husband expects a certain standard of behaviour from him and doesn't realise that he's a 2 week old baby who's acting completely appropriately for his age and can't help it.

I'm finding this really hard to understand. Maybe it's the hormones but even with the sleep deprivation and crying I just don't feel angry or frustrated with the baby at all. I feel sorry for the baby when he cries. It's making me feel so angry with my husband for the way he's speaking to and about the baby, which means I struggle to have a constructive conversation with him about it which might actually change his mindset. All I feel like saying is, get a grip you're an adult he's a newborn baby, but that's not very helpful. Has anyone else experienced similar? Is there anything I can do to help?

OP posts:
Original poster
bluemoon2468 · 23/10/2020 12:09

@Wnikat no, he had what both he and I consider to be a pretty idyllic childhood. He says he has never heard his dad shout, and has never seen his parents have an argument. His parents are probably the kindest and gentlest people I've ever met, and my husband says he doesn't have one negative memory from his own childhood. I however had a very verbally and emotionally abusive father myself.

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 23/10/2020 12:11

The language he has started to use about the baby has become really negative e.g. referring to the baby 'faking' or 'lying' about being hungry, raising his voice and saying 'oh FFS

I don't even want to look at him right now I'm so angry with him'

Your husband is a nasty Cunt and your tiny two week olds helpless baby is in danger. Do something about it. Before it's too late.

GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea · 23/10/2020 12:12

OP he really does need help here, not just for himself but for your baby. You say he's normally kind and calm, so is he horrified at what he's said about your baby? Is he showing any remorse? Because that's a really good indicator of whether it was nasty words said out of frustration or whether he actually believes it to be true.

Interested in this thread?

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0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
LilacCandle · 23/10/2020 12:13

His thinking about the baby is so disordered and is the type of thinking that leads to babies being neglected or physically harmed
Agree. This is how child abusers think about small kids and is why people are saying it's worrying

feministfemme · 23/10/2020 12:16

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel I think if OP's husband getting frustrated at a baby is a red flag (which I agree it is) then you calling someone a "nasty cunt" is probably one too?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/10/2020 12:16

Turn this issue on to him to sort.

"So, dh, what's the plan with Ds? You seem to get quite cross and annoyed by him when he is simply behaving like a newborn. How are going to tackle this?"

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2020 12:17

His answer would worry me op, possibly more so as it's unusual for him and so he's possibly less practiced at controlling it when the rage descends upon him. It only takes one moment is frustration...

So I think in your shoes a combination of "talk to my about what's going on for you" and "get a grip" is needed. I remember being my eyes out in the early weeks about the babies heating me and crying on purpose. Utter nonsense but I was so low and tired, and now I can't even really imagine how I ever thought that so desperately.

At the very least you need to agree that if he feels he's getting angry with baby or feels baby is doing it on purpose, that he puts baby down and goes and calms down

Happyspud · 23/10/2020 12:18

I'd be worried about your DH to be honest and concerned he's struggling and maybe anxious/depressed. It's not acceptable to react like that but I know myself we don't always have control of our feelings and emotions. You must raise it with him that it's not ok or good to be reacting the way he is and if it continues he needs to recognise and accept he needs help. Some men are just shit but others are just struggling with the stress of this massive change.

Cauterize · 23/10/2020 12:22

Also it's all very well for your DH to be having lovely cuddles with the baby, when everything is calm and peaceful. But don't let that fool you that he is a wonderful father!

He should at least be acknowledging his shitty behaviour and apologising/giving you some reassurance that he's aware there is a problem.

The fact that he hasn't done this and has just brushed it under the carpet would really piss me off actually.

GreyishDays · 23/10/2020 12:22

Do you think he holds the baby responsible for your traumatic birth? Sorry to sound like a pseudo-therapist wanker. Did he think the baby was going to kill/injure you?

Maybe he hasn’t been able to let go of that.

I’m not trying to minimise his behaviour by suggesting a cause, his attitude to the baby needs to change, but knowing why he has it might make that easier.

GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea · 23/10/2020 12:22

@Cauterize

Also it's all very well for your DH to be having lovely cuddles with the baby, when everything is calm and peaceful. But don't let that fool you that he is a wonderful father!

He should at least be acknowledging his shitty behaviour and apologising/giving you some reassurance that he's aware there is a problem.

The fact that he hasn't done this and has just brushed it under the carpet would really piss me off actually.

This
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 23/10/2020 12:24

@feministfemme I'm not really interested in what you think. I managed to bring up three beautiful DC all grown up now and all doing very well in life.

I called OPs husband that because only a nasty cunt would be that way about and towards a two week old baby. This baby is very likely in danger. I'll worry about that rather than the father. Thanks.

dolphinpose · 23/10/2020 12:25

Men can get PND. And some people react really negatively and aggressively to sleep deprivation. It changes the chemical balance in the brain. Can you try to get him a good night's sleep and see how he is with the baby next day? Make it clear that his behaviour is concerning and out of character and he needs to take immediate responsibility for getting his moods under control, with medication if necessary, and educating himself about the normal expectations of newborn behaviour.

4amWitchingHour · 23/10/2020 12:26

My husband struggled way more than I was expecting in the first four weeks - he was an absolute nightmare on minimal sleep and got frustrated with our son. I ended up insisting that he slept (or I just wouldn't wake him up at the time he'd asked me to) so that he could recover and be a better parent.

I think stop trying to do 50:50 - we tried it at first, but with breastfeeding it's just not possible, and it can put more pressure on you both. You feel guilty for having the baby more and being the one he settles on, and your H feels bad that he can't do more (for both you and your son). A large part of my H's frustration was that he was a bit useless, however it is pretty much inevitable that baby will prefer mum.

Honestly - it got better when my H went back to work. We're 12 weeks in now and he's WFH so can have cuddles and give me a break at lunchtimes, but there's less pressure to try and give him more time with our son (which our son doesn't want!)

Hope you can work it through - these first weeks are the hardest, it really does get easier Smile

4amWitchingHour · 23/10/2020 12:30

@dolphinpose

Men can get PND. And some people react really negatively and aggressively to sleep deprivation. It changes the chemical balance in the brain. Can you try to get him a good night's sleep and see how he is with the baby next day? Make it clear that his behaviour is concerning and out of character and he needs to take immediate responsibility for getting his moods under control, with medication if necessary, and educating himself about the normal expectations of newborn behaviour.
This. My H is frankly a horrible person without enough sleep - grumpy, selfish and short tempered. I didn't realise how bad until we had our son. He always apologises, but it's best that he gets enough sleep in the first place
wimbler · 23/10/2020 12:33

The newborn phase is HARD (hormones, sleep deprevation etc etc) and I'd argue it's really hard for the dad of an exclusively breastfed baby. We had a similar situation - my husband would get frustrated and would frequently say "she hates me" and "why can't I get her to stop crying" What worked for us was just constant reassurance that he's doing a good job and that my interfering has nothing to do with his capabilities as a parent. I explained to him that I appreciated that he was trying to let me get rest but that there's no shame in asking for my help to soothe and settle the baby. He wouldn't let me hold a screaming baby for ages and neither would I let him. Yes I probably did more care than he did in those early days but that doesn't last forever I promise.

LaBellina · 23/10/2020 12:42

OP I feel really sorry for you. It's a lovely time but the sleep deprivation is very hard without you having to worry about your DH's irrational anger about perfectly normal baby behavior. I would speak to him and try to find a solution.

And I'm sorry to bring this up, don't want make you feel more worried, but you should definetly talk to your DH that if when his temper reaches boiling point, he should put the baby in his cot or somewhere safe and WALK AWAY until he has calmed down.

drumst1ck · 23/10/2020 12:43

Very suprised at some of the replies. OBVIOUSLY the baby's safety is important and steps such as talking to GP/health visitor etc should be taken but I'm suprised by the lack of compassion here. Having a newborn can be just as big a shock to a father as the mother and PND is definitely a thing in men sometimes.

If this post had been the other way around with the woman doing these things, would a lot of the replies have been to get rid of her, that's she's a 'cnt' and a 'shtty mother'?! I very much doubt it.

OP from your description of what your husband is usually like, it sounds like he is suffering mentally either from PND or sleep deprivation. Health visitor and GP will be able to support him with this, make sure he gets to that help as soon as possible. In the mean time, do you have any extra support other than your husband?

porridgecake · 23/10/2020 12:44

Unrealistic expectations around behaviour and development is a massive red flag.
Ask your HV to recommend some educational material, either books or videos asap.

feministfemme · 23/10/2020 12:47

@drumst1ck

Very suprised at some of the replies. OBVIOUSLY the baby's safety is important and steps such as talking to GP/health visitor etc should be taken but I'm suprised by the lack of compassion here. Having a newborn can be just as big a shock to a father as the mother and PND is definitely a thing in men sometimes.

If this post had been the other way around with the woman doing these things, would a lot of the replies have been to get rid of her, that's she's a 'cnt' and a 'shtty mother'?! I very much doubt it.

OP from your description of what your husband is usually like, it sounds like he is suffering mentally either from PND or sleep deprivation. Health visitor and GP will be able to support him with this, make sure he gets to that help as soon as possible. In the mean time, do you have any extra support other than your husband?

^^This. A level-headed approach.
GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea · 23/10/2020 12:49

Newborn stage IS hard, but how many of us can say we spoke to/about our 2 week old baby like that?? I'm quite shocked actually at the amount of people saying aw poor daddy hasn't had enough sleep when clearly OP hasn't either AND she's breastfeeding which puts extra work on her than her DH has to contend with.

GraveyardPlotsAndDoomedScreams · 23/10/2020 12:50

The person I know who struggled most as a new dad was somebody who was extremely good at DIY and fixing things. In his mind it was a checklist of "Is the baby fed? Is it clean? Is it warm/cool enough? Is it being cuddled?" and once those had been ticked off the baby should have stopped crying. After that list, he was out of ideas.

He got better as he got to know the baby better, and had a better idea of what was likely to be causing the crying. I remember him saying that the boiler gave him more specific error messages than the baby did!

I think it gets easier as the baby gets older too — as a very tiny one, you have the shock to the system, and the baby doesn't really do much in response to all the effort you're putting in to keep it happy. I think to him it was a bit like a piece of malfunctioning equipment with only one error alarm than an actual person. Once the baby started to smile he found it much easier.

2bazookas · 23/10/2020 12:53

red flag, red flag.

Don't leave the baby alone with him in case he completely loses the plot, shakes him or worse.

GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea · 23/10/2020 12:55

And before anyone leaps on me I'm NOT minimising PND or sleep deprivation in new fathers, but something here needs to be sorted out before it gets worse, and OP can you tell us if he's apologised/shown remorse or acknowledged what he said was completely out of line? Because if he hasn't that too would worry me.

tainot · 23/10/2020 12:56

OP my partner was somewhat similar in the beginning, we both were quite shocked by the reality of the lifestyle change and had no idea that babies were so hard to settle.
The biggest thing that helped was sleep. Sleep deprivation affected us both in crazy ways.
We helped each other get more sleep whenever possible and it helped enormously. I also gently explained (a few times) that the baby just wasn't capable of these things. The best thing I read and told my partner was that the baby still thinks/feels that we are one and if you think about it it's biggest instinct is survival and it's best chance at that is being with mum.
My little one is now a toddler and my partner is amazing with him.