What baby first were stolen from you?

[alesha123445]

I've read its common for people to try and steal babies firsts and im interested to hear peoples stories.
A family member brought up taking my lo for her first shoe fitting, wanting to buy them the first rocking horse for Christmas knowing I've already picked one and that its a big deal to me, buying my babies first toothbrush without asking, asking to buy my babies first year old outfit. Sometimes ill nod it off and say yes, but deep down I have no intention of allowing it and I won't be using any of the firsts people buy anyway. I really want to hear about others experiences with people attempting or successfully stealing their babies firsts.

@AwaAnBileYerHeid

Just because these things aren't important to a lot of you doesn't mean they aren't important to the OP.

But she's posted specifically asking for other people's input. And the vast majority of people's input is that she's cuckoo. Which may actually be the best thing the OP could hear, before she explodes with outrage about someone buying her baby its first toothbruth without asking first.

The HV gave DS2 his first bath, I was annoyed at that and still find it hard to believe I didn't have the strength to stop her.

Apart from that, I hardly remember any firsts. I think most of them are overrated.

I can understand why you'd be upset about some of these things (maybe not tooth brushing). I don't think you're being precious. And I think grandparents taking children for haircuts etc without agreeing with the parents is overstepping boundaries. And if anyone made my DS's Christmas stocking I'd go ballistic!

@Nat6999

Choosing what theme nursery to have, my ex sik arrived with quilts, sheets & bumpers all with a yellow Teddy theme, exh hadn't the balls to tell her that we were already thinking of a different theme ourselves. I still hate her for that now & ds is 16.

I’m hoping your joking @Nat6999? If not the that’s extreme to hold that against someone who might have meant well. Perhaps there is a massive back story?

The concept of others “stealing” baby firsts is a pretty unhealthy way to think I do agree with a PP that it can be linked to PND and grappling with Feeling out of control and/or feeling incompetent as part of PND or feeling suspicious about other people’s motives as part of the same.

My mum really tried to control many of the firsts so I had to really put my foot down and be firm. One thing that used to really bother me is the fact my mother always felt it was her given right to choose and buy my child's birthday cake, and be in all the photos holding the cake etc the reason this annoyed me so much is because 1. my child used to (and still does) like choosing their own cake or designing it and 2. because my mother took no interest in my birthday growing up, it was non eventful and I never had a cake, sounds petty but I know she was only doing it to spite me.

Not judging you OP but I have to admit, I've never really understood all this. While heavily pregnant with DC2, I was organising DH and MIL to take DS to santa's grotto. Frankly, nothing I wanted to do less at that point but it led to this conversation in the office where another woman was outraged because her MIL, who looks after her baby 2 days a week, had taken her 7 month old to see Santa at a department store. She was absolutely outraged that her DS had seen santa with her first etc etc etc.

And I'm sorry, but I just can't understand it. Not least because a 7 month old couldn't give a flying monkey's.

I do get annoyed however when a parent says they want to do x or y and some relative then sneakily goes off and does it/buys it. Because it's so blatantly about undermining the parents. But that's different.

@Bouncycastle12

What a weird way to think about things! Haven’t been especially fussed about any of those things.

This ^^

We don't own our children's achievements.

My MIL gave Dd her first bath. But I asked her to as I was too nervous to do it myself! The first toothbrush and outfit thing, well its not really a thing is it?

MIL took DS to "see Santa" without me for the first time when he was 1yo.

I dealt with it maturely by deleting all photos and taking him to another Santa soon after and taking lots of photos.

He remembers nothing but the existing photos .

As an X neonatal nurse (80s-90s) we had a rule that if a baby was admitted without it's mother/father being present.. then unless the mother/father gave permission NO ONE else was to see let alone hold/feed the baby.. We were told this for lots of reasons..but I do remember it was because a lot of relatives loved to brag to the mother that they had held/fed the baby before her..

YouokHun There is a massive back story of her interfering in lots when ds was born, I had awful pnd to the stage I was suicidal & she was constantly showing off because my mum was there supporting me because I needed her & I couldn't cope with anyone else being in my face. We had never seen eye to eye, she was in the year above me at school & bullied me at school. She is the youngest of three, exh being the oldest & the only girl, her parents always treat her as something special, once she was born neither got much attention it was all about her. She wasn't kind to ds when his dad was rushed in to hospital & he was living with him, physically dragged him out of the house & dumped him at mine instead of asking me to collect him & his belongings, ds is autistic & it affected him badly for ages afterwards.

All of them except his first smile.
I had to back to work full time when he was 6 weeks old as I was a single mum in the 1980's. His lovely childminder saw all of the first milestones although a couple of times she pretended she didn't but I knew better.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

I disagree fundamentally with the whole concept behind this thread. Your child is not your property and it takes a village to raise a child. Therefore their ‘firsts’ do not belong to you and cannot be stolen.

This with very loud bells on.

A child is not a possession. Loosen up. Share the love.

@Nat6999 that’s awful and she sounds dreadful. I wondered if the nursery incident was part of a pattern as alone it did seem extreme. I hope you’ve got plenty of healthy distance from her now.

I shouldn’t be bitter about this nearly 18 years later but....screw it I am

DD’s first birthday party, all the families are gather, I bring out the birthday cake, everyone is singing ‘Happy Birthday’ To DD and MIL decides that’s the point to take a phone call and talk really loudly over everyone singing - she was literally shouting. It was BIL asking where the tea bags were....

So all I remember about DD’s first birthday is her rudeness. Still not forgiven!

My mother announced both my pregnancies before I could, against my express instruction not to.

She told my father, my siblings, my extended family.

I'm sure it was very exciting for her. I wish I'd been allowed to be there for it.

Given I spent the first 2 days of my DS life in intensive care and been left with ptsd. The things you are saying have been "stolen" are irrelevant.

First time walking... Because we left dd with parents and went on holiday alone. Small price to pay . Im not sentimental in that way at all

two that stand out is first haircut and first caravan holiday and yes both pissed me off as I wasnt asked and didnt find out until afterwards and everyone acts like I'm over reacting.

Both times he was just dropped off at his grandparents for a normal play date, with the holiday he was going for the day and they asked if they could keep him for the weekend with zero mention of going away.

like who takes a child on holiday without telling the mother? and everyones just like 'well hes safe with loving family its fine, they did something nice for him' but thats not the point they knew it was a holiday I was saving up to take him on and I wasnt even asked or invited so I missed out everything

I do think the toothbrush etc... is a bit OTT, I got both my kids toothbrushes for free in the emmas diary or bounty packs and its not something you keep - I have no idea what a 1 year outfit is

the shoe thing is legitimate, getting measure for their first proper shoes in an experiance, I cant see why family cant be involved or cant offer to pay but its something they shouldnt do without you

the xmas gift thing is a bugbear with me because my family does that too, buys the thing they knew I was getting. Now I lie and say I'm getting someting I'm not and they buy that instead lol

and I'm much firmer with the word 'no' (have even sent gifts I outright told them not to buy back to them like duplicates or inappropriate presents like the real smartphone they bought for a first birthday that I had told them was useless and ridiculous - why does a 1 year old need an Iphone?)

I feel robbed of a lot really because finacially we werent very stable when oldest was born (the recesession hit and DH company went bancrupt and I was high risk and couldnt work so we both lost our jobs during the pregnancy and also our home so every penny went to getting a new place to live) so I was robbed of most things. I didnt get to buy nice things, do nice things or have a nursery (could only afford a 1 bed so shared for 3 years) etc... I couldnt even afford to buy scan print outs from the hospital and family used our lack of money to railroad me. They bought/did whatever they wanted and I should be 'grateful' they 'helped' even if it was outright thing I refused that went against my parenting style etc...

this time round I feel somewhat robbed by covid (although that no one 'persons' fault)

I see now where the batshit parents come from reading this thread.
Be glad you have a child to have all these firsts with, my DSis had a full term stillborn son, no firsts.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

I disagree fundamentally with the whole concept behind this thread. Your child is not your property and it takes a village to raise a child. Therefore their ‘firsts’ do not belong to you and cannot be stolen.
This!

I think we will all be sad we weren't there for some of our child first, (although agree with @Tootletum, the first time I got to witness things would have been just as special) but to think they have been stolen by someone else as if it is your right to be the first person to do or see anything for your DD and getting than angry at others because they bought stuff or spent time with your DD is ridiculous.

The post sounds so controlling and I feel sorry for any DD's who have a parent who thought in this way.

Not really a first but one thing I've felt disappointed about was PIL taking DC1&2 to Disneyland Paris. It really upset me especially when I found out that it wasn't just PIL going but DH's siblings and their partners too. I cried everyday they were there!
DC3 was a just over a month old when they went so I think most of my upset was hormonal.

Some of these firsts I can't even remember, I'm not sure who my DS first smile was at. I am not even sure who held him first,me or DH. Tbf I'd had hours of pushing and was in theatre after epidural and forceps, it was a rough delivery and I honestly can't remember if I held him soon as he was born or if the midwife just showed me him. I remember DH cut the cord and then held him so maybe he got the first hold 🤔 same with the first bottle 🤷‍♀️. It was DH who dressed him first as I was still numb from waist down, and I do remember that we did the first pooey nappy together as neither of us had changed one before 😂
It doesn't matter either way though now, none of these things are relevant anymore (and he's not even 2 yet) His first birthday outfit I just bought a new top from Tesco , and his first Xmas outfit well he was only 10 days old and had a Xmas top on that someone gave me as a hand me down from their child. Stuff like that doesn't matter

Oh my goodness. Let it go OP, it really doesn't matter. 'Firsts' are things like walking, day at school, being allowed out on their own, not buying a toothbrush

Yeah literally don’t care too much about things like this - not particularly excited about picking my babies first shoes, toothbrush, 1st birthday or Christmas outfits. Things like that aren’t really life events to me tbh! So wouldn’t care if my mum bought things like that 😂 at the moment I don’t even have a room for the baby we have a tiny one bed flat so decorating a nursery isn’t even on my radar haha