When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

I found a big improvement at 2ish - her language has always been brilliant and so that helps. Also my husband and I are pretty good at splitting the weekend into quarters so we each get 2 slots to do our own thing!

I totally get everything you're saying and largely feel the same. My DS is two now and he's already better than when he was one but we've definitely got a way to go still. I took him down to my Mum's for the day a few weeks ago. She'd planned a lovely day for us all and I think she had this expectation in her head about how wonderful, etc. it was going to be. But with a toddler the reality couldn't be further from the expectation. She planned a picnic for him in the garden and rather than being the picture perfect lunch she imagined, he ignored the food entirely and spent the entire day trying to throw himself into the stream at the bottom of her garden and generally being a pain in the backside.

We found a spot local to us that's picture perfect and a great place for paddling, I took DS a few times and he enjoyed it, I also really enjoyed it. Took him back again, he screamed and cried and decided he hated it. So that's done and dusted. No more fun afternoons there.

I try to bring him into the kitchen with me when I need to do things like cooking, etc. He says he wants to help but instead he pulls out all the pots and pans, takes random items out of the freezer and hides them, opens and closes the kitchen door 500 times in a row. In the same room as him but turned my back for 30 seconds and he had his hand fumbling inside the cutlery drawer with lots of knives!

I spend 90% of my time trying to stop him from accidentally killing himself and the other 10% of my time trying to calm him down when he's screaming and crying because I've stopped him killing himself.

I'll admit, there are the occasional moments that are lovely and make my heart burst. I love him with everything in me and all I want is for him to be safe, happy and loved but I hated the baby phase, i don't like this stage either. Rare moments of enjoyment but on the whole it is monotonous, tedious and relentless.

I yearn for the day when he has more of a concept of danger, when he can listen and understand more and when he's more independent so we can actually enjoy things properly together as a family without the day ending in exhaustion, tears, and tantrums.

No, I am not depressed. I love my DS more than anything. It's not a crime to not enjoy this phase.

I think the premature birth, possibly traumatic ?, for either or both of you can completely be in line with non bonding, plus the separation & the worry if he would be well.
I will say again, cranial osteopathy is made for this difficult birth situation.

And to add, I have decided not to have anymore DC. I would have loved a second child but I just don't think I could cope with the baby and early toddler phase again.

@Honeybobbin

I've skipped a couple of pages so hopefully I'm not repeating what others have said. But I felt compelled to share my experience. I hated the baby and toddler stage too. And I was surrounded by people saying 'this is the best bit, don't wish their lives away, you'll miss the baby stage, you just swap one set of problems for another' etc. I felt hideous, because I believed that this was the best it was going to get, and I'd regret not being able to enjoy it. Well guess what? It was bollocks.

I have 3 kids. The youngest was born when the eldest was 5, so that roughly tells you my age gap.
I can tell you that once they passed 3, they were delightful. When you can have a conversation and they can follow simple instructions life starts to get easier. My 3rd baby was born when my older ones were 5 and 3, and honestly her baby stage was easier because the two older ones were there- they helped entertain her, they could pass me timings, make her laugh etc.
Then primary school age came- that was fabulous! Lovely walks, conker hunting, trips to the park, libraries, museums, farms, soft play where they could safely wander off while I drank a hot cuppa.

Now I have 2 teens and a ten year old and I'm in my element! We have pizza nights, movie nights, the house is full of their friends (lockdown permitting!). They talk about real issues and share my sense of humour. Peppa pig is gone and we watch Bake Off and BGT. (And last leg with the older 2!) Yes I'm a taxi service, yes we have the occasional hormonal outburst. But it is not the misery fest people would have you believe.
I'm not trying to sound like a super mom, I just want to reassure you that it does get better.

I am honestly going to screenshot so many of these messages for the rough time’s. I can’t wait for all that! It sounds like different parents struggle at different stages. The picture I get is that I am all about 5+, which is nice because that’s 5 difficult years out of their whole lives.

I think you sound depressed. I felt like you in the early months and it was awful. Speak to your doctor. I am not great with kids, like enough sleep and my own hobby time and majorly struggled with the 24/7 care needed by my small baby. It improved for me when gaps between feeds got bigger and she slept better. I found the toddler years massively easier than the baby stage. By 2 she was a walking, talking, sometimes reasonable person. By three she didn't need naps, nappies, slept as long as we wanted, started dressing herself etc. It's got easier and easier, she's 5 now and can do loads herself and goes to clubs and activities herself. We even decided to try for another baby when she was 4.5. I'm pregnant now and she'll be 6 when the baby is born. I'm very nervous about the early months and sleep deprivation but I'm looking forward to having a toddler again.

I am sorry you are finding it hard, the baby stage is hard and parenting can be a slog.

in our case, having a toddler is definitely more fun but equally relentless but in a different way.

For us tag teaming was the way forward. We both go out on our own to see friends and do hobbies. the thing that I miss is not being able to go out as a couple but we get our evenings for that.

Also how does you OH feel about it all? does he find it the same as you etc?

First year was hard with my son. He started to get a lot more fun around 18-20 months when his language started to develop. Age 2 is hard, tantrums aren’t easy, but there’s a lot of fun at that age too. DS is now nearly 3 and a lot more independent now. I can reason with him, he can explain what’s wrong, he’s toilet trained, can dress himself, feed himself etc. He’s also dropped his nap which makes going off days out a lot easier. I definitely enjoy him more now than that first year.

I really don't like babies and whilst I loved my children I didn't enjoy them being babies , and really dislike spending time cooing over other people's babies

However with my eldest we still did things but just slightly modified

For example we gave up going for dinner with a toddler - way too much work, but would go out for breakfast every weekend. It's the best time for a toddler and we felt more normal going to our favourite cafe.

We would still go for walks just probably slightly shorter

We would have friends around but we wouldn't bother cooking, maybe just grab a takeaway

Still enjoyed holidays and experiences with our baby by the age of 2 he had been on four holidays abroad ( 3 beach breaks and a city break to Barcelona)

We have never tag teamed at the weekend. I honestly want to spend the weekend with my husband and not half a day away from each other.

As my son got older we had toys in our room and would bring up a chocolate brioche and carton of apple juice for him to have while playing in our room.

I have wonderful memories of Sunday afternoon going out for cake and coffee and walking home, lighting our log fire and watching a classic disney film like mary poppins !

@tortillachipsanddips

I really don't like babies and whilst I loved my children I didn't enjoy them being babies , and really dislike spending time cooing over other people's babies

However with my eldest we still did things but just slightly modified

For example we gave up going for dinner with a toddler - way too much work, but would go out for breakfast every weekend. It's the best time for a toddler and we felt more normal going to our favourite cafe.

We would still go for walks just probably slightly shorter

We would have friends around but we wouldn't bother cooking, maybe just grab a takeaway

Still enjoyed holidays and experiences with our baby by the age of 2 he had been on four holidays abroad ( 3 beach breaks and a city break to Barcelona)

We have never tag teamed at the weekend. I honestly want to spend the weekend with my husband and not half a day away from each other.

As my son got older we had toys in our room and would bring up a chocolate brioche and carton of apple juice for him to have while playing in our room.

I have wonderful memories of Sunday afternoon going out for cake and coffee and walking home, lighting our log fire and watching a classic disney film like mary poppins !

I appreciate this. It was a wobbly day when I posted. I think I find the weekends harder. I work all week, and then wake up on Sunday and just think “That was it?!?!? I’m even more tired than I was Friday evening!” But this whole thread has been my light today, and I’m going to be better about effectively forcing family to babysit so we can get out once in a while.

I ditto the tag team thing... my DH already has to work two evenings, so I can’t really give anymore of my evenings to him, and if u go out independently that’s one less that we can spend together. My DH is my best friend and I didn’t marry him to spend lots of time alone and away. So that kind of rules out an excess of independent time.

I’ll check in in four years and let everyone know if it got better

@Sillymummies123 Whilst it's not nice feeling how you have been, reading your latest post, I think it is lovely that you and DH are obviously still very much in love and have a tight bond, and equals, this isn't the case for everyone, and sad if things are not great before baby, that they then worsen after baby. I thought that was so lovely that you called him your best friend and that you didn't marry to spend time apart, all I wanted was time to myself, wasn't bothered about ex but then with my part I was going through, and his life just carrying on, plus not taking on half the work, and abusive, I certainly know why I didn't feel as others might.

I am glad that you've had plenty of responses, and that they have helped to some extent, and that you will refer to them when you feel you need to. I do that when I find really good and relevant posts or things online when I think oh yes that is me! Or that really explains how I feel.

Late to the 'party' but a lot of what you say in OP resonates rather more than I want to admit. Former teacher. Definitely did have PND and infinitely better for ADs to deal with that. Resolutely sure I don't want another for the sake of my health and the fact I'm finally starting to feel like 'me' again. I don't work right now but I honestly don't know how i'd even manage to cope with that. I do some tutoring to keep my brain ticking over but even with DS at nursery 2 days per week, there isn't enough time to do all the adulting.

DS is now 3y3mo. I'd say I started feeling more enjoyment after he could start talking and was walking even a little (so about 18 mo). A lot more enjoyment after we night weaned as even though most of overnight stuff is still mine (and he isn't a brilliant sleeper), my body is my own again.

We cook, garden, walk the dogs, go to the shops, giggle and chat. He can play independently for a very long time and tv can be applied e.g. to cook dinner without the 'help'

And the 'I love you mummy' or, more recently 'I love you in the morning and in the afternoon' (yep, not sure about evening or night) generally make it a lot easier. I am absolutely not enjoying the 'why' phase now it's started, it has to be said.

But I can't go back to the shell I was 3y ago.

Oh, and alternating bedtimes eased it massively after dropping his nap. I get half my evenings from about 6:45.

I can spend some time alone of the weekend doing sport etc or in the garden and can go and spend a weekend with friends (he loves a video chat morning and bedtime)

Sorry, reread more bits and want to add:

we went, the three of us to rome, last October. Just the Tula for back carrying but he walked a lot too, at just over 2, but having been slow to start. With the exception of one severe pigeon induced meltdown (pay and get the hell away from the cafe with half eaten food type bad), we had a wonderful trip and DS is still talking about that a year later.

We've also just had a week away in a self catering cottage in lincolnshire- 3 humans and the 2 dogs. The happiest I've been in a long time without external pressure to please others and while the journeys weren't ideal with additional traffic time, he can be entertained with the Kindlefire and snacks for several hours now and happily get out at the halfway point for a walk/ run/ explore and eat.

He sits up pretty well at the table, eats all meals with us, nearly always exactly what we has. He's very articulate (scarily) and has a memory longer than both of his parents put together.

I just hope even one grain of what I've said is helpful. I remember being in that place (even without the prematurity side) and those feelings. They're fading away now

It sounds to me like you have some trauma from the birth and early baby stage which is still causing you pain and difficulty.

I'd go for counselling rather than asking GP/HV. You don't have to be clinically depressed to be a bit knotted up mentally. What's the harm?

Your child is an intelligent human being. You're not just meeting immediate needs, you're helping your child learn how humans relate. The dynamic between you matters. It will be more fun the more you can enjoy it, basically. Kids know when you enjoy being with them.

I do get the boredom though. I find getting out into nature helps, even if it's just looking at squirrels or something. Finding other mums is also good.

Good luck!

I don’t think you sound depressed, I think you sound worn down from the tedious monotony of working and caring for a 1 year old. I remember having similar feelings at that stage.
When my ds got to about 3 I found life got a lot more enjoyable and now he is 6 it’s like having a fantastic little friend with me. We sit and watch tv together, go for walks etc and it’s so much easier than with a baby/toddler.
I promise you it will get better.

@Sillymummies123

Hi all,

I’ve been depressed before, but I’m not depressed now. I work a difficult job, which I like, and he’s in childcare when I there, so I can’t really do childcare in addition. Aside from that, I want a life WITH my child. It’s a bit demoralising spending every single day doing something you don’t want to do. I think for some people it’s very normal to find picking up coloured toys and putting them down all the while trying to teach a baby to speak, stand, eat ALL DAY EVERY DAY miserable. I think I value my own wellbeing and life too highly to be genuinely excited about my life. I want to travel, go to the theatre, take long walks, write, just actually have fun. Every day feels like work at the moment.

As others have said - I’m also hoping that I’m just not a baby person. I know what 8 year olds and teens are like (I teach) and I think I’ll enjoy that. But 8 years is a hell of a long time to not enjoy life

DS was 18 months old and I took him swimming. I remember thinking it was the first time I had enjoyed hanging out with him as a person, and not just loving him as his mum.

He's almost 4 now, and while there's a lot of grunt work still, we do have lovely adventures together

Mine is nearly 3.5 and it is starting to be easier. Starting...but no lay ins yet, or reading a book with her around. That sounds too ambitious with a kid around for me, at least with mine.

OP I hear you! I've just returned to the baby stage after a rather long break of...err...a decade! My older boys are 10 and 13 and I now also have a four month-old!!!

Mat leave is nothing what I imagined it to be due to Covid. It's crap. I attempted a music class but pointless really as have to wear masks, socially distance and can't chat after it has finished.

Lonely and very bored indeed.

Honestly? As long as my children are at home, none of my time is my own. Ever. I’m lucky if I can get through a five minute sodding Youtube video or a few minutes of a podcast without being interrupted. Read a book or a magazine? Forget it. I’ve even started some casual freelance work from home and I can only do it when they’re at school or in bed. It’s like they can’t bear to see me not doing something that immediately benefits them

They’re 9 and 5. One autistic and one yet to be diagnosed, which does complicate matters. It is utterly wearing... just having zero freedom either outside of the house or inside. I still lock myself in the bathroom for a break when the going gets really tough. I stay up too late because I need silence to regain enough sanity for a new day.

I remember feeling like you. It did get better, but tbh I was hoping my children at these ages would be a lot bloody easier than they are.

OP I’ve read the whole thread, it’s really great to see how the replies have helped reassure you + helped you understand what you were actually asking.

I don’t have anything super useful to contribute as I’ve got 13-month-old too, but even without experiencing the additional struggles you’ve dealt with, I’ve definitely had moments where I’ve felt like you were feeling in your first post. It can be relentless, and the pandemic has taken away so many options and you can just feel trapped.

It got a bit easier after potty training. Then a bit easier about 5. Then sort of a gradual shift each week.

In my experience of living with little people at 4 they morph in to really fun little people that are so much easier and by 7 they are pretty self sufficient (makes own breakfast etc ).
My niece is now almost grown up and my Sister and I desperately miss having her around as a little one. Although I didn't do the hard yards with her I honestly can't believe how fast 5 to nearly grown up went and wish I could have her little all over again.
My partner and I are expecting shortly and I too don't love baby years but if it's any consolation that 5 upwards stage is so wonderful I'm happy to do it all again because of that.
If anything start taking more pics, write down funny things that happen, cute sayings when they talk because I'm sure one day you'll look back and want to experience it all again .
You've been really clear that you love your baby very much so I'm sure every day will get easier (if not some of them). I know some PPs have already mentioned but Covid world hasn't done much to support parents - by now you could be at a soft play or mixing with family and having some extra easier hours - hopefully this soon will pass.
Deep breaths, big hugs and take care

While I do have empathy for you. I also have empathy for the child.

I am starting to get really sick of seeing threads saying "I regret having children". Yes it is hard for you, but it is also really hard for the child.

I had a mother who regretted having two children, and she made our lives hell. For eighteen years myself and my brother were the brunt of my mother's anger and rage. My life has been hell. I have attempted suicide twice. My brother was comitted to a psychiatric hospital and also attempted suicide.

Having a mother shout and scream at you and insult you for 18 years is sheer hell. It is torture while it is happening, and my mind is still broken now at 36. I have never, ever been happy in my life.

I know too many mothers who were like my mother. I have seen many mothers shout at their children and call them little shits, cretins, devils spawn, and be horrendously cruel to them.

My question is this: why don't more women put thought into if they want a child or not. There are so many threads on here saying I regret having children, but none are focused on how that child feels, how their life is probably awful.

Why don't women THINK before they have child, instead of having a child and then treating the child like shit. There is abortion , there is adoption.
I am 36 and I have put a lot of thought into it and I have decided to not have children.

Please, women on here - put more thought into whether you want children or not