When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

I love walking so used to put DS in a sling before he could walk, I found the pram too much of an annoyance to make it fun. He would either sleep or be quite happy looking around, it was even easier when I could wear him on my back- not as relaxing but I think after a very rocky patch I came to terms that life wouldn't the same, but it could be enjoyable, even more so but it would take some adapting. Not saying you haven't tried that, but it definitely took a dark place for me to get to grips with it, and although I wouldn't say I enjoyed the baby stage as much as now; I didn't hate it or wish it away either. And although being able to do the things I used to seems a long way off, I actually prefer my life now a lot more, something I wouldn't have thought possible a year or so ago.

I know we all need a ray of hope when we are struggling, but I really don't know if one day it will just be easier, even when they're a bit more independent they bring a whole host of challenges, and need you more in many ways than when it was just their basic needs and trying to keep them happy was the only thing. Personally I would wait before adding to the family, rather than planning around something that might not be the case. I don't want that to sound harsh at all and apologies if it comes off as so, but it will hugely affect your life obviously and basing that on what ifs is a huge risk.

It does get worse before it gets better. I'm hoping around 4 will be easier when my kid can properly play with his toys. But I could do the long walks, hot chocolate and snuggling in bed now. Id just have to do it with my toddler and while my 6 month old naps. 😘

Oh and the snuggling in bed, I'd have to be reading books at the same time. 😂

@Sillymummies123 mine an early walker so that has helped a lot. Once he could carry his own weight it got easier for me. Sounds like it won't be long xx

[quote Firstimer703]@Sillymummies123 mine an early walker so that has helped a lot. Once he could carry his own weight it got easier for me. Sounds like it won't be long xx[/quote]
He stands with help and occasionally does 5 seconds unassisted. Fingers crossed!

I really could not express how helpful this thread hss been. I suppose we’ve been doing this in a vacuum so far. Hearing from you all has mostly confirmed my hopes.

I'm still waiting for life to be pleasurable and my DD is 3.5. I actually long for days when I had freedom to do whatever I wanted, to go on peaceful, relaxing holidays, to not have to spend countless hours attempting to cajole a preschooler into doing what I ask. I don't know what I expected before I had a child but this is not it. I think some people would definitely be better childfree and I definitely fit in that category, unfortunately. Not really the kind of post you were hoping for, I'm sure, OP.

I do find that one if the things that makes me feel most like me, is walking with loud music I love on my headphones, and talking (in rl or online) to people who know 'the real me me'...and swearing a lot with them.
Good luck op (choose a name that suits you better than SillyMummies123, and is more 'the real you you')

OP I feel for you, everything you say resonates with me and I think you've had some excellent advice on this thread.

I just wanted to add, please don't downplay the trauma you experienced, and the way it might be affecting you and your expectations of yourself now. My DD had a very bad birth, a week in NICU and talk of brain damage. Thankfully she is fine and I felt as though the fact that she wasn't like the little baby in the next cot with no detectable brain activity meant that I should just forget the very scary few weeks beforehand.

It took a lot of therapy for me to acknowledge how badly I felt I had let her down. My body couldn't get her out safely, I damaged her in the birth. Then, because of the separation, we really struggled to establish breastfeeding. So when I felt myself 'failing' her again by finding her dull, difficult or infuriating, it brought back the feelings from those other experiences. I wouldn't allow myself to be a normal, frustrated mum. I had to be perfect to make up for the bad start I'd given her.

I don't know whether any of this rings true. I can see now, with nearly six years distance, that this is a bonkers way to think - but it's also completely understandable in the circumstances. You are in the hard yards right now, my second is just a little older than yours and I remember feeling the same way, it's just slog and they seem so ungrateful for all the sacrifices you are making. But it really does get better.

...sorry keep on adding things, but seeing the last post, made me think the same. It is really easy to underplay how much an experience like NICU, SCBU, then lockdown, can affect you.
After ds, I felt like I was on a different train track to everyone else. I knew I wasn't depressed, I knew it wasn't PND, it was only when our GP talked about PTSD, that I realised that I had been through and was going through something really hard. Don't minimise it and if you need help ask for it.

@FreiasBathtub

OP I feel for you, everything you say resonates with me and I think you've had some excellent advice on this thread.

I just wanted to add, please don't downplay the trauma you experienced, and the way it might be affecting you and your expectations of yourself now. My DD had a very bad birth, a week in NICU and talk of brain damage. Thankfully she is fine and I felt as though the fact that she wasn't like the little baby in the next cot with no detectable brain activity meant that I should just forget the very scary few weeks beforehand.

It took a lot of therapy for me to acknowledge how badly I felt I had let her down. My body couldn't get her out safely, I damaged her in the birth. Then, because of the separation, we really struggled to establish breastfeeding. So when I felt myself 'failing' her again by finding her dull, difficult or infuriating, it brought back the feelings from those other experiences. I wouldn't allow myself to be a normal, frustrated mum. I had to be perfect to make up for the bad start I'd given her.

I don't know whether any of this rings true. I can see now, with nearly six years distance, that this is a bonkers way to think - but it's also completely understandable in the circumstances. You are in the hard yards right now, my second is just a little older than yours and I remember feeling the same way, it's just slog and they seem so ungrateful for all the sacrifices you are making. But it really does get better.

Thanks for your heartfelt message. While I honestly think the main issue is the actual age right now, this discussion has definitely highlighted for me that the impact of lockdown, isolation, and an extended and challenging baby phase has had on my morale.

I know exactly what you refer to, and I’m mostly sharing my thoughts because I think this thread is likely to attract others over the coming years who desperately google a similar question.

In honesty, I do often feel both that I can’t moan because he survived, but also that I can’t moan too much about the rough start because he has a good outcome. Easy to fall into that ‘someone has it worse’ trap eh

There are some earphones I've heard of which supposedly help with misophonia, maybe look those up? You wear them normally as they don't block sound, just certain frequencies.

Thanks for taking time out of your day, everyone. I think I may have been asking a very different question to ‘when do I get my life back’, it turns out. More like ‘when will he be happy, easier, communicative, less exhausting’ and I think a big old slab of ‘please reassure me that It WILL get better’, all of which you’ve really helped me to understand.

Things that really helped me at that stage was a couple of hours of DC free time, out of the home, every weekend, in the daytime. DH chose to lie every Sat and Sun for his time, I would go to the gym one or both days, primarily for my mental health. Or pottering around the shops.

This meant fewer family ‘outings’ which worked fine for me as found them super boring!

I think we all get days of feeling like this... but often something will happen that brings you back to reality. Like I really really miss being able to lie in bed and read a book. But I love having a cuddle with my little boy or sometimes when he is absorbed in playing it's so lush watching him. You start to forget life before kids i think. Does your partner do their fair share? Like if my partners home and i have worked i come home and have a nice bath. Or if he has worked late I make sure he gets a lie in. We make sure we get takeaways and go out for meals.

Maybe chat to your partner and your GP. I know at one point when my son was 9monthsish I was very anxious (always have been) but also viewed each day as a chore. I used to feel like each part of the day was a tick off the list and didn't enjoy any part of it. I ended up on meds that really helped following some cbt. You are definitely jot on your own. Parenting is such a crazy adjustment.

For me, was mainly when i went back to work at 9 months, as i had the whole day to myself, and dd was ready for bed at 7pm each night so we haf our evening together. We take it in turns to do pick up and bedtime etc so get plenty of time to ourselves.

It got better for us around 2 months because then we were in enough of a routine and dd was sleeping mostly through the night that we could start going round to friends houses for games nights/takeaways and i could just feed dd, then put her to sleep in the travel cot in another room, and we'd leave around midnight and just put her in car seat then move to bed when she got home.

Gets a bit easier at 2, then yearly after that. 3.5 was always a big turning point - until you hit the teens. But for teens it really depends on the child - generally speaking if they are happy with a great friendship group in a school that suits them, teens can be great fun. Baby stage is hard slog because they just need you so much and that is very draining. Make sure you make time for yourself. With friends, alone.

The ‘all that matters is a healthy baby’ message can be meant well but also extremely damaging. Being able to talk openly about your feelings and not have them invalidated is really important. Post natal depression is not the only thing to pay attention to when it comes to maternal mental health. Look up Professor Amy Brown. She is wonderful and and lots to say about this.

@Sillymummies123 Hi there, I have been where you are(how many times have you heard that) it was also in my thoughts to say 'have you spoken to your GP/HV' as because as soon as anyone is not finding any joy etc in having a child etc PND is suggested as a cause. I guess it could be, has this come up in any appointments etc, have you been asked or mentioned any of what you have said here?
If someone had said it to me I would of thought with the baby being 13 mths that it wasn't possible, but I hear it is perfectly possible. I never sought help as such in the end, I should have really.
Other factors added to the way I was feeling/thinking, including having a not what I imagined a partner/father should be to child/to me/support/help etc, and adding in to the fact that ex was abusive.
Hopefully for you, your partner is doing their fair share and helpful and supportive? And not abusive, as that solves a lot of problems.

But there is still the way you are feeling to factor in to the situation, I didn't really plan children in my life, and so I put the way I was feeling down to that, but then figured I might of also found it hard even if I had longed for a baby. It only got better from 1-2yrs onwards. And that I had family near by and ds dad was helping out more, and maybe over all I improved.
This year also different/better, as although some think it is terrible to see the good sides of a situation like Covid, when I was stuck at home not doing much or not able to go to places, we were all in the same situation!
Fast forward to next year, and ds will be off to nursery, so there is light at the end of the tunnel as they say!

Op ive not read the full thread however for me it was when I realised I had to actually carve out the time for this schedule it in. Arranged with dh he would have the children at x time and I could do as I wished and visa versa. There was a few issues to begin with. Dh would not get why I needed time away so we agreed to also schedule time together. Result is Dh has a close loving relationship with the now adult teen children as he was able to form solid relationships with the children without i was there all the time. However we were near breaking point before we got this right as I jad not realised I needed that me time. Dd1 was 2.5 and dd2 6 months when we started this. When ds and dd3 came along they slotted in a few issues each time but bit by bit we found the way. Through planning it. As the children started schooling I found it all got easier. I love the baby stage but not keen on the toddler stage so for me it got harder for a bit and then eased up a lot

You’ve not mentioned ‘parent’ friends - for me they were the lifesaver. We’d Chuck the kids on the playmat and drink Cava. And now our children are older (5) they entertain themselves together - and we drink cava!

Also, if your partner is there in the evening why can you not go out? I was going out regularly from about 6 months.

Hi, I can really empathise with you. I have two, a 4 yr old girl and a 2 year old. I was not maternal at all and I never wanted children and then my husband persuaded me to give it a go. It took ages and I was over 40 by the time I had the first, having lost one at 21 weeks in preterm labour. So then having a successful pregnancy and then child was really confusing. I knew I was so lucky for it to have worked but my daughter was and is such hard work and needed constant attention, wouldn't sleep etc, I ended up really resenting her any by default my husband, who didn't seem to be landed with as much responsibility as me.
My daughter is now at reception and it has made it much better, my head is not so much in a mental vice. Honestly, we could use her as a torture weapon! My son is also hard work but in a different way, I can actually watch whatever TV I want and he is company for my daughter.
Its not easy, I hate lockdown with them, I don't want to spend all my time with them either. I now carve out time to go for a run after they have gone to bed. Can you do this?

I think the hardest thing is that I used to have a great job, loads of independence, read loads, played PC games etc and that has all changed and now I am a SAHM. I think its important to keep sight of yourself and lower expectations about what motherhood is. I personally have stopped looking at other mums Insta feeds because it enrages me! Just realise that you are normal and its been a tough time for you.

I'm glad this has helped you feel a bit better and it's been a mostly supportive thread.

For me, it did get gradually better from 15 months or so, and when my youngest was nearly 5 is when I started to feel like life beyond 'mummy' had really returned (this may have happened sooner if I hadn't had multiple kids and we hadn't home educated our kids).

What really helped in the mean time and especially when I started to feel a life beyond was having a partner who took a lot of childcare at times and making the time, even if it's just those couple hours a day - those couple of hours can add up to so much - to those things that make you feel a bit more human.

I appreciate the depression concern, but I am well acquainted with depression, and depressed I am not.

As you probably know, depression and other mental illnesses can change in presentation, especially after a big life event like having children which throw our biology and environment totally askew. With the wording you've used, I agree with others that raised some concerns - the pressure to not moan alongside the rest of it can weigh heavily even when mentally well. Taking those couple of hours and trying out different small environmental and lifestyle things could make a big impact on getting through this rough stage for you. At this age with my older three, long walks with them in the carrier helped and one year I made a goal to find the best hot chocolate in my city with small trips.

Oh lady, you’re really just saying what a lot of people experience, honestly. The further I get into motherhood the more I realise what bollocks is fed to us all beforehand. I think lots of mums would be a lot happier if we could all admit how boring, hard and lonely it is. Yes there are moments of happiness, but certainly for me, they don’t just extinguish the bad bits, like magic. You are still completely entitled to experience all of that, you don’t have to pretend the emperor is wearing clothes.

And also- no one expects dads to love being with their kid day in day out, singing nursery rhymes and saying ‘moo’ for hours on end. Dads aren’t expected to have a personality transplant, it’s just the mums.

But you don’t need to! Find it crap, dull, inane, acknowledge it, and then find your fun. Find out what you enjoy doing with your baby. Find out the kind of mum you want to be. Lots of hugs to you x

. Can dress himself, come along for walks, chat, run, laugh. Have dinner with family. He eats, joins in, maybe a nice activity somewhere that we can all enjoy for the afternoon.

I think that’s around 3-4 years old.

I feel similar, wishing my 19month old was 3!! It’s a hard slog!

Both my DCs got a fair bit easier between 15 and 18m. By 18m they can usually walk, understand more and say some words or point to what they want. DC2 is now 19m and I feel in the last month or so I no longer need to watch him as constantly. He doesn't generally nose dive off the bed anymore.

DC1 is now 4.5. She has just started getting her own breakfast although prefers company so you don't get much peace! However since 2.5/3 has been able to dress herself, stay in her room until the sun comes up on her gro clock, wash her own hands etc. She will watch TV with us sometimes. She was actually quite good company from 3/3.5 when I had a newborn.

Fingers crossed you will start to find it a bit easier soon. In some ways I found it easier second time because I knew it would gradually improve.