When does life return?

[Sillymummies123]

Please - no unnecessary BS about how ‘life will never be about you again’. I fully believe that children benefit from a parent who has their own life and for whom the child is not their whole world.

On that note - my baby is now 13 months old (was also born 3 months early so we’ve had 16 months of useless, miserable baby time). I was perusing an article between 6am and 6:05am before he started whining to be woken up. The article was about the joys of autumn and it mentioned snuggling under a blanket, long walks and hot chocolate, and I just burst into tears because I don’t see a way for my life to have things like that - relaxation, time for me, a period not spent trying to stop a crawling baby from destroying the house, screaming, just demanding all of me, and being in no way myself anymore. I want a life, and if this was all life had to offer from now I genuinely wonder whether I would even want to bother anymore. I’m not maternally minded, and in fact I can’t really say that, while I love my baby, I have enjoyed ANY of the time we have spent together. As in, I find it draining and boring.

So - the question is: When is life pleasurable again? This will likely correlate with when my child can do his own thing a bit more, and I don’t wake up dreading a day of miserable whining and exhausting placating. When going to a food market, or a woodland walk, or watching a movie under a blanket on a frosty afternoon can resume without the child raising bloody hell.
Thanks

He is 4.5 OP but I would say this has been the case for about a year now. It's so hard at the stage you are right now but it gets so much better.

@Firstimer703

Mine doesn't cuddle loads and half an hour of tv is about his limit. Do you make sure your LO gets loads of exercise? Most of the things we do are physical like long walks or trips to the beach. When I have him at home it's much harder to keep him entertained because his attention span is quite short. I often tend to do jobs and get him involved. He loads the washing machine, carries it out to the drier, does the hoovering & dusting. He loves it! For reference, my DS has just turned 2.

Totally would but he doesn’t walk yet. Just crawls which isn’t ideal outside. We do finger walking but a whole walk like that would be hell.

We DO do woodland walks etc, but timing it around feeds, sleeps, shouting matches, his own boredom (he doesn’t walk) means that I end up just not enjoying it. Plus, as I say, I’m shattered outside of work and woodland walks of that stressed nature just are not enjoyable or relaxing. And I miss a time when they were, and I need confirmation that they will be relaxing again.

Thank you this makes much more sense and makes it much easier to answer your question. It's a slow process with peaks and troughs the timing of those depends on what sort of things you enjoy doing, your children's temparment and honestly how much time and cash you have to throw at the problem.

Scheduling around meals/naps- it improved for me when I decided DS didn't need to be home for initially 1 of his 2 naps and ultimately not for his midday nap. Ages 6 months and 18 months respectively. Also that he could be fed in the buggy/ a cafe/ on the train while out and about. Can your LO self feed sandwiches? That was a gamechanger( but have make sure you have food with you obviously or are somewhere you can buy it). HOWEVER woe betide me if we didn't get back for tea- bath- bed which realistically often meant leaving wherever we were by 3:30-4pm, there was probrably a year between this and starting school so as others have said maybe 3.5-4.5 when this wasn't quite so timecritical. With under 3's (ok maybe 2.5) as long as they are fed, watered exercised and clean you can actually hold an adult conversation in their presence, not so with pre-schoolers who interupt, ask questions and dominate constantly. Also from around this age they can express oponions which is lovely- mostly but they can also object to your plans or ideas and petition for ice creams, sweeties, rideons in the supermarket etc, etc. School age children are generally easier but as they go through primary there is a gradual creep of " thier stuff" to fit around any plans you might have e.g. (from our experience) football at 8:30 on saturday morning, swimming lessons, judo, dance class and finally tutoring and homework as well as the sometimes neverending weekend birthday parties (which need clean party clothes, present, hairwash as well as well as the time at the party itself). By 11 they are more independant and you can go for an hour's ramble with or without them providing it doesn't clash with one of their 101 extra- cirucular activities to which they need a lift.

OP have you ever watched this? www.ted.com/talks/alexandra_sacks_a_new_way_to_think_about_the_transition_to_motherhood/up-next?language=en

Honestly op, I can relate to what you are saying.
It is boring and thankless. It's also frustrating not knowing exactly what they want or need and you go through a cycle of certain things to try.

I honestly think this covid thing has played a big part in the misery.
The ideal situation you have said you want is years away. I do think things will get better when the babies can talk and it'll be a bit more engaging rather than just talking at.

I have misophonia too and some days really irritate me with the noise level. Unfortunately my son has been ill for a few weeks and it's escalated in the last few days and basically cries the whole time if his pain relief is wearing off (yes I have spoken to go before anyone asks!) And the crying is making me miserable.
You need your partner to step up. Tell him how you feel and you need a bit of a break and do something for yourself.
So would you be able to agree, say to start with, two nights at week for your partner to do as much as possible and you can go and do a hobby? I started couch25k and it really picked me up.
I think just knowing you don't have to wait until 7/8 at night to just relax will help you.

Agree with the others you MUST learn to tag team. Especially if you are planning number 2.

DS is 2 and I'm gradually coming into my own and feeling more like me.

I can now pop him in the car without thinking "will he need feeding" "do I have the changing bag" etc

He will now play at soft play etc by himself for 30 mins or so whilst I have a cuppa

He doesn't lie in, but will happily eat his breakfast/play with his toys for 30 mins whilst I wake myself up

He entertains himself whilst I have a shower

He's started to talk a little bit, which means my days aren't filled with either total silence or crying

@Sillymummies123
I think that making sure you have a bit of support and reassurance with regards development and his prematurity, is really important, even if there aren't any ongoing issues with development. I think when this is your first it is even more important, as you can be left with a feeling of self doubt, and a questioning of, 'is this how things should be?' ...that I can hear from your posts.

With regards to having a second, or third (ahem...sorry!) one thing that astounded me with each one of my 3 (in pretty quick succession) was just how different they were, just how different I was and just how different the experience was.

I am so grateful to all these posts. I can honestly say I feel about 100x more positive. We have no parent network. We had to keep our son safe over the first winter because of his prematurity, and then COVID came. Hearing these opinions is, I suppose, what I needed months ago from meeting other mums.

Op I get where you're coming from as I'm
on the same boat but a few months ahead. The reasons you have stated are the reasons that has stopped me from ever thinking about a second child.

...oh and in our particular circumstance, I remember days where I would stare at the chaos around me and babies that seemed as thoroughly miserable with life as I felt...but then there were times of immense pleasure from small things, and these have just got more and more over the years (With a fair fucking dose of chaos in between...but less misery!)

OP, why are you so dead set against having an only child? I think it might be worth considering as it's so much easier to maintain a sense of balance with one. Only children are not all sad, lonely and spoilt, you know!

I loved the baby phase and would have loved another dc but it wasn't meant to be. However, now my dd is a teenager, I realise how much easier it has been only having the one. No refereeing between constant squabbling, time to myself when she is off doing something, easy to maintain my career. I definitely feel more positive about parenthood than many of my friends with multiples. I don't know for sure whether this is because dd is an only child, but I do think it's probably a factor.

@AlexaShutUp

OP, why are you so dead set against having an only child? I think it might be worth considering as it's so much easier to maintain a sense of balance with one. Only children are not all sad, lonely and spoilt, you know!

I loved the baby phase and would have loved another dc but it wasn't meant to be. However, now my dd is a teenager, I realise how much easier it has been only having the one. No refereeing between constant squabbling, time to myself when she is off doing something, easy to maintain my career. I definitely feel more positive about parenthood than many of my friends with multiples. I don't know for sure whether this is because dd is an only child, but I do think it's probably a factor.

Yeah, I get that. I suppose the main adjustments that I’ve needed to make (parent now, not jet setting go getter) are fairly similar regardless of actual baby number. I definitely won’t have a second until I see evidence that I enjoy it, but - while I may sound like I’m in the throes of a meltdown - I’m also quite sure of myself, and am used to coordinating outings of 30 mental, angry, humans with terrible decisions making skills, and I think I’d be up to THAT particular coordination challenge.

I agree with Alexa that having an only child is amazing. So much easier to achieve true enjoyment of parenting.

I had a prem baby too and at the 13 month stage I was adamant we were never having another. The first 6 months had nearly broken me and the rest hadn’t been much good either.

At about 18 months I changed my mind. 18 months was a good age. Still lots of care needed but they are starting to communicate, walking and are just much happier due to those things (mine was anyway). And generally, with ups and downs, it gets better from there as they learn to talk more and do more and become actual people.

It sounds like your DS isn’t that happy a lot of the time? If so that is hard to deal with. As I say, my DD got happier as she got older and could do more and that made a huge difference. I wonder if perhaps what you are needing is not so much a more independent child, as a happier child who responds better to you trying to do things with him? That will come much faster than independence.

Oh god OP, I've been there. For me it was a relentless, unrewarding, boring slog. AlI I did was work and look after babies. I was permanently exhausted and just felt I'd had my life sucked from me.

I was told I was depressed, I wasn't depressed in a chemical imbalance kind of way (I've been there and know what that feels like). I was depressed because of my situation and it was grim because I couldn't really change anything.

DH and I were talking about 'that time' yesterday while having a lie in (the kids were playing Roblox and raiding the fridge). We were laughing so hard about how bad it was. I wish I could have had a little glimpse into the future back then when everything just seemed so daunting.

Mine are 7 and 8 now and they are such good fun. I'd say by the time they were 3 and 4 I was well out of the trenches and starting to get my groove back.

The change is slow, but it's steady and the joy does come back. My life is pretty sweet now, yours will be too

PS on the second baby thing, presumably you have considered that the second might be prem too and might be more severely affected than DS. This was something that preyed on my mind a lot when deciding to have DC2. DC2 was also prem even though there was no apparent reason for DC1 to have been. Clearly I have a faulty timer.

@minipie

I had a prem baby too and at the 13 month stage I was adamant we were never having another. The first 6 months had nearly broken me and the rest hadn’t been much good either.

At about 18 months I changed my mind. 18 months was a good age. Still lots of care needed but they are starting to communicate, walking and are just much happier due to those things (mine was anyway). And generally, with ups and downs, it gets better from there as they learn to talk more and do more and become actual people.

It sounds like your DS isn’t that happy a lot of the time? If so that is hard to deal with. As I say, my DD got happier as she got older and could do more and that made a huge difference. I wonder if perhaps what you are needing is not so much a more independent child, as a happier child who responds better to you trying to do things with him? That will come much faster than independence.

I think, In all honesty, that perhaps you are right :(

@minipie

PS on the second baby thing, presumably you have considered that the second might be prem too and might be more severely affected than DS. This was something that preyed on my mind a lot when deciding to have DC2. DC2 was also prem even though there was no apparent reason for DC1 to have been. Clearly I have a faulty timer.

Your comments have resonated with me. Thank you for cheering me up and giving me hope

My experience - I didn't enjoy the baby stage that much either but mine was pretty easy going as in he would watch TV or sit in the pram for a bit with a snack so I could chat to friends but it was still relentless.
It got easier in some ways from about age 3 and of course once he started school.
We had some wonderful times between about age 4 and age 11 - lots of days out just the two of us, travelling abroad etc. I am so so happy to just have one though I'm a LP so that might be why.
When do you get your life back though - I'm getting it now and mine is 12. The summer before last was when he started cycling round the village with his friends and the term before that he would walk home from school and let himself in so I could finish my working day without the stress of having to get to a childminder on time. These were all small steps towards feeling liberated from the eternal parenting grind.
Of course now he still needs me but I can go to the gym or meet friends or date and he can make his own way to football and school etc...
I really do suggest you reconsider why you want another child. If it's just because what people do then reflect on whether you really want one. Having an only is really great.

God yes I cope with it all as long as people are cheerful and upbeat. What does make you LO happy ?

Around 3. I sympathize, I hated the baby stage too. I've got a 5 year old and about to have DS2 and I'm utterly dreading going through the boring baby stage again but it is quite short really.

You can still enjoy the outdoors with baby in tow. Theres some fantastic hiking baby carriers with sun and rain protection built in. Also decent storage space for nappies ect. Ofcourse you'll have to take less challenging hikes. But it wont be forever.

It's really hard when they're little. I hated the first year. I look back at messages that I sent to friends around that time and I don't recognise myself. My DS is now 23 months and things are so different.

Things that helped - basically time. He's so much happier now he's a bit older and he can walk, talk and let us know what he wants. We still do things that are focused around him but it's much more enjoyable now. He can play by himself for a bit while I sit and enjoy a coffee and we can take him places and he'll actually enjoy them. We don't have to try and entertain him all the time. We take it in turns to go out and meet friends at the weekend or in the evenings. It's different to before, but we're still doing the things we want to do and having time for ourselves as well as being parents.

Not the best timing but once restrictions have lifted a bit could you have a weekend off and go and see friends and do things that you want to do? Or get a family member to come over in the evening so you can go out for a meal or something?

I do not think that choosing a desired scenario is very helpful as all children are different in so many ways, and what you desire my be a shorter or longer way off.

If you can afford it, then this maxim is worth remembering: do only the amount of good parenting that you can manage and use child care for the rest of the time.. And do this without guilt. This way the child gets the best of you. Or that is the theory.

I can only say that I adored the baby stage - and all the stages really - so, I was tired,, but also happy. If this it not you - and that is absolutely fine - you need to make your choices with that in mind. I chose to take 5 years off when mine were little before picking up my career as I was enjoying being at home with little ones - you do not enjoy that, so you need to make different choices.

I hope you find the right route for you.