What do women do after being SAHMs?

[peachpuppy]

Genuinely not meant to be an insulting question, was just curious if returning to employment is the only lifestyle choice / only 'acceptable' lifestyle choice when your children become adults.

@Devlesko I meant poet for a mother, Jesus Christ that's a bit ironic

I was a sahm for 6 yrs and I then went straight back to work once mine started school. I went back to more money than I was making pre-children so it did not harm my career at all.

@nowaitaminute If you could go back and choose it all over again, would you still choose the path of SAHM or keep progressing in career if you knew you'd be okay either way?

I’m a sahm to my DTs. My plan is to get back to work once the 30hrs free funding kicks in as I’m a lower earner and paying for nursery before this would cost a fair few grand more than I take home.

Courtesy of a selection of terrible choices I made when I was young I’ll not be a high flyer nor earn a massive wedge of cash as I’ll never be able to afford to go back to uni.

Financially, I don’t need to work as dh didn’t make stupid decisions when young and earns more than enough. But for me personally, I need to go to work and I think it would be good for my MH and that my DTs would massively benefit from being in nursery.

@MuchTooTired I spose there's always an option to up and run to Germany for free tuition? Mildly unrealistic but madder things have happened!

I really appreciate this thread OP. Most threads on here that mention being a SAHM end up in bunfight so it’s nice to have one go in a different direction, and I like hearing other people’s stories.

There have been lots of downsides for me, but I have to say not having a job means life for our family has been a lot less stressful and complicated than it has for many others since Covid turned world upside down. Silver linings and all that...

[quote peachpuppy]@GrumpyHoonMain That makes sense! I'm intending on getting as much experience as I can so that I don't cut off opportunities in the future, while also prioritising family life as that matters to me.
I don't think (?) I'd be a young grandma necessarily but I suppose if I have a child young and my DH was a product of teen pregnancy then you never know just due to the environment / familiarity factor. I'd be happy helping out with grandchildren honestly!

@Boscoismyspiritanimal 17, but nearabouts haha! This seems to be a recurring question on this thread though ... wonder what that says about me [/quote]
But that’s the thing though. If you and your DH raise kids who go the uni - work - finding themselves route then you may not become a young grandmother. Or worse you may have kids who go up a social class and become embarrassed of their ‘young parents’ like one of my friend’s kid is.

I was a SAHM for 9 years, then went back to work in a professional career. I did take a significant pay cut, but that was because I moved from private sector to public sector rather than because of my time out.

Whether I'd do the same if I had my time again is a really tricky one to answer. I enjoyed being a SAHM, but as soon as I went back to work I felt very happy and fulfilled - almost as if I'd been missing it without realising I was missing it iyswim.

Also, I think I was very very lucky to find an interesting, rewarding job after so many years out of the workplace (it was due to a specific need for my combination of skills) and I could easily have ended up regretting my decision if things had been different.

@Mrsfrumble I'm so glad to hear that! Honestly not sure I deserve any credit to be honest, but it's definitely a nice thread . Do you have any hopes for coming out of Covid- whether it's long term or short term goals, new interests to pick up, friends to see in a less panic-inducing way? I think that really helps to push around all the fogginess everyone is experiencing right now x

@GrumpyHoonMain Being a young grandmother isn't something important to me. I would support my children whether they decide to go down the typical education route, or the family route (or both, or neither!). If I were to become one, I'd help out as much as I could with the grandchildren but there wouldn't be any expectations based on my idea of what my kids lives should look like. If my kids end up being disappointed in me for being a younger mother, I will feel disappointment but I think even if they're old and grey (and me older and greyer) it will still be a teachable moment. Particularly when I think I and DH are able to push through the difficult patches and dispel some theories about teen mothers / all the other disadvantages he and I experience etc.

Sorry for the trilogy! Hahaha

@RandomTree Maybe you have the ideal parenting experience, which is a bit of both! I think some freedom always makes you feel better in your choices, however they turn out- but I'm really glad you had a manageable time bridging the gap between being a SAHM and working mother x

I would advise mothers of today to never stop working. Taking a pay cut, going part time, if they possibly can is still better.

I was lucky to go part time and have continued part time whilst both of mine finished primary. Now I will never work full time again.

I appreciate I was lucky, and many won't find it as easy, but I'd still advise all to never give up work entirely, if at all possible.

@Oblomov20 I think that definitely makes sense for mothers and children who have "typical" (for lack of a better word) relationships from birth but what do you think is the best solution in case there has been a difficulty bonding due to PND, for example? (not saying that's the only, or most valid example, I'm just curious to your perspective) x

If MN is to be believed most of them end up busy scrabbling to survive due to the fact their husband has eventually left them after exploiting their good years, leaving them with nothing financially and no employment prospects either.

I play tennis and quite a few of my tennis friends are SAHMs with grown up kids

They play tennis daily

I work so can’t always join in, but I took 10 years out and luckily found a way back into employment

To be honest, I never had a long term plan of what I’d do after , sort of took it year by year and before I knew it 10 yrs had gone

Sorry @peachpuppy name change fail!

@Pikachubaby I myself am about as uncoordinated as a baby deer on ice, but I find tennis to be a good stress release! What are your feelings on working while your friends pursue more leisurely activities? Do you ever wish you could play daily too?

@Silentfrog Hahaha not to worry at all! If you send me a little quote, or your original username I'll go back and have a look for what you were saying

I worked until I was 36 when I gave birth to DC1 and then gave it up because I was overseas and working 6 days a week with loads of travel. I was offered p/t and it was retracted on my maternity leave as other ladies then asked for it when they heard and so I resigned. Not UK. I then moved country again and had to have fertility treatment for DC2 which took 4 years to work so didn't go back to work to focus on that.

Fast forward to now, back in the UK and eldest is a teen. I had no current references and didn't want to go back to my old stressful career. I did volunteering for a year but TBH found it very political. I now have a retail job 2 days a week that I love. It's no stress and no hassle and I love my colleagues. I want to get something else a couple of days a week which is in contrast to this. I don't really need the money but I enjoy doing what I want with what I earn. I don't blow it and have directed most of it into my own pension and invest the rest. I've not once blown it on crap. I love the new bit of autonomy I've got.

For me right now (50), I want to work, be productive, have my own identity and be referred to as Viva, not XXXX's mum, some autonomy over money, improve my self esteem and confidence and be able to say "can't make that sorry, I have to go to work", get dolled up. wear smart clothes and learn a new skill. I've decided that 50-60 I want to work, save and sort out my pension and investments. I want to quit at 60 and travel or even go back and live overseas.

At 50 I want to work, but I don't want agro and pressure or bringing it home with me. I was a SAHM and my DC and family are still my priority.

@Vivalasjohnnyvegas Honestly if you're happy and you've got a strong sense of your own identity, you're winning! Plus having a name like Viva bumps you up a couple cool points on it's own

Thank you OP

Op, I do appreciate that many mums have difficulty bonding, or pnd. But if the support is reasonable/getting better these days, than what it was 10 years ago, hopefully this will have got better by 12 months, which is traditionally end of maternity leave.

Or early year nursery at 2, better hours/provision at 3.

So. At least 'some' capacity to return. Rather than leaving it years and years, and not being able to get back in at all?

@RandomTree No worries at all hahaha! All I've done is try to be honest

@Oblomov20 I think I fully understand where you're coming from, and it definitely makes sense from a logistical point of view why you'd want one foot in the door at all times. But from what I've heard, motherhood (particularly first time motherhood) can be a bit of a culture shock and I think I, personally, would have a bit of a hard time attempting the juggling act- particularly as in my case I will also be studying for a degree. But I fully agree that anyone who is fully able and desires to stay in work should be allowed to do that, and that choice should be respected.

Btw OP don't think we all had it easy! Ds2 never slept, I was on my knees, referred by my Hv for being an unfit mother, (yes, I kid you not) but still returned to work part time, at 12 months.

And things have got better for struggling mums, since then!

After being a SAHM it can be difficult to return to the workplace. Many employers won’t consider you after years out of work unless it’s an unskilled job. Most of the SAHMs I know have ended up starting their own small businesses because it was the only way they could get a decent job, or doing qualifications (because they hadn’t done them before having kids) and starting a career late in life. Those who don’t return to work either end up being young grandmothers who do childcare, or if their husband earns well they do voluntary work or charity work and spend the rest of their time lunching and getting their nails done.