What do women do after being SAHMs?

[peachpuppy]

Genuinely not meant to be an insulting question, was just curious if returning to employment is the only lifestyle choice / only 'acceptable' lifestyle choice when your children become adults.

@peajotter I mean if you're interested, you've got 20 years so you could do all three! I think the foodbank idea is really generous though, and a nice way of giving back to the community. Good for you

My main ambition in life when I was young was to have kids and be a SAHM. I don’t think it’s a good thing tbh. I was able to have DC no problem (which isn’t a given) but I have enjoyed it so much less than I expected to and wish I had spent my late teens/early 20s gaining loads of life experience, discovering my passions/interests/talents etc.

I need something else in my life other than my children to give me focus/purpose/identity but it’s really hard now to discover what that thing could be as they sap all my energy!

Sorry this is a bit negative - tbh if someone had told me this when I was younger I probably would have ignored it as I was so desperate for babies!

Interested in this discussion. From my husband’s point of view, he’s been a stay at home dad now for 7 years, our youngest starts school next year, he’ll be late 40s and honestly it is petrifying he doesn’t know what he could go back to, he’s said he feels really unemployable. Which is obviously distressing for him. And also puts a lot of pressure on me which was ok for an interim plan but it that’s it, forever, until retirement at god knows 112 or something then I’m not so happy about it.

@miffmufferedmoof Honestly thanks for contributing your opinion on this, it's good to hear all variants of motherhood and the challenges that can come up. I don't really have any words of brilliant insight honestly ! I think young motherhood works for some people, but I'm also aware it can be seen as a ticket out - whether that's for simpler stuff like a council flat, or for the feeling of needing to be loved unconditionally. Plus from what I've seen it's really, really hard even if you're a good and committed mum. I think that's why I'm personally holding off for a couple more years, just so I can try and ground myself as much as possible and ensure that having kids is a choice and not a default setting for not knowing what to do next. Genuinely thank you for saying that though, it's good to think about and hear perspectives that aren't "picture perfect" in conventional terms x

@Cupoftchaiagain I'm sorry to hear you're under pressure! If he didn't manage to return to work, do you think it would be most affecting on the finances or the self esteem / relationship? My father did not identify as a stay-at-home dad, but he also didn't identify with unemployed because I think it hurt his ego that he wasn't sole (or at least main) provider. Even so, I'm of the volition that being a SAHP is a full-time job that should be commended, it just has some negative social strings attached to it. I'm glad you're enjoying the discussion, thank you for contributing x

I've could write a whole novel about my life as a SAHM of 23 years.

I have loved it and I have hated it. I have felt like I'm the luckiest person in the world one minute and to feel like shit to live off the back of my husband in the next.

My children have both loved me being their parent at home and they've also said that they didn't respect me for being at home too.

I've been told by friends and family members that it must be so boring to do housework day in and out and how I must have lost so many brain cells being at home. I have also been told about how wonderful it must be that I didn't waste my education, time and money to work in a mind-numbing job and being free to pursue what I truly love and enjoy.

My husband has praised me for doing all the things necessary to keep our household running and caring for our children so he could pursue his career. He had a thirty year career that had him living abroad for many years without me and the children. He had a career where we moved abroad and moved to five different cities in five consecutive years. He would inform me on a phone call to the airport that he was going away for several days and I had to simply roll with the punches. I got his praise for those things. But he has also been the person to say that he couldn't understand why I had so little ambition. He would ask why I wasn't motivated enough to get a degree and have a job so I could be more "rounded" and how my paycheck would be "helpful" but then he would be off again for his career.

My sister has both told me that I had let our mother down because our mother was a career woman when it wasn't common to have a career in the 1950's. My sister has also cried on the phone to me and told me that she was truly sad that her children had grown up and she gave 30 years of her life to her job instead of giving as much time to her children.

Last year, my youngest child (I have three) finished her secondary education and it was time for me to finally have the opportunity to have my own life. Wrong. My oldest son has three children, my grandchildren, and ended up making ridiculous life choices (which he blamed me for, yeah, that comes with the territory of being a SAHM too) and I got temporary custody of his three children, ages seven and three-year old twins. I was back as a SAHG doing potty-training and round-the-clock childcare and back at the school gates. My son is from my first marriage and his father, the children's grandfather, lives in the same city as me. I got the grandchildren because my ex-husband had a CAREER and was in no way able to look after the grandchildren and it should be my job because I have been doing it for 22 years. CPS felt that way too. I have had no support emotionally or even financially, apart from my current husband, because I'm considered a SAHG. I got shafted by CPS, my son who said it was my "duty" to take care of children as it was not like I had a career or even a job and my ex-husband.

The grandchildren lived with me for one solid year and a few days later, I turned 50 (last month). For the first time in 23 years, I am free to decide what to do next. I know that I would like to earn my own money but I don't think I have what it takes to apply for jobs and work at the bottom of a ladder for someone else. I will probably start my own business. I would also be free to go to university (I have never been) and learn something for the sake of it. The world is open.

I joke about being a SAHM every few years but enjoy my career so it probably won’t happen and DT’s have just finished Uni so no reason to be at home for them.
How does it work for a SAHM if your DH decides he doesn’t want to be the one going out to work earning the salary. Do you switch roles?

I did a PDGE and became a teacher.

I had a degree and a career in care with children with special needs. I then left work as I couldn’t afford two in childcare and the different hours I had to do. Now I feel I will never get another job. I applied for something very similar to what I used to do about a year ago and didn’t even get an interview. Think it’s dented my confidence and now there are barely any jobs going anywhere. No idea what I will do.

@elp30. Wow! Your experience and positivity through repeated challenge is very motivational. I think when it comes to other people's opinions about SAHM, they matter absolutely nothing when it comes to the connection you feel with your children (and grandchildren too!). I think everyone's big question is - what will you achieve next?

Hi @SpringSunshineandTulips! If you're interested in pursuing a second degree or new qualification to get back in the saddle at all, I would recommend the Open University. I've not started doing my full-time degree yet, but I've started some "short courses" (free and you get a little certificate) in things like criminology, health, languages etc which seem to be really good. They also have little pre-degree courses for students who might not have studied in a long time, and the biggest benefit of all is probably that it's distance learning and you can choose how much you do.

Either way, if you get more qualifications or not, keep in mind that you have managed to look after and probably give birth to 2(+?) children in your lifetime- I don't know a lot of high powered businessmen who can do that . Plus, keep in mind that if you struggle to find work right now it's not because your skills have gone down - the world is in crisis, you just have to keep pushing through

I'm older, OP, and when my children were small there wasn't subsidised child care, so I worked part time eves and weekends for minimum wage (I'm not even sure there was 'minimum wage' then, but it was certainly minimal) DH worked full time and my income just helped make ends meet.
Children are all grown up and independent, and I work very part time (10 hours a week) DH was in a profession that gives him an ongoing pension, plus he also works part time.
We have enough for our needs (mortgage is paid off) and we live fairly frugally, but comfortably. I enjoy the freedom to eg help my mum out, spend time with my family when it's convenient for them, look after my children's old pony and ride my friend's horse a couple of times a week. DH feels like it's a luxury having me about (he's so lovely) but would never stop me pursuing anything I wanted to do.
I have no desire to get into any kind of career rat race, but enjoy having a few shillings of my own, and the work I do ticks boxes in terms of my desire contribute in some way.
I enjoy things like cooking and gardening, meeting friends.
It's a simple life but I feel very privileged.
And yes DH does pull his weight around the place, but we are old fashioned perhaps, and so I'm chief homemaker, and he's primary breadwinner. It works for us.

I will have to look into the open university and the cost of the courses. It could be worth persuing.

@Whenwillow If I'm honest, that sounds like my goal in life. To have enough to live comfortably and happily. I was curious though - do you ever miss being a mum to younger children, or was it all a bit of a fever dream?
Anyway, congratulations on your stability and lovely marriage!

After 6 years of being a SAHM I’m definitely ready to work again. Like many previous posters I have a Masters and was at management level when I quit. In my case it was because DH had an amazing offer to work overseas. I’d just given birth to DC2 and the industry I worked in didn’t really exist where we’d be moving to, so it made sense for me to take a break. We ended up staying there longer than we’d originally planned, and since we’ve been back in the UK oldest DC has been diagnosed with SN, which makes childcare a little more tricky.

My dream would be to retrain as a SALT too, but I can’t really afford to study for 3 years, so pre-lockdown chaos I was looking at TA jobs with the view to a PGCE in the future. I’m 42, which may seem ancient to OP, but I’ve got another 25 years or so of working life.

How does it work for a SAHM if your DH decides he doesn’t want to be the one going out to work earning the salary. Do you switch roles?

In our case, DH recognises that I sacrificed the career I had (and any immeadiate earning potential) for him to progress in his, so if he decided he wanted to switch roles he’d have to wait a few years for me to retrain.

@SpringSunshineandTulips If you're looking for courses related to learning disabilities and / or young people there are a few here; www.open.ac.uk/courses/health-social-care/degrees/ba-childhood-and-youth-studies-q23
www.open.ac.uk/courses/health-social-care/degrees/bsc-nursing-learning-disabilities-r39-ld
www.open.ac.uk/courses/health-social-care/degrees/ba-education-studies-primary-q94

These are just a few of the degree courses, but there are lots of quicker and cheaper courses around your field, if you're interested tbh. Or you can do this "open degree" thing where you basically get to pick your own modules (I'd do this but SAAS won't support this and English Lit sadly!). It's decently pricey, being 2k a year I think so may not be feasible but you could always look into the short courses too?

Sorry for the spam, hope this helps!

I've could write a whole novel about my life as a SAHM of 23 years.
You just did (sorry, couldn't resist!)

@Mrsfrumble You're never old until you believe you are, not to me or anyone else . But if you just saw my last message, you know what I'm going to recommend already when it comes to studying so I'll spare you hahaha! I hope your future endeavours go well x

@AlwaysLatte hahahaha someone get @elp30 a book deal, she'd be great at it!

if returning to employment is the only lifestyle choice / only 'acceptable' lifestyle choice when your children become adults.

That's a big If, though.
We may start a business, get a job, or just live life the way we want to.

Thank you @peachpuppy
Sometimes I'd love to have them as little ones again, but mostly I really enjoy their company as adults.
They are great, interesting, independent people and I love their company, and they seem to like mine too. I'm not in their faces though. I'm aware my time of having been actively involved in their lives has passed. Sometimes I read the MIL threads on here and am shocked at they way some parents and in-laws feel they have rights to their children. I see it as a privilege.
I sound a bit smug, sorry. I'm actually a little bit defensive about our choices because it's so common to look down on people without a career (On here anyway and to a lesser extent in real life)
I do seek reassurance from DH from time to time, but he tells me he's very happy.
The upside (again probably very old fashioned) is having time to nurture our relationship, without constraints of working hours or negotiating absolute equality in all things
For the record I am pro-women's rights, and will actively champion women's causes when I can. This just happens to be my choice.

@Devlesko Not saying I agree that getting a job after being a SAHM is the only acceptable method of progressing, in fact I was just curious as to other women's thoughts and experiences on the topic. I think if you're happy and healthy and not hurting anyone, you can do whatever you want with your life

Opened a coffee shop

@Whenwillow I mean I think there is a large amount of stigma about not returning to work, as some of peoples' value is dictated by how they contribute to the economy- but realistically, I don't know a lot of people who if they won the lottery would still be working their desk job! I'm pro women's rights too, and that means supporting other women no matter how they choose to live their lives.

@Wecandothis99 Incredible! How's it going- does it make you feel happy? x