Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

*trigger warning sexual harm* totally posting for traffic feeling desperate

237 replies

QuestionableDanceMoves · 15/05/2020 22:50

My 6 year old daughter told me this evening that her 12 year old brother, my son, put his penis in her mouth this afternoon.
Initially he denied it, then said he’d only said it to her as a joke and hadn’t done anything but eventually confessed it was the truth and he had done it
He says he doesn’t know why, they both said it’s never happened before, he said he knew it was wrong to do it but did it anyway.
Their father, my exh, was emotionally and physically abusive towards me when we were together, we’ve been apart for 4 years now, which my son witnessed. He had some counselling in the initial aftermath of his father leaving but has always struggled with his emotions and anger and often says he feels out of control.

I don’t know what to do. I told my daughter she did the absolute right thing by telling me. There’s only me and the 2 kids, I have no one else. I don’t want his life to be ruined but I know this behaviour can’t go unchecked, he needs help
How do I get it for him? What do I do? I can’t believe he’s done this

OP posts:
NerforMuffin · 15/05/2020 23:34

This is insane.

My daughter is almost 12 and she would never try to coerce her younger siblings into doing something like this.

If he was 6 years old maybe I'd buy him not understanding but at 12 this is not innocent in anyway.

Your DS has sexually abused your daughter. You MUST phone the police.

LouHotel · 15/05/2020 23:35

OP if you don’t involve services this will escalate, please at least move Your daughter to sleeping in your bedroom Immediately until a housing decision is made.

Siblings do experiment with each other in being curious of body parts but usually they are closer in age and both younger...what your son has done is a specific sexual act and his feelings must have come from somewhere, because of the age gap you also cannot be certain if other abuses haven’t happened as this could have been the first that your DD was aware was wrong.

He knew what he did was wrong, he tried to minimise and his guilt is coming after admonishment, he needs specialist assistance - he’s still a child it won’t be plastered in the papers so it might just be immediate family you need to inform.

Tomanyhandbags · 15/05/2020 23:35

Is it possible that your son has been abused with somebody making him perform this act on them, as you feel it's highly unlikely that he has accessed porn? If this is possible then the situation is even more complex making your son both the perpetrator and the victim as well as your daughter also being a victim and will need handling by yourself and professionals very sensitively. This must be an awful time for you with your emotions all over the place but please ensure your daughter safely

NerforMuffin · 15/05/2020 23:36

Am also surprised at the amount of posters worrying about the son. He's old enough to know and admitted it was wrong and he did it anyway.
Yes they'll be consequences but I'm sure he knew that when he chose to orally rape his small sister :(

TARSCOUT · 15/05/2020 23:40

Hello OP. I don't have any advice but wanted to say this isn't your fault. Sometimes things happen for no apparant reason and you just need to do your best for both your children.

Laiste · 15/05/2020 23:40

Please don't talk to your son about this in front of your DD any more. She shouldn't be feeling sorry or guilty for him from seeing him upset.

Speak to them more for sure. But separately.

And get professional help.

sestras · 15/05/2020 23:40

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you op in this difficult situation.

R1R2 · 15/05/2020 23:40

It is extremely complex nowhere near as black and white as some posters would like to believe and needs the assistance of specialist professionals for all three of you.

Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 15/05/2020 23:40

No there’s not been anyone in the household who could’ve abused him, he’s not been alone with any adults apart from me for years and I certainly haven’t done anything to him

My daughter already sleeps in my room, she’s never slept in her own room because she wakes up all through the night so it’s easier if she’s next to me.

She said he’s never touched her anywhere or done anything like this before and I believe her.

There’s nowhere else for either of them to go and live in order to separate them- nearest family is 100 miles away, even their dad lives over an hour away as he moved but he chooses not to see them anyway

OP posts:
Laiste · 15/05/2020 23:41

Keep her safe. Physically keep her away from him.

Flowers
bunbunbun · 15/05/2020 23:41

OP if you don’t involve services this will escalate, please at least move Your daughter to sleeping in your bedroom Immediately until a housing decision is made.

Please please please let your daughter sleep in bed with you from tonight onwards while you navigate this. She will be feeling a mix of fear of him and guilt for him being (as she perceives it) in trouble. It's a confusing mix of emotions for even adults abused by close family, let alone a six year old. Your poor girl, thank god she has told you and you want to act. You need to do so immediately and do not leave them alone together at ALL even for a minute. Her feelings about this are too complex for her to try and navigate without immediate and heavyweight professional support. This needs to be dealt with tonight / first thing tomorrow. Please don't leave her in her room alone tonight, even the thought of her waking upset is heartbreaking - be with her please.

Nicknacky · 15/05/2020 23:42

You need to prepare yourself that for the short term, at least, he is going to have to live elsewhere.

Your daughters safety is paramount.

Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 15/05/2020 23:42

Laiste- I wasn’t purposely talking to him in front of her, she was in bed and came into his room where I was talking to him

OP posts:
Laiste · 15/05/2020 23:42

x post.

Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 15/05/2020 23:43

Nicknacky- where? There’s nowhere for him to go

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 15/05/2020 23:45

You need to have a think about that. But there will be an investigation and assessment and it may be decided that he cannot live at home until that is concluded. That will be discussed with you in conjunction with social services.

I just want you to be prepared for that so that it isn’t a shock to you.

Savingshoes · 15/05/2020 23:46

Is there a relative that does not have children that your son could stay with temporarily?
Do they stay with grandparents etc because I think the first thing you need to do is separate your children quite quickly.

NerforMuffin · 15/05/2020 23:48

Please don't scare the OP into not seeking out help.
He may have to stay with your relatives 100miles away. That or fostercare until it can be proven your daughter is safe.

Fear is how things get swept under the carpet.

You have to be brave for your daughter and call the police.

What will you tell her in 10 years, if you don't, when she asks why you didn't do more when she was abused?

Sexual abuse within families is most common. They would have heard it all before. You MUST support your daughter.

Original poster
QuestionableDanceMoves · 15/05/2020 23:48

There literally is nowhere for him to go though, genuinely, no one to have him

If he gets puts into care he’ll be lost to me, he already has such low self esteem and thinks so badly of himself. If he gets sent away it would destroy him.

I’ve left a message for the out of hours social care team. They’re both my babies, this is killing me

OP posts:
macaroniandpizza · 15/05/2020 23:50

So sorry you are having to deal with this op must be so hard for you and your family Flowers

HalfTermHalfTerm · 15/05/2020 23:50

I’m so sorry OP, but you must contact someone (the police, social services, NSPCC) as soon as possible. I’m afraid that (contrary to what a previous poster said) your son has raped your daughter and that needs to be addressed. It is for both their sakes, not just your daughter’s, but this needs to be reported now that you know the facts.

I would do it as soon as possible but if you can’t do it now then I would have your daughter sleep in your room tonight. Again, I am so, so sorry.

TARSCOUT · 15/05/2020 23:50

You can call childline uo till midnight 0800 1111. They can help.

Nicknacky · 15/05/2020 23:52

You have done so well seeking help. You have done the right thing even though it’s the hardest thing in the world to do. We are here for you.

Your children will thank and respect you for seeking help. Even you son although that might not feel like it right now.

Laiste · 15/05/2020 23:52

It's hard for me to be objective because i have a 6 year old DD and i'd seriously want to murder anyone who did that to her.

I know that sounds like a shit thing to say to you, and that it's going to be different for you as it was your son. However - i think him being 100 miles away with relatives might be a good idea right now and an appropriate response.

I'm so sorry for you OP. It's not your fault Flowers I'm going to shut up now.

Zebrasandfairytales · 15/05/2020 23:53

@TARSCOUT Childline is a service for children. Either child could call or use the online counselling service but OP Would need to contact one of the agencies mentioned above by a previous poster.