*trigger warning sexual harm* totally posting for traffic feeling desperate

[QuestionableDanceMoves]

My 6 year old daughter told me this evening that her 12 year old brother, my son, put his penis in her mouth this afternoon.
Initially he denied it, then said he’d only said it to her as a joke and hadn’t done anything but eventually confessed it was the truth and he had done it
He says he doesn’t know why, they both said it’s never happened before, he said he knew it was wrong to do it but did it anyway.
Their father, my exh, was emotionally and physically abusive towards me when we were together, we’ve been apart for 4 years now, which my son witnessed. He had some counselling in the initial aftermath of his father leaving but has always struggled with his emotions and anger and often says he feels out of control.

I don’t know what to do. I told my daughter she did the absolute right thing by telling me. There’s only me and the 2 kids, I have no one else. I don’t want his life to be ruined but I know this behaviour can’t go unchecked, he needs help
How do I get it for him? What do I do? I can’t believe he’s done this

OP I am sorry you are going through this.

I echo others encouragement to ring the NSPCC Helpline when it opens again, you will be able to chat it through with someone who can offer support, guidance or signposting.

There are therapeutic services out there that work with young people in situations like this to help them change their behaviour; supporting them to realise what they’re thinking and feeling, and then how to manage their actions.

You are doing the right thing by getting help and support with this.

Take care.

Nicknacky I can’t think that what you’ve said is helpful to OP. She knows it’s very very serious and is afraid for both her children. Your son didn’t rape your daughter OP.

Please speak to someone at nspcc or lucyfaithfull who can advise you properly on this issue. So sorry you must be sick with worry

loopylindazdaughter Social services may well contact the police anyway. A serious crime has occurred. That doesn't mean that the son will be treated as an adult criminal.

OP, I am so sorry, this must be so hard and I wish you the very best.

Your son has sexually assaulted your daughter.
All three of you need counselling.
For preventative reasons in your sons case, and for post traumatic reasons in your daughter’s ( and your) case.

Chilli Yes he did. No matter how hard it is to hear, that’s what we are talking about here.

You need to look at the definitions if you don’t believe me. And I know what I’m talking about.

Why are all the messages saying the son needs help, hope he’s ok etc and completely downplaying what he did to that poor poor girl 😨
Not what happened to her, what he did

@AvoidingRealHumans OP has contacted the NSPCC - if they need to refer on to another agency due to the threshold of the enquiry then they will.

Scaremongering and making assumptions is not helpful in this situation. The OP needs practical support to get her and her family the help they need.

Your son didn’t rape your daughter OP.

What would you call it ???

Chillichutney1 according to UK legal definition that is exactly what he did.

I'm horrified that there is more concern for an adolescent boy here than a little girl who has just been violated.

OP I really feel for you i this situation. The truth is this is sexual assault but obviously he is a child and he is your son. He might not know the extent of what he's done but he is 12 at this ages boys have had some sex education and usually know lots more than that anyway especially in the age of internet and social media.

You poor thing. Do not leave your daughter unattended with her brother at all and you've done the right thing by contacting NSPCC and I hope they can help.

This is going to ruin their lives isn’t it? Everyone’s going to know, he’s going to be judged, she’s going to be pitied- I’m going to be seen as the failure who has subjected her kids to all sorts of abuse by initially not ending my marriage quickly enough and now this. I can’t talk to friends or family about it as they’ll then view him differently and I certainly can’t speak to their father.
He can’t tell me why he did it, he doesn’t know, well he says he doesn’t. He said I should hit him, I’ve never done that and never would. He said he knows he should go to prison or die

Wow! What a dilemma for you
I hope you find the support and professional advice you need

To those that say “he is just 12”... there is 12 and there is 12
My husband lost his virginity at 12 to his babysitter and I’ve seen photos of him when he was 12 and he looks like a little boy.

This is why you need support OP. Not just for your daughter but for all of you.

My poor daughter idolises her brother, she always wants him to play with her and he often doesn’t but she worships him and now he’s done this to her!?
I can’t get my head round it- I don’t know how to help them both

I can’t get my head round it- I don’t know how to help them both

Get outside help, for your daughter, your son and you!

Questionable It’s not going to make sense to you. It never will. You have really tough times ahead of you but NO ONE will think you are a failure. Unfortunately sexual abuse happens in the best of homes, it is no reflection on you.

I really feel for you, I do x

You could call your local areas out of hours social services. You should get the number if you google "(Town) social services number".

Absolutely social services need to be involved, and IMO this is an emergency that you need to start dealing with tonight.

OP, I cannot tell you how amazing it is that you are seeking outside help. I have met young women whose parents chose to sweep it all under the ru g when an older brother acted this way, and it didn't turn out well for anyone.

Listen to Nicknacky. Your son isn't going to be thrown in a jail cell but he needs professional intervention now. Not next week, not in ten years' time, but now.

Your daughter needs professional support too. Someone she loves and cares about has done something very very wrong. That is very painful to cope with and process without proceeding to blame yourself at any age, and she is only six.

You've taken the first step by posting here. Please go further and speak to the police and social services.

@QuestionableDanceMoves I’m sorry, this must be really tough for you but you are doing the right thing by seeking help.

It sounds like you are thinking about every possible outcome or scenario which must feel very overwhelming. If you can, try to think about the facts, what has happened and what you have done about it.

The NSPCC staff member will talk through your concerns with you and give you information about all the possible routes/outcomes. They may refer you to another agency. But they certainly wont judge you or see you as a failure and will keep it confidential, unless they need to share it with an external agency who will also have a duty of care to you and your family.

Can’t believe someone said a 12 year old might not know what oral sex is. Get a grip of course they do, they are at secondary school at that age and will know all about what it is! Things are different now than when you was 12

Their lives won't be ruined if you seek support asap.
If you leave it then who knows what effects it will have on them or if it may escalate.
This isn't your fault so don't blame yourself.

As for everyone finding out, they are both children and this would never be reported on or disclosed to anyone other than the professionals who will become involved to help you.
You don't need to tell anyone you know if you don't want to.

The way to help them is to seek counselling, as a family and also independently for your daughter and your son.
The priority has to be with your daughter as she is the initial victim, who you know about at least.
Your son is the perpetrator and you can only hope steps can be made to help him realise the boundaries he has crossed.
If he does this in 4 years time he will be on the sex offenders register.

You help them by getting outside help, you cannot do this without involving others.
I work with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, many of whom experienced abuse from siblings growing up and the thing that effects people most in my opinion is whether their main care giver 1.believed them, 2. Validated them and 3. Protected them from ongoing harm once they became aware the abuse had took place.
You must act now.

OP I second what everyone else said about your son needing to see a good psychologist. If there is any way to make that happen without having to wait on the NHS then do so. But I also think that your daughter should have some counselling too. Even if she seems ok now, she isn't. She may have told you and it's brilliant that she has that confidence in you but she can't tell you everything. She had already proven that she values her brothers feelings and I would wager, yours too. She will be feeling very conflicted about upsetting you or him and may end up bottling things up for years as a result. A counsellor is there just for her to talk to and will not break her confidence unless they have to. Gives her an outlet to work through her feelings without the guilt of distressing her brother or, in her eyes, getting him in trouble.