I don't want to breastfeed.

[MrsHJFL]

Hey guys,

So I'm a first time mummy to be, just starting my second trimester. I'm getting alot if people asking me if I'm going to breastfeed and.. The answer is no.

I don't have any desire to do it, I really dont want to. And it will be nice for my husband to be able to help me feed.

Most people I tell this too are completely supportive. But I feel everywhere I look, online, TV shows etc they only talk about breastfeeding and never show or talk about parents that want to use formula. Makes me feel almost guilty for making this desicion.

Are there any mums out there like me who have never wanted to breastfeed and have babies only fed on formula?

How had it been for you? Do you have any tips or recommendations on what formula to use?

Just feel alone in this 'no breast' world haha xx

Here come the breast feeding mafia.. do what you choose OP

Ultimately it's your baby and body so it's your choice however I don't understand why anyone wouldn't try assuming they are able to. The benefits are all proven even if it's just a little in the early days. Parents spend so much time and money during pregnancy to get the best e.g. prams, cots, etc but there seems to be a blind spot around breastfeeding.

Which is why I specifically referred to the milk itself which is made specifically for YOUR baby rather than all the other issues such as soreness/ tiredness/ outside pressure etc etc.

I rarely comment on these threads but saying that formula is almost as good as breast milk is just not true I'm afraid.

I didn’t say you couldn’t have an opinion @Charis1503. what I found odd was your phrasing that you would “struggle to accept” someone who didn’t BF. Why do you have to accept them? Why would them making a different but equally valid and decent parenting choice to you mean that you wouldn’t be able to “accept” them. What does it matter to you what they do?

One thing I would love to go back and tell myself nearly 14 years ago that although this feeding lark seems like the biggest deal in the world at the time in the whole of life’s rich tapestry of parenting it’s really pretty insignificant. There are many more factors that will affect a child’s outcomes in life than whether it was bloody breastfed. No one actually cares.

It's my opinion that unless the Mum has a deep rooted reason not to breastfeed (on medication / has been sexually abused so can't stand the idea of using breasts for that reason / has tried in a previous baby and terrible experience) I don't understand why Mums won't try it. It's well known colostrum is the best thing for a newborn and I don't understand mums that won't give it a go. I can't understand how people will say they won't enjoy it or they 'just don't want to'. I 'just didn't want to' do night feeds or change explosive nappies or have a c section. But all those things were the best thing for my baby

@ScissorsBike, that's really interesting. I have been breastfeeding for 8 years and it's the most radically anticapitalist thing I've ever done. Accepting my sexed body and using it to feed and nourish my baby is not antifeminist and crap dads and partners are crap no matter what the feeding method.

I chose not to leave my babies very much in the first six months but have certainly always been able to take the odd cinema trip, haircut or meal out.

While I do realise there are many reasons a mum might choose not to breastfeed, I don't think misplaced ideas that it'll make the "gender roles" in a relationship more balanced is one of them. There are myriad ways for fathers or the non-breastfeeding parent to bond without a bottle, and certainly no requirement for formula.

I am sad that breastfeeding has ruined the lives of your friends. It has been empowering for me.

OP, you will be judged throughout your parenting journey. I found it helped me to be well informed (with facts not opinions) about things if I felt up to arguing, and if not, to just smile, nod and tell the occasional well timed fib. All the best with your little one's imminent arrival!

Just be vague when someone asks. Just say that you haven't decided yet and change the subject- no one else's business. I have to say that 19 years on from having my baby it isn't something that I even think about now,so do what you feel happy with at the time, no decisions have to be made now.

@ScissorsBike what a load of bs, breast feeding ruins lives! It's almost as if when having a baby parents accept they may have to sacrifice some sleep...

This is part of the reason we have such low bf rates here in the uk. The non bf parent does not need a bottle to bond with a baby. Nevermind the huge environmental impact formula production has on the planet.

I’m 35 weeks with my first and have a preference to formula feed. For a number of reasons.

I also find regardless of the stats for how many people do or don’t do it in the UK, it is one of the most openly judged elements of motherhood.

If you choose to and can breastfeed more power to you - do it in public or at home, with a cover, without a cover, for 2 days or 2 years - whatever works for you. But if for some reason a woman is formula feeding have the courtesy to extend the same open mindedness and lack of judgement to her is how I see it.

We see so many posts on MN where we ask for kindness and tolerance, or where in regards to an overbearing friend or relative the advice is your baby/body/home etc means your decision/rules so can we all just take a minute to stop judging?

OP do what makes you happy and comfortable. There are pros and cons to both and nobody should be making you feel pressured either way, good luck and surround yourself with supportive people - goodness knows we will need them when the babies arrive!!

@Fantasiaa
The comment from scissor ime is exactly why women are their own worst enemies

Breastfeeding is not arduous once established. It’s also a lovely reason to sit down, relax and concentrate on feeding your baby / reading or watching the world go by

I don’t get less help because I breastfeed
In fact I think I got more

Why do these threads always go the same way. A few people are kind to the OP and agree with her right to choose. Then the breastfeeding brigade turn up and pile on about why their choice is the right one. The whole feel is I mean you can do what you want but breastfeeding is the right way. It's said in such a way that you might as well be allowing a child to swim with crocodiles. The anti FF undertones are huge. Why do we all need to make mums feel bad for whatever they choose? I chose to FF but I love baby wearing. I FF on demand rather than to a schedule. I'll be using a nursery and will be working full time. Other mums may choose to BF and co-sleep and may be stay at home mums. Any combination of those choices would be just fine. It's all the pressure of doing what is "best" that makes new mums feel even worse in an already difficult time.

As my old midwife told me when I was pregnant with my eldest:- fed is best
Nobody can tell you how to feed your baby, as long as they are fed, loved and looked after that's all that matters.

Fed in the bare minimum to keep your child alive. Informed and supported is best.

Informed - the substance your body creates is specifically for your baby. Common sense says this is preferential to a substance another mammal creates for its baby. Breastfeeding is about far more than food. Breastfeeding is beneficial for the mother as well as the baby.
Supported - help from professionals if the mother wants to breastfeed in the small window available to get it established. Practical help with latch etc rather than chanting breast is best but no actual advice. It’s equally guidance on how to formula feed, preparing bottles safely, advice on paced feeding.

I had zero desire to breastfeed so didnt for any of my children.

What you are probably realising is parenthood is years and years of being judged for what you do or dont. Generally by people who feel that their view and experience means it's what should be best for you and your child.

It also comes with a shed load of wondering if you have made the right decision about a million different things.

My advice research things you want to try and do and dont get bogged down in other peoples opinions. It makes for much less stress and worry and a generally happier experience all round.

FF advice on making up bottles had changed completely by the time I had my second so I did buy alot of pre made formula for the first few weeks until I had gotten into the swing of things and feeds had spaced out slightly.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

@ScissorsBike

Ruins lives?

Don't be such a twat. Just because something is hard does not mean it ruins lives! And parenting is not an equal or gender neutral experience for the vast majority of families.

Pretending that it is, erases big chunks of female experience. Which is about as feminist as Donald Trump, you utter numpty!

Your baby your body there really is nothing more to it than that. I was the same no desire to even attempt breastfeeding and we are having a lovely formula feeding journey 7 months down the line!

Do as you feel is best. No one should judge you but I would wait until the baby comes before making the decision.
It is a scientific fact that breast milk is best for babies and there are many many benefits to it.
However, lots and lots of people choose to formula feed for all sorts of reasons, just don't believe all the shite that formula makes babies sleep better. It doesn't. It does take longer to digest (4hrs to 2-3hrs for BM) but also comes with its own difficulties (windy babies, constipation etc)
I expressed exclusively for my first son for over a year, as I couldn't latch him due to a birthing accident, he did have a mixture of my colostrum and formula top ups when I was waiting for my milk.
I have a little boy now 5w who I had planned to express again for. However he took to breast feeding like a natural (latched on all on his own!) so now I do a mixture of bf and EBM.

It's entirely your choice.

However, I would suggest you give breastfeeding at least one attempt, then even if that's all you do, your baby will benefit from getting some colostrum.

I am an exclusively breastfeeding mum. I am still feeding my first (3yrs 2mths) and am pregnant with my second.

You do not need to breastfeed if you do not want to.

Do the research. Make an informed choice about which formula you use (note that the fancy looking ones don't have any benefits over the more "plainly" packaged ones.)

Follow the instructions on the tins closely when making up formula and be fully aware that after a couple of months, formula feeders are the majority anyway.

The NHS has really good instructions on the website about how to safely mix formula. They unequivocally do NOT recommend a "perfect prep" or similar shortcut devices. Mix feeds up fresh with water of 70deg (recently freshly boiled kettle). Sterilise all the kit.

Enjoy your baby :-)

I ff dd1 because i had primary and secondary haemorrhages and retained placenta, so no milk. Didn’t feel particularly judged, but was disappointed.

Currently bf dd2 (13 weeks old) and whilst i am happy to be able to give her a particularly healthy start, all the stuff above about how easy it is feels like a poor joke - it is incredibly painful every time, and yes i have been checked multiple times for tongue tie, latch, etc. I can’t wait for 6 months when i plan to give up guilt free and not dread feeds.

I also with both dd object to the “it’s natural unlike bovine milk” rhetoric - so is living in trees and eating your food raw, but no one feels obliged to stick to those restrictions now.

And parenting is not an equal or gender neutral experience for the vast majority of families.

Parenting is a gender neutral experience is you don't breastfeed and you both remain full time in your careers. Why on earth wouldn't it be, once you remove bf from the equation?

Women give birth.

My son lived inside my body for nine months.

That does make a difference.

You can't be a feminist and pretend that's irrelevant.

Feminism is not about making everything and everyone gender neutral.

@bingbangbing I said parenting is gender neutral, didn't mention pregnancy (which is not).

Lots of feminism is about making things gender neutral. I'm sorry that your experience has been otherwise. Prob because you breastfed.

@ScissorsBike

Lots of feminism is about making things gender neutral. I'm sorry that your experience has been otherwise. Prob because you breastfed.

Fuck me, that's some stupid bullshit right there.

@ScissorsBike really??