Help! I have a gender non-conforming DS, and feel like the rubber is hitting the road.

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

DS (10) has been "gender non-conforming" since he was a toddler, and able to choose clothes and toys. We've generally just let him get on with it, not making a big deal about it, and letting him know that it's fine to be a boy and wear a dress/play with dolls etc. He's navigated his own way through all sorts of situations with ingenuity, and grim determination .

Anyway as he's getting older we're encountering more and more tricky situations. Toilets have been a sticking point, although we've mostly got round that by encouraging him to use "neutral" loos where possible. The school organised a meeting for us to discuss this, after an incident where he wet himself (after feeling uncomfortable/unwelcome in the boys' loos, but discouraged by me to use the girls' loos). He now uses the neutral loos at school.

Today though, I've come up against two dilemmas to do with sex /gender identity, and I'm just not sure what position to take. Firstly he goes to gymnastics in a mixed class. His teacher spoke up me after the class, referring to him as 'she' and taking about putting him forward to a (sex segregated) competition at some point in the future. I had registered him for the classes as a boy (obviously), but haven't had an explicit conversation about his gender. He does look "girly" (longish hair) so I completely understand why they're mistaken. I didn't correct the teacher in the moment, as it was in public and this is one thing (correcting people on his gender) that DS finds embarrassing. He doesn't mind being called he or she, but he does mind any "fuss" about it.

I then got home to find an email from his school about an initiative aimed at encouraging girls' confidence, and his teacher feels that he would like to do it. Argh. It's well-meaning, and I know comes from an understanding that his friends are nearly all girls, he looks like a girl, and he will feel left out if he isn't included. Obviously I'm very uncomfortable about this, but my heart is also aching for DS, because this will probably be difficult for him.

Basically if there wasn't such weird gender stereotyping in our society, I'm pretty sure DS would be happily rocking out as a girly boy, but because there is, he's being made to feel that to do the things he likes doing, he has to "be" a girl. It's so shit.

Anyway, I just feel so stuck as to how to do the right thing by DS. Any advice?

larry - nope, DH is here and a very, active involved parent. I'm not sure why you presumed otherwise? Obviously I can't prove to you that DS isn't getting positive reinforcement for enjoying "girly" things, but I know that's not the case. As for your statement about: "sending out ‘girl’ signals through dress and not correcting people who mistake him for a girl is a hop, skip and a jump from wanting to be a girl." I'm pretty sure that over the decades there have been many thousands of "tomboy" girls with similar gender non-conforming behaviour, and that rather than being an attention-seeking strategy or a psychological hang-up, it's been a simple case of preference. That's the approach I've taken with DS, because quite frankly it's no big deal to me if he wants to wear a sparkly jumper, or likes My Little Pony etc.

What - usually when someone is empathically skilled the other person feels heard and understood. I on the other hand have experienced your posts as dismissive and critical. I was bringing your attention to the LGBT and FWR boards as there are plenty of stories there from parents in a similar position to me whose DC are "gender non-conforming" and who have found themselves contending with other people's insistence that their DC are transgender. I only became aware of this after I posted my original message on this thread, so I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't aware of how confusing it can be. Maybe you could have a browse and get a better understanding of the issue?

Sorry wank but I don’t need to understand the issue more. From reading your posts, you have allowed the issues you face to magnify. Others have posted the same as me, yet you single me out as the one who can’t empathise. It seems you only want to hear from those who agree with you .... these boards don’t work that way.

I’ve just travelled over the weekend and stopped at motorway services along the way ... make toilets, female toilets- where would your ds go then? Male, because he’s male .... it’s that simple.

Someone refers to your ds during a conversation with you - correct them and tell them they’ve got it wrong. Simple.

These things are simple to overcome and correct.

I fully understand and get that not everything will be simple ... but these things are, hence my view that you’re compounding the problems.

Oh dear, Whattodo, I can hear that you really are genuinely oblivious to how you come across. I can only hope that if you have real life friends or kids who are struggling with something that is apparently to you "so simple" (even though it's not something you've actually been through yourself), that you are able to meet them with something other than the dismissive tone you've shown here.

And if you recap on the thread, it was nothing to do wanting people to agree or disagree with me - I was coming from a place of seeking support. I was open to the advice I received, and have implemented some of the ideas that felt relevant. I've expressed my gratitude to other posters for their helpful feedback.

The sum of your input has been "This is a non-problem, and you've made things worse for yourself". Can you see how this isn't actually helpful? Of course, it's entirely possible that you couldn't give a hoot about being helpful, but rather that you quite enjoy having a bit of a dig at some random on the internet.

Anyway, I don't expect that you will take this feedback on board, but will probably come back with more insistence that you're very good at empathy and that it's really all so simple.

What I said is simple, is that he use male toilets because he’s male. That actually is simple, there’s no doubt about that. Just because he’s non gender conforming doesn’t stop him being male and using male facilities.

When having a conversation and someone wrongly refers to him as female - obvious simple solution is to correct that person. That is a simple solution.

I don’t mean life is simple or everything has a simple solution .., but your 2 difficulties you’ve mentioned DO have simple solutions.

lol

If he goes by he and wants to be seen as a boy, why does he care what bathroom he uses?

Glad my post amused you wank .... says more about you than me ..

Another one seeing sense joss .... it’s really not rocket science - boy = boys loo ...