Help! I have a gender non-conforming DS, and feel like the rubber is hitting the road.

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

DS (10) has been "gender non-conforming" since he was a toddler, and able to choose clothes and toys. We've generally just let him get on with it, not making a big deal about it, and letting him know that it's fine to be a boy and wear a dress/play with dolls etc. He's navigated his own way through all sorts of situations with ingenuity, and grim determination .

Anyway as he's getting older we're encountering more and more tricky situations. Toilets have been a sticking point, although we've mostly got round that by encouraging him to use "neutral" loos where possible. The school organised a meeting for us to discuss this, after an incident where he wet himself (after feeling uncomfortable/unwelcome in the boys' loos, but discouraged by me to use the girls' loos). He now uses the neutral loos at school.

Today though, I've come up against two dilemmas to do with sex /gender identity, and I'm just not sure what position to take. Firstly he goes to gymnastics in a mixed class. His teacher spoke up me after the class, referring to him as 'she' and taking about putting him forward to a (sex segregated) competition at some point in the future. I had registered him for the classes as a boy (obviously), but haven't had an explicit conversation about his gender. He does look "girly" (longish hair) so I completely understand why they're mistaken. I didn't correct the teacher in the moment, as it was in public and this is one thing (correcting people on his gender) that DS finds embarrassing. He doesn't mind being called he or she, but he does mind any "fuss" about it.

I then got home to find an email from his school about an initiative aimed at encouraging girls' confidence, and his teacher feels that he would like to do it. Argh. It's well-meaning, and I know comes from an understanding that his friends are nearly all girls, he looks like a girl, and he will feel left out if he isn't included. Obviously I'm very uncomfortable about this, but my heart is also aching for DS, because this will probably be difficult for him.

Basically if there wasn't such weird gender stereotyping in our society, I'm pretty sure DS would be happily rocking out as a girly boy, but because there is, he's being made to feel that to do the things he likes doing, he has to "be" a girl. It's so shit.

Anyway, I just feel so stuck as to how to do the right thing by DS. Any advice?

Sodding app has lost my paragraphs

Gender non conforming? That’s a new one

New to you, but not new to many others

Ah, I've mistakenly posted in AIBU rather than parenting.

Tell the gymnastics coach and teacher that gymnastics / girls’ education initiatives should be single sex. Your DS can do boys’ gymnastic and build confidence in other ways.

Would also discourage use of “she” pronouns unless he has explicitly asked for this.

Would let him just continue to dress/look/do things that some people stereotype as “feminine”.

What does he say when you talk about it? Is he aware of men like Bowie and women like Annie Lennox who live(d) and dress exactly as they want, without a problem?

Gosh OP that’s a difficult one. I have no expertise I’m afraid so can’t really give any advice except to say let your DS be himself and to talk to him about how he wants to be treated.

You’re right about the gender stereotyping in society, I was guilty of it myself with DD by sending her to ballet and dressing her in pink. She now plays football and wears blues and greys. I’ve seen the light now and realised it’s really wrong to say boys or girls should do this or wear that or be like whatever just because they’re boys or girls. They’re just people and should be how they want to be.

I wonder whether AIBU is not really the place for this, you’ll get a lot of judgemental people on here. You sound like a great mum by the way.

He wets himself rather than use the boy’s toilets?

Dozer, well yes, that's exactly what I have been doing to date. My problem is that other people are so insistent on him "being" a girl.

Hollowtalk, yep plenty of chat about that. He digs Billy Porter!

I think you should have a conversation with him as to where he would like to be.. does he want be socially a boy or a girl..

it's so difficult but you seem to have a good relationship with your ds, so encouraging ds to make the decision?

Gender non conforming? That’s a new one Really @Smorgasbored0000, do you not understand? It means not conforming to society’s stereotypical notions of gender.

Is he aware of men like Bowie and women like Annie Lennox who live(d) and dress exactly as they want, without a problem?

This.

I’m unsure why there can’t be feminine boys or tomboy girls....

Can you try just being matter of fact about correcting assumptions about his sex?

So just reply to gymnastics coach & school that no, ds will not be taking part because he is a boy.

Also the school should be cracking down on ds being prevented from using the toilet that is designated for his sex.

Maybe you modelling this might help ds to become more confident in time to assert his sex and right to be in places designated for males?

74newstreet, yes he did. Or at least he avoided going to the toilet for so long that he couldn't hold it in any more.

In the nicest possible way OP, maybe report your own thread and ask for it to be moved to Parenting. I'm completely with you on all of this, and agree it's a tough one. But I don't think you'll get the right kind of answers in AIBU

How are people insistent on him being a girl? Tell them he’s not .

Gosh, so many problems like this on MN this week.

Who is “insistent” and in what ways?

He's navigated his own way through all sorts of situations with ingenuity, and grim determination

I think this is the quality you have to reinforce. There will be many, many more such situations arising from his wish to be gender non-conforming. And all power to his elbow!

Incidentally DD goes to an all girls school (yeah I know, it was her choice, she had her reasons including sport) and there’s quite a few girls there who are gender neutral and no-one bats an eyelid, they just get on with it.

Re: the gymnastics thing, of course I will correct them, but not in a way (ie in front of lots of people) that's going to embarrass him. My point about that was more that in spite of registering him as a boy, other people are insistent on categorising him as a girl.

Who? How are they “insistent” and what have you done to address this with them?

How are people insistent? I register him as a boy, introduce him as "he" and people still call him "she".