Help! I have a gender non-conforming DS, and feel like the rubber is hitting the road.

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

DS (10) has been "gender non-conforming" since he was a toddler, and able to choose clothes and toys. We've generally just let him get on with it, not making a big deal about it, and letting him know that it's fine to be a boy and wear a dress/play with dolls etc. He's navigated his own way through all sorts of situations with ingenuity, and grim determination .

Anyway as he's getting older we're encountering more and more tricky situations. Toilets have been a sticking point, although we've mostly got round that by encouraging him to use "neutral" loos where possible. The school organised a meeting for us to discuss this, after an incident where he wet himself (after feeling uncomfortable/unwelcome in the boys' loos, but discouraged by me to use the girls' loos). He now uses the neutral loos at school.

Today though, I've come up against two dilemmas to do with sex /gender identity, and I'm just not sure what position to take. Firstly he goes to gymnastics in a mixed class. His teacher spoke up me after the class, referring to him as 'she' and taking about putting him forward to a (sex segregated) competition at some point in the future. I had registered him for the classes as a boy (obviously), but haven't had an explicit conversation about his gender. He does look "girly" (longish hair) so I completely understand why they're mistaken. I didn't correct the teacher in the moment, as it was in public and this is one thing (correcting people on his gender) that DS finds embarrassing. He doesn't mind being called he or she, but he does mind any "fuss" about it.

I then got home to find an email from his school about an initiative aimed at encouraging girls' confidence, and his teacher feels that he would like to do it. Argh. It's well-meaning, and I know comes from an understanding that his friends are nearly all girls, he looks like a girl, and he will feel left out if he isn't included. Obviously I'm very uncomfortable about this, but my heart is also aching for DS, because this will probably be difficult for him.

Basically if there wasn't such weird gender stereotyping in our society, I'm pretty sure DS would be happily rocking out as a girly boy, but because there is, he's being made to feel that to do the things he likes doing, he has to "be" a girl. It's so shit.

Anyway, I just feel so stuck as to how to do the right thing by DS. Any advice?

And to be honest I think it's asking a lot of a 10 year old (and younger) to be constantly trailblazing

But by not correcting people, giving him special treatment at school (assemblies, neutral toilets) you are helping him to do it.

He is a 10 year old boy who does not conform to gender stereotype. The bullies in school should be reprimanded, the solution is not to make your son use different toilets.

Tell the gym teacher he's a boy. How hard can it be?

Just keep correcting them, and say he's a boy. I don't really see the issue TBH, they are a king a mistake and it needs to be corrected every time. Your DS will get used to doing this himself, if he sees you do it politely (and without fear).

*making

My 11 year old son has long hair (very) he is repeatedly referred to as she even though he is most definitely a HE he wears boys clothing acts like a boy etc etc but the hair according to some means he is a girl I tried speaking to people about it pointed out that he is wearing all boys clothing etc I got told they thought he was a tomboy? So it's ok for girls to wear boys clothing but not ok for boys to have long hair

His short haired brother doesnt have this issue despite dressing in pink and occasional sparkles

I've spoken to both my boys they are definitely boys according to them (and they should know) no one wants to wear dresses we just have our own style

And my daughter has short hair

I totally get that he won't correct anyone himself. My DD is 12 and very socially anxious. She's in Yr8 at High School, having been asked her preferred name at the start of Yr7 and been too shy to say so, teachers have been using her full name rather than her preferred diminutive and she won't correct anyone...to be asked to clarify something you find uncomfortable to talk about would be really difficult.

I think up to this point you've done exactly the right thing in letting him navigate this himself, I think that will do so much good for his confidence and his relationship with you!

I do think now though it's time for a conversation with him to start clearing up some grey areas for your son, as kids get older situations become trickier for them for all sorts of reasons, puberty, peer pressure etc. And they sometimes need some guidance! He probably has a million questions he needs to ask and has things that erk him about this that he wants to address but at 10 isn't quite emotionally mature enough. The school and gymnastics are also trying to do what they think is right by your son and probably also need some guidance on so he gets the right support everywhere

Occurs to me that I saw this happen last weekend at an engineering event. Teenage boy with long hair was referred to in 3rd person as female(she), his dad just corrected him, enquirer apologised and corrected his language. No drama.

He can obviously dress how he likes. The school needs to address bullying behaviour towards him in the boys' loos. That's what needs sorting immediately.
It's boys and men that need to be more accepting.

I don't particularly like Harry Styles but he seems to be going for a gender non-conforming approach. If Bowie and Bolan are too ancient history.

Why has he been gender non-conforming since being a toddler? Who’s idea was that?

Your son sounds AWESOME. We need more boys like him, embracing things which are stereotypically female, yet secure in his skin that he's male and that doesn't change just because he likes cooking and having longer hair.

It's so, so wrong that instead of just accepting a wee boy who likes pink and sparkles, or a wee girl who cuts her hair short and plays with trucks that adults around them are telling them that they must in fact be the opposite sex.

Keep on doing what you're doing, OP.

Agree with most of OP's actions and attitudes.
But, age 10, puberty could be soon (though probably not for a few years), so no doubt further issues await.

How hard this all is going to be depends partly on what's driving it - if some of it could be genuine mistakes, or if some of it is adults congratulating themselves on 'doing the right thing for a trans child' and essentially cheering on a transition your child has not actually asked for.

There is a poster on here who found out that the school were using a new name and pronouns for her child via the child's older sibling. Adults like teachers should be doing nothing at all without guidance from far more expert people, but unfortunately some of them are jumping miles ahead off their own bat.

Even if a child is asking for transition, unqualified adults shouldn't be going along with that without guidance. Even more so if a child is just saying they're happy with either pronoun and more to the point is only ten, those teachers should be holding back even more.

It really is not their place to be doing this and I would be very concerned if I were you - these adults might be running away with an image of themselves as the really cool trans-friendly adults doing the right thing, but in effect assuming the outcome of your child's teen years in advance.

This is a useful video that goes into some detail of some of the pitfalls:

How does any of this make sense? In gymnastics girls wear leotards and other close-fitting garments. Whether he is wearing a leotard or not, boys' penises and testicles are noticeable in athletic clothing and while doing physical activities such as tumbling, etc. And presumably this child has a name, that should identify him as well. If this is not completely put on, the bathroom issue can easily be solved by going to school administrators and reminding them that all boys have an obligation to Be Kind and make boys' bathrooms a safe space for all males, including gender nonconforming ones. Perhaps a school assembly would help. It would be a good lesson for the everyone and you and your son can lead the charge.

@WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead have faith in yourself as his mum and judge of each situation you’ve found yourself in. If you didn’t feel it was appropriate or relevant to keep pressing that he’s a boy then you will have made the right choice. Don’t let yourself get upset by people determined to find fault in everything. You’ll find the right answers.

OP. Well done for being clear with other adults deciding that their views overrule yours. Part of the problem is that trans lobby groups have written guidelines for schools stating that parents may not be the best people to supports a "transitioning" child and that teachers etc can enable a child to transition in secret from parents . It's called 'parental alienation'.
All the statistical evidence is that children alienated from their parents / families are left vulnerable and open to abuse with lower academic achievements and life chances. This does need challenging with the school - ideally by going straight to the Head. No adults should be dabbling in children's lives and imposing their own half baked notions on them.
As has been pointed out upthread, there are countless examples of wonderful 'gender non conforming' children throughout the ages who have dressed and behaved outside sex stereotypes. In some cases they grow up to be gay and in others it becomes a greater or lesser part of their adult life.
You sound to be a wise and committed parent. Organisations like Transgender Trend or Safe Schools Alliance have a variety of resources that may help.

What pronouns are the school using? If you're not sure I'd be finding that out.

If a child asks to use different pronouns the school can opt to not tell you about it. Your child may be socially transitioned and you may not be aware.

Toddlers tend to be gender non-conforming because they haven't yet learnt that society likes kids to stick themselves in rigid boxes! All my kids, girls and boy, liked pink glitter and princess dresses at 2 and 3, are you suggesting that's a bad thing Bettedavis?

This is a weird weird thread.

He has a penis; I believe that makes him a male.
You've not just allowed him to be confused, but actively encouraged it?
No wonder he has problems now.

Gender non conforming? That’s a new one

How is gender non-conformity new?

People have been doing it for hundreds of years, if not longer. There are loads of examples throughout history.

I'm fortunate my boys go to a school where they are not keen to push the trans button my youngest (who likes pink) ds has special needs and it took them over a year to insert into his mind he was a boy this is now an unshakable belief elder brother has sensory processing disorder and a few other things has always known he is boy he just likes to hide behind his hair and when he grew it everyone LOVED it (his hair is straight golden streaked thick and hangs beautifully I'm so jealous its unreal) a big plus is dad hates it being long and it's his rebellion against dad too

I register him as a boy, introduce him as "he" and people still call him "she".

I coach athletics, and have occasionally made an assumption and called a feminine looking child "she", to be loudly corrected by the child or his peers. Of course I apologise, tell them that I am clearly going mad, and the matter ends.

So the only thing I can imagine in the gymnastics situation is that they are genuinely unsure what to refer to your son as, have made a guess and for some reason haven't been corrected. And then have continued on with their assumption. Is that possible? (Don't assume that just because you have corrected one of the coaches that that will have been passed on to the others - as they may assume they are the only one who has made the mistake and the others already know).