Help! I have a gender non-conforming DS, and feel like the rubber is hitting the road.

[WankmasterBastardDeLaShithead]

DS (10) has been "gender non-conforming" since he was a toddler, and able to choose clothes and toys. We've generally just let him get on with it, not making a big deal about it, and letting him know that it's fine to be a boy and wear a dress/play with dolls etc. He's navigated his own way through all sorts of situations with ingenuity, and grim determination .

Anyway as he's getting older we're encountering more and more tricky situations. Toilets have been a sticking point, although we've mostly got round that by encouraging him to use "neutral" loos where possible. The school organised a meeting for us to discuss this, after an incident where he wet himself (after feeling uncomfortable/unwelcome in the boys' loos, but discouraged by me to use the girls' loos). He now uses the neutral loos at school.

Today though, I've come up against two dilemmas to do with sex /gender identity, and I'm just not sure what position to take. Firstly he goes to gymnastics in a mixed class. His teacher spoke up me after the class, referring to him as 'she' and taking about putting him forward to a (sex segregated) competition at some point in the future. I had registered him for the classes as a boy (obviously), but haven't had an explicit conversation about his gender. He does look "girly" (longish hair) so I completely understand why they're mistaken. I didn't correct the teacher in the moment, as it was in public and this is one thing (correcting people on his gender) that DS finds embarrassing. He doesn't mind being called he or she, but he does mind any "fuss" about it.

I then got home to find an email from his school about an initiative aimed at encouraging girls' confidence, and his teacher feels that he would like to do it. Argh. It's well-meaning, and I know comes from an understanding that his friends are nearly all girls, he looks like a girl, and he will feel left out if he isn't included. Obviously I'm very uncomfortable about this, but my heart is also aching for DS, because this will probably be difficult for him.

Basically if there wasn't such weird gender stereotyping in our society, I'm pretty sure DS would be happily rocking out as a girly boy, but because there is, he's being made to feel that to do the things he likes doing, he has to "be" a girl. It's so shit.

Anyway, I just feel so stuck as to how to do the right thing by DS. Any advice?

I feel your pain, especially with the girls confidence initiative, as it’s just a headache you don’t need, having to model the correct behaviour to grown adults and professionals, when all you want to do is just live life.

However, you can’t let them misallocate resources like that, so you have to speak up and make sure that if your son needs any confidence boosting activities that these are properly resourced.

My son isn’t a traditional ‘boy’ model of the kind of stereotype that’s peddled these days. He’s ending up with the opposite problem, bullied horribly and teachers upholding the bullying as he ‘doesn’t help himself’ by wanting long hair, or hating football etc... so he almost just becomes invisible.

It’s a fucker of an age to grow up in. Adults have really fucked with the basic, basic stuff of life.

DS had a masculine name, but goes by a reasonably "neutral" shortening.

People aren’t being insistent though are they? They’re being mistaken.
Correct them. Not loudly and publicly but correct them.

Has not had

Wolfiefan, I do. Seriously. It's staggering to me that people override my words with their own expectations.

TheTwilightZone

But posters on here are saying that it's fine for boys to be feminine at school which directly contradicts views on the other thread.

Why shouldn't schools have gender neutral uniforms?

I was a Tom Boy in the 80s. Short hair and wore boys clothes. No one batted an eyelid. Such a shame boys aren’t given the same freedom as girls.

But that is because masculine things are seen as superior to feminine things - makes me mad.

You sound like an awesome parent, and it does sound like people are trying to help and be supportive.

A quiet word with the teachers to explain? He isn’t a girl - he is just himself.

He doesn’t have to be a girl no matter what he looks like. Just keep saying this and telling him this. And correct people with ‘he’.

74newstreet, yes I can hear that you think I'm some sort of troll. Search my username. I've been hear for years.

Here

I would be gearing up for a very strong complaint (although I'd be cautious about how and when I presented it) if teachers and coaches are effectively deciding for him (believing they are being kind) that he is trans. It is absolutely not their place to do though -t hey are experts neither in gender dysphoria nor your child.

Even if one day he was to end up transitioning, they have zero part in triggering that process. They are overstepping their remit by a thousand miles.

What needs to happen is for masculine men to fucking shut up and accept that not all men conform to the masculine gender stereotype and stop being so unpleasant and unaccepting of their less "masculine' male counterparts, there should be no problem with the ops ds using the male sex toilets. It should be fine for him to wear what he likes.

Hi all

Just a quick note to say the OP has been with us for years.
We're moving this over to the parenting topic by request.

To those asking "why doesn't he correct people himself?". I think it's because he finds it embarrassing. And to be honest I think it's asking a lot of a 10 year old (and younger) to be constantly trailblazing. He just wants to be "normal".

I think your approach is exactly right. I think people are keen to be PC and not offend and are just over stepping the mark. Correct them firmly without a fuss. Model this for DS.

OP, I would not allow people to call your son «she». The gender identity movement is forcing society back into the dark ages, insisting that children must fit into outdated sexist stereotypes. Schools are being coached, by transgender lobby groups, to encourage children to believe they are »born in the wrong body» if they don’t want to crush themselves into those restrictive stereotypes.

Transgender Trend is a valuable resource and support group:
Transgendertrend.com

You sound like an amazing mum 💐

74newstreet, yes I find it unbelievable too. Until you're confronted by it, it's hard to believe that people's expectations/stereotyping are so powerful.

My eldest was always being mistaken for a girl. He had longish blond hair. Even as a teenager.

He'd just come home and laugh about it "Actually Miss I'm a boy" the teachers were mortified.

He's now a big strapping lad in his 30s. No mistaking him for female.

Just correct someone when they get his sex wrong. Don't make a drama out of nothing.

And he doesn't want to use the boys loos? Well does any young lad? Aren't they a hotspot for bullying!!!

I seriously think you're overthinking this.

A conversation from a week ago:

Adult: she's had a lovely day today. We were all making pizza.

Me: he, actually. He's a he.

Adult: well, she really enjoyed it.

This was observed by another parent who gave me a baffled snort and shrug.

Is it not bullying by other boys that is preventing him using the boys toilets?

I'm not sure why you are uncomfortable about him being invited to a girls confidence thing if as far as the school is concerned he is ok with being referred to as he or she?

Why would he feel left out if not included?