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Original poster

my MIL slapped my child + told me

213 replies

hermykne · 28/08/2007 08:45

they were spoilt.
not in material goods but in how i treat them.

its one day later and i am still quite hurt about her saying this to me and for slapping ds. DD got very upset when she did it to ds.
i was out food shopping.

basically she said a good sla p would stop the antics of a nearly 5 and 3 yr old.

i feel i can withdraw or send her a note, as a friend suggested. not good face to face.

OP posts:
TheMadHouse · 28/08/2007 13:32

I do not smack my DS's and have also made it clear to my MIL and Mum that I find it unacceptable under any circumstance.

Saying that I know that it takes all sorts and that it was accepted that a smack on the hand was OK and that she used to do this to DH. So we set some boundies with both sets of parents.

However, neither have had both of mine together (15 months apart) and never had one for more than 2 hours, as I know what a handful they can be and both Mum and MIL are in 60's

I think that you should talk to you MIL with DH about the way you want your children to be treated and why. This has worked for me, but I am also flexible with her on othe stuff (as I know she gives them a sly bisciut) I just choose my fights more wisley nowadays.

morningpaper · 28/08/2007 13:35

TBH I am not anti-smacking

But for not putting socks on? She obviously lost the plot if she thinks that's a smackable offence. What's she going to do when t

morningpaper · 28/08/2007 13:35

TBH I am not anti-smacking

But for not putting socks on? She obviously lost the plot if she thinks that's a smackable offence. What's she going to do when t

morningpaper · 28/08/2007 13:36

hey smear poo on her walls?

morningpaper · 28/08/2007 13:36

(not v. good on laptop)

fick · 28/08/2007 13:43

I agree with FioFio.

TBH, I think if she hasnt looked after your children on her own before, then she'll not know the usual methods of discipline that you use, and when and where to apply it.

I think, before threats of withdrawing and contact are made, you should, or particularly your DH should, speak to her and explain how you do things, that slapping isnt acceptable in your home or in society any more. Then take it from there.

Smacking was a "perfectly good method of discipline" when she was a parent of young children and undoubtedly thinks that it is still so. It is up to you, and your DH to dissuade her. I'm not sure she should be punished for a mistake but being blanked out. Unless this is not the first time she has slapped your children, or insulted you.

IME grandparents often think their grandchildren are spoilt because they dont have the same coping mechanisms that they once had when you were little.

kittywits · 28/08/2007 13:44

i suspect the socks were the proverbial straw

fick · 28/08/2007 13:50

I suspect you are right, kittywits.

littlelapin · 28/08/2007 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HonoriaGlossop · 28/08/2007 14:21

yes, I agree littlel...on the very first day, ever, of looking after the children, she can't actually have GOT to 'the straw that broke...' moments! In one morning, when the children's mum was out shopping? It's obviously just a strategy she uses rather than being a sign that she was at the end of her tether!

kittywits · 28/08/2007 14:22

Not incompetent, just a different way of dealing with things. She , I'm sure, has a completely different to view to what constitutes incompetent parenting

nappyaddict · 28/08/2007 15:01

HIJACK

Original poster
hermykne · 28/08/2007 15:08

kittywits the socks werent the proverbial straw.
she believes in smacking - as LL has concluded . one bil doesnt smack like me and they are pt sahp, the other bil whose child has been in day care since 6months is slapped, she agrees with 2nd bil and told me so and this child is under 3.

this problem is about how I challenge her on this if she is to mind my children in future and keep realtions "nice" at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
hermykne · 28/08/2007 15:10

MP - you re right, she cant handle small children , she had her 1st very young and never stopped a day after from working, her mil looked after them, reared them really along with the housekeeper!

OP posts:
maisemor · 28/08/2007 15:10

Will you have a chance to speak to your husband about it before she arrives?

Do you know that he is going to feel the same way as you?

SofiaAmes · 28/08/2007 15:13

I think letting your little child get blisters as a way of teaching him to put his socks on is far more painful and cruel than a slap.

littlelapin · 28/08/2007 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
hermykne · 28/08/2007 15:16

sofiaames there was further info on the blisters in that ds hasnt been wearing socks all summer, so his feet are use to no socks, she felt in her way he should be wearing them even thou he probably said i dont wear them. he gets dressed with them but invariable takes them off and chanegs footwear 40 million times a day.

OP posts:
Original poster
hermykne · 28/08/2007 15:18

if she listened to him a bit longer she might have garnered that info from him, she didnt and reacted with a slap.

LL i ll have my work cut out alright trying to debate it. article in the paper today about behaviour and expressing ones angst / anger and how it starts in childhood, so food for thiught

OP posts:
littlelapin · 28/08/2007 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SofiaAmes · 28/08/2007 15:26

sorry, I missed that bit. I believe in a light spank occasionally, but I also believe in respecting other parent's wishes of how they want their child to be disciplined. And I think that family relationships are far too important to break over something like this. Couldn't you have a calm word with your mil about how you would prefer your children to be disciplined and maybe even give her some suggestions of how to deal with the children when they are disobedient (or even just too boisterous for an older person). And then perhaps your mil will choose not to watch them for you, if she can't manage to do it your way, but at least she will hopefully still feel that she can see them when you are around. And your kids won't lose a grandmother.

HonoriaGlossop · 28/08/2007 15:28

My MIL smacked her children, and I know she is allowed to smack my SIL's children. She wouldn't smack my child though, because she knows we don't want that.

That's the issue here really, we don't really need to smacking / not smacking debate; it's that H's MIL should respect their decision as parents, and not respecting it on the very first day doesn't bode well, does it

I wouldn't leave my child in her care again, for that reason.

Mumpbump · 28/08/2007 15:38

Yes, but we don't know that H had had a no-smacking conversation. It's not something that I would think to tell someone else unless I had reason to think they might smack.

HonoriaGlossop · 28/08/2007 16:01

I would certainly have that conversation with someone I was leaving my child with.

Obviously am overbearing and bossy in approach

lucyellensmum · 28/08/2007 16:15

hermykne

I have to say, i think you are very grown up and diplomatic. Of course you MUST say something and you must make it clear that she must never smack your children again. I think it was terrible that she did this, i am not anti-smacking per se, but i can imagine this being really upsetting for your children. Grandparents are supposed to be ther fun ones, the over indulgent spoily ones and that is how, imo the relationship should be. What worries me more is this woman seems to have a really short fuse, she should have calmly explained about the socks, like you say, i would have been, stuff you then, dont where the socks, your problem when you have sore feet. Does this behaviour really warrant a smack? I dont think so, not unless it was a full on tantrum and even then NOT from her. OF course im probably saying everything that has already been said.

I think you should talk to her in person, i can see how a note may seem preferable but these things are easy enough to misread. I would just say that your children were upset that the smack came from nanny and it would make you reconsider leaving them with her.

I dont think i could keep calm long enough to say anything constructive though so i wish you luck.

I think talk to DH too, i bet he will be as mad as a snake, it might be better actually if you both talk to her together, united front and all that. OF course if she responds badly, best thing is to give her a slap!